To ask you to kick me up the arse

[Shatandfattered]

I'm in such a rut it's utterly shocking and I'm sick of feeling shit, behaving shit, eating shit, and doing shit all!

I'm a SAHM and carer to DS12. I also have DD8 AND DS10mnths..... I feel like I'm being the most rubbish mother right now and don't feel like I had great habits to begin with.

Basically, I have absolutely terrible sleep hygiene and have never been a morning person which of course isn't compatible with a 10month old who regularly wakes up at night. I can start out with all the intentions in the world to go to bed when he does but will really struggle to switch my mind off and will either roll around for hours or end up picking up my phone. Have my phone constantly on eye comfort backlight to prevent the blue light triggers to my brain but it clearly doesn't help.

Next issue, I have absolutely zero motivation and I am one horrible person to be around. I feel like I'm constantly either nagging and shouting at my kids or I'm trying to get the little one to nap and telling the other ones to bugger off quietly and the guilt is overwhelming. I truly feel like I'm having a huge impact on their emotional needs right now and I'm so frustrated and upset with myself but don't know how to get out of it.

Next issue is motivation. I have no routine or get up and go and basically feel like a lazy cow. I either have sporadic bursts of blitzing a room from floor to ceiling, or I revert to the sofa and do bugger all so it all piles up again because I have no willpower or energy.

I'm eating tons of absolute crap, hardly drinking any water and rely on soda far far too much, I have debts and live UC payment to UC payment and never ever have money to get through the month cause I'm crap at managing it, I'm not out getting exercise and fresh air. I also usually have some form of physical complaint such as headaches, aches and pains, lethargy, nausea and I really honestly wonder if I'm making it up in my head to excuse myself for my utter laziness! I've often wondered if I'm deficient in Vitamin D or b12 and this could be the root of a few of my issues as I have PCOS and I believe they go hand in hand but obviously my hands are tied with getting any investigation done on this.
I'm wallowing in my own pathetic self pity and shit life syndrome with every bit of knowledge of what I need to do to feel better but no idea how to get the motivation to start to turn things around.

I realise I sound like a pathetic self indulgent negative bitch and I am more than willing to hear such as I need to be told, but what I guess I'm looking for is tips, help, stories of experience of turning bad habits like mine around. My brain will run a million miles an hour at night of the day I wish to have the next morning, I'll write lists of tasks and I'll have such good intentions but when I wake up I'm back to the bitter lazy idiot again! How do I get myself to grow the hell up and grab the day by the balls?!

Maybe speak to your GP?
I don’t have a magic wand to wave and I’m certainly no expert but your lack of motivation and maudlinness suggests that you maybe feeling depressed.
Maybe you need a medicinal kick up the arse?
Good luck OP!

I'm not sure if I'm depressed to be honest, I honestly feel like it's just my horrific habits and lifestyle. I've suffered depression sporadically throughout my life and anxiety but I genuinely think if I find a routine that helps me get on top of life then everything will kind of slot in. It's a vicious circle, I feel exhausted cause I can't sleep, I can't sleep cause my house and life is a mess, spend all day too tired to do anything and all night awake worrying about it. Starting to regret even writing this out now as I realise Im looking for some magic advice or self help book or routine to be offered to me to save me but realistically I need to just get on with it!

It sounds like you’re being really hard on yourself.

I would try and conquer one thing rather than trying to form a million new good habits all at once. What do you think would make the biggest difference? From my sofa, I’d try getting lights off and into bed at a sensible time then up and dressed by a certain time every day.

You sound lovely actually and pretty normal. Have you got a partner?
I think one of the best ways to change is to do it slowly. Maybe tomorrow swap one of your sodas for water, then gradually drink more.
Tiny tiny changes. Treat yourself like you are your own best friend, you deserve to take care of yourself.

I agree with not being too hard on yourself or setting impossible targets
One step at a time
Decide on a bed time routine for yourself
No screens for 60 minutes before either read a book or listen to music or a sleep type app eg Calm
Just try and stick to that for at least a week then introduce the next thing eg a morning get up time n routine
I find when I’m struggling with household chores I just have to give myself goals and treats so example I will tidy up just one room for an hour then give myself a 1/2 hour break for leisure activity of my choice

Nope. You're doing brilliantly.

You've thought carefully and diagnosed all the things you want to change

You love your kids and have as a goal to engage with them more.

Perfect start.

Make a list - turn your lovely list of motivational whinges into a ticklist and try to do one thing per day, even if you fail at it or don't repeat it tomorrow. Then tomorrow try two things.

Some light anti depressants might help give you some pep (personal experience) but a big glass of water and a banana might do a similar job.

Salty snacks and chocolate give me lethargy and headaches (i eat them every day, whoops). Could it be the same for you? Try a day with that banana, slice of toast, apple... whatever.

Just a few ideas from someone in a similar boat xxx

Do your kids have a star chart? If so add your own name to it and they can decide when you get a star - mum didn't eat junk today, mum took us out for a walk...

Thank you so much for being so kind, I really was expecting replies containing biscuits and oh poor you and I feel that's exactly what I deserve because my kids deserve better than me dragging myself through a day with minimal effort.

I gave up soda all together a few weeks ago for an entire week and stupidly got one can with a takeaway and here I am again.
Perhaps I need to get this moved to a more appropriate section and use this thread as a form of sounding board and accountability. I've tried to use journals to note down feelings and the days events to visually correlate in my mind that forcing myself to get into gear truly does have a domino impact on the rest of the problems. I think having the odd person speaking back every now and again would motivate me more to have positive news to update with.

I do have a partner but things aren't great there and we have a very unhealthy habit of battling against each other and arguing over who does more and who sleeps more, who's more shattered etc. To be fair he works full time and does a lot of household chores to try and give me a blank canvas to keep on top of but I'm a bit rubbish at it. I'm such a cliché, I could sit and watch YouTube videos of Marie condo, how clean is your house and the likes and it gets me so motivated to crack on. When I start cleaning it feels so therapeutic but I just need to learn to implement a daily routine instead of being blind to it until it's horrific!

I've switched to water this evening, dug out a multivitamin with iron from the cupboard and I'm going to really try and get a full night's sleep tonight and get myself out of this. Dad is stepping in for the entire night tonight so I don't have the wake ups to disturb me but I now have to battle with my own damn mind to shut up and switch off!

The chocolate and carbs and salty snacks could definitely be a shout! My diet is terrible and the sad truth is I know fine well how to balance macros efficiently so yet again it's just sheer laziness and self indulgence! Quite like the idea of a star chart or similar, I think I'm quite visually stimulated as I enjoy the sight of ticking off a list and I'm that buffoon that repeatedly walks into a room that I've gotten up to show standard just to reward myself by looking at it and feeling pride

Best of luck! Hope you get to bed on schedule 👍

Try breaking your day into chunks, if you see the day as a whole it can be overwhelming. So maybe take it in two hour slots, and have a vague plan for each slot. Jot down ideas for the children. Breakfast, Colouring, schoolwork, lunch, walk, tv, dinner, bath, chill bed, obviously with what suits your individual children/family.
Lists are my go to every time I start to get overwhelmed, lists for everything, write it all down, it helps get it out of your head. Meal plan list, shopping list, daily job list, other bigger tasks list, even if you start by ticking a couple a day as you cross them off you will feel better about yourself. Drink more water yes-that needs to go on my list too. Be kind to yourself xxx

Try not to be as hard on yourself.. you’re in a cooking pressure pot at moment especially with ten month old and older ones at home 24 7 when usually they’d be at school most of week so you’d get respite.. without my quiet time with baby mid week I used to be a nightmare.

I swapped sofa for fruit white teas somehow or sparking water ... weirdly managed to transition.

I was like this at the end of my marriage.. am single mum to two young kids now and find I am a lot better and more myself again .. cope better without another adult to have to negotiate with and be considerate around 😂 not advocating separating as it’s bloody hard but I was unhappy with myself which I think manifested like you describe .. also had a young baby... it’s exhausting . You’re doing really well

You are me
I can't even give you a good answer/support you deserve because I know it would be about 1000 words and I can't be arsed. In a nice way.

Just saying, your not alone

Knowing I'm not alone also helps, so thank you! It doesn't help that I come on MN and mostly see the opposite of me so I appreciate a little wave of solidarity

My Dil hates plain water, so she drinks summer fruits no sugar squash (is it still called squash?) It helped her to kick her soda habit. Don't try to change your diet instantly. Try adding in a piece of fruit instead. So, sandwich and a kit kat becomes sandwich, apple, maybe you won't want the KitKat. Or maybe you will, but at at least you've eaten some fruit too. I spent my kids early years feeling much as you do. I eventually got antidepressants. House was still a tip, but at least it didn't feel like the end of the world. I also think I'm ADHD inattentive (not bothering to get a formal diagnosis, it wouldn't help me now). You may be the same.

You are very articulate and great with words. I don’t usually bother with long threads but found yours very easy to read.
Could you be motivated by using your talents to write too? Start a blog, insta page etc? I’ve seen women do it to motivate themselves to lose weight, yours could be to restart your daily habits. Mrs Hinch style of cleaning up your day & life!

Best of luck.

I have the opposite issue so try not to get too obsessed with perfection either. I can’t relax and am constantly decluttering, redecorating, new projects - I need to learn to chill & play blocks with my babies more.

I remember reading a thread on here a few years ago about a woman who was really really struggling to bond with her baby. Completely different to your situation i know but she said something quite profound about antidepressants that always stuck with me. Basically they helped clear away all the negative spiralling thoughts, the deep lows, the bashing herself... they got her to an even keel and once there she was able to start tackling the big problems.

Just wanted to say you aren't alone. I could have written this. Except I only have a school aged kid, really think I have no excuse for the state I'm in 😂 Weird question - do you ever feel you're a bit different from other people? Are you more of a dreamer, an abstract thinker? Regularly escape from reality in front of you? By eating/day dreaming/scrolling/TV. Sometimes I think there are certain personality types for which sensory type things dont come naturally, like we lose touch with our bodies and what they need.

I'm guessing that you prefer foods that are convenient and give you a quick hit and satisfaction? I know I do. I switched from fizzy juice to plain fizzy water because I realised what I like most about fizzy stuff is the texture, not the sugar. It took a while to get used to. I still binge on it but it's got no calories so not bad. I've switched from eating huge bars of chocolate to snacking on kitkats. Still chocolate but a lot less calories. I still binge but it's not as bad as huge bars. I cut down to no sugar in my decaf coffee (caffeine makes me more tired!). And I have small mugs of coffee rather than big ones, to get used to having less. These felt like small manageable changes, they won't be making a huge difference but it's all about taking one step at a time.

Millions of pounds is spent on making food, especially convenience food, addictive. Down to the right amount of crunch, to keep you coming back for more. Is it any surprise that a lot of us get addicted to this type of food? It's packed with flavour, the texture is amazing and the look of the packaging draws us in. Temptation is constant. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Are there any small changes you could make? One at a time. Not all at once.

I really feel for you. As PPs have said, you explain yourself very articulately and honestly.
YY to one thing per day. I am going to focus on cleaning as that really helps me to feel better mentally. I have a tendency to procrastinate but watching cleaning channels on YouTube really help motivate me (sad, I know but if it works, who cares?) The Secret Slob might be a good one. There are loads of systems you could follow like flylady or The Organised Mum Method and adapt them a bit to suit you.

You start small and gradually do more. With three DC, focus on them but try to do the following each day, maybe. Start with just one thing and then see if you can add one more each day or set a timer for 15 mins and just work through. Stop when it goes off. Timer works quite well for me.

AM
Make beds
Open windows/curtains
Washing up/empty dishwasher
Quick wipe of worktops
Hoover/sweep main areas
Load of washing

PM
Toy tidy - set a timer for 10 mins, older children 'help?'
Wipe key surfaces - kitchen/bathroom
Quick clean of loo if needed.

Before bed, aim to get all dirty dishes cleaned up or in dishwasher
Quick additional tidy
Empty sink and clean/shine it

Writing it out, it's quite a lot but you could fit it in throughout the day when you can. If you can keep it up for a week, it will make a huge difference. You could build in bigger routines later if the DC allow for that!

Good luck I know cleaning is just one small part of it but it's a start.

As you say, if you would like people to hold you accountable, people on the housekeeping topic area on here would.

@Shatandfattered
How was last night? Did you manage to let all those thoughts and worries go? It’s ok to be you. You are enough and you have a right to be in the world. Go gently through day, not like a bastard, but nice and slow.

Start on a running programme in your spare time. You only need 30 mins three times a week to get out on your own. It kicks off gradually with alternating walking and jogging so you can do it even if you are completely unfit. This will help with your mood, your self esteem and even your diet. It will be something you are doing for yourself. It changed my life and could yours too.

Solidarity from me. I have a 4yo and 1yo and waste so much time. I get to sleep well but struggle to function before 8am. I spend so long feeling motivated by instagram/mumsnet/YouTube where it all looks so manageable from my sofa, but I just can't make myself get up and do it however much I want to.

It's hard!!

Op - I am very much the same personality type as you. What helps me is just setting myself one task to do - for example, clear all kitchen surfaces or vacuum sitting room - then give myself quick reward (cup of coffee and on Mumsnet for 20 minutes! ) Then another quick task and stop for 20minutes. Slow progress but as you see yourself getting through things and ticking stuff off your list you will start to feel better and more motivated.

Exercise might also help - quick walk before going to bed might help you to feel more physically tired.

Good luck.

Hi OP, hope you're feeling ok today. I have similar tendencies, I'm much better as I've gotten older but it's still something I struggle with. It sounds to me like you're (understandably) completely exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally. When I get in a state like that (at the end of every SAHM working week ) I need complete rest for a while, with no guilt, and then eventually I feel calmer and naturally regain motivation. I know it's really really hard to do this when the tasks are piling up around you, and you feel guilty for neglecting your family etc etc, but I've found it's the only way to reset. Rest is so important, and some people have a greater need for it than others for various reasons, and that's ok.

You sound really hard on yourself, you're actually doing a heroic job every day. Perfectionism is exhausting and just gets in the way... Making perfect the enemy of the good and all that.

It's nice to hear from fellow chronic procrastinators, like you say it's usually the opposite on MN! Can't believe you feel bad about not functioning before 8am Eyedrops, that's amazing! I feel like a hero if I manage to start the working day at 9.