To ask you to kick me up the arse

[Shatandfattered]

I'm in such a rut it's utterly shocking and I'm sick of feeling shit, behaving shit, eating shit, and doing shit all!

I'm a SAHM and carer to DS12. I also have DD8 AND DS10mnths..... I feel like I'm being the most rubbish mother right now and don't feel like I had great habits to begin with.

Basically, I have absolutely terrible sleep hygiene and have never been a morning person which of course isn't compatible with a 10month old who regularly wakes up at night. I can start out with all the intentions in the world to go to bed when he does but will really struggle to switch my mind off and will either roll around for hours or end up picking up my phone. Have my phone constantly on eye comfort backlight to prevent the blue light triggers to my brain but it clearly doesn't help.

Next issue, I have absolutely zero motivation and I am one horrible person to be around. I feel like I'm constantly either nagging and shouting at my kids or I'm trying to get the little one to nap and telling the other ones to bugger off quietly and the guilt is overwhelming. I truly feel like I'm having a huge impact on their emotional needs right now and I'm so frustrated and upset with myself but don't know how to get out of it.

Next issue is motivation. I have no routine or get up and go and basically feel like a lazy cow. I either have sporadic bursts of blitzing a room from floor to ceiling, or I revert to the sofa and do bugger all so it all piles up again because I have no willpower or energy.

I'm eating tons of absolute crap, hardly drinking any water and rely on soda far far too much, I have debts and live UC payment to UC payment and never ever have money to get through the month cause I'm crap at managing it, I'm not out getting exercise and fresh air. I also usually have some form of physical complaint such as headaches, aches and pains, lethargy, nausea and I really honestly wonder if I'm making it up in my head to excuse myself for my utter laziness! I've often wondered if I'm deficient in Vitamin D or b12 and this could be the root of a few of my issues as I have PCOS and I believe they go hand in hand but obviously my hands are tied with getting any investigation done on this.
I'm wallowing in my own pathetic self pity and shit life syndrome with every bit of knowledge of what I need to do to feel better but no idea how to get the motivation to start to turn things around.

I realise I sound like a pathetic self indulgent negative bitch and I am more than willing to hear such as I need to be told, but what I guess I'm looking for is tips, help, stories of experience of turning bad habits like mine around. My brain will run a million miles an hour at night of the day I wish to have the next morning, I'll write lists of tasks and I'll have such good intentions but when I wake up I'm back to the bitter lazy idiot again! How do I get myself to grow the hell up and grab the day by the balls?!

I'm so sorry, I read that as LICK you up the arse and wondered what the hell I was clicking into 😂

My goodness you sound just like I was for years and years growing up.

I still have many aspects (on day one giving up soda after picking up a can last Thursday).

Where I failed for years was definitely wanting everything transformed NOW. Everything all at once.

Day one is the hardest. As you can always start tomorrow.

For me the expression "do you want this?" Helped.

Do I want all the things I want - or would I be more happy slobbing on the sofa with a mars? Do I want to improve?

I love a plan - I love organising what I want to be - and always set too hard goals too quickly.

Do short 13day goals with something you want to have made a new positive habit in those days.

Is it 13 days they say it takes for something to become a new habit?

Good luck - you can do this - do you want this?

Thank you for replying! The main things I would like to achieve are-
At least 5k steps a day (I know that’s not a lot but it would be for me)
Clean up my diet
Make small consistent efforts with housework like two 15 minute tidy ups a day, clean kitchen at the end of the day, whizz the hoover round, toilet + sinks cleaned and beds made.
Get the kids to do some non screen based activities.

I really don’t know what to do about my 12 year dead in the water relationship though.

@Emlou07 hahahaha!
@Vegena I most definitely do want it! Hoping I keep up this momentum

@TiredSloth so sorry, I never noticed earlier you had replied whilst I was writing. Those sound like good steps to take. Start to take care of yourself mentally first then you'll have better clarity on your relationship, you can do this!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/housekeeping/3895679-Social-distancing-around-the-Maypole-Fledglings-fly-into-Flylady-thread-May-2020

Just checking in, looks like there's a little posse forming! Bloody well done everyone!
@Shatandfattered, @TiredSloth, I think you were meant to find each other.

Hope you’re ok today @Shatandfattered!

I’ve been prescribed anti d’s by my dr over the phone today so I’m hoping they can help me start to get out of this pit.

Hi @TiredSloth I'm doing ok. I had a rubbish day yesterday where I did the bare minimum but hopefully get back on the horse today. That's fantastic that you've taken the step to get the doctors to help, I'm sure once they kick in they'll make a huge difference.

How are you @TiredSloth

Hi @Shatandfattered, sorry I hadn’t seen your replies. I actually had an ok day yesterday, managed to clean the living room and painted with the kids instead of just sticking them in front the tv. Today I have completely lost my mojo and everything feels completely overwhelming again. When I get like this everything feels pointless in a way I can’t really describe. Every week or so I get an ok day, I just wish there were more of them! How are you today?

Oh @TiredSloth I'm so sad to hear you're having a rubbish day again I had a rubbish day yesterday and was lying in my bed at half five at night in an awful mood and feeling so incredibly lazy, but I forced myself out the door and ended up walking even further than I've ever walked so I think I'm slowly but surely implementing a positive habit that I use as a coping tool. I know you're not able to get out and about for now though so that's not much help to you. Well done on yesterday! What I've found, as crap as it is to hear, is just getting up and doing one thing such as the dishes or starting to bleach the bathroom kind of jumpstarts me into feeling motivated. I do realise how hard that is to get into the habit of though because I've failed at it millions of times

@Shatandfattered you are definitely right that just starting something is great motivation to keep going. Some days I do this and it works. Other days I just don’t have the physical or mental energy to attempt more than getting myself and the dc dressed and feeding them. I feel like I’m in some sort thick fog and that there will never be a way out so what is even the point of trying? And I can’t tell anyone in real life because I’m petrified people will think I’m being really self indulgent and people have their own shit going on don’t they?
Sorry that went down a really self centred route didn’t it?! That’s amazing that you went for a walk yesterday! Fresh air is lush. I have this beautiful walk near me which has the most spectacular tree I’ve ever seen in it and it always calms me when I look at it. Hope you’re ok.

@TiredSloth being self centred is exactly what you need to be doing right now! That's precisely what I'm doing, you can't care about pleasing other people until you care about yourself

I'm similar. And can find myself easily overwhelmed. Setting yourself small achievable goals (instead of doing all changes at once) is something I'm planning to try. House is a mess and I also have terrible sleep hygiene. But if I set small goals and achieve some, i will think (I hope) am making progress. Will be setting myself up to fail with anything else. Oh, and give yourself a break! You have a lot on your plate