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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not moving in with boyfriend and his parents

98 replies

Wedforloss · 05/05/2020 01:54

Like many people, not seen boyfriend for around 2 months (or however lockdown has been).
We're both 25 and still living with parents (no judgy comments about this please, living with my parents suits me as i cant quite afford the housing level and they dont mind at all).
Anyway, i have 2 little sisters who are primary aged. I'm a furloughed supply teacher so I am home schooling them (and reallY enjoying it). He has just lost his job (redundancies) and is now saying he wants me to move in with him and his parents so we can see each other.
We've been together 2 years and I love his family but I love the bubble i have right now.
I'm loving spending time with my sisters. And i can't imagine just getting up and saying 'right i'm off to move in with him' when my sisters have a routine going.

He couldn't move in here as often it's my mum, me and my sisters at home in the day whilst my dad works so I'm not even bringing that up to my mum as it wouldn't be respecftul to move him in when she just about has time to herself anyway.

I just cant sleep as he seems annoyed at me that i've said no when we havent seen each other in months,
I dont want to break up but i wouldnt be comfortable living in someone elses house

OP posts:

lemontreebird · 05/05/2020 01:56

YANBU.

Zoecarter · 05/05/2020 02:01

Yanbu but neither is he. If after 2 years he isn’t a priority and you’re not thinking of moving in i would be questioning me whole relationship.

Original poster

Wedforloss · 05/05/2020 02:03

But it's not the fact i dont want to move in with him, i dont feel comfortable moving into his parents house, It wouldnt be my house

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/05/2020 02:04

One of the most important things in a relationship is seeing what the other person does when you say no, perfectly reasonably.

You have very good reasons for saying no. He has:

Seen it as a jumping off point for negotiations, rather than a no
Decided his reasons are better than yours
Disregarded your role, safety, boundaries
Got annoyed about it

I'd be reconsidering the relationship myself. First though, say something along the lines of, "teaching my sisters is really important to me so I will be staying where I am. I'd like you to respect that" or whatever words sound like that but you! If he can't respect that, tough shit for him. I wouldn't be losing sleep.

Rottnest · 05/05/2020 02:12

This is your life OP, not his.
You consider the situation and make your decision, and, stick to it.
Personally I would not live with his parents, I would only move to my own home, rented. whatever, IF I wanted to move in with him, but that is just me.
MrsTerryPratchet posted good points.
Stick to your guns.

TheSandgroper · 05/05/2020 02:13

A family member of a different generation taught my late dm at school. They both said that they had a proper relationship because of it.

Stay home. You will never get this time again and it will form the base of the rest of your life.

browzingss · 05/05/2020 02:16

There’s a massive difference between moving in with him, and moving into his parents house with him. I wouldn’t do that either, it’s a completely different dynamic.

Original poster

Wedforloss · 05/05/2020 02:21

We were looking at houses last week to get an idea of what we'd like and we were thinking the end of next year will be a good time to consider,
But i didnt say i didnt want to move in with him ever as i can think of nothing better than having a house with him but right now is not the time.

Thanks for all responses though! I feel a bit less stressed!
It's the thought of leaving my sisters.
When they were still in school, i was in my boyfriend's about 3 times a week and he was in ours a couple of times a week too,
But right now it doesnt feel right to leave them

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 05/05/2020 02:24

You don't want to move into his family's home. Don't do it. If he continues to pressure you, you need to reevaluate this relationship.

enragedpenfold · 05/05/2020 02:27

He wants you to move into his parents house to entertain him because he’s bored now he’s lost his job.
Hell to the no.
Carry on making plans for later. If he loves you (and doesn’t try to guilt trip you) then it will work out. You can literally say that you are too involved with schooling and are really looking forward to the world being normal so that you can be together.
Make it about where you are needed, not where you don’t want to be.

justilou1 · 05/05/2020 03:26

Absolutely stay where you are. If it was right, it would feel right. You would not feel pressured. He is being a jerk.

Mothership4two · 05/05/2020 03:30

Has this just happened? If so, give him a chance, he may realise he is being unfair and come back to you and. hopefully, apologise. He is obviously missing you, is probably stressed at losing his job (plus lockdown) and vented. None of us are perfect, sometimes we do or say the wrong things which we later regret or not. You are obviously going to stay where you are and where you are needed most. He is just going to have to lump it and hopefully get over it.

Well done for looking after your sisters

Purpleartichoke · 05/05/2020 04:10

I wouldn’t move into his parents home. Moving in together comes later when you can both afford to live independently.

Mintjulia · 05/05/2020 04:38

YAnbu. Your bf expects you to give up doing something valuable to entertain him, in an environment you are not comfortable with.

You are not his entertainments manager, but he is supremely selfish. If he lets it go and good humour returns quickly then ok, but if he has a.prolonged strop about it, I’d reconsider the relationship.

Muh2020 · 05/05/2020 04:47

Sounds like he wants shagging.
He wants to move you in for fuck.

AnotherBoredOne · 05/05/2020 04:53

Gosh no. Stay where you are. You will see each other soon enough.

searchaway · 05/05/2020 05:41

There’s no way I’d move into somebody else’s parents house! No way at all. What a crazy idea. He wants you to uproot your comfortable/enjoyable life? Doesn’t really care about your feelings does he?

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 05/05/2020 05:59

Or he just misses his girlfriend and now not working he’s not going to be putting her in harms way as he will be solely at home, instead of just wanting a “shag” and to “entertain” him these type of comments say more about whose writing them than it does the OP

YANBU, I’d also be uncomfortable moving into a home that isn’t my own in the current circumstances.

Mothership4two · 05/05/2020 06:05

these type of comments say more about whose writing them than it does the OP

Agree. Felt that throughout the thread

OhamIreally · 05/05/2020 06:29

OP women are strongly socialised to prioritise men. Often when we reach middle age we look back at our youth and wonder why on earth we made the decisions we did.
You sound like a really nice person, concerned for your sisters, considerate of your mother, and keen not to upset your boyfriend.
But this is your life and you are entitled to make your own decisions.
Imagine if your boyfriend were a supply teacher, homeschooling his little brothers and you threw a strop because he wouldn't abandon them to move in with you at your parents' house. Does that look in any way reasonable?
I agree with PP that this will form the basis of a good relationship with your sisters forever and you are doing a brilliant thing for them.

SavoyCabbage · 05/05/2020 06:34

Good post @OhamIreally

Porridgeoat · 05/05/2020 06:48

It’s natural for him to miss you more what with having less to do himself. However You’re supporting your family and you understand the value in that. The homeschooling will be a massive help to your sisters education, your mum having some much needed space and your dads peace of mind. It’s real family bonding stuff, everyone pulling together and there will be long term effects. I would personally worry about your DP not seeing the value in what youre doing. If you have children together will he see the value in childcare which often falls as wife work?

Microzilla · 05/05/2020 06:59

You are happy where you are. You are also doing a really great thing home schooling your sisters. Put yourself first. You don’t owe him this. It sounds stressful and unnecessary.

OhamIreally makes some excellent posts. I look back at my life and realise I’ve spent way way too many of them pleasing the men in my life and trying to meet their expectations. My 60 year old happily single self now thinks fucking hell what a massive and ridiculous waste that was. Unless you are thinking ‘Wow, this sounds a great idea’ and you’d luck forward to it, then stay right where you are and don’t give in to pressure.

BlueJava · 05/05/2020 07:00

He just wants you to move in for sex I think. It would seem very unfair on you because you'd need to move into somewhere you don't feel fully comfortable and then stay there. I wouldn't want to stay in someone's else's house full time. The thing you've got going with your sisters sounds lovely, pleased you are getting on well and I'm sure your parents are pleased re the teaching. Perhaps he's showing his true colours?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 05/05/2020 07:03

DON'T move into his parents home if you don't want to.

Honestly - it puts huge pressure on a relationship, moving into either set of parents' home., even if you think they are wonderful and get on really well with them.

As you say - it isn't your home, you don't have the easy relationship you have with your own parents, you won't feel free to behave the way you want or even have an argument, their house rules may not suit you - you could end up having a huge falling out with your BF if there is conflict between you and his mam and dad (and I've been there - it can take the tiniest thing to spark a disagreement when you are getting on each other's nerves).

It would be particularly hard at a time like this, when you can't get out of the house to give each other space if you need to. You will be sharing his room (I assume) so you won't even have any personal space if you feel you want to have some solitude. You will worry about your sisters and how they are managing their education . . .

Just don't do it.

As others have said - his reaction will be telling. If he tries to put pressure on you, it will tell you a lot about him.

(And there is nothing wrong with living with your parents if it suits you financially, and you get on with the family. It may not be ideal - I'm sure you'd love to be independent, and that your DM would like to see you settled in your own place - but it isn't the huge issue some people make it.)

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