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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not moving in with boyfriend and his parents

98 replies

Wedforloss · 05/05/2020 01:54

Like many people, not seen boyfriend for around 2 months (or however lockdown has been).
We're both 25 and still living with parents (no judgy comments about this please, living with my parents suits me as i cant quite afford the housing level and they dont mind at all).
Anyway, i have 2 little sisters who are primary aged. I'm a furloughed supply teacher so I am home schooling them (and reallY enjoying it). He has just lost his job (redundancies) and is now saying he wants me to move in with him and his parents so we can see each other.
We've been together 2 years and I love his family but I love the bubble i have right now.
I'm loving spending time with my sisters. And i can't imagine just getting up and saying 'right i'm off to move in with him' when my sisters have a routine going.

He couldn't move in here as often it's my mum, me and my sisters at home in the day whilst my dad works so I'm not even bringing that up to my mum as it wouldn't be respecftul to move him in when she just about has time to herself anyway.

I just cant sleep as he seems annoyed at me that i've said no when we havent seen each other in months,
I dont want to break up but i wouldnt be comfortable living in someone elses house

OP posts:
Yelllow · 05/05/2020 07:25

No way!! If he wants you to live with him so bad he should get his own place.

Standrewsschool · 05/05/2020 07:26

He could have invited you to move in when the lockdown started. However, he only has since loosing his job. Moving into someone’s house is a big ask.

Don’t be pressurised I’m moving if you don’t want to. This lockdown will be over soon, and then you can make plans going forward.

((No judgement on still being at home, probably more common than people realise),

YeahWhatevver · 05/05/2020 07:27

YANBU.

Your reasons are perfectly sensible.

dontdisturbmenow · 05/05/2020 07:29

You clearly don't miss him that much. I think it is telling of the feelings you have for him if your comfort calls you more than being with him.

Nothing wrong at all but if I were him, I would end it as it sounds like you are at different stages of the relationship.

jennylouisaa · 05/05/2020 07:30

YANBU and for what it's worth you sound like a really nice person. This time you're spending with your sisters will mean so much to them.

strawberry2017 · 05/05/2020 07:33

So he's only asked because he now had no job? Charming, looks like you are the entertainment !
In all honesty I'd stay where you are and keep doing the home schooling,
Your family will massively appreciate the support and you are happy there.
Your little sisters will remember this for a lifetime and I think the time is special for you all.
Part of me also thinks he needs to learn he can't just click his fingers and you drop everything and come running.
This may effect your long term relationship but let's face it, if it does then he wasn't the one for you anyway.
There isn't a chance on this Earth id move in with someone else's family if I didn't have to. The fact he's only asking now because it suits him says a lot about him.

4amWitchingHour · 05/05/2020 07:33

Nonsense @dontdisturbmenow, I knew my husband was the right person for me when I didn't miss him - I just contentedly looked forward to the next time I'd see him, but there was no desperation or insecurity. People are different. OP sounds like she's much better off altogether staying where she is, doesn't necessarily mean anything about the relationship with her bf

TwentyViginti · 05/05/2020 07:34

No, stay where you are. You are providing a much needed service to your sisters, and being a huge help to your parents, while keeping your skills up to date - and enjoying it! win win!

Your BF wants you to move into his parents house because he's bored with no work. He could spend the time doing an online course in something to keep his mind active and show future employers his willingness to retrain or update his own skills. This situation won't last forever, don't allow him to guilt trip you into serving HIS wants rather than yours.

tillyteatowel · 05/05/2020 07:36

You sound really happy where you are. I wouldn’t give that up to move in with someone else’s parents.

Northernsoullover · 05/05/2020 07:36

dontdisturb thats pathetic. I love my fiance very much but we decided that it would be far more practical and healthy NOT to isolate in the same house. Maybe you are one of those people who can't function without being with a significant other 24/7 but don't assume that other, more independent people aren't 'in love' Confused because they have the foresight to be practical AND realistic.
Being in the same space as someone 24/7? Bloody hell even Tom Hardy would lose his appeal in those conditions.

TwentyViginti · 05/05/2020 07:39

dontdisturbmenow you are being ridiculous. No way should OP prioritise her BF's wants over hers.

Being a penis pleaser rarely works out well for women.

Ragwort · 05/05/2020 07:43

No way, as a others have said, he is bored and wants you to move into his parents’ home to “entertain” him Hmm. And what do his parents think? I like my adult DS’s girlfriend very much but no way do I want her moving into our home, and no way would she want to.

Stay where you are , you are both young, there is plenty of time to discuss your future when this is all over. You sound a wonderful, balanced young woman, don’t give it all your up just because your BF ‘misses you’ Hmm.

SnuggyBuggy · 05/05/2020 07:43

I wouldn't want to live with my in laws. I know its normal for some cultures but it doesn't appeal at all.

happystory · 05/05/2020 07:55

I wonder what his parents think of this. We have dds boyfriend living with us at the moment and whilst he's perfectly nice and we're all getting along, I'd much rather he wasn't here.

dontdisturbmenow · 05/05/2020 08:01

Maybe you are one of those people who can't function without being with a significant other 24/7
No not at all. On the opposite. But I wouldn't prioritise the comfort of life with mum and dad at 25 over being 2ith my partner of two years.

I totally agree that we are all different and there is no right or wrong. It wasn't an insult to OP. However, I wouldn't want a partner who would miss being with mum and dad more than being with me. He might feel like I do.

FinallyHere · 05/05/2020 08:04

Wot @MrsTerryPratchett said.

Read that, read it again.

Seeing how a potential partner reacts when things dont go their way is really important.

You are absolutely right to not want to move in with his parents or leave your family. It's not wrong for him to want something else.

It's not right for him to try to pressure you to do what he wants. That's really not good in a potential partner.

What is good is that you have a chance to see it for what it is now. Call him out on it.

Don't, whatever you do, just give in

Pol16 · 05/05/2020 08:08

You know you would be unhappy being there so don’t do it. These are strange times with anxieties running high. You are obviously completely happy at home and love your family and sisters. You are providing an invaluable service to your sisters who obviously think of lot of you as you all seem to be enjoying the homeschooling. You are offering your sisters stability and a sort of normality when everything’s else is a bit up in the air. If your boyfriend loves you he will understand and remain supportive. If he can’t do this then I would see it as a red flag I’m afraid. Looking after your mental health is important right now, stay where you are.

FinallyHere · 05/05/2020 08:10

@dontdisturbmenow

, I wouldn't want a partner who would miss being with mum and dad more than being with me

If this is what you read into the OP, then you are spectacularly missing the point. It's just not about who the OP misses most.

Incrediblytired · 05/05/2020 08:17

You sound like a really decent person. Lots of these comments are vile.

He probably just really misses you, wants to be together and thinks this is the solution. It doesn’t sound like he’s fully listening to you but it’s very very reasonable for you not to want to move to his parents. I wouldn’t. You’d go from being in your own home to being a perpetual guest. I think it’s important for everyone’s sanity to live where they are comfortable during a global pandemic!

Reassure him that you do want to move in together but that it’s a really big deal and you want to do it properly when it’s possible

RedskyAtnight · 05/05/2020 08:23

We were looking at houses last week to get an idea of what we'd like and we were thinking the end of next year will be a good time to consider,

Is this a genuine "we"? I understand why you don't want to move into his parents' house, but if you've already been with him for 2 years, not wanting to move in together for another 18 months is a long time. I'd check that you are both on the same page as regards where you think this relationship is going.

Tigersneeze · 05/05/2020 08:32

OP women are strongly socialised to prioritise men. Often when we reach middle age we look back at our youth and wonder why on earth we made the decisions we did.
^
This!

OP don't be stressed, this is a relationship test like PP said. carefully watch his reaction when you do what is right for your wellbeing.

TwentyViginti · 05/05/2020 08:44

But I wouldn't prioritise the comfort of life with mum and dad at 25 over being 2ith my partner of two years

The BF lives with HIS mum and dad Confused

So OP should give up homeschooling her sisters and keeping her skills up, to provide entertainment to her BF - WHO ALSO STILL LIVES AT HIS PARENT'S HOME???????

Nanny0gg · 05/05/2020 08:47

I know now isn't an ideal time, but surely he has to be job hunting rather than house hunting?

GinWithASplashOfTonic · 05/05/2020 08:48

YANBU firstly because you are happy at your home. Also there's a big difference between moving into his parents home and moving in to you're own place with him.

differentnameforthis · 05/05/2020 08:55

@Zoecarter If after 2 years he isn’t a priority and you’re not thinking of moving in i would be questioning me whole relationship.

Oh stop it. OP said it's about not wanting to live with his parents, and I get it. I had to do 6 weeks living with my in-laws, it isn't easy and will test anyone, let alone a couple cohabiting for the first time during a forced isolation.

He doesn't need to sulk about it, to be honest, that would make me NOT want to move in with him at all.

@MrsTerryPratchett talks sense, as does @OhamIreally. Especially the part about prioritizing men. I look back and realize all my major life choices were (no longer the case, once I realized) driven by what my dh wanted for "us". Moving into our first place, when we married, moving house, the house we chose, when we had children etc.

@HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend these type of comments say more about whose writing them than it does the OP

You might have a point if the bf hadn't resorted to sulking because he can't get his own way! If he is that bad the the op can't sleep, I doubt he is being reasonable at all.

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