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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not moving in with boyfriend and his parents

98 replies

Wedforloss · 05/05/2020 01:54

Like many people, not seen boyfriend for around 2 months (or however lockdown has been).
We're both 25 and still living with parents (no judgy comments about this please, living with my parents suits me as i cant quite afford the housing level and they dont mind at all).
Anyway, i have 2 little sisters who are primary aged. I'm a furloughed supply teacher so I am home schooling them (and reallY enjoying it). He has just lost his job (redundancies) and is now saying he wants me to move in with him and his parents so we can see each other.
We've been together 2 years and I love his family but I love the bubble i have right now.
I'm loving spending time with my sisters. And i can't imagine just getting up and saying 'right i'm off to move in with him' when my sisters have a routine going.

He couldn't move in here as often it's my mum, me and my sisters at home in the day whilst my dad works so I'm not even bringing that up to my mum as it wouldn't be respecftul to move him in when she just about has time to herself anyway.

I just cant sleep as he seems annoyed at me that i've said no when we havent seen each other in months,
I dont want to break up but i wouldnt be comfortable living in someone elses house

OP posts:
NearlyGranny · 05/05/2020 09:02

YANBU. At home, you are a valued family member performing a vital function. You have your own space and routines and no doubt know your way around the kitchen, too. At your bf's parents' place it would be a different matter. Would you have the run of the kitchen? How much private space would you actually have? What would you do all day? Is there any risk you'll find yourself sitting around in his childhood room watching him playing computer games waiting for scraps of his attention? It could finish you as a couple!

It sounds like a bad idea to me, and it wouldn't be easy to undo, either. Why not just tell him you'd rather wait until you can move into your own place together and enjoy it properly? It won't be long now and you've got this far.

If he's taken you initial no, thanks, as a signal to open negotiations and start putting pressure on you, he may be a poor respecter of boundaries; that's important to know. Remember, you aren't responsible for his happiness and neither are you his entertainment committee!

FizzyGreenWater · 05/05/2020 09:02

One of the most important things in a relationship is seeing what the other person does when you say no, perfectly reasonably.

You have very good reasons for saying no. He has:

1. Seen it as a jumping off point for negotiations, rather than a no
2. Decided his reasons are better than yours
3. Disregarded your role, safety, boundaries
4. Got annoyed about it

I'd be reconsidering the relationship myself.

THIS EXACTLY.

Take a long look at whether you want to be with this guy long term - he doesn't sound like a keeper except when things are going his way of course

redwoodmazza · 05/05/2020 09:04

You weren't living together before lockdown.
Seems like he just wants to get his leg over.
And I wouldn't want to live in my 'in-laws' home either!!! No way!!!
Stay put.

LolaSmiles · 05/05/2020 09:12

There's evidently a few posters on here who are used to putting the men in their life first. If any man told me he was rethinking the relationship because I didn't want to swap home educating my sisters to entertain him at his parents' house then my rethinking would be walking away from the relationship.

How someone reacts when they don't get their own way in a relationship is a useful thing to observe.

foodandwine89 · 05/05/2020 09:15

Dear god don’t do it. Your happiness and your wellbeing comes first! Always! Do not leave a fantastic living set up where you are thriving so he can have some entertainment. You will regret leaving your sisters to move in with a boyfriend and his parents!!! He sounds selfish. Trust me, you will regret this.

ErickBroch · 05/05/2020 09:35

Of course YANBU. I am very close to my family and have significantly younger siblings so I get it. I think he is just asking you as he is bored as he's been made redundant. Why should you have to move in with him because of lockdown??? Ridiculous

ErickBroch · 05/05/2020 09:36

I love my DP, we have a home together now, but I would have died before living with his parents.

BlingLoving · 05/05/2020 09:44

As pp posters have said, the fact that he only asks for this now isn't great and suggests an element of boredom. Which is understandable, but not your problem.

Meanwhile, I think how he views the things that are important to you is important. I think I'd be more concerned that he doesn't seem to see the importance of helping your sisters and your family in this very unusual time. And that worries me.

itmusthavebeencoffee · 05/05/2020 09:52

I moved into my boyfriend's parent's house (not during lockdown) and was so bored. The lack of freedom and just living in someone else's house was horribly awkward and I really didn't enjoy it. Stay where you are and enjoy your time with your sisters! I can understand why he'd be upset – I think people are being unnecessarily mean on here, he's just lost his job and he misses you, that's likely all there is to it.

cornflakes86 · 05/05/2020 10:07

No way would I move in with him. It is not unusual these days to live at home with your parents at 25 and although I am sure he misses you due to lockdown, plenty of people are in the same position. It would be hard enough living with in laws normally, but during a lockdown where people can’t go out and about it would be even more difficult to live there. I am married and even now I would much sooner move in to the comfort of my own family home with my own parents than move in with my in laws if I had the choice, even if it meant not seeing my husband for a while. Sounds like you are a great resource for your sisters at home and they are lucky to have you there. It is also keeping you occupied. What would you do all day in his parents house ?

Windyatthebeach · 05/05/2020 10:15

Do his dps fulfill most needs? He wants you there to tick his final box..
He is selfish imo.

Suggest he moves to you and see his reaction..
Does he mean when lockdown has eased anyway?

Embracelife · 05/05/2020 10:32

Stay put.
It s a limited time.
You are helping your family.
If this breaks up your relationship so be it.
But in 6 or 12 months you can move in together if you want. (Or you might rethink. You both young)

dontdisturbmenow · 05/05/2020 11:36

There's evidently a few posters on here who are used to putting the men in their life first
What does everything on MN has to turn into being abused by male partner the moment her partner is not happy with the choice she makes.

Men are not puppets in women's life to serve their happiness regardless of his feelings. They are entitled to feel and think differently.

OP has said she is happy in her bubble at home. There is nothing wrong with him being disappointed by this. It also makes total sense that he would consider it now that he doesn't have a job because it means being able to spend time with her and give her attention when he wouldn't have been able to do so before.

Too many mns seem to think that the world have to revolve around their needs, desires and intentions. It doesn't. OP is absolutely free to be happier at home with mum, dad and siblings. He is entitled to want to be with a partner who would prioritise wanting to be with him. Most 25yo would.

They are both free to want what makes them happier. OPs wishes don't trump his just because she happens to be female.

Response should have been so different if OP had written that she'd missed her partner of 2 years and asked him if he'd like to move in with her because she needed his support but he'd responded that he didn't care much for her family and prefer the bubble of his family life, he'd be accused of being a wimp and not that much into OP.

cornflakes86 · 05/05/2020 12:16

@dontdisturbmenow I completely disagree. He is asking her to move in with his parents. My husband and I lived with our respective parents for a good while when saving to buy a house. I would not have wanted to live with his parents and I know if I asked him to move in with mine he would be miserable and would refuse and I would respect that and understand it. And we get on well with both sets of parents. It just doesn’t suit some people to live with their in laws and i would not consider it selfish in any way. It’s nothing to do with expecting men to be “puppets”. Also the OP is helping her family teaching two young siblings in the house during a pandemic which is so difficult for everyone which is another reason why she should stay put!

greentriangles · 05/05/2020 12:20

Your life at your parents sounds wonderful, don't sacrifice that for a man. He will wait if he's the right dp.

nettie434 · 05/05/2020 12:53

The dynamic would be so different if you moved into his parents house. I think he is being unreasonable, especially because we are being told to expect an announcement on Sunday so some reduction may be allowed.

This is a chance to think more about the long term. What you are doing for your sisters is wonderful. Your parents must be so grateful too. It’s such a lovely thing to be able to do for your sisters (and completely not the point of the thread but being able to put developed and delivered home schooling programme for 6 weeks on you CV is good). A long term partner will want what is best for you and your family. It’s fine if he is just thinking about his short term boredom. However, it makes him look a less good bet for the long term.

dontlikebeards · 05/05/2020 13:02

You will never get this special time with your sisters again. The bond this will create could be amazing.

dontdisturbmenow · 05/05/2020 13:36

It just doesn’t suit some people to live with their in laws and i would not consider it selfish in any way

I agree, but it seems the issue is not so much about living with his family but not wanting to leave hers.
We've been together 2 years and I love his family but I love the bubble i have right now

I could I understand it at 18, or if they'd been together for 6 months, but they've been together for 2 years, not seen each other for 2 months, and yet OP rather stays in her comforting bubble rather than being with her partner.

Again, nothing wrong with that, but as partner, I can understand as this would feel like as a rejection and why he would detach himself from the relationship if he is looking for more commitment. Nothing wrong either with him feeling put out by her decision.

AdaStarkadder · 05/05/2020 13:45

Don't do it! DP and l have been together decades but if l'd moved in with his mum and dad we wouldn't have lasted a month!
You're doing fine where you are, his wants don't trump yours and if he can't accept that after an initial harumph then he may not be a keeper anyway!

Original poster
Wedforloss · 05/05/2020 13:52

@dontdisturbmenow you seem very content on the idea that i never want to move in with my boyfriend.
We have discussed moving in together in the past and if it wasnt for the coronavirus, we probably would have moved in together by the end of the year.
But god forbid, I dont want to look into houses whilst on furlough and he's just been made redundant.

Youre missing the point entirely i dont feel comfortable moving into his parents house, not that i dont want to move in his.
I dont even know if his parents would be fully happy with the idea or his 14 yr old brother.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wedforloss · 05/05/2020 13:55

@dontdisturbmenow and what's with the 'i'd understand 18'
You do realise there are a lot more mid to late 20s still living at home with parents as it is not as easy to get on the housing ladder. Most of my friends still live with parents apart from those who have had kids and one pair of my friends are renting.

I am not just sitting about playing computer games all day. I am teaching my sisters and taking them for walks and paying rent to my parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wedforloss · 05/05/2020 13:57

I feel awful enough that he's upset about losing his job and thinks that I mustnt care that much if i'm not desperate to be with him and that he would be there for me if i lost my job. But the coronavirus makes things a little bit harder. I"d love to give him a hug and have a long face-to-face chat but i video call him most days and it sucks that life is the way it is atm

OP posts:
dontdisturbmenow · 05/05/2020 14:00

I never said anything about you not wanted to move in with him long term.

My comments is that there seems to be very little sympathy to the fact that he is disappointed as clearly missing you enough to overcome the issues you don't want to do you can be together.

He is made to be unreasonable. There is no such thing as being unreasonable for being disappointed. He is entitled to be so and you need to respect it as much as you expect him to accept you won't move with him.

pigsDOfly · 05/05/2020 14:08

What you are doing at the moment sounds amazing.

You will never have another opportunity to build such a strong bond and relationships with your sisters and it's making you all very happy.

Stay where you are.

What would you do all day at his parents house?

He's bored and it sounds like he wants you to keep him company and be bored with him.

Loving his family when you see them from time to time is one thing. Loving his family when you see them every day and share a home with them is a whole different kettle of fish.

Please stop losing sleep over this and please don't let him wear you down over this.

It's not what you want and it's not what's best for you. If he can't understand that and respect it, then maybe he isn't the one for you.

Original poster
Wedforloss · 05/05/2020 14:12

Response should have been so different if OP had written that she'd missed her partner of 2 years and asked him if he'd like to move in with her because she needed his support but he'd responded that he didn't care much for her family and prefer the bubble of his family life, he'd be accused of being a wimp and not that much into OP.

@dontdisturbmenow

  1. I dont remember ever saying i dont care for his family? I've said quite the opposite! That i ger along with them great.
  2. Throughout this thread you have been questionning my commitment to him and saying how you understand why he would detatch if he is looking for more commitmentHmm

"He is entitled to want to be with a partner who would prioritise wanting to be with him. Most 25yo would."

I'm sorry but this comment is ridiculous. We are in the middle of a pandemic!!! When life is normal, we see each other all the time!
You're being absolutely ridiculous!

OP posts:
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