AIBU not moving in with boyfriend and his parents

[Wedforloss]

Like many people, not seen boyfriend for around 2 months (or however lockdown has been).
We're both 25 and still living with parents (no judgy comments about this please, living with my parents suits me as i cant quite afford the housing level and they dont mind at all).
Anyway, i have 2 little sisters who are primary aged. I'm a furloughed supply teacher so I am home schooling them (and reallY enjoying it). He has just lost his job (redundancies) and is now saying he wants me to move in with him and his parents so we can see each other.
We've been together 2 years and I love his family but I love the bubble i have right now.
I'm loving spending time with my sisters. And i can't imagine just getting up and saying 'right i'm off to move in with him' when my sisters have a routine going.

He couldn't move in here as often it's my mum, me and my sisters at home in the day whilst my dad works so I'm not even bringing that up to my mum as it wouldn't be respecftul to move him in when she just about has time to herself anyway.

I just cant sleep as he seems annoyed at me that i've said no when we havent seen each other in months,
I dont want to break up but i wouldnt be comfortable living in someone elses house

Nah, don't do it.

He wants company, entertainment, sex and somebody else picking up the tab for everything.

Of course he's pissed off.

Doesn't mean that you should move in with him into his childhood bedroom - especially as with him without a job, you won't be moving out in your own place any time soon.

Just as a warning, my ex did that with his girlfriend. They had two kids and got married all whilst living in his bedroom. Took them 12 years to get enough money to pass a rent credit check because he then decided to be a fulltime parent rather than get a job and pay childcare (with the length of time he'd been unemployed, he couldn't get a job that earned enough in his eyes to make it worthwhile).

They now rent the house next door to his parents. I really think that had she insisted upon him getting a job and only moving in together when he'd had that job long enough to get a mortgage, they'd be a lot better off because he really did/does love her and would have got off his arse done it had she insisted it was the only way.

What does everything on MN has to turn into being abused by male partner the moment her partner is not happy with the choice she makes.
This is a reply to part of my post and I didn't mention abuse.
I said some posters on here are clearly used to putting the men in their lives first.

Men are not puppets in women's life to serve their happiness regardless of his feelings. They are entitled to feel and think differently.
Nobody has said they're puppets in women's lives.

OP has said she is happy in her bubble at home.
Yes her HOME where she is home educating her siblings.
There is nothing wrong with him being disappointed by this.
Disappointed she won't stop home educating her siblings because he has more time on his hands is selfish.
It also makes total sense that he would consider it now that he doesn't have a job because it means being able to spend time with her and give her attention when he wouldn't have been able to do so before.
He wasn't able to give her attention because everyone was in lockdown with their respective families.
Both of them live with their parents.

*Too many mns seem to think that the world have to revolve around their needs, desires and intentions. It doesn't. OP is absolutely free to be happier at home with mum, dad and siblings.
He is entitled to want to be with a partner who would prioritise wanting to be with him. Most 25yo would.
He wasn't bothered about moving in before lockdown, or choosing to move into one of their parents' homes at the start of lockdown. He has only brought his up since he lost his job and has more time on his hands.

Response should have been so different if OP had written that she'd missed her partner of 2 years and asked him if he'd like to move in with her because she needed his support but he'd responded that he didn't care much for her family and prefer the bubble of his family life, he'd be accused of being a wimp and not that much into OP.
The OP has said they'd consider moving in as a COUPLE.
She doesn't want to move into his parents'.

Of course though, the OP is a meanie for not prioritising her boyfriend needing entertaining during lockdown. How dare she support her family and educate her siblings. A man has needs.🙄

@dontdisturbmenow Yes perhaps he is disappointed, which is ok. We are all suffering various disappointments due to this pandemic. However being annoyed about your partner not wanting to move in with your parents isn’t fair.

“He is entitled to want a partner who would prioritise being with him “
This is ridiculous we are in a pandemic would say it’s a particularly bad time to make the move. It doesn’t show a lack of commitment for op to want to stay where she is.

“Most 25yo would” Really ? I don’t think so.
I think most people would prefer the comfort of their own family home during a lockdown !

25 is so young there is plenty of time in the future for living together and not rushing into a situation you are not comfortable with, during a lockdown.

dont has turned 'annoyed' into 'disappointed' and OPs liking his parents into not liking them. dont clearly hasn't grasped the situation well.

MrsTerryPratchett
You don't understand. Men have needs and a 25 year old man's need for attention (and a shag) is so much more important than the education of OP's sisters.
The OP should stop being one of those women who think the world revolves around her family as it's totally reasonable for her boyfriend to want to be the priority in her life.

Another one saying don't do it. I think your sisters need you more than him at the moment.

Like another person said, it's one thing to move in together when you're both out working and seeing your own friends and family like a normal healthy relationship.

It's quite another to move into someone elses house, with their parents and teenage brother, and slot into their family life. This is difficult at the best of times but when everyone in the household has to spend 23 out of 24 hours in each others space and everyone is bored and stressed, it's a recipe for disaster.

Also if he wants to live with you that much why wait til he has been made redundant to ask you? Is he just bored and hoping you will entertain him?

I don't get why people are equating 'not right now under these circumstances' with 'I never want to live with you and actually we should split up'

You’ll never get such an amazing memory of time with your sisters as this! AND you’re really helping your family.

You weren’t planning to move in together YET anyway. You can’t just go for a sleepover. He’s allowed to suggest it and be disappointed you won’t... but being sulky? I’d just cut him loose. It’s a no brainer to stay where you are.

You should be solid enough after 2 years to get through this apart. If not... all the more reason not to go and live with HIS FAMILY.

but if I were him, I would end it as it sounds like you are at different stages of the relationship
Absolutely. Heaven forbid the little woman doesn't drop everything to please her 'man'!!!
Jeez. The 1950's are calling and they want you back!

OP, listen to the 99% of very intelligent, experienced women on this thread!
You know you are happier where you are right now.
If he doesn't get that then there is something very wrong!

Teaching your sisters, giving your mum a break and supporting him emotionally. You can do all these things from your parents house

I think that people in a relationship but who don’t live together are in the most difficult situation of all wedforloss. The options have been to move in together, possibly changing the pace of how the relationship was developing, or to stay apart. I really think all this talk of ‘social bubbles’ is to prepare us for a slight easing of lock down on Sunday (or giving us a date for when things will change). Your boyfriend has extra time on his hands and is missing you. You are busier because you are teaching your sisters. This probably isn’t the best time to make big decisions. With luck, things will get easier soon and you can go back to your usual arrangement, which sounds as if it was working well for you both. That way, you both get to choose a time to move in together.

I think you’d regret leaving your sisters to move into your partner’s parents home.
You’d lose a lot in terms of home comforts, familial relationships, current freedoms and familiarity.
You’d have to abide by your partner’s parents rules, you wouldn’t feel comfortable in the bathroom or walking around in PJs , eating when you want and you’d feel like a guest.
This isn’t sustainable.
A number of posters have mentioned that ‘shagging’ might be your partner’s main concern.
Sad though that assumption is, how would you feel about ‘shagging’ in your partner’s parents’ home?
I’d stick with what currently pleases you now, in this current climate.
If your partner doesn’t like it, that’s his problem and if he suggests that you’re not that interested in him then it’s his loss . If he thinks it’s a deal breaker then break the deal.

YANBU! I definitely wouldn’t want to move into a boyfriends parents house while on lockdown- no way! (Would they even want you there!) plus if he’s lost his job, then there’s no definite moving out to your own place. It just looks rude if you say ‘I’ve had enough and am moving out’.

This set of circumstances sounds very familiar, have you posted about him before under a different name?
If that was you then seriously consider this relationship as you seem to have had a few problems with him dismissing your wants, needs and feelings.

@OhamIreally first post is excellent OP. You stick to your guns, you sound terrific. He’s bored and horny and that’s not really your problem to fix. He’ll have to have a wank, then settle down to job hunting, or doing some CPD ready for job hunting.

I'd prioritise my little sisters (and indirectly my parents) over my boyfriend, absolutely, and I would reconsider wanting to live with a partner who took the huff over it. I'd always recommend prioritising the maintenance of a good family relationship over a romantic one, in all honesty. He sounds stressed and sad; it's a shame, but not your responsibility to fix.

If you move in with his parents you'll be in permanent guest mode always having to think of them first as it's their house. They'll also probably view you like they view their son eg parent child interactions not adult adult ones. Do they want you in their house? I wouldn't want a long term lodger when they have a perfectly good house they can stay in.
It sounds an awful idea and I agree he sounds bored and horny

Stay where you are. What a lovely sister you sound! Enjoy this time with your family.

OP, I’m in the exact same position as you. Me and bf both in our twenties, both live with parents as saving to buy a house. We briefly entertained the idea of me moving in with his family for lockdown (it wouldn’t be practical for him to move in here), but I decided not to for the reasons you’ve said - the house wouldn’t be my own, lack of personal space, living under someone’s else’s rules etc.

My bf completely understood and that was that. He should respect your decision.

@dontdisturbmenow My comments is that there seems to be very little sympathy to the fact that he is disappointed as clearly missing you enough to overcome the issues you don't want to do you can be together.

What issues is the boyfriend overcoming exactly by staying put in his parents' house and asking OP to move in with him.

There is a huge difference between moving in with your boyfriend or girlfriend to your first place together, and moving in with their parents to the family home with no clear outline of how it would work, never mind whether his family would be happy with that set up.
She is not choosing to stay with family over boyfriend, she is choosing to stay over 'boyfriend plus living with his family'. I'd have done the same.
When my sister had building work lasting a few months she moved to my parents and her husband to his, they visited each other and stayed in a hotel every few weeks but neither wanted to stay with their in laws for that amount of time. In the current climate if OP moves who knows how long for.

OP you're doing a good thing for your family. And enjoying it too so good for you. Maybe now your boyfriend can offer to help his own brother with school work or otherwise be a more active member of his own family while you wait for lockdown to ease and hopefully see each other again soon. You sound sensible and grounded, good qualities to have.

Another vite for staying exactly where you are for the very good reasons you have stated.

Why anyone would think moving into a boyfriend's family home would be a good idea is astonishing.

Nothing wrong with living at home if it works for you.

I'm also thinking he is bored and wants company...thats fine but perfectly reasonable for you not to be pushed.

@MrsTerryPratchett

Great post.

Words to live by....how someone reacts to the word NO, in a relationship, tells you buckets.

You're being absolutely ridiculous!
And that shows is that all you can see is your own perspective and care about your own feelings.

Yes there is a pandemic, which is why many couples have chosen to leave together sooner than they would otherwise fine because they live eachother, miss each otger and being together is more important than the comfort of being at home with mum and dad and siblings.

I personally couldn't care less about your relationship, I've tried to give you some perspective about how he might be feeling. You clearly only care about him respecting that you don't want to move with his family even though you really like them even if it means not being with him at Stine he really needs you and for however long it suits you. In the end, maybe he will be patient, or he'll decide that you're not who he thought you were. If he does, I could understand his position as it would be mine too. It doesn't make it right or wrong.

You've posted on MN to validate your position. MN posters will in 99% validate the position of the woman. If your boyfriend posted his views on male forum, 99% would most likely agree with him. The reality is both of you resolving your conflict between yourself to find a middle ground, not trying to prove that your feelings are justified, that his are not and that only going your way will do.

@dontdisturbmenow
No it does not show that all I see is my own perspective and quite frankly it is absolutely ridiculous that you feel I should move in with my boyfriend and his partners because that is what he wants and you understand why he would break up with me over it
I'd hate to be your partner if you'd break up with them because they wouldnt move in with you and your parents during a PANDEMIC!!
Yes some couples have moved in with each other but also many couples haven't.
I will not be replying to you anymore as your advice is very outdated.
And just to add - you're completely on your own with this view now as even my boyfriend understands why I wouldnt want to move in and was just feeling down 2 days ago. And no, he does not want to break up with me because I am 'staying in the comfort of mum and dad' (which this comfort is MY home).
And yes I am very happy in this 'comfort of mum and dad' at the moment. Boyfriend and I will move in together when we are not in a pandemic and losing jobs or on furlough. Not that it's any of your business when we move in together anyway.

Thank you everyone else. He rang yesterday and we had a long chat and he understood why i was staying put!

And one more thing
@dontdisturbmenow
Just because a couple haven't moved in together during this pandemic does not make them love or not want to commit to their partner any less than those who have moved in.