Fed up with doing everything

[fedupwithlazyfamily]

I can't see I'm BU here but my DC seem to think what I'm asking is beyond the pale, and I'm tired of shouting/ asking and being ignored and I need some kind of new strategy before I lose my mind.

2 young adult DC living at home. One finished education last year and was (prior to the current lockdown) looking for a job/ considering further study. Other is currently furloughed from their FT job. I'm working FT from home.

3 weeks ago they agreed to help with gardening. They did half a days work (maybe 5-10% of what needs doing). I ordered a skip for all the garden rubbish (as the refuse sites here are still closed); anything that's in it has been put in by me. Skip is therefore less than half full and it's being collected in a week.

They've done nothing else. Are chatting to friends online, or snapchatting or tiktoking or on Discord or whatever all the time. Asleep until 1-2pm, or even later every day.

I do all housework, laundry, food shopping etc. If I don't cook they make their own meals but would never cook for all of us.

I'm pretty sad at the moment, my long term relationship ended just after lockdown started (one of our regular disagreements was about how much my DC did, or didn't do round the house, although my Ex himself didn't do much other than cooking). I haven't got the energy to keep fighting them on this...I've tried that, shouting and saying how cross I am, doesn't work. I've tried explaining calmly how fed up I am. Doesn't work.

They always say they will do something tomorrow, or next week, but they never do. It's mañana, mañana basically.

Currently 1 of them is actually doing something helpful (putting a small item of furniture together) but I did originally ask for this to be done 3 weeks ago. The other one is still in bed.

Any ideas? Other than switching off the internet which won't really help as they will just tether to their mobiles. And still won't actually get anything done.

Oh, and to add - youngest doesn't have a job so pays nothing, eldest is saving money into Help to Buy ISA so pays nothing because of that.

So they both live here for free, effectively.

I’ve been a single parent for a long time and my DC are adults and currently both here under lockdown. What massively changed things for me was that a few years ago I went abroad alone for 3 months and I realised how I loved only having to take care of me! Of course while I was away DC were responsible for themselves/the house. Once I got back I decided I was only going to be shopping/cooking for me (we often eat different things anyway) doing my own laundry etc. It’s worked well for us. DC will help me with things if I ask them to and I think that’s because I don’t have to be on their backs about other every day things, if you see what I mean?

Do your own laundry, cook your own meals. Treat them like housemates not children. I'd go as far as putting a lock on the cupboards/fridge so they cant use your food and have to actually fend for themselves. Sounds like they need some tough love.

Don't do their laundry...obviously.

Cook for yourself

Leave them to it

take phones away take internet away they are there to HELP you no shouting no rows silence and pointing get it done or ……..

sleeping until 1pm - loud and sustained hoovering outside bedroom door

You need to put on loud music when you do the housework in the mornings. How about Spice Girls?

I think you need to be crystal clear (to the point that you may need to write an email).

You are not their servant and cash machine. Be really really exact about the tasks you want them to undertake daily/weekly and when they are to get done. Write it down - ideally with their involvement.

Explain that if it doesn’t get done you will withdraw the WiFi. If no improvement you will stop providing meals. If no improvement after that you will ask for rent. If no rent/improvement they will he asked to leave.

Prepare for the conversation well. Then make the conversation short and without emotion.

Cooking and laundry is a small part of it though , stopping that won't suddenly give me time to do everything and it won't make much difference to them (I only cook 3-4 times a week, they make their own meals the rest of the time). they're not going anywhere so they're wearing the same clothes for several days at a time. Laundry at the moment is not much of a problem, it's just part of the bigger picture.

I still have to load and unload dishwasher, do other washing up, clean the kitchen, and indeed every other room in the house on a daily/ weekly basis. Which I'll do, I just want them to do one thing (the garden) which I don't have time to do, while they're sat around doing nothing.

Why on Earth is the one working not paying? That needs to change, they can do their own shopping, cooking, laundry. Yes, I would be petty and lock up everything. Where are the heating/hot water controls? Cos I’d be turning those off too.

I am on business calls every morning from 8-12. I could conduct the call in their rooms, and they'd sleep through it. Or wake up and just go back to sleep. They could sleep through almost any amount of noise.

3 weeks ago I did write them a step by step list of what needed doing in the garden. nothing on the list has been done so far. I'll email it to them again.

Who pays for their phone bills?

Make a list of every job and chore.

Sit them down and divvy it up just like adults in a house share.

Tell them if they don’t do the garden and whatever basic chores / sharing the load you want them to do, then they have to pay rent.

The one who is saving obviously can and the other can pay from JSA or UC or whatever they are getting.

Eldest is not paying because of putting max amount into help to buy account.

Our heating is off now anyway, and I think turning off the hot water would inconvenience me more than them.

Yeah but he/ she doesn’t have to be allowed to save the money, does he/she?

If you’re not getting the payment by means of gardening you can charge rent and it will take longer for them to save!

I think if they won't even put their plates in the dishwasher/ sink I will struggle to get them to pay rent. I feel like that would come across as an empty threat, especially as they know I can't/ wouldn't kick them out :(

Every bit of rubbish or dirty pots gets thrown on their bed whether they in it or not. Stop cooking for them entirely. Dont so much as Hoover their rooms or clean their clothes. Dont buy food specifically for them. They're adults. They need to act like it.

You've been given lots of really useful and sensible suggestions but everytime you are coming back with a reason/excuse as to why that won't work.

I dont mean to be blunt but unless you are willing to do something about it, it will continue.

I agree that they have to make weekly contributions in lieu of rent. Call a meeting. Set tasks. Set a date for review a week later. Be clear that if these tasks aren’t done you will charge so much in rent. You should be managing the households tasks as three adults, not a mum and two kids.

You poor thing - that is so hard. Tell the eldest they need to start doing their list of jobs otherwise they need to pay rent. They can't have it both ways free rent and not contributing. You probably need to have a family meeting with them and outline what needs to be don't and what you expect of them. Reduce the food options which are available - only buy the things you like and enough for yourself. Hope they sort the garden for you.

Who pays for their phones? What money do you give them? Stop doing all that. I’m sorry you have such horrible children who can’t shift themselves to help their own mother. They should be ashamed of themselves.

Do they post #bekind crap on social media? You could try and shame them publicly?

And yes I would put a lock on every cupboard, oven, fridge, dishwasher, washing machine and bathroom door and unlock them only for your own use.

YANBU. They are adults and you should expect them to behave like adults. Stop paying for any extras like mobile phones (and so tethering can't happen). Change the WiFi password anyway so only you know it. Charge for an amount of rent even if it's a relatively small double digit number. I'm assuming the eldest has a help to buy ISA like me in which case only £200 can be put in monthly? She doesn't have to put in £200 monthly, it can be a smaller number. Don't complete any housework for them.

I have done a rota for my children - has cooking and dog walking on it. Everyone (aged 15 up) cooks at least once a week. Everyone dog walks several times a week. They all provide input into what they are cooking, and this week, they did the shopping too! we all clean together on a Saturday morning - I allocate the tasks. This includes changing the beds.

I also have rules about what time they can get food from the kitchen (and in theory about where they can eat it). They generally clear up after lunch (I've disappeared upstairs to work by then) and we have a system for clearing up after dinner.

Washing - they are all given days which are their days for washing, otherwise they miss them. They have to bring their washing down and put it in.

There are no complaints at all! They have been fantastic and it's one of the massive positives of this horrible situation. we have a lovely long dinner together every night and we sit round the table chatting. It helps massively that I don't cook more than twice a week.

I realise writing this down that it seems like a dictatorship, but it works really well! I am a single parent, working full time, and having to home educate the 2 youngest kids too, and simply do not have the energy or time to do all the housework and cooking . I always have the early morning tasks as I do get up early and not many of the kids do appear before 10.

What about rotas and rules OP.

And yes, you can threaten that they can't stay there. I do say to my kids My House My Rules. And they know I mean it.

I've emailed them the list of garden tasks which they already have and suggested we discuss it later.

Some of the other stuff I can't do (turn off heating that's already off, hoover to wake them up because I'm on work calls); I can ask them for rent but I'm trying to work out what my follow up is if they agree to pay and then no money appears, or if they just won't agree to pay.
And of course I don't really want the money I want them to make an effort for the home they live in.

You have to be prepared to kick them out. They have you backed into a corner because they know you won't do it.