Fed up with doing everything

[fedupwithlazyfamily]

I can't see I'm BU here but my DC seem to think what I'm asking is beyond the pale, and I'm tired of shouting/ asking and being ignored and I need some kind of new strategy before I lose my mind.

2 young adult DC living at home. One finished education last year and was (prior to the current lockdown) looking for a job/ considering further study. Other is currently furloughed from their FT job. I'm working FT from home.

3 weeks ago they agreed to help with gardening. They did half a days work (maybe 5-10% of what needs doing). I ordered a skip for all the garden rubbish (as the refuse sites here are still closed); anything that's in it has been put in by me. Skip is therefore less than half full and it's being collected in a week.

They've done nothing else. Are chatting to friends online, or snapchatting or tiktoking or on Discord or whatever all the time. Asleep until 1-2pm, or even later every day.

I do all housework, laundry, food shopping etc. If I don't cook they make their own meals but would never cook for all of us.

I'm pretty sad at the moment, my long term relationship ended just after lockdown started (one of our regular disagreements was about how much my DC did, or didn't do round the house, although my Ex himself didn't do much other than cooking). I haven't got the energy to keep fighting them on this...I've tried that, shouting and saying how cross I am, doesn't work. I've tried explaining calmly how fed up I am. Doesn't work.

They always say they will do something tomorrow, or next week, but they never do. It's mañana, mañana basically.

Currently 1 of them is actually doing something helpful (putting a small item of furniture together) but I did originally ask for this to be done 3 weeks ago. The other one is still in bed.

Any ideas? Other than switching off the internet which won't really help as they will just tether to their mobiles. And still won't actually get anything done.

In the nicest possible way OP - why should they change? They have a cushy number going on. Rent-free accommodation, someone to clean up after them and provide their meals.

I would charge a flat rate of rent for all children, but set it so that even the one who isn't working can pay. Then, if they want more disposable income, they can go out and get a job to achieve that.

They also need to contribute to housework. If they won't stick to a basic rota then I would (when things are back to normal) give them notice to leave and tell them to find somewhere else to live.

I moved back home in my twenties after a relationship breakdown. I paid rent (this also paid for my food and share of the bills), paid for my phone, car and driving lessons, and contributed to the housework. Anything less and I would have expected my parents to tell me to move out.

Grown adults (SN aside) living at home need to contribute to the basic running of that home. If they can't do that, they're free to find somewhere else to live.

Stop being so soft.

Honestly my 11 is better than that - my 6 yo is better than they are at taking part!

Ednclouda - you can't take phones off adults. That's stealing.
Some of the other options suggested I agree would also his you more than them, such as cutting off the hot water.

Also There's no point in changing the wifi password if your router is like most modern ones and you can just reconnect by pressing the home button.

In all other respects I agree with the posters who said you are just making excuses as to why you can't take any action.

The oldest has to put in the max to their help to buy? Well as the pp pointed out they don't HAVE to and if they did that's only 200 permonth so unless they are only earning £2400 a year in their full time job, which is about 14 grand under minimum wage, they can also still manage to pay you.

So what if they tether their phones? They will soon burn through a lot of data and the unemployed one will struggle to pay for that.

Stop buying food that they like. Just buy enough food for yourself everyday. I assume they don't have cars? They will have to go to the shop to buy food themselves then. Take out all pots and pans and leave them one plate each so if they want to eat a second meal they have yo wash up after the first. Buy a lock and put all the confiscated stuff either in your room or in your car.

These are really ridiculous, extreme suggestions....but you are in a ridiculous situation . Your own children are treating you with such disrespect. Do you want to be reposting this in ten years time? Because with the easy ride they are having at the moment, why would they ever leave?

you can't take phones off adults. That's stealing.

Depends who's paying the bill.

I'm just sick of everything being so bloody hard all the time. I don't have any close friends really, only my now ex partner, so I've not spoken to a single person (other than on work calls) since this started. If I'm lucky I get 5 mins conversation from the DC a day, though mostly it's less than that.

I'm just sick of everything being so bloody hard all the time.

You're making it hard for yourself because you're letting them take you for a mug. Stand up for yourself. If that means they have to go and live in a shared house somewhere, then tough shit.

They’re clearly taking the piss out of you but you are enabling it. You need to make life more difficult for them really, insist they do the jobs until they get sick of hearing it and be really irritating- switch the TV off if they’re sitting watching it and tell them to get on with their jobs. Stop doing the things they should be doing for them too, they’re adults not babies. They do their own washing and cooking, you’re not their servant.

Wait, one finished education last year????? They have been "considering" a job/further studying since last academic year 2019????

I think it's time you put your foot down, and big time.

I would draw up a bill and present it to them both, 'the skip costs X to hire, it's getting collected on X, the additional fee for a gardener is X, the additional fee for a new skip is X.' This is the amount the two of you will be paying me. I need payment by X. Obviously if either of you decide to do the work vs paying £XX, then I will deduct that from your share.... Then let them fight it out with each other.

This is mostly your own fault, stop enabling your adult children. Stop asking them to help with the garden, do it yourself. Stop doing their laundry, say nothing, just don’t do it for them. Stop buying food for them, say nothing and just buy your own food, even if it means going to that shop every day. If they won’t put dishes in dishwasher, box up all Delphi and cutlery except for a set for yourself and out in the attic or lock in your bedroom. Put a lock on the living room door and don’t let them in. Keep a of towels for yourself and lock the rest away, even if it’s in the boot of your car.

If they ask what is going on, say you’re no longer prepared to do everything in the house and they’ve four weeks after lockdown ends to move out.

I'm sick of being on my own, fighting to do everything. And yes, obviously it's my fault for being too soft, or whatever, but they literally are all I have which is why I haven't been stricter. Plus it's bloody hard doing it all on your own, their dad has never been much involved so everything has fallen just to me. Most single parents I know have their own parents or brothers/ sisters to share the load, I didn't. So now I've made a rod for my own back I guess.

I think re: cooking and food shopping, I literally would be doingas they do in student houses and assigning you all a cupboard each in which to put your own pots/pans and food, with locks on. Don't buy any communal food at all, including snacks. They can buy their own, cook their own, wash up their own. Not sure how you'd be best to sort stuff in the fridge.

Sounds miserable if they only talk to you for a few mins all day. Presumably that's to say stuff like "what's for dinner?/Thanks/I don't want any broccoli, ta"

I couldn't live like that. It's rubbing your unhappiness in your face.

Oh, and all bills split into 3. Work it out, tell them what they owe.

They can't afford to move out, but they are freeloading, perhaps you could move to a barter system?
They don't get to use rooms they don't clean.
If they say they'll clean it later or afterwards they are wrong. They clean it first. And then again afterwards.
Their bedroom doors stay shut, and all their stuff stays on their side.
They don't use equipment they don't contribute to.
Fridge, cooker, washing machine. TV. etc. Basic charge per item per week.
Confiscate belongings in lieu of money. They can "earn" use of household items by doing jobs above their own basic maintenance if they have no cash but these jobs are done before things can be used. They can barter with you for shopping etc.
But nothing is free. It isn't for you, so why should it be for them?
You have this the wrong way round. You hold all the cards here.

@fedupwithlazyfamily Most single parents I know have their own parents or brothers/ sisters to share the load, I didn't.

Not sure this is true, OP. At least, not if the load you're talking about is the stuff you've mentioned in this thread. That's just normal housework. I don't know any single parents who have their parents or siblings come round and do their housework for them.

Or do you mean the parenting load? As in telling the lazy kids to get their act together?

I am going to be honest here. I was exactly like this as a young adult. I remember my mum moaning at me to take the bins out occasionally (I never did) or help with the gardening (I would do literally the bare minimum) etc. I knew she was annoyed with me but I just didn’t really appreciate it was part of my job to do it as well - I saw it as her house and she was the adult and I was the child (even when I wasn’t a child anymore). I did however pay rent and I think in some ways this actually meant I did even less as I saw mum benefitting from me working..! Obviously as a nearly 40 year old now I’m quite embarrassed by this. The point of me saying this is that it wasn’t until I finally lived on my own that I learnt to do these things. I realised the bin and housework fairy didn’t exist and unless I cleaned the kitchen myself etc it wouldn’t get done. Oddly enough I’m now one of the most house proud people ever More so than my mum ever was (she died last year and I’m sure if she could see my house now she’d be amazed!) I think you really need to spell it out to them, go on strike, charge money from them to hire a gardener etc etc. Tough love is really needed here.

They're adults. You only have to look after yourself...you give them a roof and a room..that's more than enough. They're responsible for all their food and laundry. If they leave their stuff anywhere that's not their room, you stick it in the bin.

OP, do you want advice or are you just wanting to vent?

People have suggested loads of things and you seem to just think none of them will work so what's the point.

While you allow them to live at home rent-free like this, they won't change. Why would they? They have a great situation.

I don't mean housework in terms of having help (although I do know a couple of people whose parents used to come and clean or garden for them) I guess I mean more of the emotional load, someone to balance having to be 2 people ALL the time which is what I've had to do for as long as I can remember. I've never had any practical help or emotional support. When they were young it was always me, there was no one else. And I don't even have anyone to talk to because my relationship is over and friends are non existent. Literally the only people in my life are my DC who don't seem to have any respect for me.

OP I do get it. I also had no support. DC dad not around, no family or anything. That’s precisely why it took me going away for the penny to drop. For all of us. Obviously right now we’re in lock down and even without it, I’d imagine it’s impractical for you to just go off somewhere for weeks on end. I wouldn’t threaten to kick my DC out either, let alone actually do it. I just couldn’t be that sort of person and I don’t think you should threaten anything you wouldn’t follow through on. I also personally think that if you treat them like children (for example by turning off the WiFi) they will continue to act like children. I think it’s a difficult shift to handle, going from mother to more housemate. But I also think it does help to make living together more harmonious. I can’t tell you what the answer is, only what worked for me.

I have accepted advice, some of the stuff I cant do immediately but others I can. I'm trying to work out how I can implement some of the other measures suggested if the initial stuff doesnt work. im not sure how that is me not taking advice when its the opposite.

I don’t think you are ever going to get the support from them you want - they’re never going to share the mental load in the way you want because they see you as Mum and they’re the kids. They’re looking to you to lead all the time. Sad but true. When they live on their own they’ll appreciate what you do / have done more.

Bagelsandbrie good post.

OP, what stands out for me is that you’re not helping them in the longer term. Nobody wants to share a house or a relationship with (or give a job to) someone who won’t pull their weight.

It’s a shame you feel alone but really, they’re not helping you feel better, are they? I know it’s harsh, but they’re your children, not your friends. And you said they were part of the reason your last relationship failed?

You need to pull your socks up and get some self respect. You’re behaving like an absolute doormat and making everyone’s lives less happy.

Stand up for yourself, it’s time for some boundaries and tough love here. Don’t be ruled by fear.

i don't want the support from them, i just want them to have enough respect for me to do what I ask and not just fob me off. I feel like if id had more support, if I hadn't had to be 2, or actually more like about 8 or 10 people in their lives for years everything might have worked out a bit better.

Yes, but they're only mugging you off because you're letting them. It's nothing to do with who else does/doesn't have support. You have 2 adults living in your home that you're paying for. If it was a lodger you wouldn't be fannying about making excuses. Tell them they either do the garden or they both pay you £500/400 each on their respective paydays. The younger one won't have all of it so it'll mean they have zero money for 2mth, and the older will have to forefit any nice 'extras' they get. Pick your battles! Once they know you're not messing around and you expect them to pay their way negotiate board after that.