Fed up with doing everything

[fedupwithlazyfamily]

I can't see I'm BU here but my DC seem to think what I'm asking is beyond the pale, and I'm tired of shouting/ asking and being ignored and I need some kind of new strategy before I lose my mind.

2 young adult DC living at home. One finished education last year and was (prior to the current lockdown) looking for a job/ considering further study. Other is currently furloughed from their FT job. I'm working FT from home.

3 weeks ago they agreed to help with gardening. They did half a days work (maybe 5-10% of what needs doing). I ordered a skip for all the garden rubbish (as the refuse sites here are still closed); anything that's in it has been put in by me. Skip is therefore less than half full and it's being collected in a week.

They've done nothing else. Are chatting to friends online, or snapchatting or tiktoking or on Discord or whatever all the time. Asleep until 1-2pm, or even later every day.

I do all housework, laundry, food shopping etc. If I don't cook they make their own meals but would never cook for all of us.

I'm pretty sad at the moment, my long term relationship ended just after lockdown started (one of our regular disagreements was about how much my DC did, or didn't do round the house, although my Ex himself didn't do much other than cooking). I haven't got the energy to keep fighting them on this...I've tried that, shouting and saying how cross I am, doesn't work. I've tried explaining calmly how fed up I am. Doesn't work.

They always say they will do something tomorrow, or next week, but they never do. It's mañana, mañana basically.

Currently 1 of them is actually doing something helpful (putting a small item of furniture together) but I did originally ask for this to be done 3 weeks ago. The other one is still in bed.

Any ideas? Other than switching off the internet which won't really help as they will just tether to their mobiles. And still won't actually get anything done.

That’s progress but minor progress op. You do need to take the dirty something and leave it and I will pick it up and dump it on your bed approach. Not my mess, not my problem. Order takeaway for one, etc. Consider cupboard locks if they aren’t steadily improving.
My bf did that to spoilt sister once many years ago when they were both still at home with parents who were away. Took all the dishes and dropped them on her bed. She hit the roof. Well, you said you’d wash them and they were in the way clogging up the kitchen 🤷‍♀️ it’s quite an effective message.

You are far too soft. No wonder they walk all over you. Stop making excuses for them.

Switch of the internet after you've used it. Cut of the plugs on their TVs if you've paid for it. Wash up your own plates, and leave the rest to them. Throw their dirty plate on their beds or leave in their rooms. Don't buy food for them. Never cook or do their laundry. Do nothing. Keep to your own room and leave them to wallow in their filth.

For fucks sake grow a backbone and stop being their doormat. Frankly you deserve to lose every relationship if you let entitled adults (ADULTS FFS) walk all over you like this.

I think calling me a doormat and saying I deserve to lose my relationship is going a bit far. I've done my best for them, with no other adult in my life for most of their childhood I've never had anyone to support me or to discus anything with, I've had to make every decision entirely alone and therefore it's not surprising I've got things wrong. Most people have others around them for support, I don't.

5 hours work completed in garden. It's looking much better. Now thinking about the daily chore list and how we can divide that equally.

I think you've made great progress and I'm glad that your garden is getting sorted! Who hadn't made parenting mistakes?

Well done!! Sometimes it's all too easy for everyone to fall into habits like this so fair play for taking action and following up.

Most people have others around them for support, I don't

You can't possibly know that's true I'm afraid, you seem a bit fixated on this.

Please dont chop off their TV plugs or throw dirty plates on their beds

You will end up with them thinking this type of behaviour is acceptable.
Its not , you will look deranged .
OP in all honesty it looks like you have tried to compensate for the lack of others in their lives by going overboard with lack of boundaries and rules and its biting you on the bum.
You cant compensate for this and be "everyone"
Give them consequences, fair ones.
They behave like adults, clean up their crap, dishes, do their own shopping /laundry or find somewhere else to live.
Sounds like things are improving

In all the single parent families I know (not many because the vast majority round here and at work are married, and have massive extended families), they have various combinations of parents/ grandparents and other relatives, or siblings and their families or huge networks of friends, highly involved ex's or all the above. I'm sure I'm not the only person who has absolutely no one else other than their children but I don't know one other person in my position. So I think saying that MOST (not all, just most) people have others round them is a perfectly sensible conclusion based on my experience. And it's a lot easier to make no mistakes when you've had loads of help and advice. I never had anyone to show me how to parent. So yes I've made mistakes but I've done my best given the circumstances. I'm sure if my DC would have much better lives if they had other people beyond just me but sadly there's not much I can do about that. Don't think a day doesn't pass when I wish my life and their lives were different.

I'm pleased with what they've achieved today, they've worked hard. It shows they can, and they care. I'm hoping we have turned a corner.

Yes I absolutely have over indulged them. Not with time because I barely saw then when they were younger because of work, and not with material things because we didn't have the money, but in letting them not have any household responsibility. Which was fine when they were younger but has to stop now.

I don't want to cut off plugs and that kind of thing, I hate stuff like that, deliberately damaging things, it doesn't sit well with me. I'd rather try and find a respectful solution involving them doing more work and making a financial contribution.

It sounds like you've made a positive start op and I hope it continues. Drawing up a list sounds like a good idea. You might need to remind and pressure them a bit more to start with but hopefully it will settle into a routine quickly and become a way of life for you all.

I think you need to make a rota. Lots of people are saying to stop doing things for them, but you all live there and it's YOUR house. They are not paying rent so can pay by gardening, possibly 4 hours a week (bargain rent!). This is in ADDITION to chores because all grown ups need to do chores (and not just clean their immediate mess).

Treat them like feckless flatmates.

You also have another issue which is that you seem to be lonely and lacking in self esteem - I hope it's okay to say that. Is there something you can do about that? You can't really go out and meet people at the moment, but can you make a plan? How you're going to meet people - is there a hobby you'd like to try? or an activity or club? What can you do to help with your self esteem? I'd recommend Paul McKenna's Change Your Life in 7 Days, or mindfulness.

Hi op yes they should all pitch in. I find teens can be lazy. We got skip bag last week bit easier we all helping. But mine can vanish when things to be done! She off school here she can do few things.!

You will end up with them thinking this type of behaviour is acceptable

And it's acceptable to laze around in bed all day contributing nothing while watching their mother working herself into the ground? That's acceptable is it? For months on end? Having so little care for their mother and letting her do all this while showing no gratitude is just awful to read.

I'm furious on behalf of the OP that her adult children should behave like this. The disrespect is monumental and downplaying and minimising this is doing no one any favours, least of all their future partners and their poor mother.

OP I sincerely hope they have turned a corner but I doubt it will last. You only treat adults like adults, when they behave like one. Sometimes a meltdown on the part of a parent is the only thing they will respond to, after all, you've tried reasonable for a long time, with minimal results.

And it's acceptable to laze around in bed all day contributingnothingwhile watching their mother working herself into the ground? That's acceptable is it? For months on end? Having so little care for their mother and letting her do all this while showing no gratitude is just awful to read.

Nope absolutely not.
But behaving in an abusive and childish way is not the answer.
Its reactive ,they will only focus on her behaviour not their own, be proactive and firm that you want them to change their behaviour.
Dont stoop low and behave appallingly in return.

Very, very well done OP. And now you need to carry on doing this, don't waver, don't lose your rag, stay firm. Calm but unbending. I can't imagine how tough you've been finding this, but there's a glimmer of light ahead now. This is the way to love them.