Fed up with doing everything

[fedupwithlazyfamily]

I can't see I'm BU here but my DC seem to think what I'm asking is beyond the pale, and I'm tired of shouting/ asking and being ignored and I need some kind of new strategy before I lose my mind.

2 young adult DC living at home. One finished education last year and was (prior to the current lockdown) looking for a job/ considering further study. Other is currently furloughed from their FT job. I'm working FT from home.

3 weeks ago they agreed to help with gardening. They did half a days work (maybe 5-10% of what needs doing). I ordered a skip for all the garden rubbish (as the refuse sites here are still closed); anything that's in it has been put in by me. Skip is therefore less than half full and it's being collected in a week.

They've done nothing else. Are chatting to friends online, or snapchatting or tiktoking or on Discord or whatever all the time. Asleep until 1-2pm, or even later every day.

I do all housework, laundry, food shopping etc. If I don't cook they make their own meals but would never cook for all of us.

I'm pretty sad at the moment, my long term relationship ended just after lockdown started (one of our regular disagreements was about how much my DC did, or didn't do round the house, although my Ex himself didn't do much other than cooking). I haven't got the energy to keep fighting them on this...I've tried that, shouting and saying how cross I am, doesn't work. I've tried explaining calmly how fed up I am. Doesn't work.

They always say they will do something tomorrow, or next week, but they never do. It's mañana, mañana basically.

Currently 1 of them is actually doing something helpful (putting a small item of furniture together) but I did originally ask for this to be done 3 weeks ago. The other one is still in bed.

Any ideas? Other than switching off the internet which won't really help as they will just tether to their mobiles. And still won't actually get anything done.

I guess I mean more of the emotional load, someone to balance having to be 2 people ALL the time which is what I've had to do for as long as I can remember. I've never had any practical help or emotional support

Actually I think it sounds like you want a partner regardless of your kids. They're adults now... theoretically you have no obligation to provide them with anything. You can absolve yourself of all household chores related to you children.

As for emotional support, that is required by childless people and parents alike. Your children are irrelevant really.. I think you want a partner.

Forgive me if I'm wrong.

they weren't part of the reason my relationship failed, but my ex and I did have disagreements over their contribution to household tasks and my failure to ensure they did more.

I think that the maximum monthly amount you can put into the help to buy isa is £200 so I would think they could surely either contribute some money on top of that or help more around the house?

Sounds like a total nightmare. Lonely and infuriating.

So who does pay their phone bills? Do you have any leverage over them that way? Or via the WiFi password?

The most you can put into a help to buy account is £200 a month so if eldest DC has a full time job surely they are earning more than that? I would start charging your DC and use their money to pay for a cleaner. If you pay towards anything for either DC (eg: phone contract) stop doing that. Turn off wifi as that will restrict what they can do as most phone contracts don’t have as much data as wifi. I would also stop cooking all meals and doing laundry and insist that they at least do their own washing up - if they don’t dump the dirty dishes into their beds so that they remember! If the only consequence to them not doing what you ask is you nagging but then doing it yourself it’s no wonder they ignore you - take away any privileges you can, even if it seems petty and make it so that they have to complete the jobs you ask to earn them back.

YABU because you allow them to get away with it. Dont do a damn thing for them, no laundry, shopping, cooking etc. Until you treat them like the grown adults they are, they will take the mick out of you. Stop being Mummy, they are not children, be the landlady, set the rules and stick to them.

Just stop doing stuff. Simple. And why are you letting them freeload. Not doing them any favours.

Eldest is on furlough, has a car to pay for as well, thats about £350-400 a month. And phone contract (not sure how much that is).

Youngest has no income at present, his dad pays for his phone.

so in terms of asking for money only one of them currently has means to pay (and that's assuming their job is still there when furlough ends). The help to buy thing isn't a reason to not be able to afford paying, it was why i'd previously said well if you're paying into that, you don't need to pay me (as I did previously get some money for board - about £150 as month) but the ISA contribution was more. I was putting the money aside anyway so it just seemed like a different way of saving but I suppose thats not the message it conveys.

Stop all washing, ironing and cooking their meals, do everything just for yourself.

When they get hungry and run out of clean clothes, they may just extract their fingers from their arses and do something.

PCP of £350-400pmth? That'll be a pretty nice car then? And I'm assuming their phone will be top range too? Plus the £200 towards buying a home.... They've got it pretty sweet really if you're picking up the tab for everything else 🤔

Have you actually had a conversation with them about how tough things are, how they are now young adults not teeny tinies, and you would appreciate some help?

It isn't as if you are asking much and you aren't EVEN asking them to think for themselves about what jobs may need doing, you are really only asking them to take a few minutes to check a list and do a few jobs off it.

It is easy to think they are idle slackers, and they probably are, but if you HAVEN'T actually had a conversation with them, properly, about how things now are, then it isn't really surprising they've carried on blithely slacking off, sleeping, and using you like a hotel!

How about, instead of locking cupboards and cooking your own food etc, you tell them honestly that you feel let down and lonely in your own home with your own family. Suggest that you take it in turns to cook evening meal for everybody, that you sit down as family for that one meal a day. Work out the week's menus and do a rota for who will cook. Decide between the three of you how you'll clear up afterwards, but it gets decided once and everybody does it without fail. You are the only one still working, they must help. And give them a daily timetable for garden work. Every day when you finish your work, check to see if they've done that days task. If not then knock (and then hammer) on their door until they come out and get it done. I think you need you provide them with more focus, and less opportunity to put it off. So every day, they both know what is expected of them for that day. No excuses.

that's not just the car, thats insurance, tax etc, obviously its the lower end now because of not spending on fuel.

i have explained, Ive cried over how much i'm struggling to get things done at home, a few weeks ago I was trying to carry a large piece of furniture on my own and nearly fell down the stairs. I told them then how hard everything was and I needed them to do stuff and they were happy to agree to help then, but since have only done a tiny bit of what needs doing.

I would give the one that's earning notice to leave and send the other one to their dad's. Nothing else is working. They sound selfish and immature, i.e. like a perfectly normal late teen/early 20s.

Stop everything - laundry etc. Call them out every single time they leave dirty dishes out. You have to be really, really tough when they're that insensitive.

The good news is that it's likely they will grow out of it and be nice, respectful adults in a few years time.

Your kids are lazy, spoilt, heartless and selfish. No wonder your fella left, it must have been hard for him to have to watch them taking the utter piss out of you like this. Don't do a single thing for them from now on and tell them if they don't pull their socks up they can leave, and mean it.

Natural consequences here. You use a cup/plate etc and leave it on the side? No probs, here it is back in your room. You didn't help with the garden? That's ok I had to do it but didn't have time to also do the shopping so I shopped for one, there's pasta if you're hungry. Chip away and stick with it, you won't get complete success overnight it will take time but if you are consistent and calm the penny will drop. Yes I am having a takeaway etc because I've worked all day etc etc. They will probably be surprised/shocked at first but will soon 'get it' especially if you're calm (where possible!) And not shouty. You're literally going to have to teach them what's acceptable to you and what isn't by how you act. If you shout/rant and then literally hours later are sticking their stuff in the dishwasher you're teaching them that's the way your house works. Stick with it, it does work. I've done it with younger kids, basically had accidentally got them too used to me doing stuff for them (getting drinks, snacks etc), we fell into it until one day I had a light bulb moment-why was I running around after them while they sat and watched tv! Unfortunately the answer was me, it happens and it is fixable.

I think you have to take the hard line with them - if they don't help (and if necessary do write down a rota and rules), they will have to leave. And stick to it. Make sure they know you will chuck them out.

They are adults, they have to act like adults.

OP..you have loads of advice already here, are you planning on implementing any of them? Leaving them with 1 plate, shop for yourself etc. Anything that they leave a mess in the living room, take it up and throw it into their room, or leave it outside their door.

Are you planning on doing any of that?

You don't have to charge rent to get them to realise that their need to help and respect their mother more. If they tell you they will do x later and you say no, now. What happens? Does it get done? Does it not? Depending on this answer, you have a lazy problem or a respect problem.

Is your younger child claiming job-seekers allowance?

I also comment as a lone parent whose Dd moved in with a mate and their DP at 18 because apparently I 'stifled them, and had too many rules!'. They then moved back home 4mths later as the 'party house', they'd envisioned actually consisted of far more 'rules' and more board than living at home 😂. They now rent their own property which they love. I definately dont pop round to cook, clean, do their washing. 'Adulting' is hard when you're used to your mum doing it all...

rent out one of their rooms, they have to share one room if they don't contribute

Oh OP. It's no good going on and crying to them and then just carrying on as you're doing. You HAVE to change what YOU are doing. WHY did you try to move heavy furniture on your own? Why not just call them and keep calling them until they come to help you shift it? Like tacostuesday said, you have to keep repeating the thing you want doing like a broken record. Not angrily, just matter-of-fact. It is just like toddler training. When a 2 year old gets told they can't have a biscuit, but knows that if they keep on, then they'll eventually get the biscuit anyway, they'll keep on. Your two are keeping on. Stop giving them the flipping biscuits!

they weren't part of the reason my relationship failed

I’m sorry, when I read what I’d written it came across wrong - I was just picking up on what you put in the OP. Apologies.

They are adults OP time to treat them like adults.
All the "turn off the wifi, confiscate their phones" is treating them like children.
Tell them from today you cant continue to support them and so they will need to pay x amount to stay at your.
Food -they buy their own.
You shop, cook and clean for yiu and you only.
Tbh you sound very martyrish with all the crying and heaving stuff around, almost falling.
Why are you trying to be 8-10 people to them, its very odd behaviour and a set up to fail scenario.
They live your way which its perfectly reasonable or they move out .

I have taken on board all your comments. I felt like I needed to try one last time to treat them like adults. So last night we ate dinner together (normally they eat in their rooms) and I explained how I'm feeling. I didn't threaten to kick them out but I did say that I can't go on doing everything, something has to give. There is too much work in the house and garden for me to manage alone, and if they're not going to help me then i'll need them to pay me (so I can afford a cleaner and gardener) or we'll have to move to a smaller house (they have only ever lived here and would hate this).

So last night youngest did some small jobs indoors; this morning eldest was outside in the garden at 9am. We'll see how long it lasts but at the moment it feels like a little progress has been made at least.

We are also going to draw up a list of chores per day over dinner tonight to try and split the load more effectively.