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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

New man lied to me

117 replies

Magicra84 · 04/05/2020 11:55

I've been dating a man for around three months now. He said he had no ties at all including no children. I really, really like him but something was just going off in my head even though he gave me no cause to.

Anyway today I had a little snoop on what things he's tagged on via other people on Facebook as his profile is on restricted view and it turns out he has a two year old son. He had also told me he had been single for three years. So I confronted him and he was all apologetic saying he doesn't have contact with his son as the ex won't let him. When I asked if he had been to court for contact he said he didn't as the child would have forgotten about him by now and won't know who he is. Poor child 😕 It also turns out he's only been single for a year so why would he say 3 to me? I am really quite upset has not only who looks like a deadbeat father, he's a liar, but before I found out this he was in many ways my ideal man. I was starting to grow really fond of him, he's attentive, funny and works hard. I have told him it's over though. Aibu to run for the hills? Just feels really shitty. I've been treated appallingly by men over the past few years and thought I had found my mr right at last.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 04/05/2020 11:58

I think you've done the right thing in this case and I think he was saying whatever he thought would keep you in the picture. I'm sure his ex would give a different view...

However I'd also say that Mr Right doesn't really exist. You've got a right to expect basic honesty though.

DollyDoneMore · 04/05/2020 11:58

Well done.

growinggreyer · 04/05/2020 11:59

He's not a good guy. Lucky for you he is not leaving you with his next abandoned child. You have made the right decision.

PumpkinP · 04/05/2020 11:59

Oh god this happened to me! My ex lied about having a child (actually said he didn’t) the child was also 2, but this was years ago now. Said same line mum wouldn’t let him see the child, foolishly I believed him but I was young and naive in my defence, anyway now we have children that funnily enough he doesn’t see! And he doesn’t tell anyone about them either (he admitted it) seriously run for the hills! I wish I hadn’t been so stupid.

minettechatouette · 04/05/2020 12:00

You have done the right thing. He sounds awful and frankly to have no contact with his son he probably has done something awful to his ex.

PumpkinP · 04/05/2020 12:00

And just to add he makes out like I stop him but he doesn’t actually want to see them but of course to justify that he makes out like it’s me. I’ve never stopped him.

Abcduck · 04/05/2020 12:04

You dodged a bullet. I could understand the lying part when starting a casual thing about a painful or irrelevant thing or something a person needs to get to know you to disclose but his attitude to his son: no point applying to court, ex wont let me is what i would not be able to get over.

For a person to be a liar it needs to be consistent and even over unnecessary things. A good reason to hide one lie is not a big deal because who doesnt or haant ever lied?

Yabu to focus on the fact he lied about one thing rather than what a useless shit dad he is.

FlaskMaster · 04/05/2020 12:05

Everyone looks like the perfect man at 3 months! He's a shit.

Abcduck · 04/05/2020 12:06

Im sorry i reread and saw he lied to you about how long hes been single for.

StatementKnickers · 04/05/2020 12:06

You have 100% done the right thing. Don't look back.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 04/05/2020 12:07

Even if you could get over the lie...Never date a man who’s a shitty father!

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 04/05/2020 12:08

He’s not single at all I would guess. Still in a relationship.

jimmyjammy001 · 04/05/2020 12:08

You have exposed the person who he really is, he has been very nice to begin with probably just like he was with his ex with the child to begin with but then true colours comes out and is now a dead beat father as you say and needs to lie to future partners.

Sickandscared · 04/05/2020 12:08

Good god. Run. Run fast.

ravenmum · 04/05/2020 12:10

Any evidence that he's not living at home with his wife and child(ren)? Did you meet him IRL?

dworky · 04/05/2020 12:12

For the hills and don't look back.

peoplewhoannoyyou · 04/05/2020 12:12

Get the fuck out of there!

Magicra84 · 04/05/2020 12:13

Thank you for your replies. He's still trying to turn on the charm by text now. I was really starting to fall for him. His good looks, his great sense of humour, his good job, his personality. Everything. This is shit but worse for the poor little lad. I think the mother doesn't let him see the lad genuinely (she has five kids to five fathers and let's none of them see the kids). It's a small town so people know each other and a close friend of hers who I know has confirmed that she doesn't let the father's see the kids, but in their situation wouldn't you go to court and fight tooth and nail for contact?

@PumpkinP I'm sorry he's such a poor excuse for a father 😕 I'm sure you do an amazing job bringing your kids up without him xx

OP posts:
Isawamagpie · 04/05/2020 12:13

run run run and run some more.
Thats not just a little white lie. Thats rewriting history to suit himself. Honesty from the outset or nothing at all.

twoshedsjackson · 04/05/2020 12:14

Count your blessings that he wasn't a practised enough liar to maintain the façade before you became more enmeshed. "Something going off in my head"? You've got good spidey senses - well done for not ignoring them!

Magicra84 · 04/05/2020 12:23

When I first asked him about the child he said it was his exes not his! Denying his own son.

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Magicra84 · 04/05/2020 12:28

@twoshedsjackson thanks! In the past when exes have been up to no good, even without any cause at all to, alarm bells begin to ring in my head. With this one I just felt like something was seriously amiss despite him giving me no reason to feel that way. Women's intuition!

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Serendipity79 · 04/05/2020 12:30

Someone who will lie about having a child and will rewrite their history with their ex is someone to avoid. Irrespective of whether she allows contact or not, separated parents can apply to court to have contact arrangements put in place. I'd say he's showing you who he is and you're best off without him. Don't fall for the superficial charm

Magicra84 · 04/05/2020 12:40

It's the thing that not only he lied but he also wont go to court to get access and if he lies about this if it goes further between us, what else will he lie about?

OP posts:
SunShine682 · 04/05/2020 12:41

Run and block him.

He’s a shit dad so if you had any he will also be a shit dad.
He’s a liar as well...

At only 3 months in, fuck that.

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