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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New man lied to me

117 replies

Magicra84 · 04/05/2020 11:55

I've been dating a man for around three months now. He said he had no ties at all including no children. I really, really like him but something was just going off in my head even though he gave me no cause to.

Anyway today I had a little snoop on what things he's tagged on via other people on Facebook as his profile is on restricted view and it turns out he has a two year old son. He had also told me he had been single for three years. So I confronted him and he was all apologetic saying he doesn't have contact with his son as the ex won't let him. When I asked if he had been to court for contact he said he didn't as the child would have forgotten about him by now and won't know who he is. Poor child 😕 It also turns out he's only been single for a year so why would he say 3 to me? I am really quite upset has not only who looks like a deadbeat father, he's a liar, but before I found out this he was in many ways my ideal man. I was starting to grow really fond of him, he's attentive, funny and works hard. I have told him it's over though. Aibu to run for the hills? Just feels really shitty. I've been treated appallingly by men over the past few years and thought I had found my mr right at last.

OP posts:
NotMyNigel · 04/05/2020 15:31

You need to block him so you don’t have to listen to any more of his lies.

TorkTorkBam · 04/05/2020 15:31

He thinks it is OK to lie to you if the truth would make him look bad. That's his defence? Jeez. What a wanker.

Why are you reading his texts? He has literally told you he will say ANYTHING to keep your legs open. Block!

Given he had an unwanted child I assume he was super careful about using condoms while with you?

Lostvoiced · 04/05/2020 15:40

He's a liar and a deadbeat dad, you're better off. Take some time to spend with just yourself doing things that make you happy.
If he didn't want to be dumped for lying, he shouldn't have lied.
He's going to try and get back into your good books, don't let him.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/05/2020 15:44

You need to block him completely out of your life, immediately. He's nothing more than a liar.

lyralalala · 04/05/2020 15:52

It's a small town so people know each other and a close friend of hers who I know has confirmed that she doesn't let the father's see the kids, but in their situation wouldn't you go to court and fight tooth and nail for contact?

Exactly

Plus if for some reason you don't have contact for your child - I know someone for example whose other parent took their child abroad and they've genuinely run out of money/credit to keep searching - you don't just erase them from your life.

Not only did he lie to you, but he's a person who has either never once thought of his child in relation to any conversation you've had or he's been carefully thinking through every sentence he's ever said to you to cover up his lie. Neither of those make him the ideal man.

Original poster
Magicra84 · 04/05/2020 15:54

I need to arrange to get some stuff from him then I'm going to block him. He's trying to guilt trip me saying the whole situation about his ex not letting him see his lad is really upsetting and he didn't want to hurt me or lose me.

OP posts:
AdaColeman · 04/05/2020 15:58

You've done the right thing by ending the relationship.
Block him all possible ways so that he can't worm his way back in to your affections. Stay strong and maintain your distance from him.

He is a player, and his apparently lovely personality was all part of that. After all, if he had been horrible, you wouldn't have gone with him in the first place. But really after only three months you didn't know him at all, as you've just proved.

AdaColeman · 04/05/2020 16:02

he didn't want to hurt me or lose me

That's just emotional blackmail, telling you what he thinks you want to hear. Keep reminding yourself that you owe him nothing.

Original poster
Magicra84 · 04/05/2020 16:05

I thought I had found someone who made me happy and made me excited again Sad

OP posts:
Silenceisnotgolden · 04/05/2020 16:09

@Magicra84im so very sorry that you’ve been lied to and lured into a relationship under false pretences - it’s so unfair and unjust. Men who lie to have a relationship with, or sex with, women should have legal action taken against them. It’s a form of sexual abuse and it’s so wrong. I do hope you’re ok Flowers

CandleNoBra · 04/05/2020 16:10

RUN A MILE!
He’s a liar
He’s a deadbeat dad
He’s gaslighting you with excuses to make YOU feel guilty despite HIM being the one who lied.
RUN NOW!!!

SunbathingDragon · 04/05/2020 16:13

When I first asked him about the child he said it was his exes not his! Denying his own son.

So he lied and when caught out, lied again? He has shown you who he is now - a liar and a deadbeat father - believe him and don’t look back.

Drag0nflye · 04/05/2020 16:15

You’ve done the right thing OP. Take it from someone who’s just wasted a year of their life dating a complete loser that I knew in the first month had red flags coming out of his ears but I was swept away with his charm and looks and the stupid notion that I could change him. I wish more than anything in the world I hadn’t kept overlooking thing after thing.

You sound really lovely and like you’ve got your head screwed on. You will definitely find someone else out there who deserves you and your trust.

conduitoffortune · 04/05/2020 16:17

There is absolutely NO way back from here. There is nothing that he can possibly do or say to counteract what he has already done. Please don't give him another chance, he will make your life a misery.

Dozer · 04/05/2020 16:21

He didn’t/doesn’t have qualities you were looking for in a “Mr Right”: he’s a super shit dad and lied to you. He may well have been putting on a front about other things: as PPs say, v easy to be charming and attentive in the early days.

Arrange to get your stuff asap, then block him. In meantime ignore him, except for practical arrangements re your stuff.

TorkTorkBam · 04/05/2020 17:13

He's a player. He told you what you wanted to hear and so you thought he was the perfect man. Except you didn't fall for it, you sensed something was wrong and upon investigation you discovered he is indeed a bad one.

You seem hugely over invested in him for three months in. Like you were planning happily ever after. Are you looking for handsome prince to rescue you from some aspect of your life.

OptimisticSix · 04/05/2020 17:17

Run! He's just shown you exactly who he is and exactly how little value he places on even his child.

TorkTorkBam · 04/05/2020 17:18

It is amazing that he expects YOU to feel guilty when he says he had to hide what's bad about himself because if you knew what he's really like you'd be unhappy and wouldn't want him.

Well, durr, yeah mate, thanks for letting me know you feel the problem with you doing bad stuff is getting caught and people judging you, not doing the bad thing.

EmeraldShamrock · 04/05/2020 17:19

And just to add he makes out like I stop him but he doesn’t actually want to see them but of course to justify that he makes out like it’s me. I’ve never stopped him They always do. Flowers

AlpacaGoodnight · 04/05/2020 18:44

What a shit. You are right to run for the hills! Don't give up hope of finding a decent guy Flowers

NearlyGranny · 04/05/2020 18:57

Resume the search, I'm afraid.. This 'perfect' man turned out tobe a practised and serial liar. Trickle truth is the worst, when you catch someone in a lie and they lie some more so you dig some more, they lie some more, etc. How would you know you had ever got to the end of it? How could you ever know what he was saying about you to other people?

See if you can get a friend to pick up your stuff, or at least go with you. Be prepared to cut your losses and abandon possessions. He may try to hold onto hostage pieces to have his foot in the door of your life.

You've dodged a bullet, OP; make sure it stays dodged.

Original poster
Magicra84 · 05/05/2020 07:58

Thank you for your replies. His ex (sons mother) didn't put him on the birth certificate or any of the other four fathers on their children's birth certificates. He and her weren't together when she registered the child's birth, she was with someone else. I don't think he's got any fight in him because I would do everything in my power to make sure I was on that BC.

OP posts:
darrenlacey · 05/05/2020 08:30

@Magicra84 you got this info about her other children from him? Don't believe anything he says.

Cut him out and move on!!

nevernotstruggling · 05/05/2020 08:33

This is what self care looks like - even though it hurts. This lying man was blocking your happiness x

Original poster
Magicra84 · 05/05/2020 08:38

@darrenlacey a friend of hers told me about the other four children's father's not being on the birth certificates but he told me they weren't together when she got the baby's birth registered. He's still trying to charm me, apologising and telling me he won't keep anything else from me. Still trying to sort a date to collect some of my stuff from him then I'll finally be able to block. I just really liked him like no other.

OP posts: