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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New man lied to me

117 replies

Magicra84 · 04/05/2020 11:55

I've been dating a man for around three months now. He said he had no ties at all including no children. I really, really like him but something was just going off in my head even though he gave me no cause to.

Anyway today I had a little snoop on what things he's tagged on via other people on Facebook as his profile is on restricted view and it turns out he has a two year old son. He had also told me he had been single for three years. So I confronted him and he was all apologetic saying he doesn't have contact with his son as the ex won't let him. When I asked if he had been to court for contact he said he didn't as the child would have forgotten about him by now and won't know who he is. Poor child 😕 It also turns out he's only been single for a year so why would he say 3 to me? I am really quite upset has not only who looks like a deadbeat father, he's a liar, but before I found out this he was in many ways my ideal man. I was starting to grow really fond of him, he's attentive, funny and works hard. I have told him it's over though. Aibu to run for the hills? Just feels really shitty. I've been treated appallingly by men over the past few years and thought I had found my mr right at last.

OP posts:
SunShine682 · 05/05/2020 08:38

OP he’s a liar!! Don’t fall for it...

If he cared even a tiny bit about his child then he would of been to see a solicitor about access.

NotMyNigel · 05/05/2020 08:52

@Magicra84

You CANT put a man on your child’s birth certificate , unless he is your husband and you take along your marriage certificate.

So that’s yet another lie from him.

Hamsterian · 05/05/2020 08:54

He is a horrible liar!
You did well in breaking up, but I can see from your messages you’re already trying to make excuses for him and letting him off the hook... don’t get back with him! It will be a disaster if you do.

JacquiDeVille · 05/05/2020 09:51

Can't a friend go pick your stuff up?

carolebaskinsheadband · 05/05/2020 10:09

I have a feeling he will persuade you to take him back OP, the tone of your posts shows that you're not fully on board with ending things.
Pick up stuff = sympathy shag.

darrenlacey · 05/05/2020 10:14

If they were unmarried he has to be present at the time of registering if he wants to go on the birth certificate. I assume he had no interest in doing so otherwise he would have made sure he was there. Yes mothers can make things difficult if they want to but he would pursue her for access if he was bothered.

OP my ex has had strings of women fall head over heels for him because he is very charming and knows how to make them feel like they are the new love of his life. It's all bullshit and they soon find out he's an absolute waste of space who just knows what to say to make them think he's "the one". Unfortunately I was one of the first and naively jumped in with two feet, was very young and had a baby with him within a year!

He's already lied about this and you've only known him 3 months!! Ignore his pleas and move on ffs!

Ponoka7 · 05/05/2020 10:25

This may get flamed but i wouldn't want to be with a man who had unprotected sex with a woman with three children, if it's her that blocks contact. He's dropped his load and ran.

But anyone who feels nothing for their children, especially if they live within gossiping distance, can feel nothing for anyone but themselves.

He's told you want you wanted to hear. You don't know him, it's been a fling equivalent to a holiday fling that pretends to be someone else.

How many red flags do you need?

PumpkinP · 05/05/2020 10:31

I think the op is going to forgive aswell. She doesn’t actually have to have him unblocked until she is able to collect her stuff so she could block him until then. Anyway good luck you will need it. He will do the same to you as I know to well.

darrenlacey · 05/05/2020 10:33

@Ponoka7 agree the fact he went there at all with a woman who has 4 children with multiple fathers - none of which are involved in the kids lives? - then impregnated her himself no less - is a testament to his character.

Surely you have higher standards than this trash OP?

longwayoff · 05/05/2020 10:36

He was someone else's ideal man too. She now knows he's a liar and a loser, so do you, just in time. Door. Next please. Good luck.

Misspretty · 05/05/2020 10:47

How can you think you’ve met mr right after really only dating for a month, the other two have been in lockdown.
What stuff have you to get? If it’s not that much it might be worth accepting the loss and just blocking now

WeAllHaveWings · 05/05/2020 10:58

OP you were starting to fall for the person he painted himself to be, not who he actually is. TBH most people do this, because everyone is on their best behaviour this early in a relationship, but the lies he told for 3 months are just way too big. You are doing the right thing.

Ask him to drop your stuff off outside your door on his next daily exercise, then block.

Snuggz · 05/05/2020 11:03

5 kids all by different dads? Who is she, Katie Price? Grin

I’m amazed at how much your friend knows about her, I mean I can’t imagine many women going around boasting that none of her kids dads are on their birth certificates.

Robin233 · 05/05/2020 11:10

My dh father didn't see dh for 22 years
His dm remarried and told df they had a new family now and didn't need him
Every time he tried to see him the door was slammed in his face (probably after a row. )

Weak maybe but in the fil just gave up - still sent money.

Just saying they is always 2 sides.

We tracked down fil eventually
And had a good 15 years until his untimely death - rip.

Original poster
Magicra84 · 05/05/2020 11:36

I'm 36 now so time is running out on me starting my own family so I definitely won't be staying with this loser. Even when I ask him why he doesn't take her to court for access he doesn't have a clear answer. He says the little lad will have forgotten him by now. I say he can get to know you and he just brushes it off. He says his parents have tried to see the lad but given up. He seems to think that because he's not on the BC as the father he will have little rights in court but is that just an excuse for not seeing the child? His ex uses men to have kids so she can get more benefits it seems. What a pair! The source I have giving me this info about her is her good friend.

OP posts:
PumpkinP · 05/05/2020 11:48

Hmm she has more kids to get benefits you say?? Yet you don’t get tax credits for additional children anymore so that doesn’t add up Hmm unless you’re saying she has more kids for the £13 child benefit? Does he pay maintenance?

carolebaskinsheadband · 05/05/2020 11:50

I'm glad you're talking sense now OP. Here's hoping you get away from this dickhead ASAP and find someone worth your while.

Standupthisisnotateaparty · 05/05/2020 11:52

Certain lies are unforgivable. He’s shown you who he is. Move on before you fall further.

Snuggz · 05/05/2020 11:56

Yes it is an excuse for not seeing the child:

www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities/who-has-parental-responsibility

Let’s face it, any decent man who fathered a child and wanted to be a dad and involved in their child’s life would a) fight tooth and nail to be on the birth certificate in the first place and b) if the mother refused access they would fight her in court for access. He’s not a decent man, he was probably quite glad to be absolved of the responsibility of being a parent and that’s why he lies about having a kid in the first place.

TorkTorkBam · 05/05/2020 12:00

If she were after money she'd have put him on the bc and gone to CMS.

If it is true what he tells you about her, about what she did with her four previous children and how everybody knows all about what an awful person she is, well, he is telling you he has terrible taste in women or gives no fucks how awful they are if he is getting his leg over.

I mean that's his excuse to make himself look good? My ex is a crazy mean old witch, everybody knows it, she gets knocked up on purpose. So I dated her, didn't use contraception and am OK with my child being raised by the mercenary witch

No personal responsibility. Despises women.

PumpkinP · 05/05/2020 12:03

She can go to cms without him being on the BC but she isn’t having them for more benefits like op seems to think as it cost more than £13 a week to raise a child.

Bluntness100 · 05/05/2020 12:15

Is he even paying for his son?

These are major lies, I don’t think they are recoverable from. There was no need to lie he’d been single for three years, or to lie about his child like that. I think most women couldn’t be with someone like this.

The bottom line is you now know what kind of man he is. He’s dishonest. Through and through. If you let him back in one day he will lie again, and again, because that’s who he is. He lies when he thinks it benefits him.

Some lies are acceptable. But lying about your own child, lying about how long you were single for. It’s not just a red flag, it’s a whole line of bunting.

Original poster
Magicra84 · 05/05/2020 12:26

@Bluntness100 He doesn't pay anything for his son. He says that as she won't let him see the lad then he won't pay.

OP posts:
tiktok · 05/05/2020 12:36

Ugh. He sounds awful. Excuses and lies already, after just three months? And I'd be wondering about what else/what other kids he's not telling you about.

He doesn't need a lawyer to investigate seeing his son - he can apply for mediation, and then a child arrangements order, himself. Not being on the BC doesn't help, but unless his paternity is challenged, it shouldn't be an issue.

But he doesn't want to do that, does he? No. He might have to take an interest, take responsibility and God forbid, actually pay something towards the little boy's upbringing.

Poor kid. Imagine having that explained to you when you're old enough to understand.

tiktok · 05/05/2020 12:37

'He won't pay as she won't let him see the child'.....gets worse, doesn't it? It's like Pay-per-View telly.

You don't have to see a child to take some responsibility.

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