Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

New man lied to me

117 replies

Magicra84 · 04/05/2020 11:55

I've been dating a man for around three months now. He said he had no ties at all including no children. I really, really like him but something was just going off in my head even though he gave me no cause to.

Anyway today I had a little snoop on what things he's tagged on via other people on Facebook as his profile is on restricted view and it turns out he has a two year old son. He had also told me he had been single for three years. So I confronted him and he was all apologetic saying he doesn't have contact with his son as the ex won't let him. When I asked if he had been to court for contact he said he didn't as the child would have forgotten about him by now and won't know who he is. Poor child 😕 It also turns out he's only been single for a year so why would he say 3 to me? I am really quite upset has not only who looks like a deadbeat father, he's a liar, but before I found out this he was in many ways my ideal man. I was starting to grow really fond of him, he's attentive, funny and works hard. I have told him it's over though. Aibu to run for the hills? Just feels really shitty. I've been treated appallingly by men over the past few years and thought I had found my mr right at last.

OP posts:

Ballllzac · 04/05/2020 12:43

You’ve done the right thing. It’s easy to appear perfect for 3 months!

CrazyToast · 04/05/2020 12:43

@FlaskMaster Everyone looks like the perfect man at 3 months!

These are wise words! I wish someone had taught me this sooner.

Original poster

Magicra84 · 04/05/2020 12:49

I can't get over the fact he says he doesn't see his son but won't do anything about it. Bloody hate liars and bad dads.

OP posts:

Cheeseandwin5 · 04/05/2020 12:59

I think there are some little lies you make and/ or omissions you can make but a son is not one of them.
I think you were right about being worried about him after that, Saying that as far as the being single bit, I think his dating history is an odd thing to quiz him about so quickly.

Abcduck · 04/05/2020 13:02

Have you blocked him?

Poppi89 · 04/05/2020 13:08

Yes run for the hills.

I do sometimes understand people telling white lies/not telling everything until they get to know you more.

But to not say you have kids when you do or vice versa is not ok as you need to decide if that's what you want - just because he doesn't see him now doesn't mean he won't in the future. And lying about how long he's been single for is just odd - sounds to me like he doesn't know how to tell the truth about anything!

VeganCow · 04/05/2020 13:12

He had no need to lie at all, why not tell you from the off that he has a son he doesn't see?

PumpkinP · 04/05/2020 13:18

Because a lot of women would be put off by a man having a child he doesn’t see. It’s a huge red flag, would be one thing if he saw the child but having a child you don’t see obviously rings alarm bells and won’t make him look good so they hope you won’t find out, my exes excuse was that he only tells people that are important to him, and he doesn’t tell just anyone, it was like he expected me to feel special when he told me more like they just don’t want to explain why they aren’t allowed to see the child.

Drag0nflye · 04/05/2020 13:29

This isn’t a little white lie - not telling someone you’re in a serious relationship with that you have a child is significant. Also like you said, he doesn’t seem that bothered about the child. Do you know why him and the mother of the child split?

Someone once said to me that the red flags you ignore early on in the relationship will be the reason you end up leaving the relationship later on.

Thelnebriati · 04/05/2020 13:38

He's still trying to turn on the charm by text now.

So he lies and ignores boundaries.

carolebaskinsheadband · 04/05/2020 13:42

Please just finish it with him and stop and contact you have with him.

If he's lied about something so major and it's only been 3 months, imagine what other tricks he might have up his sleeve.

If you give him another chance you're a mug.

quarantinevibes · 04/05/2020 13:46

Yeah run for the hills. Who’s to say this won’t happen to you year’s down the line. I’m sure he was lovely, hard working and attentive to the baby’s mum at first too. Massive red flags lying about having a child 🚩 🚩🚩

Abcduck · 04/05/2020 13:46

I'm annoyed about the 'she has 5 kids by different dads abd she doesn't let any of them see them'.

Given that the child he has with her is 2, he must have known if the above is true to either take precautions with her or not get involved at all.

I hope this information really is from other people as it sounds like a typical botch up lie by a desperate player who was just found out... à la "blame the crazy ex, its always her and not me blah blah".

Original poster

Magicra84 · 04/05/2020 13:54

@Abcduck it's from a trusted source.he should've been more careful. Seems like he's a complete twat eh?

OP posts:

greenyblueeyedgirl · 04/05/2020 13:56

Youre absolutely NBU.

it is extremely low to deny or hide the existence of a child.

Sounds a bit strange that the mum denies all 5 fathers of her kids access (not suggesting your friend is lying), but he has a good job so could presumably pay to fight for access so why has he not done so? (Rhetorically speaking, it's not your problem now).

Well done in enforcing your boundaries. Any reason you can't just block him?

AlwaysCheddar · 04/05/2020 13:59

What a sleaze bag scumbag.... block him.

billy1966 · 04/05/2020 13:59

Good call OP.

Always listen to you gut

Original poster

Magicra84 · 04/05/2020 14:01

@greenyblueeyedgirl I asked him why he doesn't fight for access and apart from saying the lad won't remember him, he says he doesn't know.

It's been such a shit year, I've been I'll, had a relationship break down and bullying at work and now I thought life was getting back on track. I thought it was time to be happy. So sad 😢

OP posts:

dollface19 · 04/05/2020 14:15

I wish I had done what you can do now as exactly the same thing happened to me few months in to the relationship, he said he had 1 child turns out he had 3! Same excuses plus he wasn't ever married but his divorce had only got finalised a few months before we met. I forgave him and spent another 3 years believing more lies and wasted my time. Delete. Block. Run. Do not look back. They do not change. Ever.

wineandroses1 · 04/05/2020 14:16

Sorry you're sad Op. Try to think of this as you dodging a bullet - the lying, selfish, deadbeat twat would end up making you very unhappy, one way or another. Try to feel glad that you found out so early in the relationship.

Thelnebriati · 04/05/2020 14:21

I suspect he's Mr Charming for a short time then his real personality shines through.

Lundy Bancroft - Why Does He Do That?
tinyurl.com/LundyWhy

Original poster

Magicra84 · 04/05/2020 14:46

Ffs why have some people got to be such. I really wonder how long it would've taken him to mention to me he's got a son.

OP posts:

Original poster

Magicra84 · 04/05/2020 15:05

He is trying to get me to feel sorry for him now saying he kept it from me so I wasn't put off by him and that he really cares for me and wants me in his life.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 04/05/2020 15:12

I'll bet he does OP.
You sound lovely.
But he's just a lying waster.
Well done for finding out exactly who he is so quickly.
Move on.

PumpkinP · 04/05/2020 15:14

Are you not going to block him?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5