To suggest this to SC’s mum?

[OoooImBlindedByTheLight]

DP’s Ex is very hostile towards us, a whole host of issues I won’t go into detail on here but if you search up my username you’ll be able to find out if you so wish.

We’ve bought a new house which we were supposed to be in by now but our completion has been delayed due to the coronavirus.

Anyway, DP’s Ex doesn’t allow us anywhere near her house. She’s lived in the same house for nearly 9 years and DP has never been past the front door.
There have been occasions where either one of us have knocked the front door to either collect the kids or drop of something and she has opened the door then said “I’ll get them” and shut the door in our faces.

She has left us stood in the rain whilst the kids faffed with their bags or getting their things together rather than just asking if we would like to stand in their hallway.

It’s got to the point where we wouldn’t even get out of the car now and just ring the kids mobiles when we’re outside.

Anyway, we’ve bought a new house and one of Ex’s new demands was “I need to come see your new house before they can stay over”

We told her the address obviously, she needs to know where her kids live with us but then she said “No I need to see what their room is like and whether the house is suitable”.

My SCs are 11 and 15, not babies for goodness sake.

DP replied “That’s great, we look forward to seeing their rooms at your house so we can get idea of how to decorate it for them and see how they’d like it”

She hit the roof and said we have no right to see inside her home but couldn’t see the irony when we returned that sentiment.

I would have no problem if she was civil or reasonable with us, but she is abusive towards and about me.

She’s simply being nosey and trying to exert power over me which is quite obvious considering she’s never asked to see inside DP’s current home where he’s lived for 6 years. She just wants to force her way into our home.

I said to DP maybe we should be the bigger people here and allow it but he rightly pointed out that she’ll bring up things for months afterwards about anything she doesn’t like about our home and that if we let her get away making bizarre rules again then we’re effectively giving her a green light.

So AWBU to say no, she’s not welcome in our home?

You will be very unreasonable if you dance to her tune.
In fact you would be a doormat if you allowed to bully you..

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

She can be as rude and demanding as she likes. You do not have to dance to her tune, neither you nor your husband, in fact you would be a doormat to even consider her demands.
Best wishes, stay strong!

How do the children feel about their Mother not being able to enter what will be their home, but your ex can? There's a big message in that, to the children on whose home it is and who are guests

I assume they will think each parent isn’t allowed in each other’s house. The ex doesn’t let the op’s dh in her house, so it’s fair really isn’t it? And then there is a different arrangement between the op and her ex.

Plus their mum is hard work and the op’s children’s father sounds like he isn’t.

It’s nice to see I’m not being unfair!
Thanks for all of the advice, we will definitely stand our ground on this one

How do the children feel about their Mother not being able to enter what will be their home, but your ex can? There's a big message in that, to the children on whose home it is and who are guests

The big message to the SC is "this is always your home, it's just not your Mum's home" but the great news is she already has a home.

OP you can be truthful with your SC (and they are your SC so don't feel bad for calling them that - not three days ago I saw a post on here where a step parent referred to their DP's DC as "the DP"s DC" and get torn apart for how they worded it). Just be straight; your Mum doesn't let your Dad into her house, so she has no need to come into this house. No drama, no unkindness, just straightforward facts. The DC aren't young; they can probably recognise her ridiculous behaviour without you needing to explain it.

@FudgeBrownie2019 you are completely right... I wonder what the kids think about their mum slamming the door in DP’s face?

I can’t see why the kids will ask if their mum can see their room because they’ve never done that before, but if they do we will simply say “FaceTime her if you like but we don’t go into mum’s house or her into ours, that’s just how it is”

Wouldn’t surprise me if she goes for a maintenance recalculation soon

Yep, she'll see you've bought a nicer house, OP, and assume that your DP has had a big promotion or something, and go for more maintenance.

Imagine her rage if/when she finds out that you've got the house because of your career progression, not her ex's, and that she's on a hiding to nothing!

I read your thread in step parenting and agree with everything stated there. She is soooooo jealous. You’ve handled things so so well with how you deal with the comment your step children come out with. Unfortunately I have no advice. I just wanted to say you are doing a brilliant job at keeping your cool with them and being a great example of how an adult should act. Lots of flowers and hugs and stuff x

@Cheeeeesecaaaaakkkeeee thank you, what a lovely post xx

@LakieLady well funnily enough it is because of me that we’re buying the house, a bit of inheritance and a lot of hard saving.
DP earns well but would have been happy renting forever, it was my suggestion to knuckle down and save which lead us to our new home

I feel sorry for this woman.

Yes she's behaving appallingly, no doubt about that.

You have used 'my' to prefix SC repeatedly throughout your thread. It is very unusual for any poster to post eg 'my DC' when they're referring to their own children. Most post 'DC' , not 'my DC' . Most post 'SC' when referring to SC, not 'my SC'.

You seem very focussed on the SC being 'your SC' and have even outlined exactly when they will legally be 'yours'. It seems an odd position and one that would rub a mother very much up the wrong way.

Talking of which, you seem to be very contemptuous of her. Children aren't stupid, they will pick that up in you even if it is never once said verbally, not once, even with lashings of (fake) praise for their mother (we all have hoops we need to jump through in situations like this and I expect you are no different) but her kids will pick up how you feel about her, you won't be able to hide it. She behaves extremely badly but I wonder how much that has to do with you and your attitude towards her and her children?

Do you perhaps, in your heart of hearts, think the children are lucky to get a better mother in you?

Why did you post? You know full well she is being outrageously unreasonable so why did you post? To get the collective outrage of MN who have dutifully delivered the goods? Mothers ripping another mother to shreds. You knew you'd get that so what was your purpose in posting? To share the derision for this woman and mother? If so, you got what you wanted.

@springydaff.

Ooft. Mothers ripping another mother to shreds? And your post was a beacon of positivity and support? I smell a whiff of protection here

Projection. Damn it! Time to put the gin down

@springydaff Stop being daft!!

Mothers ripping another mother to shreds?

Pot, Kettle, Black.. the only person doing any shredding is you and the SC mother!

I see nothing wrong with calling them “my SC”. It’s a good sign that the children refer to the OP as their stepmum, isn’t it? They feel comfortable in their family. You don’t need to be married to be a step.

I don’t see a problem with her not allowing you or your DP in her house to collect the kids though- I don’t allow my ex into my house. But then I have no interest in going into his!

It is very unusual for any poster to post eg 'my DC' when they're referring to their own children.

😳 But it just isn’t unusual. In the least.

It’s totally standard for people to refer to their children or their son or their daughter.

Springydaff Congrats on winning with the post that really takes the cake!

@jojobar
It can happen, my exDH and I get on, he works abroad and when he’s on leave and comes for youngest DD we usually go out for
dinner/lunch to catch up then she goes off to stay at his. My DP is in awe as his exW is on the level of not worse than OPs loopy ex, actually definitely worse 🤣

@springydaff what the hell are you talking about?
I said my SCs... it doesn’t read grammatically well to just say SCs and I didn’t want to call them the SCs because it sounds impersonal and a bit cold.

I am not their mother, I do not want to be their mother and I have no desire to parent them whatsoever. Your projection is actually laughable.

Yes I am cross at their mum constantly calling me names, belittling me, whenever I do anything she makes snide remarks and trying to have weird power plays for a reason unknown to either myself or my partner. I can assure you this is very one sided and I have never retaliated or told my SCs how their DM is behaving.

My SCs love me and I love them, I will legally be their stepmum and I stated that fact only in response to a PP saying I shouldn’t call myself that. I also clarified that I don’t actually call myself that in real life but was using the term for clarification of who’s who in my posts. If you’d bothered to read my posts you would see that.

However, if I want to call them my SCs there is literally nothing wrong or untoward about that because it is factually correct.

@springydaff also you will see I have used the phrases “my DC”, “my kids”, and “my DP” several times throughout the thread so you’re just being very odd and pedantic.

There are 2 sets of SCs in our household, DP’s DC who are my SCs and my DC who are my DP’s SCs. Hope that makes it clearer for you

Also I posted because I was wavering about letting her come into the house (as stated in my OP) but my DP was adamant we shouldn’t allow this as she will continually make unreadable demands if we give in.
I wanted reassurance we were doing the right thing and also it’s good to hear how other people handle these sorts of situaions

If you really want to play her at her own game why not say you've just got so much on your plate at the moment with the wedding, so many decisions around the dress etc and of course work is just so busy... but it's all very exciting, the kids are so excited . Or just say no, chuck in Covid-19 restrictions and you have to maintain a bubble... That ought to rain on her crazy parade.

I would completely stay uninvolved, let your partner deal with his ex. Not sure why you even need to know, leave it to him, far less stress.

OP ignore springydaff's ridiculous comments about sc, the sc or whatever stupid comments she was making on how you address the kids. It was perfectly clear from your earlier posts that you were only using that terminology on here to differentiate. Some people are so pedantic.

Regarding his ex, ignore if possible but definitely do not let her into your new home. You are perfectly justified in the circumstances. If it was me I would just tell her to fuck right off but that wouldn't do you any favours in the long-term. Good luck with crazy...