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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To suggest this to SC’s mum?

143 replies

OoooImBlindedByTheLight · 04/05/2020 10:13

DP’s Ex is very hostile towards us, a whole host of issues I won’t go into detail on here but if you search up my username you’ll be able to find out if you so wish.

We’ve bought a new house which we were supposed to be in by now but our completion has been delayed due to the coronavirus.

Anyway, DP’s Ex doesn’t allow us anywhere near her house. She’s lived in the same house for nearly 9 years and DP has never been past the front door.
There have been occasions where either one of us have knocked the front door to either collect the kids or drop of something and she has opened the door then said “I’ll get them” and shut the door in our faces.

She has left us stood in the rain whilst the kids faffed with their bags or getting their things together rather than just asking if we would like to stand in their hallway.

It’s got to the point where we wouldn’t even get out of the car now and just ring the kids mobiles when we’re outside.

Anyway, we’ve bought a new house and one of Ex’s new demands was “I need to come see your new house before they can stay over”

We told her the address obviously, she needs to know where her kids live with us but then she said “No I need to see what their room is like and whether the house is suitable”.

My SCs are 11 and 15, not babies for goodness sake.

DP replied “That’s great, we look forward to seeing their rooms at your house so we can get idea of how to decorate it for them and see how they’d like it”

She hit the roof and said we have no right to see inside her home but couldn’t see the irony when we returned that sentiment.

I would have no problem if she was civil or reasonable with us, but she is abusive towards and about me.

She’s simply being nosey and trying to exert power over me which is quite obvious considering she’s never asked to see inside DP’s current home where he’s lived for 6 years. She just wants to force her way into our home.

I said to DP maybe we should be the bigger people here and allow it but he rightly pointed out that she’ll bring up things for months afterwards about anything she doesn’t like about our home and that if we let her get away making bizarre rules again then we’re effectively giving her a green light.

So AWBU to say no, she’s not welcome in our home?

OP posts:
Original poster
OoooImBlindedByTheLight · 04/05/2020 12:53

and also you are not their SM until your marriage

I am very much their stepmum. I look after them like they are my own and support them both financially and emotionally.

My stepdad isn’t married to my mum but has been around for 25 years, them not being married has no bearing on him being my stepparent.

OP posts:
Original poster
OoooImBlindedByTheLight · 04/05/2020 12:55

I was utterly determined to be patient and understanding in dealing with it all because I thought no matter what it must be tough to see another woman standing with your children and ex. I also thought most people can be reasoned with if you just try to see things from their point of view

To put it into perspective she left my DP for another man over a decade ago. She’s been engaged to another man since (not current partner) and has been living with her current partner for nearly 2 years.

OP posts:
Weallhavevalidopinions · 04/05/2020 12:58

I feel for you.

It feels like a power play and control. She wants to still control her ex and his new partner. She hates that she doesn't know everything and hence wants to see the house. Jealously. It's not your fault she is batshit.

Say no each time. Continue what you have been doing and be calm and civil, you are the better person.

Good luck in your new home.

Sickandscared · 04/05/2020 13:01

I wouldn't even bother responding to those stupid remarks about whether you are stepmum or not. You clearly are.

Also, why should you sit and speculate on whether the ex is offended by you saying stepmum? Even if she was (and no rational reason to think she is given its never been mentioned) that is entirely irrelevant to this situation.

I am quite jealous of your great relationship with your teenage stepdaughter however. My partner's eldest has mirrored her mother's behaviour / attitude toward me and is entirely dismissive toward me. I know she's a victim of her upbringing but her cruelty toward me is hard to stomach when I'm having a hard time. Now I see the youngest copying her. I persevere but it's hard...

Truthpact · 04/05/2020 13:02

Ah so you've got a better career than her, a bigger house now and you got an engagement ring. That's why she hates you.

She's petty and jealous. And batshit crazy now. Maybe you should send her a bill for half of all of the stuff you guys have bought the kids if she is demanding more money and things to be 'fairer'.

Sickandscared · 04/05/2020 13:05

Yes in my situation she also ended the marriage, said she didn't love him anymore, kept the family home, got a generous settlement and is in another relationship for the last couple of years.

She cannot accept she is not in charge anymore.

Original poster
OoooImBlindedByTheLight · 04/05/2020 13:11

@Sickandscared I’m sorry to hear that it’s now having a negative effect on your relationship with your SC Sad
Luckily in my situation the kids seem relatively oblivious to their mum’s hatred towards us

OP posts:
VeganCow · 04/05/2020 13:26

I would video the rooms when they're ready and send her that.

CheddarGorgeous · 04/05/2020 13:46

You know that the minute the kids are in the house they will be told by their mum to take loads of pictures and send them to her? Will you be able to stop them?

Jimdandy · 04/05/2020 13:54

Do not allow this. I can’t believe the audacity of some people!

Dinomom52 · 04/05/2020 13:58

No advise, but loved your DH’s response to her. 😊

AlwaysCheddar · 04/05/2020 14:08

Your dh needs to think about what he pays. What will happen when they go to uni?

And don’t let the ex set foot in your house.

jojobar · 04/05/2020 14:11

Clearly she has no right to see inside your home.

But all this staying friendly with Exs, having tea together...it's all bollocks isn't it? Certainly it's not representative of any XW/XH relationship I know. She doesn't have to get along with you or even speak to you.

My DC's dad is a tosser. We split up 12 years ago; I've not so much as spoken to him for 7 years and frankly if I never see or speak to him again that's absolutely fine. There's no way I'd ever let him through the door of my home, and I don't even know his current address. He's never set foot in this house since the day he moved out and that suits me fine.

Windyatthebeach · 04/05/2020 14:21

She is a cf if you aren't classed as the sm but she wants a share of your wages for her dc....

FlamingoQueen · 04/05/2020 14:35

You sound like a lovely Stepmum. She does not need to see inside your house and it’s not appropriate for her to do so. End of story!

She is probably jealous of you.

Floofboopsnootandbork · 04/05/2020 15:23

But all this staying friendly with Exs, having tea together...it's all bollocks isn't it? Certainly it's not representative of any XW/XH relationship I know.

I know plenty like this, In fact there is 3 examples of this in just my immediate family! Hmm

Giespeace · 04/05/2020 16:47

I don’t think I’d even bother replying to any more of this nonsense to be honest. Just let it disappear into cyber nothingness.

She’s been told once and she’s not 5 years old so once should be enough.
As PP said, it’s not like she could take it to court or anything. Her kids are old enough to decide they want to see their dad so her her power is diminishing. Maybe that’s part of what’s driving her - she needs to squeeze all the fuckwittery she can into the next couple of years before the door slams in her face altogether.

Original poster
OoooImBlindedByTheLight · 04/05/2020 16:52

Your dh needs to think about what he pays. What will happen when they go to uni?

The eldest won’t go to uni, she struggles a lot academically. I think the youngest might though. We’ll have to cross that bridge as and when that happens, we’d be happy to help support her though.

OP posts:
Maybelatte · 04/05/2020 17:03

I don’t think you have a right to enter her home so not sure why you ever expected that really. You can easily wait in the car for the children, never any reason to stand around in her house.

Obviously she’s also being a CF expecting a tour guide of your new home.

FinnefanFox · 04/05/2020 17:08

Kids are old enough to make arrangements without involving mum at all, and no she is not entitled to see their rooms in your house.

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 04/05/2020 17:16

She sounds like the least self-aware / irony aware person ever!

Ponoka7 · 04/05/2020 17:18

"It’s important to me that they feel they have their own space just for them in our home and feel like it’s their home as well"

How do the children feel about their Mother not being able to enter what will be their home, but your ex can? There's a big message in that, to the children on whose home it is and who are guests.

What will you do if one of them wants her to see their bedroom?

It's tough on children when a parent moves in full time with other children and they are visitors.

Original poster
OoooImBlindedByTheLight · 04/05/2020 17:19

@Maybelatte I have absolutely zero desire to go into her home, I never expected it I was just describing the situation that she has made it perfectly clear we would not be welcome yet she expects to be allowed into our home.
We do wait in the car, read my post again

OP posts:
Original poster
OoooImBlindedByTheLight · 04/05/2020 17:23

How do the children feel about their Mother not being able to enter what will be their home, but your ex can? There's a big message in that, to the children on whose home it is and who are guests

They have never been here when my ex has popped in because we have all the kids or none of the kids. So the weekend my ex is dropping or picking up my DCs are the weekends my SCs are at their mum’s so they have no idea this happens.

What will you do if one of them wants her to see their bedroom?

I will say they are welcome to FaceTime her to show her their room and then I expect DP can deal with it afterwards. He can either ring his ex or text her to say no.

OP posts:
HollyGoLoudly1 · 04/05/2020 17:32

We had the exact same issue/argument with DH's ex when we bought our first home together. Glad to see everyone thinks it's unreasonable, I certainly did at the time!