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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is spying on me

34 replies

HelpPlease90 · 03/05/2020 23:14

Please can you help me. I’m actually a bit scared.

DH made 2 references to random things today that I had mentioned by text to a friend. One was a film from years ago, the other was about a random accident. It feels like a big coincidence that he would mention these things on the evening that I texted my friend about them.

How can I find out what he is doing? I have an iphone. How can I keep my messages and phone secure?

I change my password regularly and have my phone on me all the time.

OP posts:
Frozenfan2019 · 03/05/2020 23:16

If he is spying on you why would he mention it? There must be a history to this otherwise I am sure you wouldn't jump to the conclusion that he is spying.

If you are scared of him get away. Your phone is the least of your worries if you don't feel safe x

PersonaNonGarter · 03/05/2020 23:18

Are there other reasons that make you think he might be spying on you?

Could it be about the friend you were messaging?

jelly79 · 03/05/2020 23:19

Why do you change your passwords regularly and have your phone on you all the time? Has he got history or reason for spying?

Summercamping · 03/05/2020 23:21

Honestly, this does not sound like a relationship you want to stay in, if you are scared of him, and neither of you trusts the other. What is keeping you with him?

anotherwinkywinkybumbum · 03/05/2020 23:26

Is your phone linked to a shared tablet or ipad? Messages can be seen that way.

Original poster
HelpPlease90 · 03/05/2020 23:26

We are in an unhappy relationship but have children and are muddling along.

I think he thinks I’m having an affair of sorts but I’m not. That’s why he may have accessed my phone.

My friend who I was messaging is a platonic male friend and it was those messages that he referred to.

I don’t know why he would let on. Probably to intimidate me. To spook me. To show he has the upper hand?

But how can I find out. How can I protect my phone and messages? I’m suspicious he is accessing them via another device.

OP posts:
Original poster
HelpPlease90 · 03/05/2020 23:28

We have a tablet and his messages pop up on it. Mine don’t.

Can he access via a normal computer? Would he need my apple ID? I changed that a few months ago but didn’t share the password.

OP posts:
quarantinevibes · 03/05/2020 23:30

Change your Apple ID password and I believe there’s an option to log out of all other devices.

HollowTalk · 03/05/2020 23:31

If things are bad, OP, I would avoid messaging other guys, even if they are just friends. It does sound suspicious, tbh, that he mentioned those things on the day you'd put them into messages.

grumpyorange · 03/05/2020 23:34

If you have nothing to hide why are you so determined to keep him out of everything. If I thought my DH was having an affair if he changed all his passwords etc it would all but confirm it?

ishouldtryabiteachday · 03/05/2020 23:35

I know he shouldn't, but if you've nothing to hide? If this friend is platonic then he won't find anything. If you are talking about being up unhappy then yes he knows. I wouldn't even even bat an eyelid, don't rise to it.

If it's on WhatsApp though you can access WhatsApp on a computer, so maybe he's logging into that? Or Facebook messenger? Maybe he's using your finger to access your phone when asleep unless Face ID ? Is your phone code guessable .. my DP would easily guess mine.

Thelnebriati · 03/05/2020 23:35

Start with the security on your device, and then look at other ways he could be monitoring you.

www.bbc.com/news/technology-50166147

visihow.com/Know_if_Someone_Is_Spying_on_My_Phone

Thelnebriati · 03/05/2020 23:37

And the 'innocent have nothing to fear' crowd have shown up already.

OP you might get more support if you get this moved to Relationships.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 03/05/2020 23:37

I am not a tech expert but I guess he would have had to have had access to your phone at some point to be able to put some sort of software on it if you think he is accessing your messages remotely. There must be some stuff on google about how to check if your phone has spyware installed on it? If you cant find anything you could always back up your photos and contacts and restore factory settings in the mean time.

He may have brought it up to intimidate or he may have forgotten where he has seen or heard the reference, as in he may have brought it up mistakenly. Or since you've messaged your friend you may be paranoid about your husband and making a big deal of the coincidence

grumpyorange · 03/05/2020 23:39

@Thelnebriati I'm just confused as to why she would be scared about it.

If my DH went through my phone the most he'd get is a few dodgy selfies. I wouldn't count a DH as spying on you if you're in the same house and still in a relationship

Khione · 03/05/2020 23:47

Why not play the game.

Text things that show you in a good light but reference something uncontroversial and specific and UNTRUE. If he references this and you can take it from there

MabelTheCow · 03/05/2020 23:53

Oh OP! That would totally freak me out. Hope you can get all your passwords changed, sign out of other devices and get some peace of mind.

summerfruitssquash · 03/05/2020 23:56

Are you just staying in this unhappy relationship because of lockdown? Or are you planning to leave?

Thelnebriati · 04/05/2020 00:01

@grumpyorange
Stalking and surveillance are red flags, not behaviours that happen in a healthy relationships. They are both pre-incident indicators for violence at a later date.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/stalking/

Crinkle77 · 04/05/2020 00:01

I'd send some more messages to your friend and see if he mentioned anything else.

NowSissyThatWalk · 04/05/2020 00:05

I'd send some more messages to your friend and see if he mentioned anything else

That's a good idea, very Colleen Rooney Grin

OP you sound quite scared - are you okay? Is there anything on there that could put you in danger?

grumpyorange · 04/05/2020 00:05

@Thelnebriati it seems from the OP and the update that this is the first time anything like this has occurred. To me as she is regularly changing passwords something deeper must be going on that she has not revealed that makes her think that she needs to do this.
If it is the case that this is the first occasion I wouldn't be scared about it, annoyed probably. And as I said if my partner was constantly changing passwords I would be suspicious. How many people on MN admit to reading their partners messages? Quite a few that I've seen. They seem to normally be met with support from other MNetters as their DP has been suspicious.

Reluctantbettlynch · 04/05/2020 00:11

Set him up, put something deliberate and unique in a message to flush him out

user1473878824 · 04/05/2020 00:35

Please don’t bother playing games. If you are unhappy OP why not leave? Especially as you’re scared. This is no way to live.

whynotchangemore · 04/05/2020 00:42

One way to find out if he's got your keypad tracked or just your whatapp or Apple ID, is to use direct message on other platforms, if he's still mentioning then it's spyware, tracking your keypad.

If you are off whatapp try these for your chats they all have messaging, LinkedIn, Instagram, Pinterest, Facebook, Skype? There are so many others.

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