To think DH is spying on me

[HelpPlease90]

Please can you help me. I’m actually a bit scared.

DH made 2 references to random things today that I had mentioned by text to a friend. One was a film from years ago, the other was about a random accident. It feels like a big coincidence that he would mention these things on the evening that I texted my friend about them.

How can I find out what he is doing? I have an iphone. How can I keep my messages and phone secure?

I change my password regularly and have my phone on me all the time.

[MT2017]

My DH and family are linked with me via certain apps (BBC, Amazon etc).

If they are looking at something, I will get items like that or on that subject in my news feed etc.

Could it be that?

[Quarantimespringclean]

I agree this could be innocent. DD and I had a very random discussion last week and the next day DH (who had been well out of earshot during our conversation) wondered why that topic was appearing on his various chat room pop ups. I’ve assumed it was apple spy-bots eavesdropping on us not him stalking our private convo.

However, I’m always think that if you have tingly suspicious feelings you are probably right. I’d plant a few red herrings on chats to your friend and other contacts and see if your DP is suddenly alert to those topics too.

[Peggysgettingcrazy]

Exh used to do this. Go through my phone and then drop exact wording I had used into conversation. He was abusive and he would deny he had been through my phone. I liked to leave me wondering if he had or hadn't.

I had absolutely nothing to hide. But realising you have absolutely no privacy feels very exposing. It's part of the abuse to make sure you know they have the power and they know everything so you better not step out of line. Not affairs, but anything at all. Watching what you message to anyone, female friends, family etc I had no privacy at all. Not with female friends anyone.

It amazes me how many people defend behaviour like this. Usually because they want full access to their partners phone or because they also sneak through their partners phone.

Exh uses to do things like Park outside my work, because he was convinced I was snraking out during the day to have set with people. He ended up terrifying someone her worked with, with a very similar car to me. He chased he down the ring road flashing his lights and beeping his horn. When he got alongside her, he realised it wasn't her. She recognised him. It was awful. It was escalation because he never found anything on my phone to prove anything, because it wasn't happening.

My life was made miserable when a colleague messaged me, one morning, to ask which training session I was in that day. We were both managers and he wanted to make sure there was cover in office. Thats all it said 'what time are you in training? I am just making sure we have a management cover'. That misery lasted 2 weeks.

Op absolutely shouldn't be ditching her friends, male or female because he is insecure. Just because you are insecure, it doesn't mean you behaviour is OK or that you are right to do what you are doing.

When he started this behaviour of course i reassured him. I even gave him access to my phone. I never deleted anything. But he continued to go behind my back.

Its not OK. And it does often form part of abuse and control.

[TomNook]

Agree no one should look at peoples phones if they don’t want it. Could it be overheard by an echo/Alexa ?

[RandomSelection]

I have to say, MN is strange. When a woman comes on here saying her DH is messaging someone of the opposite sex but saying it is platonic, lots of people say she should start spying on him and checking his phone and giving them ways of doing it because for sure he's having an affair. Now it's a woman saying she is messaging a person of the opposite sex but stating it is platonic but she thinks her DH is spying on her because he doesn't trust her and he is in the wrong and being controlling and abusive!!

But that aside, why are you scared, OP? There must be some back story to this? My husband knows my password and vice versa, he doesn't need to spy on me, he could just pick up my phone and look at it...

[Peggysgettingcrazy]

I for one don't agree with when its women checking phones. I did used post a balanced view. But often got shouted down by the people who insist a man never leaves unless there's a OW.

If its got to that stage, then, its already fucked in my opinion.

I also don't agree that just because a woman, is suspicious of cheating that she is right.

Yes, many are. But many are wrong and dont normally volunteer that information.

Besides which, people who are convinced their partners are cheating, will (in the main) always be convinced.

My exh still tells people I left him for my current dp. I didnt even meet him until well after we had split up. In fact, We had been split up 2 years when I started dating him.

You see it often on here. A marriage breakdown. Its attributed to an OW, the only proof being that the person started dating after the split. But its often presumed they must have been seeing them before.

Sometimes its true. Sometimes its just not.

If you are comfortable with sharing passwords and looking at each others phone. Thats absolutely fine.

But just because you arent, it doesnt mean you are doing something wrong.

[Shoxfordian]

Can you look into ways to leave? Is this part of a pattern of behaviour?

[DontInjectBleach]

Are the messages to your friend by text only? He could have a camera in the house somewhere and see/hear you on that?