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AIBU?

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Original poster

To say that making your child eat cigarettes as punishment is abuse?

194 replies

Roostersmum2 · 03/05/2020 21:50

DH has just told me that his brother, about 14 at the time, was forced to eat cigarettes after being caught stealing them from their mums packet. He then added that his gran chimed in and said that she should have made him smoke the whole packet.

DH is virtually no contact with his mum for reasons that are nothing to do with this, but that is abuse isn't it?

OP posts:
Gingerkittykat · 03/05/2020 22:43

I don't think you can always judge the actions of parents in previous generations by the same standards as today. Yes, that would be abuse today but 30 years ago was probably not unusual. Teachers threatened the belt at school (it was outlawed when I was about 7) and actually did wash kids mouth out with soap. The generation before me were regularly belted by parents and caned at school.

Also the ASD, I was not diagnosed till recently. I was quiet so never got into any trouble at school even though I had severe problems with communication and a load of other stuff. I was just seen as a weird and oddball kid who was shouted at for being different.

If the teachers didn't act then they are also to blame. Parents then didn't have the knowledge of ASD or other developmental disorders they do now, if they had even taken me or him to the Dr would they have been taken seriously?

I'm not saying that his parents were good parents but it is important to put things into context of the time they happened.

ElizaCrouch · 03/05/2020 22:43

Of course it can be discussed, but I think that if it's being discussed in public the person being talked about should be asked if they feel that's ok.

Give over.

BrooHaHa · 03/05/2020 22:44

I think it's easier not to do these things now, largely because of the cultural shift in how these a parent's role is viewed, but also because our worlds are much bigger. Nowadays, if you don't like what you're being told to do by your parents and friends you can find alternative views online and get support there, along with any evidence that exists that your way is right. Back then you could easily be stuck in an echo chamber, with everyone telling you to do the same thing to solve a problem and that it worked for their DC and that their DC are fine. And then, once you capitulated, because people get so very defensive about their parenting decisions you'd likely defend your course of action to others looking for advice.

The peer pressure in parenting still exists but to a far lesser extent and with less extreme parenting decisions. Take cry it out. I know a number of people who were talked into it despite not wanting to, because they'd been surrounded by people telling them that it was the best way, that it was necessary, that it worked for them, that their kids are fine. And so they did it, against their instincts. And found it very upsetting. But it appeared to work and now they advise it to anyone else with a kid who doesn't sleep well. I can see how things like, 'make them eat the whole packet' became so commonplace.

Original poster
Roostersmum2 · 03/05/2020 22:46

If the teachers didn't act then they are also to blame. Parents then didn't have the knowledge of ASD or other developmental disorders they do now, if they had even taken me or him to the Dr would they have been taken seriously?

That is a fair point, you're right. In the case of our DS I knew something was different as early as 12 months. I didn't know anything about autism but it was mothers intuition for me, having been around plenty of young children and seeing the difference.

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FlamingoAndJohn · 03/05/2020 22:48

Well yes it is. But it’s how parenting was years ago.
As the poem says, they fuck you up your mum and dad.

AmelieTaylor · 03/05/2020 22:52

@Abbccc. That's really not how life works.

@Hannah021. You post some weird stuff.

@Roostersmum2. She sounds like a dreadful woman. That's wasn't a completely unusual punishment in your MIL's youth - most people wouldn't have done it by the time your BIL was a teenager. But I see it more as an outdated punishment than abuse per se. You can't judge the past by today's standards. Ghastly for your BIL though, poor kid.

mathanxiety · 03/05/2020 22:53

How can a mother not know something is wrong?

I have a cousin who is deaf in one ear and mildly intellectually disabled. Nobody suspected a thing. Parents both university educated, one in the medical field. She was treated terribly in school and to the credit of her parents they stood up for her and complained about poor treatment. They got away with that because of their standing in the community. But still...

bellie710 · 03/05/2020 22:54

I know quite a few people who were caught smoking and their parents made them sit and smoke the whole packet, none of them smoke now!

WinterIsGone · 03/05/2020 22:58

But it’s how parenting was years ago.
I'm sure plenty of parents still hit their children, and plenty of parents years ago didn't. I remember my dad (who was born before WW1) saying that his parents had never hit him or his siblings, and he was the youngest of six.

YinMnBlue · 03/05/2020 23:00

I think years ago (60s 70s 80s) punishments like were dished out and considered usual

It really wasn’t usual.

I think our generation is the first to really face head on child abuse and domestic violence too

The generation who campaigned against corporal punishment in schools? The generation of feminists who campaigned for rape to be made illegal in marriage? The generation that founded Women’s Aid and refuges?

The current generation enjoys a better standard of parenting and enlightenment because if the pioneers of the previous two generations.

Arrogant unaware of history and complacent.

mathanxiety · 03/05/2020 23:00

Being forced to eat cigarettes or smoke the whole packet, consume alcohol, and putting chili sauce or oil in the mouth are horrific tortures.

They can all have deadly effects.

Carrie7469 · 03/05/2020 23:01

It's not great, bit it was years ago when people had different ideas. Just get over it. It's not your battle

WinterIsGone · 03/05/2020 23:04

Being forced to eat cigarettes or smoke the whole packet, consume alcohol, and putting chili sauce or oil in the mouth are horrific tortures.
Totally agree. I'm in my 50s, and can't imagine anyone I knew doing that when I was growing up, or even thinking it acceptable.

I remember talking to a friend not so long ago, and she mentioned washing out her son's mouth with soap when he had sworn quite recently. I thought she was joking, but reading this thread now, I wonder.

c0ffeeandcake · 03/05/2020 23:04

When I was about 15 my mum caught me smoking... she took the pack and made me smoke them one after the other, constantly without a break. I was so ill... I literally turned green.
I never touched a cigarette again

Original poster
Roostersmum2 · 03/05/2020 23:06

Just get over it

Well it was the first I had heard of it an hour ago so excuse me if I'm still appalled 60 minutes later Hmm

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PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock · 03/05/2020 23:07

It is just like many other punishments, parenting techniques or "advice". Like alcohol for babies, putting a kid's nose in their own wee for accidents, belting,smacking, caning, washing mouths with soap,hot sauce etc.

Several nurses on my mum's ward threatened their children with "naughty injections ", some even carried it out. Mum though it was hilarious.

TitianaTitsling · 03/05/2020 23:08

rooster ignore those who are saying 'get over it' some people just have to be bloody contrary at every thing!

Homestayer · 03/05/2020 23:11

c0ffeeandcake so what you are saying is that your mum making you smoke that pack of cigarettes almost certainly prolonged, if not actively saved your life.

Food for thought for all those saying its 'unjustifiable torture'.

Original poster
Roostersmum2 · 03/05/2020 23:12

Several nurses on my mum's ward threatened their children with "naughty injections ", some even carried it out.

Injections of what?! That is terrible Sad

some people just have to be bloody contrary at every thing

I've noticed this yes, such as people voting YABU when the poster is very clearly not being.

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LunaTheCat · 03/05/2020 23:13

My Mum kept threatening to “bang our heads together” . One day she did it. I saw stars and we had the most awful headache for days. Definitely child abuse now but I don’t know back in the 70’s.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 03/05/2020 23:14

Maybe its this batshit "parenting style" of the 60s-80s causing the monumental rise in adults with serious mental health issues.

Original poster
Roostersmum2 · 03/05/2020 23:16

I heard that regularly growing up "You two need your heads banging together" if I'd had a falling out with a friend or was bickering with a cousin. I never knew it was a done thing, always assumed it was lihhthearted and said in jest Shock

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Original poster
Roostersmum2 · 03/05/2020 23:19

I watch a lady on Facebook live, lovely person and alot of fun. She does raffles and what not.

She was talking about physical punishment the other day and how she's dead against it. Her father used to beat her with belts and she believes that attributed to her mental health being so erratic. She has BPD.

I do wonder whether things like that do indeed cause life long trauma. Those of you here who were hit/punished in ways that are forbidden today, do you feel as though it has caused emotional harm?

OP posts:
Tootletum · 03/05/2020 23:25

If this happened now, yes it would be abuse. It's very poor parenting at the very least. But many punishments were socially acceptable in the past that aren't now, in the same way we used to think capital punishment was acceptable. In my view abuse is cruel and unusual punishment,and those adjectives are subjective. In 2020, of course it's cruel and unusual. In 1980, my primary school headmaster had a cane behind his desk, and it was perfectly legal for him to use it.

onlinelinda · 03/05/2020 23:30

Yes it's abusive but also hypocritical.