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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother starting to be rude about lockdown

91 replies

JKD1982 · 02/05/2020 15:41

Hi ladies

I am a first time mum due in 5 weeks. My mum has been continually asking when she can visit when I am either pregnant or when baby arrives to help me.

I’ve repeatedly explained that she isn’t allowed. Not because I’m being difficult but due to the rules. She is also a bit slack in self isolating as is in a flat in London and goes on walks with a few friends. She’s recently widowed (January) so I understand she’s lonely. But I am not the answer to that, I don’t want her infecting me or my baby??

She now has started saying how hard I am going to find the first few months and that I “will need my mum” as another way to get me to allow her to visit.

AIBU to keep saying no and now start to get a bit pissed off?

OP posts:
Carolduckingbaskin · 02/05/2020 15:48

In five weeks time, it’s quite likely that she will be “allowed” to visit. Whether you want her to is a different matter of course and your personal preference.

Windyatthebeach · 02/05/2020 15:50

I have had many babies and most def never felt I needed my dm to assist in any way!! She is so wrong to be guilt tripping you to risk the health of your new baby! Not the actions of a doting dgm imo!!

MsVestibule · 02/05/2020 15:53

Would 'mum, I'm really missing you and would love to see you, but these are the current rules and I'm following them to the letter. Hopefully they'll be relaxed soon so you can come and visit as I'm sure I'll need your help when the baby comes'.

Maybe she just needs a bit a reassurance that you would love to see her and it's not personal. She's (presumably) still grieving so I'd cut her a bit of slack and stay patient with her.

RuggerHug · 02/05/2020 15:55

"I'd rather you took what's happening seriously so that you'll be around to see the baby grow up Mum so I won't be risking any of us getting it by being irresponsible."

LinManWellWellWell · 02/05/2020 15:57

I would just say ‘let’s wait and see what the situation is when the baby is born.’ It’s possible things may have changed by then. And if not this will your first experience of putting your motherly foot down!

BeyondMyWits · 02/05/2020 15:59

A lot can change in 5 weeks.

Original poster
JKD1982 · 02/05/2020 16:01

Thank you for your replies. I think I’m being overly sensitive about it and have to realise she’s sad and disappointed. I just don’t like feeling like I’m not being taken seriously. It’s not by choice it’s the rules? I think her insinuating that I won’t be able to cope with a newborn pushed me over the edge

I’ll be polite and considerate next time and say let’s wait and see what the rules are

OP posts:
Windyatthebeach · 02/05/2020 16:07

Maybe offer to help her use face time to keep in touch when the baby arrives?

Palavah · 02/05/2020 16:18

Are there any circumstances in which you would want her to come and stay with you?

ineedaholidaynow · 02/05/2020 16:21

What if the rules change, will you be happy for her to visit, as the virus isn't going away any time soon?

Lynda07 · 02/05/2020 16:23

You're not unreasonable, you cannot risk either your baby's or your health. Wait and see how things are when your baby comes, the 'rules' may have relaxed by then. If they haven't, it won't kill your mum to wait a bit longer. FGS, if you were living abroad, she'd have to.

Healthyandhappy · 02/05/2020 16:24

Are u a single mum if so maybe your mum.moves in and isolates with u

vanillandhoney · 02/05/2020 16:32

I imagine things will be very different in five weeks time.

NotTheMrMenAgain · 02/05/2020 16:33

My DM is in a similar position to yours as DF died very suddenly in January. So not only is she hugely mired down in terrible grief she's trying to deal with being alone and living alone for the first time of her life during lockdown. It's an awful, awful situation.

I thought DM was doing okay, all things considered, but it's come to light that mentally she's actually in a terrible place - suicidal and now on various medication and being assessed by a mental health team next week.

So your DM might be more than "lonely". The baby and you might be the only glimmers of hope in her life right now. I suppose it depends on what your relationship is usually like and how close you generally are.

I am heartbroken about losing my lovely DF but from what I can see it doesn't really compare to what DM is experiencing having lost her DH.

Just coming at it from a different angle - January was only 12 weeks ago, it's no time to process such a huge life changing, awful event.

It's a difficult time for you - you've got enough on your plate, having your first DC at this time. I'm not saying she can visit you, just suggesting you try to be as patient as possible. Your world is expanding, you're going to become a DM which is scary and exciting. Her world has suddenly shrunk - she's not a wife any more but a widow. You're probably right, she's probably lonely - but she might also be terrified about the future, desperately sad, struggling to find purpose in life etc. Be gentle if you can. Good luck with everything!

Couchbettato · 02/05/2020 16:39

I don't live near my mum and when I had my baby I did need her, but I didn't need her here with me. What I needed was someone to call at 3am to say "is this a heat rash or should I be worried?" Or someone to call and say that I felt shit that I hadn't had chance to shave me legs in 2 weeks or just someone to whinge at that DH just didn't understand. It's very easy, if not exhausting looking after a newborn because there's literally a checklist you can go through to make sure they're ok. Clean nappy, fed, warm, comfy, cuddled. What is difficult is having emotional support. I'm sure your mum knows she can offer you this without actually being there.
I am sorry that she lost her husband (your dad?), and perhaps she's projecting a bit because she needs some support, but we all need to be making sure we're staying safe. Stick to your guns OP.

ineedaholidaynow · 02/05/2020 16:41

OP has said she doesn't want her DM infecting her or the baby, that risk will not change even if the lockdown rules change

Whatsgoingonrightnow · 02/05/2020 16:41

It depends how close you are to her really. I did need my Mum’s assistance when my first was born but he was a difficult baby to begin with, he had severe colic from the off so just seemed to scream a lot. I naturally asked my Mum for some help because I also had PND.

If you aren’t close to yours then you probably won’t want her help.

MrsSpenserGregson · 02/05/2020 16:42

YANBU to feel this way BUT your mum was widowed in January. Her entire life was literally turned upside down .. and two months later, we have lockdown and she's totally and utterly alone. My mum went completely insane - for want of a better term - when my dad died. It's very common when people are widowed. She was literally demented with grief for months. The things she said during those dark months will haunt me for ever. I did a lot of reading on the subject of widowhood and it really is a terrible thing to go through. So cut your mum some slack.

ChainsawBear · 02/05/2020 16:45

OP has said she doesn't want her DM infecting her or the baby, that risk will not change even if the lockdown rules change

How far is OP prepared to carry that? 18 months of shielding? Because a visit from one family member is going to be a significantly lower chance of infection than e.g. going to the shops, and unless OP failed to mention a serious health condition, neither she or baby are at all likely to have complications of Covid.

Timetospare · 02/05/2020 16:50

Your poor mum, it must be extraordinarily hard for her at the moment, in the grips of grief and feeling unwanted and not needed too.

LouisaMusgrove · 02/05/2020 16:51

When I was expecting a baby, I did not have a clue how I would feel once the baby was born. I think it is much much better to realise that all your plans and ideas may very well change entirely. It is also very possible that the rules and restrictions which are currently in place will change.

Something like 'Let's wait and see' repeated a few - or a few hundred times - seems like the most sensible response.

Blondebakingmumma · 02/05/2020 16:53

I didn’t need my mother’s help when I had my kids. I can’t blame you for feeling annoyed that she has basically told you that you won’t cope without her.

Bibijayne · 02/05/2020 16:54

OP you are not being unreasonable. Due in 5 weeks could mean baby here in 3 weeks or baby here in 7 weeks.

Just tell her that you don't want her making plans yet as you don't know what the situation is. and remind her that pregnant women have been asked to shield for 12 weeks from the end of March, which is why she cannot visit before the baby is born - even if restrictions are lifted.

You may want/ need her, but you may not. So much can happen in the next few weeks. I suspect she is focusing on the new baby because of her recent widowhood, but that does not give her a right to make her wellbeing entirely the responsibility of you and your newborn. I'd keep checking in with her to make sure she is okay and is coping. Video chat is great for these things. At the moment putting her off is fine, because we don't have a clue what will be safe and okay or not in the next few weeks.

Brownyblonde · 02/05/2020 17:00

I'd let her round (if you want her round that is) Grin

saraclara · 02/05/2020 17:05

You really can't expect your mum to be her usual rational self at the moment. I don't think I made a sensible decision in the first twelve months of being widowed, never mind only three or four months in. And I'm normally super logical and rational.

Becoming a grandmother is her investment in the future, and a much needed glimmer of joy ahead. That applies to all of us when the first grandchild is on the way, never mind the recently widowed, so please cut her some slack.

Simply say (in sorrow rather than anger or frustration) that it's impossible to plan anything at the moment and that you'll just have to see what the advice is when the baby arrives.

And please don't read too much into what she says. Don't assume she's trying to guilt you when she's simply expressing her feelings or hopes.

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