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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mother starting to be rude about lockdown

91 replies

JKD1982 · 02/05/2020 15:41

Hi ladies

I am a first time mum due in 5 weeks. My mum has been continually asking when she can visit when I am either pregnant or when baby arrives to help me.

I’ve repeatedly explained that she isn’t allowed. Not because I’m being difficult but due to the rules. She is also a bit slack in self isolating as is in a flat in London and goes on walks with a few friends. She’s recently widowed (January) so I understand she’s lonely. But I am not the answer to that, I don’t want her infecting me or my baby??

She now has started saying how hard I am going to find the first few months and that I “will need my mum” as another way to get me to allow her to visit.

AIBU to keep saying no and now start to get a bit pissed off?

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/05/2020 17:07

As others have said, 12 weeks since your dad / her husband died is really nothing. In fact a couple of years isn’t either.

You really don’t know how you’ll feel after the baby is born or what sort of birth you will have. Will you be playing it by ear or planning?

Depending on how close you are to your mum and if you are planning on her visiting, maybe take some time to put ground rules in place. Eg 14 days isolation, beforehand meaning she will have to forgo seeing friends or perhaps isolate together with a friend for a fortnight. That will require prep, such as online deliveries of food and perhaps you could help her with this. I’m getting deliveries for family members myself as I’m more persistent at checking.

Your mum is understandably getting excited. This is probably the first thing to happen for her in a long time. It’s an anxious time for her as well even though it sounds as if she’s going about it the wrong way.

ChainsawBear · 02/05/2020 17:08

remind her that pregnant women have been asked to shield for 12 weeks from the end of March
...no they haven't. Unless they have serious heart conditions. Many pregnant women who are not in their 3rd trimester are working on the medical frontline. They've been advised to stringently social distance, where possible.

Fair enough if OP doesn't want her to come round during lockdown but it could be up to 7 weeks until she gives birth and it's been made clear that we have to live with the virus for at least the next 12-18 months, which means gradually restarting normal life.

Worriedmum54321 · 02/05/2020 17:11

I think her insinuating that I won’t be able to cope with a newborn pushed me over the edge

Yes I had this as well from both mother and MIL. As it was, I found I didn't need any help. Two adults can definitely care for one newborn, and more easily without extra relatives hanging around! So I didn't invite them very often. If only they had said 'i really want to see the baby' (which is what they really meant, I now realise) instead of 'you won't cope' , I would have invited them much more often!

diddl · 02/05/2020 17:12

You might not need any help, but all you can do is see how it goes & see what the advice is then re visiting.

Perhaps try to tell her you'll just have to wait & see?

B1rdbra1n · 02/05/2020 17:13

She ignores your wishes, serve her up the same menu and ignore what she wants

Lynda07 · 02/05/2020 17:16

Healthyandhappy Sat 02-May-20 16:24:29
Are u a single mum if so maybe your mum.moves in and isolates with u
..........
Will she isolate with the op, though, or will she be going out and about as well as helping. She is socialising at present.

I haven't seen where the op has said she'll be a single mum but will look back.

Nanny0gg · 02/05/2020 17:16

B1rdbra1n
How about being kind as she's recently widowed and on her own?

1forAll74 · 02/05/2020 17:20

You can cope perfectly well with a baby on your own, but it's sad that your Mum is being a bit difficult, but heyho, she will have to follow the rules.

WyfOfBathe · 02/05/2020 17:21

remind her that pregnant women have been asked to shield for 12 weeks from the end of March, which is why she cannot visit before the baby is born - even if restrictions are lifted.

This isn't true. Pregnant women are 'vulnerable' not 'shielded'. Many are still working.

aimzxd · 02/05/2020 17:25

I'd have much preferred my mum and others not to visit the first month or 2 I got home. The house was a mess, I was spending time getting to know my baby. I did not need the extra stress of family visiting because theyre judgy so i had to gut the house daily, while shattered and trying to look after a new born. With baby 2, visits are getting banned for the first 4 weeks at least.

FizzyGreenWater · 02/05/2020 17:28

She now has started saying how hard I am going to find the first few months and that I “will need my mum” as another way to get me to allow her to visit.

Hmmmmm. In my experience, the kind of people who will try and steamroller, manipulate and guilt you into doing things the way they want them are EXACTLY the kind of people to avoid when you have a newborn. If it's your mum who is all set to be Granny MeMeMe then that goes double.

You will need space, peace, and people who are willing to quietly support you while YOU get the hang of things and get to know your baby. You will very much not need someone intent on pushing her needs into your face too. It's a sure-fire way to get stressed, and fall out, and that would be a shame.

I just don’t like feeling like I’m not being taken seriously.

You will like that even less when you have the responsibility of a newborn, and you're actually doing fine, and she's pushing her own agenda.

I think her insinuating that I won’t be able to cope with a newborn pushed me over the edge

And that's where you draw the line - really, or as I said above - you will fall out. And that's the last thing either of you need, really, especially as she is bereaved.

Use this to your advantage. Be firm, mainly to let her know that no, you won't be pushed around regarding the baby - you'll be mum, what you say will go. Definitely use the 'wait and see' line - and make it clear that regardless, what you will need is uncritical support, and a lot of peace and quiet, a lot of time just with the baby, and that wouldn't change with no lockdown. Shut down any crap about you not coping - 'Mum, I'm sure that didn't come out as you meant it. If you're going to start undermining me by suggesting that I won't cope with my own baby then no, you'd be the last person I'd want around me. Don't say things like that, I don't want us to be on bad terms.'

PaytoLie · 02/05/2020 17:29

I’ll be blunt here, it doesn’t matter if she’s recently widowed, that does not excuse her stupidity at wanting to come round during such a risky time. If she can’t listen to your wants and needs now, then what else will she ignore? Just keep telling her she can’t come round because it isn’t safe. Unless she wants to visit you both in a grave she needs to listen.

StirCrazy2020 · 02/05/2020 17:30

I remember getting really angry at people making suggestions or implying I would find aspects of new parenting hard. It was like they thought I was getting it or was going to do it "wrong" or not coping, whereas it was mostly well intentioned concern because it IS bloody hard.

See where you are in five weeks and just make vague noises now, change the subject. It's wrong of her to push it when its making you anxious. Perhaps say that. "discussing this is making me feel anxious, please can we talk about something else and worry about this nearer the time". Best of luck though OP, must be hard being pregnant at this time.

Yallreadyforthis · 02/05/2020 17:32

For heaven's sake OP....

Your mum was just widowed. Reality is probably just starting to hit her - her whole life is different and she has to try and work out how to build a new life for herself. She was probably hoping to count on her kids for support, and she probably thought being a grandma would be an important part of her new normal.
Then along comes the pandemic.

So, she has these two huge, strange things to deal with- grief and lockdown. And she's dealing with it on her own. I think in her situation, I would go for walks with friends too. And if I were her friend, I would be happy to take a considered risk for her.
And the one big happy thing she has to look forward to ( albeit she is probably expressing it badly) is you and your little one, but you are annoyed by it.

Maybe be a bit kinder.

longtimemarried · 02/05/2020 17:32

JKD - my husband died suddenly a few weeks ago, and I also am in lockdown. The grief is overwhelming so I can well understand what your mother is going through. I do hope your situation will improve, as I feel your mum needs you rather than visa versa.

Runmybathforme · 02/05/2020 17:35

Your DM is so deep in grief at the moment, she’s not in her right mind. Losing your DF is awful, but really doesn’t compare. I’m not saying you’re not right, but just be kind.
I definitely needed my DM when I had my first.

1forsorrow · 02/05/2020 17:36

You're her baby, she doesn't really think you won't cope she just knows it can be hard and she'd like to help for her benefit as much as yours. When I was pregnant the first thing my MIL said, "Was never ask me to babysit." We never did. It was only when she died and we found photos of her with that baby, on the back she had written how much she wished she could spend more time with her. I guess we thought we were doing what she wanted, she never offered to help but she said something daft and then stood by it. Sad but true.

Hope it goes well.

FizzyGreenWater · 02/05/2020 17:39

OP can be kind, very kind - and at the same time keep her boundaries around her own birth and the safety of her baby intact.

If her mum is going to try and push her own agenda when she's just given birth, they are going to fall out.

Now, that would be the worst outcome of all, so it makes sense for OP to gently reinforce what she wants to happen, with her baby, so it doesn't end in bad feeling all round. Seems sensible.

Alsohuman · 02/05/2020 17:46

Your poor mother, she’s newly bereaved and on her own with her first grandchild the only thing she has to look forward to.

I was a stickler for the rules. I remember telling my mum that she couldn’t hold her first (and as it turned out only) grandchild in hospital because it was against the rules. I can still see the look of hurt on her face 45 years later and I regret it every time I think of it.

Your child will be at far greater risk of infection in hospital immediately after their birth. I’d ask her to isolate for two weeks before the birth and throw the bloody rules on the fire if it was me.

saraclara · 02/05/2020 17:48

There are a few really nasty posts on this thread.
As a widowed new grandmother I find them really hard to read. Some are putting the worst possible spin on what she said and her motives, and then recommending that OP punish her in some way. That's pretty heartless.

Twigletfairy · 02/05/2020 17:52

I never needed my mum either. Think i saw her about twice in the first 3 months.

Due to the circumstances it may actually be that she needs you far more than you need her right now. I can see how frustrating it must be for you, I would just try and keep in mind that she may be struggling

Original poster

JKD1982 · 02/05/2020 17:58

I don’t want to punish her at all. I am completely understanding how hard it is for her being lonely and widowed and in her situation yes I would probably be seeing some friends sensibly.

I just feel it’s impossible to make plans now. I don’t know when I’ll have the baby. No one knows when the lockdown rules will be lifted. Or when the fear of infection and NHS capacity will lessen. And I don’t know if I will want help with a newborn and want time to bond with my husband and new baby. I just can’t promise her when she will be allowed to visit and me saying “wait and see“ doesn’t seem to be enough. I feel helpless when she calls and goes between sad and angry with me. I don’t want to be mean but I keep repeating the same thing and it isn’t working

OP posts:

Gawdsake2020 · 02/05/2020 18:01

She’s your mum. Just be honest.
Rather hurtful she accused you of not coping with a newborn without her, in my experience my mum just got in the way when my DC were newborns.

Lynda07 · 02/05/2020 18:08

FizzyGreenWater Sat 02-May-20 17:39:36
OP can be kind, very kind - and at the same time keep her boundaries around her own birth and the safety of her baby intact.

If her mum is going to try and push her own agenda when she's just given birth, they are going to fall out.

Now, that would be the worst outcome of all, so it makes sense for OP to gently reinforce what she wants to happen, with her baby, so it doesn't end in bad feeling all round. Seems sensible.
.......
I agree.

sonjadog · 02/05/2020 18:17

A few months on from such a bereavement, her emotions are likely to be up and down and all over the place. And as well as dealing with that, she has had to deal with the whole corona situation. Your poor mum. When she is angry or upset with you, do you not think it might be displaced emotions about everything else going on? Could you not be a bit extra kind to her rather than getting annoyed? Regarding visiting the baby, stick with the "wait and see" and then see what the situation is when the baby is born.

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