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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mother starting to be rude about lockdown

91 replies

JKD1982 · 02/05/2020 15:41

Hi ladies

I am a first time mum due in 5 weeks. My mum has been continually asking when she can visit when I am either pregnant or when baby arrives to help me.

I’ve repeatedly explained that she isn’t allowed. Not because I’m being difficult but due to the rules. She is also a bit slack in self isolating as is in a flat in London and goes on walks with a few friends. She’s recently widowed (January) so I understand she’s lonely. But I am not the answer to that, I don’t want her infecting me or my baby??

She now has started saying how hard I am going to find the first few months and that I “will need my mum” as another way to get me to allow her to visit.

AIBU to keep saying no and now start to get a bit pissed off?

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 02/05/2020 18:23

Could you persuade her to self-isolate so that she can come and see the baby?

I appreciate that might be too hard for her at present.

Badassmama · 02/05/2020 18:27

I lost my dad years ago. It was so hard on us all, especially my mum. Because she could be a bit self oriented (or at least appear that way), when I had my first baby last year, I asked my sister to come instead of her. We found out a week later she was very ill and needed an MRI. She was too sick to come down by a week after the birth so I took my 2 week old son on a three hour train journey to see her. She died 3 months after he was born.
In hindsight? If I could go back, I would beg her to come and stay with me.
I don’t know how my personal experience can inform yours, and you have to do what’s right for you. Just remember that sometimes, what you end up regretting most is the experiences you miss out on. I hope this helps.

saraclara · 02/05/2020 18:33

Saying how hard it will be in the first few months, isn't putting you down or implying you'll be useless!! Isn't it what everyone says? New mums say it to their friends who are about to give birth, and it's not a veiled criticism! It IS really hard, and loads of people post on mumsnet saying how they need their mums (but not their MILs!)

I think you're over-thinking that comment, and some posters are putting the worst possible spin on it, as MN is prone to do (had anyone accused her of narcissism yet?)

Again, simply say to her, that life is so weird and confusing at the moment, that it's really hard for you to plan ahead. And that actually it's making this last few weeks of pregnancy really stressful, so could you both not talk about it for a bit? And reassure her that whatever the guidelines, you'll give her the best possible chance within them to be part of your baby's life on those early weeks.

diddl · 02/05/2020 18:43

"Saying how hard it will be in the first few months, isn't putting you down or implying you'll be useless!! Isn't it what everyone says?"

Well not in my experience as surely people just don't know?

The broken nights take some getting used to but you might be able to catch up on sleep in the day-who knows?

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/05/2020 18:48

Why can’t you ask her to self isolate for 2 weeks as has been suggested? What about my possibly solution, whereby she isolates with a friend if able and you / she organises food deliveries?

Your mum has just lost her life partner. That means you need to come up with the solutions, she’s not in the place to do it right now.

Alsohuman · 02/05/2020 18:53

I thought the first few weeks with a new baby would be easy and I wouldn’t need any help. A belief reinforced by one of the easiest births ever. It wasn’t long before the most welcome sight in the world was my mum’s face when I opened the front door.

sunflowersandtulips50 · 02/05/2020 18:55

I wouldnt get worked up about it. Your mum is in a bad place and is in the middle of grieving. She will be excited about the up coming birth of her grandchild and she is likely trying to tell you she would like to spend time with you all when the little one is born. However she isnt expressing herself well , i think it is hard for some people to admit there struggling after a bereavement and she must be terribly lonely. 5 weeks is a long time, the lockdown may shift slightly which will likely allow her to come and visit. She however has a duty to ensure she is doing her bit by social distancing. Thats what I would be telling her

diddl · 02/05/2020 18:56

Was it so much about help as company though, Alsohuman?

What did you need help with?

Or did you have a baby that couldn't be put down?

Original poster

JKD1982 · 02/05/2020 19:05

Also the issue is if she does come to stay (she’s 2 hours away only so not so far) how long should I offer? We have a good relationship but I don’t want her thinking she can move in?

This would be different if she hasn’t been widowed recently and of course the COVID rules and fears of contamination.

I will be kinder and more understanding and just see what the next few weeks bring. Thanks for all the advice. I really appreciate the balanced view and other peoples perspective. Lockdown makes personal relationships and arguments feel so much worse as it’s easier to dwell on it

OP posts:

timeforawine · 02/05/2020 19:08

Your following the rules OP, dont let her make you feel bad. Hopefully it might have relaxed a little by the time baby arrives.
I'm another who didn't need my mum when i had my baby, coped just fine. Appreciate its different for everyone though

bingbong1970 · 02/05/2020 19:08

Must...... Follow.... Rules..... Must..... Follow..... Rules.....

LouisaMusgrove · 02/05/2020 19:14

I always find the 'I just want time to bond/to be our own little family' posts something a bit alien to my personal experience. Yes, you don't want tn endless succession of visitors who expect to be entertained. And an upside of the current horrendous situation means that isn't going to happen.

I think the idea of 'bonding' time seems to be relatively new. My understanding is that unless giving birth is associated with depression - or people whisking your baby away because your baby is seriously - ill it's something that ordinarily happens.

Of course it may be that there are superwomen out there who instantaneously/instinctively adapt to broken nights/breastfeeding/having a new and wholly vulnerable being around, while simultaneously adjusting to the extremely physical business of having pushed out a baby who know precisely how to soothe every cry - and yes, some babies are easy.

But in most cultures, other than in our extremely individualistic society, people do receive help and support in the days after labour. One of the difficulties for very new mothers who have just given/are just going to give birth in the time of Covid-19 is that immediate support is far less easily available.

Popcat120 · 02/05/2020 19:21

My mil is the same regarding the rules of lockdown.
Last Monday she just turned up at the window, she my OH felt Obliged to go for a socially Distanced walk. With her and our DS.
He had to stop her picking him up.
She did this because she knows I work Mondays...
And I can guarantee she will think its OK to come again Monday now. And it's really not.
She claims that Mondays are 'her' days with our DS just because my mum usually has him every Wednesday.

She's a pain in the arse.

Id just say to your mum, let's just see how things are when baby is here...

LittleTopic · 02/05/2020 19:49

I need my mum lots. We would see each other every day - she’s my childcare usually. But she hasn’t seen her granddaughter for seven weeks because of this because the risks are just too high. Your mum is probably lonely, but her attitude is also selfish. Hundreds of thousands of people are sacrificing seeing their family.

TheBouquets · 02/05/2020 19:58

There seems to be a complete underestimation of how OP's DM will be feeling right now. She just lost her husband and that is the worst experience I have ever had. I didn't know what to do with myself I was shocked and terribly unhappy. I had things to do which kept me very busy but even so I woke up crying every morning for ages. It is all very well to think that others are around for comfort and company but as well meant and as much appreciated as that is I just wanted to speak to my DH to ask about this or that. People would say phone if you need anything but I didn't. All I really wanted was my DH. Even now I would really love to have DH to hug me or to talk about things. Maybe OP's DM is worried sick that she will lose others in the current situation. Poor lady being locked in the house with no-one. There is a lot of talk about how all this will affect our mental health but I don't know how damaging it would be to be recently bereaved and having to be constantly alone. No wonder she tries to see others. It is a very hard time. Now it look like she might not be able to see her grandchild for ages after it is born. It all must look very bleak for a lady in those situations.
Cut your DM some slack and although you probably cant understand this is the isolating worst possible thing to happen so soon after her bereavement

thereplycamefromanchorage · 02/05/2020 19:58

Your mum is not being selfish, as some posters seem to suggest. She has been very recently bereaved, and then thrown into lockdown. I don't know what the answer is, but I think some compassion is needed.

EricaNernie · 02/05/2020 20:17

Does she not watch the news at all op?

Lemonpink88 · 02/05/2020 20:18

Op I’m due similar time as you are-congratulations!
I think I am quite sensitive at the moment & it sounds like maybe you might be too? This morning my mum text saying ‘we’ need to sort out a few bits for my older son & I just took offence that I can’t do that on my own.
I do think u need a plan, we have one for the birth- I was unwell wen I had my first & it’s nice to have support when u have a newborn. It sounds like she is really grieving & can imagine she might cling onto you now but try & be calm, harness her help to ur advantage if possible xx

heartsonacake · 02/05/2020 20:21

Why not just say to her you’ll wait and see what the situation is like in 5 weeks time?

EricaNernie · 02/05/2020 20:32

can you not see her in a garden?

Ilets · 02/05/2020 20:39

This was an enormously sad post. Your poor mum. Does she have other family or friends who can support her? I am afraid to say that the people I know who are recently bereaved are really not coping with lockdown. I would check in with her very regularly and try to offer her hope for the future

EricaNernie · 02/05/2020 20:46

oh i see meeting in a garden is not really possible, unless you both want to drive for one hour and meet in a park?

If the baby arrives and things are still strict, would she agree to self isolating before visiting?

saraclara · 02/05/2020 21:00

Lockdown makes personal relationships and arguments feel so much worse as it’s easier to dwell on it

Seriously, that is SO true. I'm having my first really down day of lockdown because I'm worried about a video call interaction with my daughter earlier today. Normally seeing her and having a hug would solve it. But because that's not an option I'm really dwelling on it and feeling so sad.

You sound lovely, and of course you're bereaved too, having lost your dad. So I'm sure both you and your mum are only too aware of him missing seeing his grandchild. I'm sure you'll be kind to her, and I'm sure she has faith in you being a great mum. But you're both going through this loss and this new life at such an uncertain time.

Good luck, and I re-iterate that simply acknowledging with her that these are really difficult times for you both and that you don't want to try to plan ahead as it's so painful, is the best way to go.

Lynda07 · 03/05/2020 05:08

thereplycamefromanchorage Sat 02-May-20 19:58:07
Your mum is not being selfish, as some posters seem to suggest. She has been very recently bereaved, and then thrown into lockdown. I don't know what the answer is, but I think some compassion is needed.
......
People are sorry for the mum, poor woman, but she must realise going to visit her daughter will endanger their health at this time. She can wait a bit longer, surely? It's the not knowing when it will all be over that is the biggest problem.

Having been bereaved last year and in many ways, it still not really hitting me, I have to say lockdown has helped. I hated having to see and deal with people, now I don't have to. I'm well aware this situation won't last forever but right now I have respite.

MindyStClaire · 03/05/2020 07:04

Oh your poor mum, what a horrible set of circumstances.

If the rules have relaxed and it's allowed for her to visit, will you be happy for her to do so then? If so, I'd compare it to following the safe sleep guidelines. "I know the risk is small, but if god forbid anything did happen, I need to be able to tell myself that I followed all of the rules and guidelines to the best of my ability or I'd never forgive myself. Same as I won't be putting the baby to sleep on its tummy, even though generations did before. As soon as it's allowed, we can't wait to see you and let you have a cuddle."

Honestly, I'm expecting a baby this summer, and if grandparents can visit I'm far more worried about us picking up covid in the hospital and infecting them than them infecting any of us. We're all lower risk in this house, including a healthy newborn, than my parents or PIL. That argument might win you a fortnight after the birth (arguing as above "I just couldn't forgive myself if I gave it to you"), but in her shoes I'd probably be happy to take the risk so it might not!

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