Non resident parents don't like paying child support do they?

[Moomin8]

Or is that just my experience?

My ex husband paid maintenance after we split at the rate suggested by his solicitor. One day he suddenly stopped because he wanted to pay his credit cards off and he also felt he was paying too much. I contacted the CSA (at the time) and he ignored them and ended up doing a deduction of earnings order. And they figured out that he owed more not less. A few years later he had a big pay rise, did not tell them so he managed to under pay me for years.

Now, my baby's dad who I don't live with had said to me before she was born that he'd use the government website to work it out & I said fine.

Then about 2 months ago he suddenly decided to halve it, apparently because he didn't get any commission that month. I've never seen his payslips so I've trusted him to be honest.

I suggested we ask the CMS to calculate it because that's fair and he hit the roof. Has been absolutely vile to me in messages and has now blocked me.

He has not lost his job or been furloughed had recently decided to buy our daughter a £500 number plate for her car which I argued she doesn't actually need right now but she does need clothes and formula etc!

Women who are nrp don't pay either, we don't get a penny for 3 children (two different mothers). Both are self employed and fiddle the figures/ claim benefits fraudulently (and yes we know that for a fact.)

OP, of course he's got something to hide, he's been underpaying you.

Go through the CMS and it stops him holding the maintenance over you.

Women who are nrp don't pay either, we don't get a penny for 3 children (two different mothers)

That’s almost unbelievably unlucky isn’t it given the vanishingly small number of women who are NRP!

@drawbelow

It's crap whether the nrp is male or female. There is just not enough done is there to make it right.

All the while instead of passing laws for this type of thing we have people in parliament focusing on things that just literally need to take a back seat.

@PorpentiaScamander hopefully they’ll both have been furloughed and get 80% of the fuck-all they declared. 👍🏻

@drawbelow - did you DP get told he was a rubbish judge of character and should have kept his legs shut ? Or was he showered with support and treated like a hero for looking after his own children

The RP’s wage shouldn’t come into it. RP works hard so gets paid a decent salary, why should they get any less CM from the NRP? The NRP should always pay a fair amount towards their child’s upbringing, they helped create the child after all.

Anyway I was astonished by how my ex’s attitude towards our DC changed too. He was a decent Father before we split and to begin with after the split too. He then met his GF who has two children of her own and sort of forgot our DC . Chooses to raise someone else’s children now instead, he’s even taken them on holiday and left his own children behind... Such a bizarre way to act, trust me I do know and it enrages me if I let it.

@Winterwoolies they both don't work so have nothing to be furloughed from sadly. If they did I would have laughed long and loud when they got 80% of nothing.

CMS should take both parents wages into account not just the non residents my ex thinks this as well. So not only should I juggle full time work and childcare (thank fuck for my mum) but I dont have time for a new relationship (well I was in one for 2.5 years but sadly it didnt work out - in part due to our lack of child free time), but he should get away with not paying because I earn more than him.
Meanwhile he jumped from woman to woman until he found one stupid enough to marry him. Quit his job to help her with her kids(apparently she couldn't manage them on her own). Then have 3 more kids and use them as an excuse to spend even less time and money on our DC.
Yep sounds fair.
No wonder I had a nervous breakdown which means I rarely leave the house and can't work at the moment.

@PorpentiaScamander sounds a nightmare

@thequeenbeyondthewall, but I guess I’d been a little obsessive about ‘being sure’. I’d engineered chances for him to interact with other babies and watched his he was. We’d babysat overnight for his sister and I’d watched him get up with his niece. We’d babysat for friends and he’d changed nappies and paced up and down without dragging our friends back from their night out. He’d suggested savings accounts in advance. He bought the baby books. He’d sit up with me whilst I breastfed just to rub my back and bring me water. When we moved to bottles, I was at home but still he encouraged me to sleep in the spare room Fri and Sat night to get 2 full nights sleep each week. But we’d discussed this well before; for years. Just like we discussed finances in detail and how we’d educate them etc. It’s why I made him wait 17yrs until I was sure.

But yes, I take the point that I could never be 100% sure and he could have completely changed. But I’m still amazed when I read that it seems on MN that the majority of men do behave like mine did for so long yet still dramatically change when the baby comes along. As the mother of 2 sons it concerns me. Are we all just bringing up men who will happily be so duplicitous as to pretend to be loving, competent and measured who will then just act so disgracefully? That really worries me.

@Neednewwellies .... You waited 17 years to have children with someone ? I wasn't remotely interested in children before 34. I'd have been a scientific miracle if i'd followed your example

@Brainfogmcfogface - just read your post and I'd hate to meet your ex. Battling to see my DC and paying double the CMS amount, and he has the audacity to not see his kids if you go to CMS?!?!!

How is it a miracle to have a baby at 35?

@Moomin8 thanks for you too.
I can't pretend it's been easy and that I haven't struggled.

But ultimately I've got the most amazing boys. They know who does the hard graft. They know their dad doesn't pay for them.

They are wonderful and amazing and I'm so proud they are mine!

Moomin I think the point Chrissie is making is that some people don't settle down with a partner and think about children until their mid 30s, so if you want children you can't wait 17 years after that or you'd be in your 50s.

@ChrissieKeller61, yes. We met at the start of university and were together since then. I refused to consider having children until we were financially secure. We didn’t go out or go on holiday or have take away etc for 3yrs because I wanted to make sure that literally every penny it allocated to bills was in savings if we had a baby. I didn’t want a baby until I reached 30 either so it was fine before. But the years after were harder but I’d have rather not had children than had children in difficult financial circumstances. This was because I grew up in poverty. I knew I wanted to marry him by the time I was 21 but I didn’t agree to marry him until I was 30 because I wanted to be sure I knew him as much as possible. Clearly from this thread other women do this and their partners still turn out to have been hiding their true self for many years so clearly in my case it was equal weighting between judgement and luck.

I didn’t think about children until after 30 either 🤷‍♀️ Just because I met DH at 18 doesn’t mean I held off the urge for 17yrs. Just that I felt I knew him better.

Ah I see thank you @Waxonwaxoff0

@Neednewwellies I don't mean to sound harsh but there's an air of smugness in your posts, like you did everything the right way and if other women followed your example they'd have nothing to worry about. I did everything the wrong way, I had my DS at 22 and we were absolutely skint but still my ex is a brilliant father and pays maintenance without me even asking. A shit father is a shit father, whether you've been together 10 months or 10 years, it still doesn't mean that women shouldn't have expectations of them when the woman gets pregnant, it takes 2 to make a baby.

My Husband’s ex resents paying for her daughter too. We get £8 a week via CMS and frequently misses payments. When CMS rings her she pays straight away so they won’t move to pay and collect. So I’m sure she just does it to inconvenience her.

£8.00 a week and no overnights. Barely even texted her daughter to ask if she’s ok. It’s been 6 weeks again since she’s heard from her.

She meets a new man, has more children then they’re her focus and she forgets about the ones she already has. She loses interest in the ones that don’t belong to her current squeeze.

Don't you think though that the reason men so often behave this way, and the reason that it is often specifically men is that society enables and actively encourages it.

When you think about all the misogynistic narratives that are still believed by many today.

For example,

That women trick men into having babies.

That men are actually infantile themselves and can't be expected to behave with responsibility.

That women are money grabbers who want to fleece their exes

That men shouldn't have to be 'trapped'

That it's hard on a man to expect him to be good at caring for children and, by extension paying for them as well

Etc, etc etc...

No, no smugness. As I just said, clearly judging by this thread, mine is a mix of judgement and luck.
And of course a shit man will be a shit father and it’s great that yours was not. And yes, absolutely mother’s are entitled to expect fathers to provide for their children. Absolutely. My point I guess was that maybe some of these men must surely show their true colours beforehand. There’s so many threads on here of women struggling to pay for stuff when in Mat leave and struggling as their partner does nothing at home. It turns out they never fully explored how finances would work beforehand, many actually happily place housewife before then inexplicably believed it would change when they had a baby.
So absolutely a lot of it is luck. But I think many of these feckless wankers could be weeded out with a bit more time and research. Not that that’s any excuse for them to shirk their responsibility once a baby is here. But I would have had palpitations at the thought of marrying or having babies with anyone I hadn’t got to know thoroughly over as many years as possible knowing they views and thoughts on virtually everything.

@Waxonwaxoff0, and no, you don’t sound harsh and I’m sorry if I sounded smug. But I’m often surprised at people. I’m the sort of person who literally doubled up on contraception for many years just in case.

@Moomin8 I posted this the last time you posted about this.

Go to CMS you need the money to buy the things your baby needs stop letting this man dick you around and control what you can and can't afford.