Non resident parents don't like paying child support do they?

[Moomin8]

Or is that just my experience?

My ex husband paid maintenance after we split at the rate suggested by his solicitor. One day he suddenly stopped because he wanted to pay his credit cards off and he also felt he was paying too much. I contacted the CSA (at the time) and he ignored them and ended up doing a deduction of earnings order. And they figured out that he owed more not less. A few years later he had a big pay rise, did not tell them so he managed to under pay me for years.

Now, my baby's dad who I don't live with had said to me before she was born that he'd use the government website to work it out & I said fine.

Then about 2 months ago he suddenly decided to halve it, apparently because he didn't get any commission that month. I've never seen his payslips so I've trusted him to be honest.

I suggested we ask the CMS to calculate it because that's fair and he hit the roof. Has been absolutely vile to me in messages and has now blocked me.

He has not lost his job or been furloughed had recently decided to buy our daughter a £500 number plate for her car which I argued she doesn't actually need right now but she does need clothes and formula etc!

perhaps that should be a warning bell to choose the fathers of your children more wisely. my ex was always disgusted with his own dad who didn't pay maintenance and promised he would always do the 'right thing' if we split. Which he did. Until he met his now wife.
Then he reduced my maintenance and phoned me up and laughed about the fact he was allowed to do so (because she had DC of her own). Then I got "well why should I give you money to go out and get pissed and shag random men. Sarah (not her real name) doesn't get anything from her ex so why should you?". Then he decided that they would send me her sons old clothes instead of maintenance. Summer clothes in November and no money to actually feed my DC was helpful .
The pair of them have fiddled their finances in such a way that he doesn't have to pay me a penny according the CMS. And boy does he love that!

Oh and for the record I've never been out getting pissed and shagging random men. I was single for 7 years after he left because I was too busy looking after the DC to have a relationship.

The fact that he gets furious when you mention the CMS suggests he does have something to hide, but it's pointless speculating.
Maintenance is for your daughter. It's paid to you, but it's her right. Your duty is to ensure that she has what she's entitled to.

However you can't generalise and say all NRPs are like this (although most are IME). I have a lovely male NRP friend. He doesn't begrudge his ex a penny of the maintenance he pays, which is above the CMS amount. He also gives her extra as and when she needs it. And has the DC close to 50/50. Because they are his DC too and he doesn't want them to go without.

Oh and for the record I've never been out getting pissed and shagging random men

Even if you were making your way through the phone book at pace, it still wouldn’t make a scrap of difference for what he should be providing for his children! What an absolute scumbag! Hope he realises his DC will hold him in contempt, just like he felt towards his own father.

Tbf, it's true that I am not good at choosing partners. Not least because I'm autistic & tend to miss the signs that someone isn't going to be very nice.

I wanted to see if this is the same for NT people as a generalisation.

I wanted to see if there's anyone who's ex did not begrudge paying a contribution and no problems.

My friends ex husband hasn't paid a penny of maintenance for their two children who are now 15 and 13 but he went off and had another baby with someone else. That's a situation I wouldn't have allowed to go on without contacting the CMS.

My ex has paid since day one. Private arrangement straight into my bank account, never missed a payment, pays over the CMA suggested amount and gives me extra when I ask for it, no questions asked. I think my situation is the exception rather than the norm unfortunately.

CMS is also pretty useless, or at least it was when I was a kid- not sure about now. My father still didn't pay the ridiculously low amount they said he should be paying.
I hope they are better now at chasing and making sure they pay.

My partner pays his ex £1000 per month with no quibbles. He is kept from seeing the kids much by his ex but never quibbles on the cash because he is just a good guy. There are some about

I can vouch that they are not.

My ex h owes my DD a few grand and he pays it back at £10 a month. She will be in her 40's by the time it's paid off.

They just add all the missed payments to the debt and then do fuck about it.

He pays a month, skips three and repeat. They won't enforce anything because he pays now and again. They are beyond useless in my experience.

It baffles me that people genuinely think it's acceptable not to pay for their children, just because they don't live with them and resent the fact that their XP will be the one spending the money.

Those that say the kids will resent him etc, you do realise actually they are grateful for every little crumb flicked their way and god help you if you criticise him right ?

When they have their own kids they will understand more.

It's infuriating. Mine pays £40 a week which goes nowhere at the moment trying to entertain the boys, they've needed new shoes, clothes for the warm weather, sun cream, home ED stuff, and a lot of extra food. The bills are higher with us being at home more, and all the extra washing I'm doing. Ex is an accountant and high up in his firm, working 7 day weeks all of April, had a promotion, and is working from his mums office (at her house), so no bills/rent/food/travel costs etc. He's raking it in and I'm on the absolute edge of a breakdown.

He says he can't pay more because he needs to save up for the deposit for his own place. Well great for him eh. I wish I was in the position to have that luxury.

My Exh pays £50 a week for two kids He resents me having this as ‘it’s a lot of money’
It Doesn’t even cover the shopping bill

He does a lot of cash in hand work so he doesn’t have to pay me ( or the tax man)

Grr. There Definitely should be a better system

@Straycatstrut is your ex self employed?

That seems to be the loophole by which most NRPs shirk their responsibilities.

I have found that the new CMS is much more efficient than when it was the CSA. With the CSA you had to phone every week to check they were actually doing work on your case. The CMS seems to operate more like the tax credit office and it's more professionally run imo.

My ex husband now pays what they tell him to and they don't need to collect it. He learned the hard way not to ignore them after they ended up having to take a lump sum off him.

@Waxonwaxoff it's good to know that some do the right thing.

My DD dad has always paid the maintenance he owes according to the government calculator. I know he resents it but he still pays. So it's not every one

I’ve just posted on the other thread as I’m always stunned at how many of these men exist? I do find it amazing that they never exhibited any dickish behaviour prior to having a baby together or whilst you were together with a young baby.
I am separated though not yet divorced. I continue to live in the house and DH continues to pay the mortgage and generous maintenance to me. He recognises that I let my career slip to support his. He has often said how disgraceful it is that the law doesn’t force men to pay for their children. I just don’t understand how it is that these deadbeat wankers are so many or is it just that we don’t hear about all the normal decent dads like my ex?

Not my own experience but a close relative of mine was married for years and had 3 children with her ex husband. He was a good dad to the kids in general while they were married and an ok husband. They split for various reasons but she would think in a million years that he'd dodge paying and not see the kids once they split. That's exactly what happened! He met someone new and she's never seen a penny to support the 3 kids and he hasn't seen any of them for over 2 years (his choice).

So really it doesn't matter whether you knew them for 10 years before having a child or 10 minutes. It's the child they owe the support to, not the mother/father so it's irreverent what relationship the parents had, the NRP has a loyalty to the child/ren. That needs to be spoken about more in my view. An RP would be done for neglect if they did not financially support their child so NRP's should be the same. Don't support your child? It's neglect. You're the parent and it's your job to support them whether they live with you or not

My DH is a step father to the SS he had with his ex. Together ten years. Knew him since he was two.

Pays maintenance because it's the right thing to do as he is his father figure. He loves him.

I love him too and he sees me as his SM.

One of the reasons I fell for my DH is because of his views where this is concerned.

My ex is with a new partner, not paying anything and about to have another child. The women he is with, how does she think this is right. If he did it to me, he will do it to her.

My ex husband is great we agree between us what to pay and sort any ups and downs out by talking. When the boys were babies he shared coats of equipment too, and takes turns for uniform now but it’s very rare I know.

I’d go to CMS. There’s a reason he’s shitting himself and he’s blocked you so you have nothing to lose. Ignore him now and go through official channels

decided to buy our daughter a £500 number plate for her car which I argued she doesn't actually need right now but she does need clothes and formula etc!

eh? I don't understand. Is the number plate for the older child? I thought they were different dads but maybe I misunderstood

DS's dad was so angry I got CMS to attach an order to his earnings he stopped seeing DS. Cunt.

The dead money argument is common. A way around it is a joint account with DC. The framing of the argument changes when XP is paying their DC maintenance. My parents did this, and it encouraged a sense of financial responsibility. As long as you can still access the funds as RP, it works. It also gave a clear audit trail on how the funds were used if ever queried.

@thequeenbeyondthewall and @Thehop, good to hear that my ex isn’t the only decent man out there. I’d like to believe they are the majority and just don’t get talked about as there isn’t the drama.