Non resident parents don't like paying child support do they?

[Moomin8]

Or is that just my experience?

My ex husband paid maintenance after we split at the rate suggested by his solicitor. One day he suddenly stopped because he wanted to pay his credit cards off and he also felt he was paying too much. I contacted the CSA (at the time) and he ignored them and ended up doing a deduction of earnings order. And they figured out that he owed more not less. A few years later he had a big pay rise, did not tell them so he managed to under pay me for years.

Now, my baby's dad who I don't live with had said to me before she was born that he'd use the government website to work it out & I said fine.

Then about 2 months ago he suddenly decided to halve it, apparently because he didn't get any commission that month. I've never seen his payslips so I've trusted him to be honest.

I suggested we ask the CMS to calculate it because that's fair and he hit the roof. Has been absolutely vile to me in messages and has now blocked me.

He has not lost his job or been furloughed had recently decided to buy our daughter a £500 number plate for her car which I argued she doesn't actually need right now but she does need clothes and formula etc!

I do find it amazing that they never exhibited any dickish behaviour prior to having a baby together or whilst you were together with a young baby

Yeah, we’re all a bit stupid and missed those glaring neon signs.

FFS. Is it so hard to comprehend that people change? That ‘oh, not supporting your children is for losers’ is very different when it comes to hating your ex more than loving your children.

The absolute bollox up thread about not wanting to pay because NRP don’t know if it’s being spent on children is just making very poor excuses for (mainly men) to abandon their children financially. By far the majority of children post divorce are brought up perfectly well by their PWC and have all they need. What you actually mean is controlling men resent their ex partner being able to have a bit of a life and the non-payment of maintenance is just an extension of that. Look at the thousands of new partners who moan ‘she works/doesn’t work/gets all the benefits’, that she dares to go out and drink vodka, have nice nails and wear a decent dress. Always forgetting that their new relationship was facilitated by the ex looking after the children 12 nights out of 14.

Of course YANBU.

And let’s face it, the majority of non-players are men.

Because we live in a society where if you’re male it’s socially acceptable not to provide for your children.

Ignore his fit of pique OP, go through CMS. You don’t need to tell him you’re doing so.

*non-payers

My partner has always paid his maintainence and helped out with energency expensis. He was in a lot of debt after the divorce but is slowly sorting himself out but always paid every month.

You need to ask them not to tell him you contacted them.

I had an irate abusive call once off my ex.

He said the CMS have written to me saying you contacted them. I denied it as I was a bit afraid of him at the time.

He screen shotted me a letter from the CMS stating "we have received contact from the Queen beyond the wall and she said the following....

My ex should be paying about £300 a month. He pays £50 if I’m lucky, and says he won’t see the children if I go to CMA, which knows would absolutely break my oldest.
I just can’t bring myself to do it, even though I can barely afford the essentials let alone anything else. He’s just an awful awful shithead, but if you met him you’d think he was lovely, his mates think he’s a great bloke and know nothing of how he treats me, he plays his game very well!

Yeah, we’re all a bit stupid and missed those glaring neon signs.

I didn’t say you were stupid at all. It more that I just knew my ex wouldn’t be like this before we had kids. But we met in freshers week age 18 and I didn’t agree to have kids until we were 35 so I really did feel like I knew who he was. But I was obsessive about not having children until financially secure, had seen how he supported me through bereavement etc. Knew how he felt about virtually everything.
He’s the one in the wrong. In no way am I saying it’s the fault of the RP. I am just always astounded that these men can seemingly turn out to be someone completely different from the person the mother had grown to know so well before they had their baby.

They really do change when you split sometimes @Neednewwellies. It shocked me for a long time after I separated from my ex husband but he transformed into someone I just didn’t recognise and we had been together for many years.

I think a lot of men change when they meet someone new, I know my ex did. He started sending me abusive messages when he met her and accused me of spending the child maintenance on myself which I definitely didn’t do. He also halved the amount he paid me, when we split he agreed to pay more than CMS minimum because he wanted to be a good Dad but after meeting her he halved it in line with the suggested minimum amount.

Oh and I should say halving it meant he paid me £150 a month at the time for three DC which really is pittance. He now pays £250 a month in line with his salary but again, it barely touches the sides with three children. He doesn’t see them very much either so doesn’t even have much input in their lives in that way. It is since he met his GF, he wasn’t this way to begin with. I no longer recognise him, he’s nothing like the man I married.

My ex is on £55000 a year and I give £370 for my daughter. I don't have spare cash after I pay my rent and other bill yet my ex can afford holidays and be away 6 weeks of the year.
Cms should take both parents wages into account not just the non residents

In mine and most of my separated friends cases you're right. It's an absolute joke and gives abusive men a way to carry on abusing and controlling. It also then means the mums that are left trying to pay for everything end up getting help from benefits which comes with such a stigma and we are then looked down on....for being in that position due to neglectful fathers and a broken system that allows them to get away with it. Makes my blood boil!

I can understand that lots of men change how they behave towards their wives but I cannot grasp how or why so many change towards their children. Those tiny people they say up all night with, changed the nappies of and clapped like a crazy person during their assemblies when they were ‘just’ a tree! How does that just disappear. My ex adores his children and the fact it didn’t work out with me hasn’t affected that in any way. Why would it? I mean, clearly it does judging by the thread but I still find it incomprehensible.

@tenterden - no, the number plate was bought for our 4 month old daughter. Who won't be able to drive for another 17 years.

Yes you did read it right!

I guess a lot of them feel that it's money to the ex.

I guess a lot of them feel that it's money to the ex

Shame such a lot of them are so mindblowingly stupid then 🤷‍♀️

@thequeenbeyondthewall

I don't think the CMS ever randomly makes a claim without the pwc starting it though...

Who could have called them if I didn't?

should take both parents wages into account not just the non residents

The money is for the child. Quite rightly the resident parent’s financial situation should not be taken into consideration.

Wellies - my ex was perfect till I had our daughter. Then left me to it. Lived with us till I left but wasn't physically or mentally there never mind emotionally.

Till I left 18 months later.

I could could count on one hand the number of nappy changes and baths he did. Still thinks he is dad of the year the deluded little man child.

Some people are all for kids then basically shit out when it gets real and the kids arrive. No matter how many years you have been together or how well you know them.

Yes you are right but they had quoted me word
For word.

Stated in the letter things like Queen states
This and that.

I don't have spare cash after I pay my rent and other bill

This is the problem. People who think they should only have to pay anything if it's left over after the be paid out for everything they want.

Child support is seen as a payment that takes priority over things like credit card bills or phone bills. It's on a par with mortgage / rent etc

There should be much more CM payable and failure to pay should result in loss of driver licence, then passport, then prison. All inside a year. Few wouldn't pay if it was properly enforced and swiftly.

There should be the option to assess on cash, assets and lifestyle to avoid CM evasion in private business or the wealthy non-working.

A fee sad face blokes in the papers and the cash would flood in.

My ex is on £55000 a year and I give £370 for my daughter. I don't have spare cash after I pay my rent and other bill yet my ex can afford holidays and be away 6 weeks of the year.
Cms should take both parents wages into account not just the non residents
This traps the resident parent in poverty because most aren’t on £55,000 a year and certainly aren’t after they paid out in childcare. The Aussie system gives an allowance of $20,000 ish to each parent to live on. Then deducts new children and if there’s anything left which for most families there’s not much, it splits it’s opinion of what it takes to raise a child between the parents as a percentage of income.

I was to receive $600 for three children ... verses £790 in the uk

My sister's ex has just reduced the amount he pays her by 30%, claiming because he's on furlough he can't afford it. Never mind he has no commute, no coffees and lunches by, and he reduced it by more than the 20% he is down. Pretty convenient that his gf has just moved in, and has no income. Disgusting that he is quite obviously putting a gf before his son. DSis is lucky that she has good support from our DPs and me, we will help make up the shortfall but it shouldn't be our responsibility

What gets me irate is that the phone bills, the mortgage, rent, etc etc. If these things were not paid, all have consequences.

If you fail to pay CM then nothing ever happens. That I have seen anyway. They get a letter saying "you have to pay" then another few saying "please pay" then that's it.

CMS should take both parents wages into account not just the non residents

Yes, of course. Well paid, hard working PWC shouldn’t expect the other parent of their joint children to make any contribution towards the upbringing of their children,

FFS.