Step/half siblings - value of the term

[ChipperCharlie]

I'm NC'd for this. DH knows my usual username.

AIBU to feel hurt over this?

DH was on the phone to friends yesterday and were discussing a loss that another friend has just experienced. This friend's brother had just died. General sympathising and expressing concern. His friend casually said "ChipperCharlie will know how they feel" and my DH's first response was to agree and respond with "yes...but.." but this was cut off because his friend had resumed talking.

The "but" has hurt be quite badly. I'll explain.

My Dad died when I was 4 and my Mother remarried a widower with his own daughter. She was only 11 months older than me and we hit it off immediately. Mum adopted her and to the world at large, we became a unit. I regarded her legally, emotionally and socially as my sister. Her Dad became my Dad. He's awesome. We remained close - sisters - until she died. I was 19, she was 20. It tore us all up. Totally unexpected. Life changed forever. I lost a sister and friend, I suffered some sort of emotional breakdown - lost a year of Uni etc. We drew closer as a family. Still, the loss has scarred us all. She is buried in the village cemetery and we go often.

We never, ever regarded one another as anything but a complete unit. She wasn't a step or half and we didn't use that term to introduce one another, to talk to others about one another etc. To me, using step or half somehow diluted our relationship. Mum and Dad felt the same, so we didn't use it.

Fast forward man years and I marry DH. I over-heard him talking to a friend about a year into our marriage and he said "...ChipperCharlie's sister wasn't her real sister...." - it hurt badly, we argued, he defended his position and was totally oblivious to the hurt, but he eventually understood and apologised, or so I thought.

So, to hear him say a "but....", made me realise that he still doesn't value what my family unit was - doesn't understand what she meant to me. I was upset last night but didn't argue with him, didn't bring it up, told him I was just really tired (genuinely was - did a lot of physical work yesterday) and left it at that. Spoke to him normally this morning and he's ignoring me.

I've asked him why he's odd with me and he replied that it's not him that's odd. He was so confrontational about it that I admitted that I was hurt with the "but..." comment but that I had no intention of bringing it up so I'm confused why it's him that's angry with me? He's said angrily that his "...but" comment was going to be followed by a "but even though they weren't 'proper' sisters, they were very very close".

He doesn't understand why I'm so hurt by this and is now ignoring me and seething downstairs. I'm trying to be normal for the DC.

I know my loss is over 20 years ago, but it's raw and it's painful and I so, so miss her. My Dad has never been the same since but it's not made him bitter - he's loved and supported me as he would her. Anyone in a blended family will possibly understand how I feel - Dh doesn't understand at all. I'm not angry with him at all, I just feel hurt.

AIBU? Please be gentle. Am feeling low today and won't want to discuss this with anyone else.

Sorry it's so long - I didn't want to drip-feed or leave anything out.

I totally understand I have “half” family members but I would never ever ever call them “half” they are just cousin, aunt etc. I would be offended if anyone said this. I would never consider them anything but full relatives and I think he needs to respect you’re feelings. He seems pedantic over language and things being “correct” why does he feel the need to bring it up? It massively matters to you and I assume what you call your sister has little relevance to him so why does he need to say yes but not real family ect... what is it to him? If it’s important to you it should be important to him.

He’s an arse. So sorry for your loss, I could g imagine loosing a sister.

Couldn’t*

My only brother is technically my ‘half’ brother but I have never once used that term and never would. He grew inside the same womb so he’s my brother.

You have absolutely every right to be hurt. Families come in all forms nowadays and it is so so lovely to hear how your close you were to your sister
Imagine if all blended families were like this!
I'm really surprised and saddened by your DH's response even after you have spelt out to him clearly before how it makes you feel.
What is he like on the whole? Is this sort of behaviour a one off?
No matter what anyone else thinks she was your sister and no one can take that away from you.
I hope others will come along soon too

...give advice

I'm so sorry for your loss. I completely understand your upset- my sister and brother are technically "half" but I'd never use that term. They are my siblings as much as each other's and if dh were to dismiss that I'd be devasted. I had people , even teachers, as a child correct me when I said sister/ brother, which made me feel lonely and "other", and that's without any loss associated. Your dh needs to cop himself on.

I ask because my dad is very particular about things being correct. He is so so bright but socially not so bright, so much so that in think if he was born in this generation he would be diagnosed a mild case of autism or similar
Do you feel that your DH was being deliberately cruel or is he just pedantic over language and things being "correct"

If his friend said “ChipperCharlie will know how they feel”, why would your DH respond “yes, but even though they weren't 'proper' sisters, they were very very close"? That doesn’t make sense and is the opposite of what a “but” response would be, isn’t it? He was clearly going to say “yes, but they weren’t proper sisters”.

Yeah that’s very insensitive if that’s what he was going to say .
My ds and dd aren’t ‘full’ siblings but they are to all of us .
They’ve never ever referred to each other than anything other than brother and sister and never would ,just wouldn’t cross their minds .
Same with me and my sister

I absolutely understand why you’re upset.

DP has two sets of half siblings. She grew up with one set and they are as close as anything; undeniably family.

Our family is made up of dh ,widower with two young children when we married,and myself and our child together.
I completely get what you mean as our family is a whole complete family and genetics don't figure but sadly I've realised from very early in our relationship that people who have never experienced life/ relationships such as ours are very judgmental and don't sometimes view us as a "real"family. There's always a but and talk of "real family/mother "and it has caused deep hurt along the way but ultimately our children are siblings who adore each other regardless of how our family came to be, no one can change the love they have for each other or us .
The fact it's your dh making you feel such hurt is deeply sad and unkind and he really should know better.
I'm so very very sorry for your loss , I can't imagine how our dc would cope if it happened to them /us and you are completely right to feel devastated that your own partner can't understand what you're going through.x

Honestly, I think you’re being over dramatic. In your family the half was irrelevant, it’s not in every family. Your DH is just using facts, he’s not saying that your loss is any less or that you weren’t close as sisters, he’s just acknowledging the truth.

So sorry for your loss. She was your sister and it’s so awful you lost her.
I have “half siblings” but I just call them my brothers and sisters. If someone asks (and sometimes they do) I explain the situation. We were not brought up together tho and are not as close as you and your sister.

So sorry for your loss.

I’m a bit torn over this one though. The fact is you weren’t in any way biologically related to your sister, you were sisters through marriage. You may not like the terms step or half sibling, but it’s not something most think about and they are terms in common usage which people understand the meaning of. Why the distinction is necessary I’ve never really thought about. Looking at it the other way perhaps those that use the term want to make a distinction if both their biological parents are still in the picture ? I don’t think you can police how others refer to this relationship generally.

In this case you’ve previously explained to your DH that you find the term upsetting. He’s agreed not to use it and I take it he hasn’t after that (Dave for this incident) as you’ve not mentioned it. So he cares and he’s trying.

But I think this is a bit similar in some ways to transexual / gender fluid people (if that’s right) objecting to the use of he/she. In many cases people are not trying to be offensive, but you’re asking them to change life long speech patterns over an issue that’s not deeply personal to them in the way it is to you. People can try, but it’s an unnatural way to speak / think at first (and for a long time I would guess).

So he’s had a slip - well actually he hasn’t. You’ve overheard half of a private conversation and jumped to conclusions about what he might have said. He’s later tried to explain after you’ve been off with him but you don’t know whether the other person mentioned you not being “proper” sisters or if your OH might have caught himself and said even though you weren’t biologically related you were very close. You dont know the full context and he never actually got to finish his sentence.

I think you’re obviously still grieving and upset over your sister. He clearly knows how important your sister was to you And I suspect he’s generally honoured your wishes in the past so I think you need to move past his (almost) slip. It’s not like he’s intentionally tried to hurt you. In the nicest possible way I think you are being unreasonable.

Yanbu. My brother is technically my half brother but I would never refer to him a such. We are very close and it’s just never discussed. I have no contact with my biological dad and his other children. Family is not just blood relation, it’s the people who have loved and supported you, cared for you etc.

I never understood why some people put so much emphasis on full, half, step status of family members.

I'm sorry for your loss ,Op and families do come in all shapes and forms these days I always refer to my boys ( half) sister as their sister ( she's my dh dd) because she is , your family is who you value the most regardless of biology ,my ah however has a step brother and step dad but they haven't bothered with us for years soon wouldn't regard them as family

Your DH is just using facts, he’s not saying that your loss is any less or that you weren’t close as sisters, he’s just acknowledging the truth.

@NailsNeedDoing he kind of is saying the loss was less but saying ‘but’.
Also, if it’s just a statement of fact why bring it up at all? It’s not necessary to state it out loud to everyone at all.
Furthermore, he knows it upsets his DP to say it. And he says it anyway!

I understand op, I have a full brother that I lived with growing up, and 2 half siblings that I saw EOW when I visited my dad. There's a big age gap between us but I have loved my half brother and sister from the second they were born. Do I wish they were my full siblings so we could have grown up living together? Of course. But I couldn't love them any more than I do. I used to teach at my sisters primary school for a bit and her friends would often ask me "Miss Grabthar, are you Xs half sister or her real sister?" Every single time I answered them "half sisters are real sisters".

I have a ‘full’ sibling, i have ‘half’ siblings. I have ‘step’ siblings. Some Of my children are biologically mine and some are adopted. We are all just family. I’d be very hurt. YANBU.

Wow your DH sounds like an arse. Why did he need to point out to his friend in that context that your sister wasn't a blood relative. As your mum adopted her she was your adopted sister not your step sister!

I've got a sibling by adoption (not a blood relative of either of my parents) and never say "my adopted sibling". I told my children and DH in the natural course of things the story of her joining our family, as I was already secondary school age at the time, but nobody ever refers to her as adopted auntie J. It's irrelevant.

You were so young and grew up with her full time from so young too - totally different to a step sibling who you first meet as an adult or whom you don't live with because their other biological parent is the resident parent etc etc.

You see it all the time on here OP, people who haven't experienced it or who aren't close to someone who has (and have empathy), think that blood is a miraculous magical thing. I was on a thread last week about a step mum being pissed off at looking after step children she had fifty percent of the time while both bio parents worked as they aren't biologically hers even though she wasn't working and said it would be different 'if they were hers'. There was another thread where a dh was upset that his wife didn't consider his step father to be grandad to their children. Most posters agreed with the OP and I was challenged for feeling differently.
To me family relationships are a lot more complex; my closest grandparent is my mother's step mother she's my gran not my step nan , she's done everything you'd want from a grandparent and more, my mother has biological siblings some of whom she's not close to and step siblings she is. DHs biological father is an absentee arsehole, the man he calls dad and who our son knows as grandad is his step father, but is never referred to as such as he absolutely fills the role of father.
Your husband is awful, you lost your sister at a terribly young age and whether or not you had the same biological parents is irrelevant.

She was your sister. How dare he try to diminish that I am so sorry you lost Such an important person.

YANBU. He never even met her so why does he even feel the need to clarify to people that she wasn't a 'proper' sister?

Does he have siblings? I'm wondering if he feels superior than you in this respect?

Also, he's a nob for making it about him and being off with you.

I'm a bit stuck atm myself re the term "half-sister" and whether to use it?

So I'm almost 36 weeks' pregnant with a little girl with my fiancé. I have two boys (almost 10 and 12.5 from my first marriage).

Not sure whether when baby is here I should just refer to her as their sister or not?

It's particularly important for us that we get this right as it were, as she will have a totally different surname to my sons.

OP - I'd be hurt too if someone referred to not being "proper" sisters.