Step/half siblings - value of the term

[ChipperCharlie]

I'm NC'd for this. DH knows my usual username.

AIBU to feel hurt over this?

DH was on the phone to friends yesterday and were discussing a loss that another friend has just experienced. This friend's brother had just died. General sympathising and expressing concern. His friend casually said "ChipperCharlie will know how they feel" and my DH's first response was to agree and respond with "yes...but.." but this was cut off because his friend had resumed talking.

The "but" has hurt be quite badly. I'll explain.

My Dad died when I was 4 and my Mother remarried a widower with his own daughter. She was only 11 months older than me and we hit it off immediately. Mum adopted her and to the world at large, we became a unit. I regarded her legally, emotionally and socially as my sister. Her Dad became my Dad. He's awesome. We remained close - sisters - until she died. I was 19, she was 20. It tore us all up. Totally unexpected. Life changed forever. I lost a sister and friend, I suffered some sort of emotional breakdown - lost a year of Uni etc. We drew closer as a family. Still, the loss has scarred us all. She is buried in the village cemetery and we go often.

We never, ever regarded one another as anything but a complete unit. She wasn't a step or half and we didn't use that term to introduce one another, to talk to others about one another etc. To me, using step or half somehow diluted our relationship. Mum and Dad felt the same, so we didn't use it.

Fast forward man years and I marry DH. I over-heard him talking to a friend about a year into our marriage and he said "...ChipperCharlie's sister wasn't her real sister...." - it hurt badly, we argued, he defended his position and was totally oblivious to the hurt, but he eventually understood and apologised, or so I thought.

So, to hear him say a "but....", made me realise that he still doesn't value what my family unit was - doesn't understand what she meant to me. I was upset last night but didn't argue with him, didn't bring it up, told him I was just really tired (genuinely was - did a lot of physical work yesterday) and left it at that. Spoke to him normally this morning and he's ignoring me.

I've asked him why he's odd with me and he replied that it's not him that's odd. He was so confrontational about it that I admitted that I was hurt with the "but..." comment but that I had no intention of bringing it up so I'm confused why it's him that's angry with me? He's said angrily that his "...but" comment was going to be followed by a "but even though they weren't 'proper' sisters, they were very very close".

He doesn't understand why I'm so hurt by this and is now ignoring me and seething downstairs. I'm trying to be normal for the DC.

I know my loss is over 20 years ago, but it's raw and it's painful and I so, so miss her. My Dad has never been the same since but it's not made him bitter - he's loved and supported me as he would her. Anyone in a blended family will possibly understand how I feel - Dh doesn't understand at all. I'm not angry with him at all, I just feel hurt.

AIBU? Please be gentle. Am feeling low today and won't want to discuss this with anyone else.

BluntAndToThePoint80 it's nothing like forgetting to use a preferred pronoun! The DH actually interiors his friend to point out that the relationship wasn't biological. If you want to stick with the trans example it's not like accidentally forgetting, it's like interrupting someone and pointing out (in some context where there is no practical issue involved which might make it an important issue) that Sue isn't really Sue but Simon, but yeah Simon does have nice hair/ speak good Spanish/ live in Portsmouth...

I think at the moment a lot of use are revisiting sadnesses about the loss of loved ones, which is making it even worse for you. As my mum always said about her mum, "it's the face at the end of the pram" or in your case all the games you played etc.
Mum's mum wasn't her biological mother, who dies within weeks of my mothers birth, but had been in mum's life since she was small, first as her aunt's friend and then as stepmum - or Mum. Some of my cousins and their spouses have made the distinction between genetic relatedness and not, even though we were all born decades after Granny married granddad, and indeed years after grandad's death. Some of that has been due to indoctrination by their "other" parent's family but a lot is due to increased publicity about finding long lost relatives as if DNA was some sort of mystical bond. So sadly, some younger people in similar situations have got to the point of feeling they have to defend closeness to non- genetic relatives and I think this might be the case here.
The love you have for your sister, and she for you, is genuine unconditional love. People who are hung up on DNA don't necessarily get to experience that. The use of the present tense is deliberate. Life sadly ends. Love does not.

For those saying it's stating a fact- would you apply the same logic to children? Would it be okay if she was an adoptive child and lost her parent for her dh to say "yes she lost her father BUT he wasn't her real father" no? Because in the ops case the adoption makes it the same as that.

Also, just the kindness aspect. It is a fact that I am fat, but dh knows I don't like to be called that so he doesn't say it (made up example obviously) when people ask you not to say things about them, you really should respect it. Especially if the person asking is your darling spouse.

Interrupted not interiors!

@RainMinusBow please call her their sister. I have only heard people make the distinction when they don’t really know their sibling, but in a family unit they are bothers and sisters.

I grew up in very similar circumstances to you OP and have a step brother and sister along with a full brother.

My dad and step mum (mum to me) are my full family and we would never call each other step anything. My DH has on occasion referred to them as steps but not to be mean just because it’s not what he was used to. He does understand though why they to me are just my brother and sister.

When my mum (step mum) died my dad remarried. Whilst I like my new step mum she’s more talked about as my dads wife and her children whilst technically my step siblings are not described to anyone as that at all.

The difference for me is we grew up as a family unit initially and now my dad has remarried again we are all older and don’t need another family unit.

I can understand your hurt. It doesn't matter how anybody views the relationship other than the people themselves and I am so sorry that you lost your sister.

I think the terms half and step sibling are legally important to differentiate inheritance / birth right etc but with blended families they are very outdated these days.

@RainMinusBow I totally agree with @Itwasntme1 my “half” sister and I had a different last name growing (I actually changed mine a few years ago so we match!) and it was always important to us both that we be called sisters

OP, yanbu, your husband is being unnecessarily pedantic and mean

My sons are "half" brothers but I've never called them that, I really dislike the term as it feels like I'm belittling their relationship

Likewise my eldest has lots of "step" family in my in laws, but they aren't his step anything, they're his grandad, Aunt, Uncle and Cousins. Not different to how they are that to DS2

@Itwasntme1 Thank you, that's our gut instinct too. I have to share custody of my boys 50/50 with my ex-husband (not my choice) and sadly he is referring to their new sibling as "it" and telling them "it" is not even related to them (?!!) Makes life very difficult.

My eldest is very black and white and if I refer to the baby as his sister he starts going on about the fact that technically I am using the wrong term. Fuelled I am sure by his father.

@BluntAndToThePoint80 they are not just sisters by marriage, the OP says her mum adopted the sister.

OP so sorry for your loss and that your DH is being so unsympathetic.

I’m not surprised you’re hurt. Whatever your family set up you were close and your sister is missed by you all.

FWIW I have half siblings and while we’re not close (we didn’t grow up together and family dynamics made it that way- no ones fault) I would be pissed off if my partner kept on feeling the need to point out that they are just half siblings. No need for that at all.

@RainMinusBow definitely refer to her as their sister. You can explain the technical difference to them if you want, but in every day terms just use ‘sister’.

My friend’s step mum always refers to her siblings as ‘half’ and it just comes across as so unnecessary and unkind somehow: Eg “Have you spoken to your half brother lately? He’s got a new job.” (There’s no ‘full’ brother so it’s not like she’s doing it to distinguish them.)

Hopefully he will grow out of this, and will love his little sister when he sees her. Being a big brother is a wonderful experience, and hopefully He will learn to see his dad’s Bitterness for what it is.

Each time he says it, say there are no halves in this family. Your little sister will love you 100%.

My children have an older sibling who is a half sibling. They never use that term and nor does anyone else.

My children are closer to each other than they are to their older sibling though, which I think is only natural because of the dynamics.

I'm so sorry about your sister. My children are half siblings but we don't use that phrase, they are a brother and sister growing up together. I could understand your partners point if you were both much older when you came together as a family but you grew up together as sisters, so he's bring an insensitive dick.

She was your adopted sister and he isn't being very kind.

Personally I find it annoying that people use half and step siblings as the same thing, they aren't, half siblings share a parent step siblings don't. I have children from two marriages and it always upset me if people referred to them as step siblings, the children always said it didn't matter, they came from the same womb so what other people thought was irrelevant.

He's got a cheek sulking about it.

I feel like the issue here is that people assume that blood relation is always an indicator of the strength of the relationship, which is obviously not the case.

In my family, we often use the term half- or step- when describing relations that are slightly removed from ourselves. So e.g. I would refer to my half sister as my sister, but my cousin's half-sister (on the other 'side' of their family) as "my cousin's half-sister" because if I just said "my cousin's sister" it's confusing as to why my cousin's sister is not also my cousin... We aren't close to them, so I wouldn't feel comfortable just calling them my cousin when they are not.

@poolsofsunshine

I disagree - the OP heard less than half of the conversation. We don’t know the full context of what was said. The friend might have referred to the OP not being proper sisters and her DH Interrupted to say yes but while they weren’t proper sisters, they were very close. We only have what the OP has said and she didn’t hear the full conversation.

From the OP it appears her DH has respected her wishes for many years after the original argument. That shows he cares about the OP to respect her wishes on something she feels strongly about, even if he doesn’t genuinely understand it.

The OP seems to be upset that her DH doesn’t understand her bond with her sister, but maybe he’s never had anything similar (or lost that person). Grief is very personal and I don’t think anyone can fully understand another’s grief.

The fact is he never got a chance to finish his statement so no one knows what he actually would have said.

He’s not done this to deliberately hurt the OP. He clearly knows how much the OP loves her sister and has tried to respect her wishes over the years. But to him it’s probably an unnatural way of thinking/speaking. He’s made a mistake. It might have been on a subject that is clearly close to the OPs heart and she’s suffering with grief still, but it was still a mistake. It won’t do the OP any good to hold onto it.

I'm sorry for your loss OP. Your are right to be incredibly upset and angry. He's not being at all respectful of you,your relationship with your sister or your loss and subsequent grief. Despite knowing how you feel about his view. He should be.

Is he a twat in other ways?

It doesn't matter what the relationship was, sibling/ half sibling/step sibling/best friend. It's the word 'but' , you cared deeply for that person (your sister) there is no but and that should be respected. Never compare someones feelings against another it's just not the same.

This would hurt me to. My dad cones from a very large blended family. He has half siblings and step siblings. I have never in my 30 years heard any of them refer tk each other as half or step. In fact my grandma isnt my dads mum but she never called us her step grandchildren. Everyone treated equally in this family.

Sorry for the loss of your sister x

I hate, hate the term “half”.

My mum had two older children when she met my dad. They always referee to me as their “half” sister. It made me feel about two inches tall. We’ve been no contact for 15 years now for a myriad of reasons.

My Ds an Dd have different fathers and got help anyone who refers to them as half siblings. I gave birth to then both. They are brother and sister and that that.

Ds dad loves to remind Ds that his little sister is only his half sibling. It’s always upset Ds. There is the same age gap between Ds and Dd as me and my siblings (11 years) so I guess it’s raw to me.

Half/step are genetic descriptions. Not relationship descriptions.

My niece has 3 half sisters, one with her Dad (BIL) 2 with her Mum. She lives with the two on her Mum's side. She has always described these as her little sisters. When she is with our family, we refer to them as her sisters (or by their names). She sees her Dad once a year. She's met her sister on that side (our other niece) once in 2 years. Unsurprisingly, she doesn't quite see her in the same way.

I find it incredibly rude when other people decide the value in someone else's relationships. It's up to people to decide how they feel and what, if any, label they put on their relationships.

It's particularly baffling when they decide that the label of half or step means that relationships are somehow lesser.

I have no relationship with my "full" siblings yet to some that would be a more worthy relationship than DS1 and my DDS who are techinically step-siblings.

It's dismissive and rude. Especially when the OP's sister was adopted by her Mum