Step/half siblings - value of the term

[ChipperCharlie]

I'm NC'd for this. DH knows my usual username.

AIBU to feel hurt over this?

DH was on the phone to friends yesterday and were discussing a loss that another friend has just experienced. This friend's brother had just died. General sympathising and expressing concern. His friend casually said "ChipperCharlie will know how they feel" and my DH's first response was to agree and respond with "yes...but.." but this was cut off because his friend had resumed talking.

The "but" has hurt be quite badly. I'll explain.

My Dad died when I was 4 and my Mother remarried a widower with his own daughter. She was only 11 months older than me and we hit it off immediately. Mum adopted her and to the world at large, we became a unit. I regarded her legally, emotionally and socially as my sister. Her Dad became my Dad. He's awesome. We remained close - sisters - until she died. I was 19, she was 20. It tore us all up. Totally unexpected. Life changed forever. I lost a sister and friend, I suffered some sort of emotional breakdown - lost a year of Uni etc. We drew closer as a family. Still, the loss has scarred us all. She is buried in the village cemetery and we go often.

We never, ever regarded one another as anything but a complete unit. She wasn't a step or half and we didn't use that term to introduce one another, to talk to others about one another etc. To me, using step or half somehow diluted our relationship. Mum and Dad felt the same, so we didn't use it.

Fast forward man years and I marry DH. I over-heard him talking to a friend about a year into our marriage and he said "...ChipperCharlie's sister wasn't her real sister...." - it hurt badly, we argued, he defended his position and was totally oblivious to the hurt, but he eventually understood and apologised, or so I thought.

So, to hear him say a "but....", made me realise that he still doesn't value what my family unit was - doesn't understand what she meant to me. I was upset last night but didn't argue with him, didn't bring it up, told him I was just really tired (genuinely was - did a lot of physical work yesterday) and left it at that. Spoke to him normally this morning and he's ignoring me.

I've asked him why he's odd with me and he replied that it's not him that's odd. He was so confrontational about it that I admitted that I was hurt with the "but..." comment but that I had no intention of bringing it up so I'm confused why it's him that's angry with me? He's said angrily that his "...but" comment was going to be followed by a "but even though they weren't 'proper' sisters, they were very very close".

He doesn't understand why I'm so hurt by this and is now ignoring me and seething downstairs. I'm trying to be normal for the DC.

I know my loss is over 20 years ago, but it's raw and it's painful and I so, so miss her. My Dad has never been the same since but it's not made him bitter - he's loved and supported me as he would her. Anyone in a blended family will possibly understand how I feel - Dh doesn't understand at all. I'm not angry with him at all, I just feel hurt.

AIBU? Please be gentle. Am feeling low today and won't want to discuss this with anyone else.

It's not really about the technical descriptions of family though is it.

Anyone with any appreciation of how human family relationships REALLY work will understand this in an instant.

I have several 'full' - 'proper' - 'real' (and any other words you care to use to make the point that they have the same genetic mum and dad) siblings...

...two of them I haven't spoken to for two decades and they mean less to me than my friendly next-door neighbour.

I would either be - let down that once again the man I chose to marry demonstrates how shallow a thinker, how disappointing a personality he is...

...or I would be upset that once again, my small-minded, pedantic, quite mean little DH had chosen to deliberately 'misunderstand' something important to me, in order to distress me.

Or - I would assume from now on that yes, he had some processing issue which made it not possible for him to understand something beyond the absolute literal.

It’s disgusting when people do this with others’ families. Your DH has no right to assign value to your family relationships - you need to make it very clear that if he can’t be respectful he isn’t to talk about your family at all. I can’t believe how rude some people are - my aunt used to do this a lot to my gran who only had a half-sister and step-mum left in her family. The stupid bitch never realised that family came in all sorts and it isn’t surprising really that her kids don’t talk to her now.

I have a half-brother. There's a big age gap, and we didn't grow up in the same house so weren't all that close until I was an adult. Now we are close, see each other more and I would be devastated if he died.

You grew up with your sister, she was in your life for practically all of hers. You absolutely know what it's like to lose a sibling.

Love makes a family, not biology.

My sister is technically my "half" sister and my dad isn't my "real dad" but I would never ever refer to them as such so I get where your coming from. At my grandads funeral my nan introduced me to family that I don't know as "so and so's step daughter" I was so upset as even though she's known me since I was 6/7 (I'm 29 now)she still didn't regard me as a grandchild.

My small brother is "half" we never lived together i have nothing to do with my mother that boy is my brother I have a sister my (step dad's child) not atall blood related she is my sister .. blood makes you related LOVE makes you family the term half or step is awful why does it matter? Family is family no matter what way it comes

Depends on your relationship I think. My kids have half siblings but they are not close. Fair enough, the older ones didn't spend much time with us, there's quite a big age gap, maybe it will come in time when they are all adults or something, maybe it won't.

But in your case it's hugely disrespectful. Your oh knows how you feel about your sister and he should not have devalued your relationship like that.

I'm sorry your sister died so young, I can't imagine.

Not every blended family is like yours though. Most i know in real life have little to do with step siblings once adults and many use the phrase half brother/sister as it’s the correct term when their is different parentage.

Maybe he just has a different view of blended families and never saw one that worked well.

Have I misread - he said 'but' but didn't finish his sentence and you're upset with him because you assumed he was going to say something and even when he denied this you don't believe him.

I think you have some deep-rooted issues regarding your step-sister/dad etc. Maybe you want to start an argument because you KNOW they're not your full blood and are hurt by this.
You don't have to be blood with someone to love them.

It's a sensitive issue and I think your DH should have listened to you and accepted your feelings on the matter.

In my own family, my grandma's mum died when she was a baby and her dad remarried. Three half siblings were subsequently born to her dad and my step great grandmother. The whole family were very close, but when it came to GGM's 80th birthday only her blood decendants were mentioned, as children, grandchildren and great grandchildren.

People I had viewed as family, cousins, aunts etc didn't see me as the same, and that was a very painful realisation.

I totally understand you bring hit and think your DP is an arse to have the huff with you, it's ridiculous.

If I may put in a tiny word from another side, however (and it really is only a minor one because you've already explained to your DP how you feel about it) - I am one of those people who is a bit of a stickler for correct detail. It's hard to explain why other than I generally think that the factual truth is important to know and remember because it makes life easier to negotiate, makes you harder to manipulate, avoids nasty surprises and leads to better understanding and planning all round. So I do understand those who are a bit of a stickler for correct terms and don't quite get why they're hurting the feelings of others by using them - in their eyes it's not necessarily an emotional thing or intended to diminish the relationship in any way (though if course it can be used in such a way deliberately, I appreciate). He really may not see it as a value judgement on your ties at all.

I say all this as someone with a person in their life totally unrelated by blood who I refer to as a 'sister' (everyone is well aware of the factual relationship) so I promise I'm not just an insensitive arse, just perhaps explaining a different take.

HOWEVER it is important to learn that other people see it differently and are sensitive about it and very important to learn when to just keep your mouth shut (which is most of the time!) and your DP needs to learn this as I try to.

Thanks everyone for your messages and feedback. I've read them all carefully and there are too many to mention individually.

To be clear Poppi89, he did tell that he was intending to follow it up with what I said - I just didn't want to type a 'he said, then I said' scenario when my OP was already rather long.

I didn't actually want any argument - he was confrontational this morning and I admitted I was upset, but there isn't an argument.

To be honest, he has form for saying something hurtful, then becoming annoyed when I'm affected by what he's said. He seems to blame me for getting upset for what HE says. Someone mentioned upthread about being pedantic - it's very much like this, yes.

To be frank, he should know better. I'm Step-Mum to his eldest child (love him dearly) and our young DC would feel hurt it we referred to eldest DC as a 'half'. He seems to forget this. He's still ignoring me and this will continue now for a few days.

Thanks everyone.

DinosApple I hear you - that is so incredibly cruel. Even if it was thoughtlessly done, it's just so hurtful. I know it's happened to others on this thread as well. I really feel for you.

He says something he knows upsets you (whether he knew you could hear or not), he provokes an argument by sulking, and now he will give you the silent treatment for days. And he knows your name on here so you are having to hide.

Charlie, this is a bigger problem than him being pedantic about your sister isn’t it?

Your sister is your sister regardless of half/step/adopted etc and you have every right to be upset at losing them. But if it was over 20 years ago is it normal for it to still be so raw and painful?

I have only lost grandparents, uncles and aunties so I can't pretend to know what you're going through but I do feel like there is a bigger issue here. And although your DH seems a bit insensitive and annoying I do feel as though you are taking things out on him too much.

Have you ever seen a therapist to talk through your grief with someone apart from your DH?

OK you and your sister weren't biological sisters but to dismiss your relationship is cruel. People who adopt a child/ren are not biologically their parents....would their feelings be dismissed if they were to lose a child?

I'm sorry to hear about your sister, sounds like you had positive famiy relationships. As you came into each other's lives so young you probably don't remember much of when she wasn't there.

So how would he take it if you constantly referred to his DS has a 'step' ?

I'm not advocating this, but I reckon he would be pissed off

I could wrtie so much, but your last post... all that needs to be said is that your husband is a nasty twat who quite likes upsetting you.

Have a think about whether you want to still be feeling like this in 25 years' time, when all children have flown the nest, and you're left with just him.

Your husband should be your friend. A proper, lovely, real FRIEND to you. If he isn't - it's just not worth it.

I only ever use half to be explicit if it's relevant to something I'm explaining (or if I'm trying to up the word count for my German essays as a teenager). My husband likewise has a half brother, and I'm not sure I've ever really even thought about the fact.

For his to not understand when it has been explained to him requires an astounding lack of emotional literacy.

Why does he feel the need to insist you weren’t ‘proper’ sisters? Why does he feel this is a hill he would die on??? It’s so odd. You’ve explained the nature of your relationship to him. Why would he need to correct someone when they comment that you would empathise with the loss of a sibling...????

YANBU OP and I’m so sorry for the loss of your dear sister.

DS is a half brother - the youngest of 3 (much younger than his two brothers from his dad's first marriage). They have always referred to each other as brothers, and if anyone questioned that they would be put right. They grew up in the same family unit and it's important to them. Even DH's exW refers to DS as their little brother, and treats him as such. In a similar vein, DSS2 tells everyone he has two mums - unprompted by anyone, but he sees me and his mum as fulfilling different roles but both "mum" type roles. DSS1 was older when his mum left, so he remembers her being part of his life, but DSS2 was a baby and only knew his dad as a single parent until he was 12, so it's different for him. If anyone asks how many sons I have I would say 3, and not go into details unless asked.

I am really sorry for your loss op! 🥰

Everyone’s has different views. I’ve never known my dad. My mum married and had more children. I just consider them my siblings, not full or half just my siblings. although I don’t know my dad I do know 2 of his other children. I don’t consider them siblings really so I refer to them as my half sisters.

I have my first child with my ex and my daughter with my partner. I don’t consider them only half siblings just brother and sister.

I have no experience of step siblings but you have every right to be upset about this. You clearly had an amazing bond with your sister. He probably can relate as he’s never had the same.

A bit different. I’ve recently lost my grandad and I’m devastated. Like I said above I never had a dad so my grandad was a huge part of my life. I spent more of my childhood with him more than anything else. He didn’t have many grandchildren..

My partner wasn’t close to his. His mum had 8 siblings therefore his grandparents ended up with tens of grandchildren and great grandchildren and there wasn’t a close relationship with any of them so my partner didn’t understand my upset! It hurts me he doesn’t understand but I guess he’s never experienced a close relationship with a grandparent!

That must have been awful. I have full, half and step siblings. I am closest with my 1 full sibling and 3 half siblings on my mums side, who I grew up with. They all feel like full siblings and I feel the same about all 4. I'm next closest with my step siblings as they were there every weekend and holiday. My half siblings from my dad I hardly ever saw growing up and we have no bond. Sending hugs, I can understand how this upset you. She was your sister, no 'step' about it x

My DC are half brothers. They've never acknowledged this (they know) and they'd never use that phrase. One of DS14's mates once came to a party at our house and used "only your half brother" as an insult towards DS9 - I was about to launch into a tirade when DS14 did it for me and told him to go home if he wanted to speak that way (in slightly less kind words).

It's such a cliché but we don't do halves. My DC have lived together every day of their lives, have holidayed together, share family, friends, routines, lives. There's no half; their whole lives have revolved around one another.

YANBU to be upset OP. He's essentially decided that his version of your family is more valid than your version. It's rude, dismissive and he sounds like a bit of an arsehole.

Yeah sorry, that would fuck me off. I get that it depends on how you are raised by I have two half-brothers - one to each of my parents - and they are my brothers. There is nothing different. I think the half-term is just so irrelevant.

I remember once when someone was talking about someone's child dying and someone in the group said, oh but they were adopted though and all of the rest nodded, like that made a difference. I am still angry about it years later. Some people have this obsession with blood relationships being more meaningful. Considering you have already explained this to your husband, he was being a dick and deciding that facts matter more than feelings