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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really fed up with my friend.

78 replies

Ilovecats23 · 30/04/2020 10:24

I might be being unreasonable so please tell me if I am, but if not tell me how to approach this.

My best friend has lately been really difficult to talk to. Obviously with lockdown life is feeling a lot more difficult at the moment and sometimes I’m having a really bad day, but she always has to say that her day/life/child is worse.
Every single time we talk (multiple times a day) she complains about something, and I try my absolute best to be supportive and offer advice, but if I complain about anything she just says ‘at least you haven’t got my life’ or ‘I’d swap with you but then you’d be worse off’.

Personally I wouldn’t say either of us have it worse, life is just difficult and some days one of us has been screamed at by a toddler all day while the other has had a pretty quiet day, but it’s starting to feel like a constant competition.

I honestly can’t take much more of it, I don’t want to lose her as a friend but I’m starting to dread talking to her, and I don’t have many other people that I’m close to.

AIBU? What should I do? Should I say something? I don’t want to start any arguments or anything so I’m tempted to just leave it, but I also don’t know if I can handle it for much longer, it’s draining.

OP posts:
ChangeThePassword · 30/04/2020 10:24

I'm really confused. Clicked on the thread and can reply, but can't see the message.

LovingLola · 30/04/2020 10:25

I’d cut the talking back to once or twice per day.

Original poster
Ilovecats23 · 30/04/2020 10:26

It went really odd when I posted so let me try and post again in the comments!
I might be being unreasonable so please tell me if I am, but if not tell me how to approach this.

My best friend has lately been really difficult to talk to. Obviously with lockdown life is feeling a lot more difficult at the moment and sometimes I’m having a really bad day, but she always has to say that her day/life/child is worse.
Every single time we talk (multiple times a day) she complains about something, and I try my absolute best to be supportive and offer advice, but if I complain about anything she just says ‘at least you haven’t got my life’ or ‘I’d swap with you but then you’d be worse off’.

Personally I wouldn’t say either of us have it worse, life is just difficult and some days one of us has been screamed at by a toddler all day while the other has had a pretty quiet day, but it’s starting to feel like a constant competition.

I honestly can’t take much more of it, I don’t want to lose her as a friend but I’m starting to dread talking to her, and I don’t have many other people that I’m close to.

AIBU? What should I do? Should I say something? I don’t want to start any arguments or anything so I’m tempted to just leave it, but I also don’t know if I can handle it for much longer, it’s draining.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovecats23 · 30/04/2020 10:27

@LovingLola that’s what I’ve been thinking, I’m just really worried that she’ll ask why I’m suddenly not answering the phone

OP posts:
Whataroyalannoyance · 30/04/2020 10:28

Stop talking to her daily. When you are talking to a one upper you will never get support

Umnoway · 30/04/2020 10:29

Just don’t message her as often if she’s making you feel down. There’s no point wasting energy on someone like this at the best of times, never mind in the midst of a pandemic.

imsooverthisdrama · 30/04/2020 10:31

I wouldn't speak multiple times a day at the minute what the hell can you talk about ?

Neverender · 30/04/2020 10:32

I only speak to my mum once a day - how many times a day do you speak?!

ChangeThePassword · 30/04/2020 10:32

Can see it now!

It does sound draining. It's it possible she is feeling the same things about you as you are about her? I'm not saying it's necessarily fair or justified, but from what you say it does sound like you both do your share of complaining about the current situation.

I would try to find other things to speak about. What you'll do when it's over, maybe? Or find some good news stories to share? And yes, speak less to each other than you do currently.

LouiseCollina · 30/04/2020 10:33

YANBU OP. I recognise this dynamic from a past friendship I walked out on. Just cut ties because my friend was chronically addicted to moaning and I had a pain in my arse listening to it. She was 24/7 round the clock non-stop fucking moaning. Everything and anything was fair game for a moan. I spent years telling her she was depressed and suggesting medication/counselling before I closed the door on it. Funny thing is every now and then she pops up on my FB page to make a barbed comment about my not having visited her in years. Turns out when I’d had enough of her moaning I turned into something to moan about, Hmm Cut your losses, life’s too short.

Original poster
Ilovecats23 · 30/04/2020 10:33

@imsooverthisdrama Honestly it’s just general chitchat, usually it’s just nice to talk to an adult for both of us because we have young DCs who aren’t talking yet 😂

OP posts:
inwood · 30/04/2020 10:35

Personally I couldn't cope with talking to someone that many times a day on the phone. I don't have much to say to anyone at the moment. Talking for talking's sake as my husband would say.

Original poster
Ilovecats23 · 30/04/2020 10:38

@ChangeThePassword I wondered that myself, so I’ve been making an effort to not complain. But she called this morning and I answered to make sure she was okay and my DS started crying in the background and instantly she jumps in with ‘just imagine if you were here, it would be so much harder’. I didn’t even say anything about the crying, just went to deal with it (accidentally crawled under a table and couldn’t get back out)

OP posts:
CoraPirbright · 30/04/2020 10:38

Could you say something along the lines of that you have been feeling really low recently with all the horrid news and isolation and that, to help your mental health, you are doing your very best to be very positive. So only positive things please! Then when she starts moaning again, immediately protest “no no! Only positive things!” It might help her to moan less and cut the one-upmanship of misery but at the very least, you can broach the subject with her. Must be horribly draining. Or else cut the conversations short with incoming other calls, time for your YouTube yoga session or whatever.

vanillandhoney · 30/04/2020 10:38

Blimey, why are you calling each other so often?

MashedSpud · 30/04/2020 10:39

I’d cut her out of my life. I can’t abide positivity vacuums and martyrs.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 30/04/2020 10:39

Cut back on the comms. Who talks to someone that much in a day Grin

Ignore her calls and messages and just set yourself a time when you know you will be calm and relaxed and then message.

Keep it light. Don't ask how she is doing.

If all else fails, next time she complains about how hard it is say "well, be thankful you don't have to listen to someone whine on about it all day like I do" and hang up.

ChangeThePassword · 30/04/2020 10:39

Gosh! Why does she think she has it so much harder?

JKScot4 · 30/04/2020 10:41

Maybe it’s time to honest and tell her that her incessant moaning is wearing you down.
She’s what we call 2 shits, if you said you had a shit she’ll have had two! 🤣
Always worse off, always more unwell etc etc

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 30/04/2020 10:42

Honestly, you need to grow say something to her. It probably will cause some upset but what about you? What about how her negativity is draining you?

If she is suffering clinical depression then I'd try and keep the friendship but I would talk to her about the effect she is having on you and I would try and help her. If she is just a whinger, I'd get rid.

strawberry2017 · 30/04/2020 10:46

I knew someone like this at work - my god she used to drain me
If your kid had a cold - hers had the plague
If you said you hadn't slept great - she'd been up all night.
She used to follow me, watch me and started copying me too, it got very odd but was noticed by my manager so I wasn't imagining it!
Everything was always do over the top and dramatic that I stopped asking which was awkward coz I sat next to her 😂 but it got to the stage where I didn't believe anything she said.
She eventually got another job and sat further away from me and I'm polite if I see her but literally make no effort anymore.
It was much healthier for me to walk away.

RavioliJoe · 30/04/2020 10:48

She’s not actually a friend. I know that sounds harsh but your role in her life is to listen to her whinging and agree with everything she says. If you stop fulfilling that role she will seek it elsewhere.

You’re supposed to come away from a conversation with a friend feeling better, even if things in both your lives are difficult.

Reduce contact with her and I can guarantee she’ll find a replacement in no time.

CallMeRachel · 30/04/2020 10:48

It sounds like depression to me. Her moaning and saying her life is much worse than yours is because whether it's true or not, that's how she's feeling at the moment.

Again, this is a prime example of how hard living with poor mental health is. No one in friends or family seems to want to know or help. If it's not all laughs and giggles about superficial fake shit people don't care.

Op, just say to her that you've noticed she's really down and sounding quite depressed on the phone and ask if there's anything you can do to help her feel better. Rather than letting her moan, turn it round so she can look for solutions rather than wallowing in self pity.

It's hard though, it's draining having people like this in your life but she's clearly struggling.

UnalignedAnt · 30/04/2020 10:50

I wouldn't say anything outright, but I would pull back a little. Message or reply less and, when you do text her, keep the tone light. If she does comment on the lack of response, can you say that you are cutting back on your general phone time as it's making you stressed (blame it on social media or something)?

I have something similar in a group chat I'm in. It used to be funny conversations and pics but since lockdown it's become a pain in the arse. I was very unwell with Covid last month and barely posted unless prompted as I felt so awful. Now it's all constant one upmanship from one of them (my sciatica, my hernia!) as if she's trying to outdo the fact I was unwell. Very weird.

Sorry, went on a rant then. The way I see it, your friend seems like she's actively trying to bring you down. Not a great trait in a friend. I know she's your best friend, but have you others you can chat with? It does sound so draining.

FallonSwift · 30/04/2020 10:50

‘just imagine if you were here, it would be so much harder’

You know what ? I didn't actually say anything about DS crying. But you have jumped on it and used it as an opportunity to have a pop about how you are worse off. You do this all the time and it is really, really draining. You are my friend and I care about you, but I need to be honest - I can't cope with multiple phone calls a day where all you do is complain and tell me that I have it easier than you.