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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really fed up with my friend.

78 replies

Ilovecats23 · 30/04/2020 10:24

I might be being unreasonable so please tell me if I am, but if not tell me how to approach this.

My best friend has lately been really difficult to talk to. Obviously with lockdown life is feeling a lot more difficult at the moment and sometimes I’m having a really bad day, but she always has to say that her day/life/child is worse.
Every single time we talk (multiple times a day) she complains about something, and I try my absolute best to be supportive and offer advice, but if I complain about anything she just says ‘at least you haven’t got my life’ or ‘I’d swap with you but then you’d be worse off’.

Personally I wouldn’t say either of us have it worse, life is just difficult and some days one of us has been screamed at by a toddler all day while the other has had a pretty quiet day, but it’s starting to feel like a constant competition.

I honestly can’t take much more of it, I don’t want to lose her as a friend but I’m starting to dread talking to her, and I don’t have many other people that I’m close to.

AIBU? What should I do? Should I say something? I don’t want to start any arguments or anything so I’m tempted to just leave it, but I also don’t know if I can handle it for much longer, it’s draining.

OP posts:

Summersunandoranges · 30/04/2020 10:51

She probably doesn’t realise she’s claiming the conversation. My grandmother does the same to me. When I get off the phone I’m drained and feel really low.

Cut back the calls. Say your sorting the house out.

Original poster

Ilovecats23 · 30/04/2020 10:53

@CallMeRachel I completely agree that she’s struggling. She already takes meds and I’ve tried asking her if she thinks she should go and get the amount/type reviewed but she refuses to go. I’ve said that I’m worried about her mental health and she says I’m just over worrying... I can’t force her to go so I’m not sure what else to do!
I go to therapy for anxiety and I tried suggesting that too but she doesn’t believe it works.. is there anything else I could suggest?

OP posts:

Summersunandoranges · 30/04/2020 10:54

Also I’d switch it - no time complain about anything, if she says about her life being worse off - agree with her. Say you feel sorry for you and then talk about how good the kids have been today, how relaxed you feel and intact your having a ball!

DowntonCrabby · 30/04/2020 10:56

It’s shit she’s struggling but you can’t be supportive to the detriment of your own mental health.

Cut back the chatting to once a day or less if you’re not getting anything out of it.

If it’s too difficult to be honest and things are likely to go back to normal with you once lockdown’s over I’d tell her you’re having a break from everyone to try and keep your MH in tact as long as this continues.

DowntonCrabby · 30/04/2020 10:57

I mean go back to normal with your relationship after lockdown but this could be a wider issue than what we’re all currently going through.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 30/04/2020 10:58

I cany imagine why you would talk that often, what is there to say? Once a day would be far too much for me even family

Blurby · 30/04/2020 11:00

I completely agree with @CallMeRachel

CallMeRachel · 30/04/2020 11:01

I completely agree that she’s struggling. She already takes meds and I’ve tried asking her if she thinks she should go and get the amount/type reviewed but she refuses to go. I’ve said that I’m worried about her mental health and she says I’m just over worrying... I can’t force her to go so I’m not sure what else to do! I go to therapy for anxiety and I tried suggesting that too but she doesn’t believe it works.. is there anything else I could suggest?

You're right, you can't force her to go.

Aside from asking her what she thinks would help right now there's not much you can do other than be a hand hold.

As you also are suffering MH issues you could probably say to her that you need to cut back on the phone calls from her if she's moany as it's affecting your mental wellbeing.

LellyMcKelly · 30/04/2020 11:02

Agree with her. Every time she says something negative just reply, “Yes, it’s terrible, isn’t it?”

Iwalkinmyclothing · 30/04/2020 11:02

I had a neighbour I would have said had become a close friend. She went through a bad time, she talked and cried to me about it over and over and over. Of course she did- that's what friends do, isn't it? But then one day, I was going through a bad time, and she would not listen to me, or be there for me, or support me... I had a sudden realisation that our relationship was entirely one sided. I was there to soak up her sadness and anger and offer her support. There was no mutuality. She was the one who vented and took support, I was the one who listened and gave support. The look on her face the night I wanted to talk about my shit situation will never leave my memory, I don't think.

Original poster

Ilovecats23 · 30/04/2020 11:03

@NoMorePoliticsPlease Both of our husbands are still working, working more than usual even, at the moment and we don’t see anyone else obviously so I think it’s just become a habit to survive the loneliness! If I tried speaking to my mum this often I think I’d lose the plot a little 😂

OP posts:

ppeatfruit · 30/04/2020 11:05

Tell her your phone bill is getting too high (have you a partner ? you can say they've mentioned we can't afford it) ,then ask her about hers. Say we need to cut down on the calls. Then don't answer her!!!! You've explained why!!! maybe every other day! for a short time.

If she still moans say you're trying to look on the bright side of life etc. tell her to eat really healthy fresh foods that make people feel better, that is what you're doing !!!!!!

Winniewonka · 30/04/2020 11:06

Next time she phones you say "Friend, would you agree that we've known each other long enough to be honest with each other?" She'll hopefully agree. Then say " You probably don't realise that you've got into the habit of trying to make me feel guilty because you think your lockdown is tougher than mine. It's tough for everyone. I'll give you an example, when were talking and my child was wanting attention, you said I bet you're glad that didn't happen at my place (or whatever comparison she made). So the next time you do it, I'm going to say to you that you're doing it again"
She might take the huff, but I think she'll be that desperate to talk, she might just think before she speaks.

ppeatfruit · 30/04/2020 11:07

Become a fresh fruit bore!!!!!

brassbrass · 30/04/2020 11:08

Say this to her!

Bringringbring12 · 30/04/2020 11:12

* just imagine if you were here, it would be so much harder’. *

So what’s the actual detail of her situation? How does it differ from yours?

Tiredmumma89 · 30/04/2020 11:14

I find friendships can change massively as you grow, change and have kids of your own. If someone doesn't make you feel positive and supported then you need to step back and invest less.

There is nothing worse than people dismissing how you feel. Even if your friend feels she's in a worse situation she should also be there for you.

It wasn't quite the same but I had a friend in my late teens. We were besties. She had a child 5 years into the friendship. I had one 18 months after she did. When I had my child I realised she was selfish. She put herself first and her child first. She only would do what she wanted to do. She always decided where we ate. She would say she didn't fancy whatever I fancied (chippy carvery etc) she asked me to babysit her DD. She had 3-4 cinema trips etc whilst I had her DD. Was I ever offered anything? Nope! She started letting her child be far to rough around my newborn. She had no control over her. Let her climb allover my house. Hit my baby. Steal her dummy. Scream in her face. Rip bibs from her neck. I eventually had to be honest. I had to say our kids were at the wrong age and I would rather meet up without them. She if ignored me for two years. We then got pregnant at the same time and we got back in touch. It was nice at first because our older ones were at nursery and school. So we met with our babies. But I soon realised we just were different people. She was all about herself again and only wanted to meet on days and times she wanted. She went mardy if I had to cancel etc. In November I just stopped replying to her messages and we don't talk now at all. Sorry to tell you my story but the fact is people are not always for life. She irritates you so find others to be close to. I have a friend I met five years ago and she is the nicest mum friend I could ever ask for. She isn't in my face. She always cares. She is great with my kids. I am the same back to her. My old friend never even spoke to my kids or offered then a snack at her house. She never gave me good vibes at all.

PinkMonkeyBird · 30/04/2020 11:38

I have something similar going on with a friend who also thinks it is a competition. I'm giving support but trying to deflect the negativity.

tara66 · 30/04/2020 11:57

Haven't read all the posts. Just tell her she is very negative and pulls you down - don't mince words. She feels better after a moan but you feel worse. Also it's very bad form and unBritish to moan. It is just bad manners because you are not thinking of the other person. Also what exactly is she trying to achieve? It's a waste of time.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 30/04/2020 12:04

My DM is like this - I've supported her so much, spoken to her multiple times a day every day, looked after her and basically been there whenever she needed me.

I went through a tough time a few months ago and needed to talk to her (just the once). All I got is 'you're so draining, why are you being so miserable'.

I sympathise OP. You've got your own MH issues and don't let her cause you bigger problems.

Misspretty · 30/04/2020 12:05

I think you need to tell her how you feel
Her negativity is bringing you down and as such you need to limit your contact
Multiple times a day is just too much

NeverHadANickname · 30/04/2020 12:12

I think I would ask her why every time. If she says it is worse here or whatever ask why, what is going on at hers? Is it really worse? It might help her realise it is not worse. She could be catastrophising and not realise, it could help her put it into perspective.

Whataloadofshite · 30/04/2020 12:15

I've got someone who's absolutely doing my head in, and has been doing for while, but lockdown has shown me just how bad it's been. I've known her for years and she is one of those people who just refuses to help herself in any way. I've tried so hard to help her with everything, multiple times, but every time she just doesn't make the effort. I've got to the point where I just haven't got the emotional energy to do it anymore, so I've been slowly retreating. Lockdown means she can't come and visit which is such a fucking relief, honestly.

There have been times when I've needed support really badly, and she's come to visit and it turns out that I end up taking care of her, and she just sits around letting me do everything and not asking me how I am or if I want help. I can't cope with it anymore. She's a guest in my house and I am a good host, but when I am feeling awful and she doesn't even ask if I need any help, it's so frustrating.

She's got health issues that she just won't face up to or get help for, and I've tried so hard to get her to face up to them, but she won't. I've helped her with depression, anxiety stuff, food issues etc, helped her work through every little thing in her life and been supportive, but she just doesn't make the effort. If I won't do it for her, she just won't bother. I've tried to coax her to get proper help and even found her the right info and people to talk to, but nope. She's just going through life not making any effort and being incredibly draining. I hate saying this - but she is incredibly lazy.

I think I'm just done at this point. Sorry for the ranting but I can't cope with a friendship that's basically her taking everything with me doing all the giving.

Standrewsschool · 30/04/2020 12:19

I agree, cut down the calls. Although it’s nice to chat in this difficult time, you’re not obliged to answer every time she calls, or texts. If she gets cross because you don’t respond, just say you were with dc. Maybe call her out on her negativity. Give suggestions on how to improve the situation (eg. Gp if depressed, ).

Maybe if you need the human contact, look online for quizes, support groups, etc. A couple of local bands are doing weekly live streams which are great, as you can listen to their music, send in questions which they directly respond to. It’s quite exciting to have up your question read out, if only by the local singer who no one has heard of outside your town! There must be some online mum and toddler groups,you can find and join.

You asked for alternatives to gp. A counsellor friend suggested to me an app called Calm. I believe there is a free offer on at the moment. It’s good at reducing anxiety and stress levels.

NotSorry · 30/04/2020 12:20

is there anything else I could suggest?

She doesn’t want your suggestions, she wants to complain. If she took you up on one of your suggestions and it worked then she couldn’t complain.

I agree with a PP, if she comes out with a “oh it’d be much worse in my house” type comment, ask her how does she come to that conclusion?

I’d definitely be cutting down the multiple calls

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