To be really fed up with my friend.

[Ilovecats23]

I might be being unreasonable so please tell me if I am, but if not tell me how to approach this.

My best friend has lately been really difficult to talk to. Obviously with lockdown life is feeling a lot more difficult at the moment and sometimes I’m having a really bad day, but she always has to say that her day/life/child is worse.
Every single time we talk (multiple times a day) she complains about something, and I try my absolute best to be supportive and offer advice, but if I complain about anything she just says ‘at least you haven’t got my life’ or ‘I’d swap with you but then you’d be worse off’.

Personally I wouldn’t say either of us have it worse, life is just difficult and some days one of us has been screamed at by a toddler all day while the other has had a pretty quiet day, but it’s starting to feel like a constant competition.

I honestly can’t take much more of it, I don’t want to lose her as a friend but I’m starting to dread talking to her, and I don’t have many other people that I’m close to.

AIBU? What should I do? Should I say something? I don’t want to start any arguments or anything so I’m tempted to just leave it, but I also don’t know if I can handle it for much longer, it’s draining.

YANBU, but for heaven's sake don't talk multiple times a day! It sounds as if your friend just says the same stuff all the time. Dreadful waste of time, when either of you could be doing more enjoyable things.

You're being very kind and patient, OP. But you're not doing each other any good. Talking isn't helping her get it off her chest. It's doing the opposite, bulding up her unhappiness. It's harming her mental health. And she's dragging you down too.

Just let her know you're really busy, but could make time for a chat at, say, 3pm. And keep it to once or twice a day (that's still more than I talk to the people I love most, btw).

I find most of the responses on this thread inexplicable. What is this thing about having to pretend you are feeling happy all the time? It makes me think of American self help books!

Sometimes life feels shit. Feelings don't always match objective reality that's why rich and successful people get depressed too. That's mental health 101.

I hope if I go through a phase of feeling life is really hard (whether it 'really' is or not) then my friends would have time for me and I would do the same for them. If it's too much for you, that's fine and you have a right to cut back the time you spend talking to her but don't blame her for her feelings.

@Ilovecats23 - I think that what @Winniewonka said was pretty spot on. Or you could say "It's not a competition, and it would be nice if you could give me some support and encouragement, in the same way I do for you".

I'm struggling with a friend right now who keeps on texting me with ridiculous bragging - every day they go on family country walks, then the children help her change the beds, tidy their rooms, hours spent independent reading and studying. This perfect life shoved down my throat complete with boring pics of her daily baking. I realise that it's the opposite to what you're getting, OP but it gives me the rage that she's using my time to paint a fictional picture of the Durrells or whatever she thinks she has. I know it's all fiction as her children's social media tells a different story.

What I'm trying to say is, these people are draining and we are all trying to keep going so do yourself a favour and reduce contact, right now.

If she’s not normally like that, she might be losing perspective, which is easy to do in this situation.

You need to say "You know what I realised during lockdown Lucy is that our chats have actually became moaning competitions. I don't think it's helping either of us. From now on if we need a moan or a vent by all means have one but let's stop the competition of who has it worse and let's stop with moaning for no reason." It might be easier than saying "oi moaning minnie give it a fucking rest will you"

I have friend like this. All doom and gloom. Loves complaining, gossiping,
And off loading everything on to me, shit stirring, I can't be dealing with it. So I never answer her calls, just text her to say I've been busy . Just say to your friend that your mobile is broken and cut her off for a few weeks

Cut back on the calls, I’m lonely too but wouldn’t know what to say 2-3 times a day .

How about
'i can tell you are feeling very down and I really think you should contact your gp/therapist etc., until then could we try to find positives to talk about, it would hopefully lighten both our moods in this shit situation'.

When moaning on the phone (me or others) I often say, but have you experienced some nice things today or do you have any juicy gossip in a lighthearted tone. That usually diverts the moaning.

There are some people who are so self obsessed they can't support, or even discuss anything to do with anyone else. We had a 'friend' like that she would glaze over if we mentioned anything about our own lives . She used to moan that she had no friends! Well she has 2 fewer now! I doubt that she has any old ones. Maybe they take after their own narc. parents.

usually it’s just nice to talk to an adult for both of us

No, it's nice for her. Not for you, certainly not now.

She doesn't feel she needs any more help because she has a way of letting off steam - talking to you so often. You're actually enabling her by listening to her moaning several times a day, you're her coping mechanism.

Lockdown is difficult for everyone, but she's improving her mental health at the expense of making yours worse. It's therefore entirely reasonable to either let the friendship go completely or drastically reduce the contact. And I’m just really worried that she’ll ask why I’m suddenly not answering the phone - remember that if she does, it's only because she wants to use you as her punchbag and you're not playing. It's not because she wants a friendly chat.

I have friend like this. All doom and gloom

This is called depression. This is exactly what depression is.

Everybody on this thread is piling on to heap criticism on your friend and congratulate themselves about their own aggressive and brusque solutions. This is exactly why people with depression feel lonely. People with depression in RL don't behave like they do in films. In films people get depression when something understandably awful happens to them, then they cry and they say 'I am depressed, please help me'. In RL people get depressed for reasons other people either don't know about or don't understand and they very often don't even know it themselves or can't name the problem, instead they tend to see the world in grey and pessimistic terms.

Your friend is depressed. You don't have to be there all the time for her if you can't cope but there is no need to criticise her for her feelings. have empathy and then sort out a way you can make her feel heard and cared for without being overwhelmed yourself.

Personally I couldn't cope with talking to someone that many times a day on the phone. I don't have much to say to anyone at the moment.

This

Depression in films:

1. Something terrible happens
2. The victim of the terrible event cries a lot and says 'I'm so depressed please listen to me and keep me company'
3. Friends decide the person deserves to be depressed and they listen to her and look after her and this helps her feel better

Depression in RL

1. No big or terrible event occurs but one day somebody begins to feel gloomy and pessimistic because of ongoing stress or just for no reason
2. The person begins to view the world in grey. They don't even know they are doing this. They really need people to be there for them
3. Everybody decides the person doesn't 'deserve' to feel depressed and they should pull themselves together
4. The depressed person feels even worse. vicious circle

Gee thanks Dr martysouth for that online diagnosis

There are so many generalisations in your post I don't even know where to start.

I agree the friend is probably depressed @MartySouth, that's why I suggested op should try again with the get help theme.

But it doesn't help the friend that she is bringing the op down too. She needs to get professional help if her depression is bad, it's not up to the op, and op is the one asking for help here.

In a similar boat, OP. Got a friend who has always struggled with happiness, mental wellbeing - she cannot recognise anything good in her life and constantly compares what she has/hasn't got to everyone else. I've tried so hard over the years to help and support her, either by simply just being there, offering advice, trying to proactively help, go a bit 'tough love' or take a kind and gentle approach. She is a drain but I've always put up with that side of her because she's such an old friend and I care for her wellbeing.

However, in this situation her constant competitive negativity has just gone too far, and I can't bring myself to engage with her any more. Isolation is really fucking shit and hard on everyone for totally different reasons. We don't need to one-up each other on who has it worse on top of it! I'm generally quite an upbeat person, but I'm not allowed a bad day even in this situation, because hers is always worse. I won't say anything now because I don't want to negatively impact on her mental health, but I honestly don't know if I will be able to look past this side of her any more once it's over.

If I were you and you want to preserve your friendship long-term, I'd cut down on the constant contact. There's little else to do than talk about isolation which is draining in itself, so the thrice-daily chats are probably compounding the problem.

I'm not a doctor or nurse or anybody trained in mental health at all.
However, I have suffered depression and many people I know have too. This situation is understandably annoying for the OP and she needs to carve back some space in her life. That's no reason for so many people to pile on and saw how awful the friend is though. The friend is depressed. There is room to feel empathy for both sides.

I find it sad how people talk so dismissively even angrily about somebody who is having a bad time.

Martysouth please don't make the mistake of assuming that nobody else on this thread has ever suffered with depression or mental health problems.

Yes depression can be a selfish condition, because you focus inwards, you can lose all sense of care about yourself let alone anyone else. You don't think about the impact of your actions on other people because you can feel that you aren't worth anything so your actions have no 'weight' anyway.

However depression does not suddenly make you competitive, nasty, judgemental. What it can do is amplify those character traits it they were already there. And depressed or not, nobody has the right to bash someone else down.

I have lots of empathy for the op. It must be draining for her.

I just don't understand the aggressive comments about the friend. If you describe somebody as being all doom and gloom that means they are depressed. Depressed people need empathy not savage, nasty criticism.

The op doesn't need to be the one to help the friend. It's understandably too much for her. The op needs to find a way to put up some boundaries. I think that's possible without at the same time saying the friend is awful. The friend is depressed. Have empathy for BOTH of them.

Winniewonka and CalmdownJanet both have good suggestions of how you can bring it up to her in a nice way.

Normally I would think bringing it up would be awkward. Except that you speak on the phone multiple times per day?! You must be the absolute best of best friends that ever best friended. So surely you can discuss anything and everything with her. And in fact you must already do that to fill that many hours of conversation.

If you describe somebody as being all doom and gloom that means they are depressed. Depressed people need empathy not savage, nasty criticism.

Not necessarily, someone complaining a lot doesn't automatically equal clinical depression.

Nobody has been aggressive or savage on this thread!

You know what she is like now, so best curtail a lot of the chat things, it is only making you feel annoyed etc. I am sure that there will be a lot of lonely people out there, who will go quite inward, and feel the need to offload to others, but you have to do your own thing, and not get into other peoples complaints.