Unplanned baby no. 3

[Eddieblue78]

I found out earlier this week that I am six weeks pregnant with our third child. I was on the contraceptive pill so obviously an unplanned pregnancy. We had never ruled out a third child but had planned on waiting a few more years until we were more settled financially. Our children are 5 and 2. My partner is self employed and I am currently a stay at home mum.
My partner is pretty adamant that I should have an abortion. He is worried we can’t afford another child right now (especially considering all the economic worried due to Covid 19). If we had the child it would mean he being financially responsible for all of us for maybe another two years which I do feel really guilty about. Things would be tight but not unmanageable but he feels our two children will miss out if we have a third. And everything he is saying to me logically makes sense but I can’t bring myself to do it. I have been crying non stop. I had an abortion in a previous relationship nearly eight years ago. Although I do feel that was the right decision under the circumstances I really scarred me for life and I can’t imagine doing it again. I can’t get over that this baby has a heartbeat already and I have this weird thing that makes me feel like it’s a girl.
I love my partner very much and part of me wants to be able to do this for him but I just don’t know if I can and if I can live with the consequences.
I am sorry this is a bit heavy but I would really appreciate some advice. I don’t know if I am being unreasonable or not. Hormones are making my emotions wild as it is! Thank you x

1. It’s not his choice to make and 2. He shouldn’t put pressure on you to go one way or another at all

Do you have your baby things still from your 2 year old? The baby stage can be extremely cheap if you need it to be and by the time expense start rising you could be back at work ? x

Ultimately it's your body and if you don't want an abortion then you definitely shouldn't be pressured into one. What was your job before having children? Could you return to work after a short maternity leave so the financial burden is lifted from your husband?

Thanks for replying ❤️

We do actually. The only things I think we would need would be new bottles, steriliser etc if we ended up bottle feeding. We would have a spare room for the baby too but our car is quite small so I know he is worried about having to change that.

Sorry I made an assumption that you were married is that not the case?

Candles, thank you for you reply.
Oh dw we aren’t married but have been together for six years. I am currently training to become a doula which I was hoping to start receiving an income from in early next year. But selfishly I don’t know if I would be able to continue doing that if I have a termination.
I am not work shy though I would work wherever to help support my family!

You are partners but it is your body and it's unreasonable of him to expect you to willingly put yourself through something that you have already been severely traumatised by- again.
Isn't there anyone else you can lean on for financial support?
Maybe it's a bit too idealistic of me, but I like to think "where there's a will there's a way"... and it sounds like yoy really have the will to keep this baby.

I think that some things are simply just bigger than money. You will cut your clothe and make it work. It might be difficult. I can see the reasons he is stressed. Ideally babies are planned and we have financially planned for them. However we all know life is not always ideal. Dont have an abortion purely based on money. Follow your gut instinct.

Only you can decide the final outcome so the decision rests with you.

He can decide if he chooses to stay in the relationship based on that decision.

It’s not only about baby bottles. Three children will be very expensive and even if you do return to work in two years you’ll have a large unemployed gap so will be more limited job wise and childcare for three will be a huge monthly bill.

He would have to provide alone for five in a very uncertain economic world. He’s also right to consider the financial impact on the existing children who don’t have any say in it.

What concerns me is how vulnerable you are as a unmarried SAHM. If you do split up or something happens to him, you will have three children to support on universal credit plus whatever the current rate is for child mantainance.

You already know you want to keep the baby. Work from that point onwards. I would be looking at developing secondary income around being a doula (e.g. online classes/baby sling consultant/books etc.) that would fit in with your family. I would also push to get married - it can be done cheaply and offers protection to your children.

Neither of you is unreasonable. You both have valid reasons for your side of argument.
Shame is that whatever happens one side will be put under immense stress and end up resenting the other

Ultimately it is your decision, he has his opinion but you have yours as well, and as the mother you are the one that actually has to actively end the pregnancy, so I always think its all very well men wanting to terminate when they're not the ones that actually have to do it.

I do think if ypu go ahead though you need to think about how you will support the family income wise. Nothing against doulas but I know a lot of women who are in the income bracket to be able to afford a doula and I don't know anyone who's used one. Sorry but it feels like a risky thing to be training in, especially in the midst of a very likely significant economic downturn. Could you agree to rethink in training something related that will bring in a more reliable income, eg a midwife or nanny? Or would you be prepared to stock with whatever you were doing before to take the pressure off financially?

Why don’t you say you’ll have the baby and if we come out of lockdown you’ll still go back to work and perhaps leave the baby with family as childcare or offer online classes or classes like NCT after your hubby comes home . Not sure if this is an option but surely it’s better than an abortion mentally speaking and it also means you are bringing money in so strain not on him. Also he should have worn protection too, it’s wrong to rely solely on a hormonal treatment and do nothing to prevent a pregnancy and then insist the woman terminates. However it does worry me somewhat that you mention you think it’s a girl - what if it’s a boy - will you both resent it? It’s definitely your choice not his and I think you need to weigh everything up. Would family not give you some money if they knew you were struggling? If it’s a girl it can still wear boy clothes. The car probably is the biggest change potentially needing made but think out the box their too- no need to buy new, or even fancy just practical. If the middle seat in the back has a diagonal belt then you may not even need to change the car, just means the 2 year old will need to use a buggy board on babies pram.

I think yabu posting on here when it's been a contraceptive failure and your dp has made his feelings really clear.

He's clearly said he can't/doesn't want to be forced into further financial responsibilities and doesn't want it to proceed. You were in agreement to wait also, until this.

Ultimately it's your body your choice but imo it could destroy your relationship if you go ahead.

It's not just the extra costs of bottles and sterilisers it's the ongoing childcare and ever increasing costs of living, children also cost more as they get older.

As he is a self employed person who is the sole earner in the family I think you need to take his feelings into major consideration.

If it comes down to purely finances then I think you'd need to show him how you plan to be able to contribute sooner rather than later.

Thank you for all your replies. Really appreciate it.

Obviously I am very aware three children are expensive especially as they get older and this is what concerns me rather than the baby stage.
As for my vulnerability, thank you I appreciate your concerns, but when we bought our house we both signed a legal agreement that covers us both should we split. We both also have insurance.

I probably should have explained that training to be a doula is kind of a means of “keeping my toe in” before my son starts school and I can work nights as a maternity support assistant before training to be a midwife (hopefully) when my kids are in their teens. But obviously that would be delayed a few more years were we to have another.

I have this battle of emotion vs logic going on in my head. I have made a telephone appointment with the clinic to try and assess my options termination wise.

You are so vulnerable without marriage and haven't said what your previous career was in. If you want this baby the compromise might be that you have to find work and have a very short maternity leave, that has to be more palatable for both of you.

I've just seen your update and I think you need to start your midwife training as is practical after the baby is born. I don't really understand why you are delaying the training until the children are teenagers when you are so vulnerable financially and you are struggling with money.

The final decision on an abortion is yours.

But why can’t you get a decent job until your children are teens?! This is madness!

Childcare costs should come out of joint income, not just the mothers.

You need to be progressing with your career now.

I dont know much about doulas. Why are you choosing to do this temporarily, rather than straight to maternity assistant?

As a poster has already said, either way, someone is going to feel some relief whilst the other some grief, so you really need to talk to eachother so that whichever decision is reached, it will be done with some support and reassurance. It won't take away the fact that you can't both have your way, but the alternative is potentially you becoming a single mum or left with massive regrets about your decision.

I personally would go with the abortion. You will only go back to where you were before, you can focus on your training so you can go back to work sooner and consider a 3rd at a time you are both ready. It will be hard but I think more surmountable than having a 3rd with your oh very unhappy about it and potentially you regretting it.

Don’t have an abortion if it’s not 100% what you want. You may regret it for the rest of your life. Don’t do it just because that’s what your DP wants.

It's still early and I wonder if your partner is still in shock. It sounds like you want this baby. What would you regret more?
You are jointly responsible for contraception and he has to deal with it too.

Also 'doing it for him' - no op. You're one with the kids all day so it would have to be for you.

Of you want to keep the baby then keep it. Yoir body your choice! Please do not let him make you feel guilty, he us a grown man who knows the consequences of sex (no contraception is 100% effective) every baby is a blessing

Access to abortion was meant to be a way out for women who didn't want to have a child, not something to be pushed towards because others or society thinks you shouldn't have a other baby.

And it sounds like you are perfectly happy to have this child, you just need to work out the practicalities.

you just need to work out the practicalities
I wouldn't call 'getting your oh to believe it's the right decision and to be happy with it a 'practicality'. Only MN!

This is your child you're talking about. Loving your children as you do now would you go back and end their life if the timing was inconvenient? You clearly don't want to abort your baby. If it was me I would put my child above my partner. He could leave you tomorrow no matter what decision you make. If you had the abortion surely you would resent him forever?

We conceived dc3 by accident when dc2 was just 6 months old. It was financially and emotionally a strain but I can't imagine our lives without her. I'm sorry you're in this position