Unplanned baby no. 3

[Eddieblue78]

I found out earlier this week that I am six weeks pregnant with our third child. I was on the contraceptive pill so obviously an unplanned pregnancy. We had never ruled out a third child but had planned on waiting a few more years until we were more settled financially. Our children are 5 and 2. My partner is self employed and I am currently a stay at home mum.
My partner is pretty adamant that I should have an abortion. He is worried we can’t afford another child right now (especially considering all the economic worried due to Covid 19). If we had the child it would mean he being financially responsible for all of us for maybe another two years which I do feel really guilty about. Things would be tight but not unmanageable but he feels our two children will miss out if we have a third. And everything he is saying to me logically makes sense but I can’t bring myself to do it. I have been crying non stop. I had an abortion in a previous relationship nearly eight years ago. Although I do feel that was the right decision under the circumstances I really scarred me for life and I can’t imagine doing it again. I can’t get over that this baby has a heartbeat already and I have this weird thing that makes me feel like it’s a girl.
I love my partner very much and part of me wants to be able to do this for him but I just don’t know if I can and if I can live with the consequences.
I am sorry this is a bit heavy but I would really appreciate some advice. I don’t know if I am being unreasonable or not. Hormones are making my emotions wild as it is! Thank you x

I have every sympathy for you. A couple of weeks ago I really thought I was pregnant with what would be our 4th which we absolutely didn't want. I did a pregnancy test and it game back with a very faint line. I was distraught as I was so ready to leave having babies behind me. However, I also have had an abortion in the past, and although I am absolutely pro choice, I have never forgiven myself and live with the guilt almost every day. It's not necessarily a logical feeling, which your partner needs to respect if not understand.
My husband would definitely choose for a pregnancy to be terminated if it was up to him, but he also understood that it's not that straightforward for the woman and he basically accepted that I couldn't do that again and we'd have to make it work.
Your partner needs to be more understanding and respect that it's your body and your choice to allow or disallow a life, which clearly isn't an easy choice. If you wanted 3 then a couple of years isn't going to make a lot of difference in the long run and may save your mental health.
Good luck in whatever you decide, but make sure it is your decision and one that you can live comfortably with.

@ViciousJackdaw

every baby is a blessing

You have no idea how ridiculous and insensitive this is.

Are women who cannot conceive not worthy of being 'blessed'?

I think you've misunderstood what the poster meant. They were saying every baby is a blessing...not that women unable to have a baby shouldn't be or aren't blessed.

I agree with the rest of your post though. I wouldn't call a baby conceived as the result of rape a blessing.

Or a baby born into poverty, with a family that can barely afford food.

I'm not normally one to quickly suggest this but I think in your case it may be a doable and appealing idea.

It's not easy and it requires organisation and determination on your part but what about being a childminder until you feel ready to do midwifery training?

Sounds like you have your own reasonably sized house, you've been self employed before so you know how tax and other admin works and you seem to genuinely like children

Ultimately the decision to continue the pregnancy or not is yours not his and you shouldn't be pressured into a decision that's not right for you but you do need to consider existing children too.

Anyway I hope that idea may help. I was a childminder when dd was little - as I say not easy and takes time to set up but I enjoyed it

I think you should follow your motherly instincts and protect your unborn baby. Look into ways to earn an income and present your partner with a plan, not a problem. He can't make you do anything you don't want to do.

You really need to talk to your partner. Could you possibly show him your original post? If he sees it he might understand what a hard time you’re having with the idea of a termination. Only you can make the final decision but from what you’ve written I think you will probably regret it terribly if you go ahead with an abortion. The consequences of this happening could take their toll on your relationship even more than another child would. Having said that you also need support if you go through with the pregnancy and want the reassurance from him that even though the situation isn’t what you both planned that he will still love you and the baby. The last thing you need during pregnancy is to feel insecure and I worry that you will feel that you’re burdening him. Be as honest with him as you can. You still have some time to decide and there is obviously so much to consider but if your mental health was to suffer that could be disastrous if you have two or three children. Also talk to your GP. They may be able to offer advice or suggest people that you can talk to. I hope everything works out alright. Best wishes to you

Dita

I agree that op has the final say as to whether she goes through with the pregnancy or not. If she values her relationship, I do think she should listen to her partners opinion and bear it in mind though- that is not to say she should just do as he wants and ignore her own feelings. Merely, that if she wants to remain in a partnership then whilst she gets the final say, it doesn’t bode well to declare that not only does he have no right to an opinion but that he is to be told how he must feel about it AND how he must behave (reassure her that he loves her, will support her etc).

The reality is that if you tell your partner their views don’t matter, only yours count, and this means they have to put up and shut up, whilst also being accepting, loving and supportive- because that’s what you want/need, then you have to accept they might decide to re-evaluate the relationship too.

Ultimately, OP gets to decide whether to have a termination or not, but she doesn’t get to decide how her partner feels about it all and demand he behave in the way she would like (though obviously he must support his children financially and be there for them).

It would be better if this were viewed as partners trying to come to a joint decision (with the tacit acknowledgement that op obviously has the final say) rather than a confrontational “My body, my choice so his feelings are irrelevant and he must just do whatever I want AND support me 100%”.

What a horrible situation, so sorry OP.

If it were me the relationship would already be damaged. I’d find it really hard to get past my partner being adamant about terminating a pregnancy and ignoring my obvious distress at the prospect.

It seems to me that you both need to find a way through this together and the first step towards that is you shouldering some of the financial load. You need to do that to protect yourself anyway, financial independence is important.

Please don’t have a termination you don’t want, however much your partner pressures you. It’s so unfair to ask you to throw your mental health under the bus like this.

@jacks11 you wrote it absolutely perfectly

It’s so unfair to ask you to throw your mental health under the bus like this.
The sad truth is that you could say the same about the partner. Being the one responsible financially is incredibly stressful. And how stressful can it be when one didn't even want to be in that situation. That's the problem with this situation. They both have very valid arguments for their side of it.

You clearly don't want an abortion OP, and shouldn't feel forced in to having one.

Can't you just go back to work, to ease the financial pressure on your OH?

Probably not the best time to have a third and is it any more fair to force your husband to have a third child than for him to push you to have an abortion

Clearly you want this baby, so don't have an abortion if you don't want one. Keeping the baby might destroy your relationship, but so might terminating.
Getting a job will help with the money issues, it will also protect you from being completely reliant on your boyfriend, and stop him from getting stressed about being the only provider. Whilst you are pregnant you could do a couple of free online course when your kids are in bed, to update your skills and make it easier to find work when you are ready. Working from home is going to be the new normal for a long while yet, so getting a part time job around the kids scheduled might not be ideal, but it would be doable.

Sorry Omg, I really don’t want to start a bunfight on this of all threads but OP’s partner chose to take sole financial responsibility for the family and that’s a situation that can be changed. Terminating a pregnancy is irreversible. You really can’t compare the two, especially in terms of mental health.

I can't spell :(

@Alsohuman I don't either. I know you and you can be properly civilised. Yes he did agree. I am not denying that. But this is a whole new situation with extra added pressure which would also last longer than previously anticipated.
I really believe it can be compared in terms of MH. There is hell of a lot more MH support for women in that situation rather then man or women in her partner's situation.

Again. Neither of them is wrong, both have valid feelings and arguments. Both have a tough choice ahead of them. There need to be rational discussion. If they absolutely cannot afford third, the other children must be taken into an account. It's a very touch choice. That's undeniable. But it really needs some more rationality into it than "all babies are blessing" as some pp already started with.

Omg, that’s genuinely one of the nicest things anyone’s said to me here. Thank you.

And, yes, we’re roughly on the same page here, I’m not in the all babies are blessings camp either.

@Alsohuman oh my! I've just realised how "I know you" sounded😂 I meant I know your handle here, not you personally

I knew that was what you meant. The “properly civilised” bit was lovely, thank you ☺️

@Alsohuman don't mention it. It's true

Do not get an abortion if you are being forced into it, which it clearly sounds like you are. I am very pro-choice and have had an abortion which I did not regret for one minute - but reading what you are saying I think this would be a terrible decision for you.

Alsohuman

I see your point- but why can’t her partner express his opinion about something as important as bringing another baby into the world? Obviously it is OP who gets the final say but I don’t think her distress or feelings are the only ones that matter in terms of the relationship- obviously she is entitled to ignore his views when making her decision.

Perhaps her DH is very worried about still having a job at the end of this, frantic with worry about how they are going to make ends meet and feeling under huge pressure as he is the sole earner (even though that was a joint decision). Maybe having another baby he feels unequipped to cope with financially (and possibly on a practical and emotional level at this time) is causing distress or he fears will push him a step too far? Obviously, if op cannot face an abortion then she should not have one- but I really think in a successful relationship both parties have to be able to be open about their feelings and feel their views matter.

@jacks11 I never said that the OP’s partner’s feelings aren’t relevant. I’ve clearly worded my post wrong as I didn’t mean to imply that at all. I meant that to go into a pregnancy that isn’t wanted by one of the parents would not be a great thing to do and if he’s certain that’s how he feels then of course it has to be a massive consideration. I apologise for for my badly worded post. In my defence it was extremely early!

I am sorry you are going through this. The same thing happened to my friend. She even went as far as going to the abortion clinic with him. But if anything the visit just made her more sure that she did not want one. She told him she was going to have the baby and he could stay or go. He stayed - they had a tough few years but everything is ok now. Re your car - your 5 year old should be ok with one of those inflatable boosters now. Google them on amazon - about £30 and will tell you min weight and height of child. These boosters fit between most car seats.

I think, based on what you've written here, that if you let yourself be forced into having an abortion, there's a very good chance you will start to hate your boyfriend. Which will do your existing children and your relationship no favours.

It would probably be worth seeing if there's a compromise to be made. Obviously baby/no baby is not something you can compromise on - one of you will be unhappy. But if the reason he wants you to get an abortion is that he's worried about money, that's an area where you might be able to change things. If you got a job, any job, that bought in money after your maternity leave, would that be enough to reassure him? That's a much easier change of plan to manage than having a new baby one of you didn't want or an abortion one of you didn't want. (I don't think counselling will/can make you think an abortion you categorically didn't want to have was a good idea - I don't think that's what it's for.)

If the reason isn't money, it might still be something that can be worked around. I would focus on that for a bit first and see if there's a way to address his concerns about the new baby, because I can't see terminating this pregnancy being something you manage to talk yourself into being happy with, from what you've said so far.

It's your body and it's a baby, if you don't want to get rid of your baby then he shouldn't be trying to make you. He doesn't get a say in this. Tell him that you do not want an abortion and that is that. He needs to drop the subject.
He may just be in shock and having a little panic but once you've told him no he should be leaving you alone.
With your partners support you can work even with 3 kids.