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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Unplanned baby no. 3

77 replies

Eddieblue78 · 30/04/2020 08:54

I found out earlier this week that I am six weeks pregnant with our third child. I was on the contraceptive pill so obviously an unplanned pregnancy. We had never ruled out a third child but had planned on waiting a few more years until we were more settled financially. Our children are 5 and 2. My partner is self employed and I am currently a stay at home mum.
My partner is pretty adamant that I should have an abortion. He is worried we can’t afford another child right now (especially considering all the economic worried due to Covid 19). If we had the child it would mean he being financially responsible for all of us for maybe another two years which I do feel really guilty about. Things would be tight but not unmanageable but he feels our two children will miss out if we have a third. And everything he is saying to me logically makes sense but I can’t bring myself to do it. I have been crying non stop. I had an abortion in a previous relationship nearly eight years ago. Although I do feel that was the right decision under the circumstances I really scarred me for life and I can’t imagine doing it again. I can’t get over that this baby has a heartbeat already and I have this weird thing that makes me feel like it’s a girl.
I love my partner very much and part of me wants to be able to do this for him but I just don’t know if I can and if I can live with the consequences.
I am sorry this is a bit heavy but I would really appreciate some advice. I don’t know if I am being unreasonable or not. Hormones are making my emotions wild as it is! Thank you x

OP posts:
Pinkdelight3 · 01/05/2020 12:29

I think the career plan has to change if you go ahead and have the baby. Look into becoming a childminder maybe so you can earn money at the same time as staying home with your DC. The older one will be in school and when the 2yo gets to 3yo, it'll be easier numbers-wise. But you need to do something that contributes more for a family of five. Whatever the plan was before can't stay the same and lots of compromises are in order. The thing you want in this scenario is the baby and your other wants will likely have to slide.

fwiw I wouldn't have the baby, but it sounds like you will feel scarred for life again, and although this is far from everyone's experience, no one can know how things are for you. get some counselling to act as a sounding board and see what's right for you and the relationship/family. They may not be the same things. Good luck.

FizzyGreenWater · 01/05/2020 12:33

Do not have an abortion in these circumstances. Just do NOT.

It's hard enough having a termination when you think it's for the best yourself.
It's hard enough having a termination when you know you've completed your family.
It's hard enough having a termination when you have massive unchangeable reasons, not 'well it could work' ones like finances.

To have a termination you're being pressured into, when you know that although it's not ideal it would be workable, and when you plan to have another child anyway just not yet - just do not, just DO NOT.

You are absolutely asking for lifelong regret and letting the kind of recrimination into your relationship which could very easily wreck it, permanently. NEVER have a termination to please someone else. It's not livable with. You will very, very likely end up resenting him for ever and possibly splitting up. Or, living with something eating away at you which will ensure that if you do stay together, it's neither a happy home nor a happy parent that your existing children will have... and god help your mental health if you DO then go on to have a baby at a time that pleases him.

Just don't do it.

The killer punch of course is that you plan to have another child anyway. So, you could end up literally wrecking your marriage and ALL future plans just in order to not 'spoil' the existing plan by it needing to be tweaked.

You also plan to train for a career - given that, and ESPECIALLY the career itself (maternity) - it's even worse an idea. A lot of people would argue that if you're planning on another child anyway, grit your teeth and get the baby stage permanently out of the way. Yes it's hard, but just do it - then go on to train and qualify without having to stop-start. Also, getting all the baby years out of the way in one go SAVES you money, as there's a fair chance your maternity will also cover a significant chunk of toddler years that you'd otherwise end up paying for some childcare for.

Add on to that that having a termination would put a bomb in the path of you feeling able to train as a doula/midwife - good lord, do you need ANY more practical reasons why it's a terrible idea to terminate?!

It's understandable that he's panicking. But sit him down and tell him - first, having a termination isn't going to 'solve' this. You won't go back to before. You'll go forward to a new phase where something absolutely awful HAS happened within your relationship and the new big question for you possibly won't be 'how do we improve our finances' but 'are we going to divorce because I can't get past you pressurising me into an abortion'.

Secondly, in a practical sense, it's a bad decision. Firstly as per above - better a third child in not-ideal circumstances than potentially a messy awful divorce and shattered finances and home. Secondly, if a third was on the cards, a huge % of people would say, get it out of the way NOW, don't wait - it won't actually help you financially in the long run, you just slow down your progress for longer really. Thirdly, you want to train as a doula/midwife and post-abortion, it's likely you won't be able to handle it. Fourth - tell him to look up the cost of counselling long-term... because that's the kind of situation having a termination you do not want puts you into .That ain't cheap either...

Hopefully he's just panicking.

But for fuck's sake don't have an abortion in these circumstances.

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