Unplanned baby no. 3

[Eddieblue78]

I found out earlier this week that I am six weeks pregnant with our third child. I was on the contraceptive pill so obviously an unplanned pregnancy. We had never ruled out a third child but had planned on waiting a few more years until we were more settled financially. Our children are 5 and 2. My partner is self employed and I am currently a stay at home mum.
My partner is pretty adamant that I should have an abortion. He is worried we can’t afford another child right now (especially considering all the economic worried due to Covid 19). If we had the child it would mean he being financially responsible for all of us for maybe another two years which I do feel really guilty about. Things would be tight but not unmanageable but he feels our two children will miss out if we have a third. And everything he is saying to me logically makes sense but I can’t bring myself to do it. I have been crying non stop. I had an abortion in a previous relationship nearly eight years ago. Although I do feel that was the right decision under the circumstances I really scarred me for life and I can’t imagine doing it again. I can’t get over that this baby has a heartbeat already and I have this weird thing that makes me feel like it’s a girl.
I love my partner very much and part of me wants to be able to do this for him but I just don’t know if I can and if I can live with the consequences.
I am sorry this is a bit heavy but I would really appreciate some advice. I don’t know if I am being unreasonable or not. Hormones are making my emotions wild as it is! Thank you x

What has he said when you’ve explained how strongly you feel?

Only you can make this decision OP. Your body, your pregnancy, your choice.

You have had an abortion previously so you know what it entails, and how you felt afterwards.

If you go ahead with the abortion it may destroy your relationship if you feel resentment towards your partner for pressuring you in to it.

If you keep the baby there is a risk that your partner will resent you for not having an abortion and this will destroy your relationship.

Only you can balance the risks and make a decision as to whether an abortion is the right thing for you, or not.

Agree with others. This is a really difficult situation. As much as he should've been using condoms, I can understand why he's worried about having to support an additional family member in these times of significant financial uncertainty.

I obviously entirely understand your position. I think to make it work, you're going to have to compromise some of your maternity leave and supplement the household income. Two years - especially given that they're two years during COVID - is a very long time to be solely responsible for so many other people.

'EVery baby is a blessing, what planet are you from?

I had an unplanned 3 rd pregnancy. My husband was all about the money and after huge pressure from him and guilt tripping about what the other 2 would miss out on, I gave in against my better instincts and had a termination. I bitterly regret it and resent him for bullying me into it and I punish myself for not being stronger and standing up to him when he said the marriage would be over if I went ahead. It is a wound that has never healed...

I don't understand why you are planning on waiting until your kids are teens?!?

Only you can decide, it is your body.

If i was in this situation i would have an abortion, but me and my partner are very adamant on only having another if we can comfortably afford it. But that is our prioty and decision. Everyone is different

It’s your choice. Are you prepared to do the baby years all over again? Since it’s usually the mother who does most of the lions share with kids? Don’t abort just because he’s said too, needs to be something you both want.

I think you are in a very precarious financial situation at the moment. You are not married, haven't worked in a while and are planning to retrain in a career that might not give you any income at all, if we consider how bad economy will be after covid. And your partner is self employed.

You don't say what your career was in and if you qualify to study midwifery (ignoring the fact that it's a very time consuming course).

I think children are a blessing, but I also think that sometimes people can regret having them. Not because they don't love them, but because they have complicated their lives enormously. It's a taboo but there was a thread here not long ago about it.

So the decision is yours, but remember you have two children already, who deserve some stability.

You can get professional counselling together which may help with the decision and coming to terms with each others feelings. Neither of you should feel railroaded which is likely to happen

I don't think you should have a termination if you always planned to have 3 (although you say you "didn't rule out" a third and not that it was a definite plan as I suspect it will have long-lasting consequences and especially if you don't then go on to have a 3rd. However, like pps, I think you should have and now should be contributing to the household finances before now, many people seem to work shifts round partners and even £50 or £100 a week that he doesn't have to find for every last thing, would help. I have 3 children (the 2nd was twins) and I am terrified by what they cost and as we are older parents, I know we will both have to work until we drop to continue to afford 3 children. So I can understand why your partner is feeling another child might tip him over the financial edge. I have 2 friends in my immediate friendship circle who have had terminations when married and with children already, and neither have any regrets - and nor should they, their decisions were right for them at the time.

Thank you all for you advice.

I completely understand that being a stay at home mum is not for everyone and not something everyone agrees with. However this was a decision my partner and I made (in fact it was actually his preference) when we found out we were pregnant with our second. I feel extremely lucky to have been able to spend so much time with my children. I sold my business when I found I was pregnant with my son so we could pay a large deposit on our house and I didn’t take maternity leave with my eldest.
My career change to midwifery was again something my partner and I agreed to do when the children were older as they would be more self sufficient under the shift patterns my partner and I would be working.
Whilst this does not change the situation I am currently in and the pressure my partner would be under. Obviously I would jump right back into working in whatever role I could to help support my family as I have already stated. I don’t expect everyone to agree with these decisions or choices but I hope it provides some clarification that I am not just lazy or reluctant to work.

Whenpushcometoshove, I am so sorry you have been through this and I hope you are ok.

I think the economy during and after Covid 19 is the biggest complication for my partner. Otherwise I think it would be easier to see a way to muddle through.

Has anyone had counselling after a termination and did it help please?

Has anyone had counselling after a termination and did it help please?

No, but at the 6/7 week stage the process involves taking an oral tablet followed up by a vaginal pessary.

Does your partner know how strongly you feel?

It's unusual to be thinking about needing counselling before you've even had the termination.

If you already think you are going to need counselling, an abortion seems like a bad idea.

It's your body and your choice. I couldn't respect a partner for making me have an abortion. A third baby can be provided for cheaply if you have all the gear already from your other children. Yes, it would put more financial strain on your partner, but this would be short term, and you would need to definitely cut short maternity leave and seek paid employment in order to help out with finances so that resentment wouldn't build.

1. you were planning on 3 children anyway and
2. you don’t want the abortion

In no way should you be having an abortion!

every baby is a blessing

You have no idea how ridiculous and insensitive this is.

Are women who cannot conceive not worthy of being 'blessed'?
What about an unwanted pregnancy? How, in the name of fuck, is THAT a blessing?

Every baby is simply the result of a sperm meeting an egg.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this position and hope you come to an outcome you are happy with.

You sound in a good position already, having the room. It will be a strain on finances whatever age you decide to have a third.

In terms of your midwifery training, I would definitely advise doing it sooner rather than later. I qualified last year. My dcs are 13 and 10 and can honestly say I feel they need me to be around more and more as they get older than they ever did when toddlers. Plus, midwifery is massively oversubscribed, if you don't already have the entry requirements and voluntary experience you need to start working towards that also. Good luck

If you want this baby, keep the baby.

Your body, your baby, your choice. If you're considering counseling following a termination it really sounds like you don't want to have one and in no way should you be pushed into this.

The baby is 'here' through no fault of your own or your partners, so it's a new situation to be in re. Deciding whether to have three or not than you were in before you were pregnant.

Hugs OP, I'm sorry you're in this situation.

So you sold your business to fund a house purchase for you both.

He prefers you to stay at home and not work.

You're not married.

I'm sorry OP but this sounds like a really precarious position you've potentially put yourself in.

It is of course ultimately your choice, but I would weigh up the pros and cons of having another child to look after very very carefully.

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable and you both have valid viewpoints. This is one of those unfortunate situations where someone is going to end up unhappy whichever way you decide to go. The important thing in the next few days and weeks will be to communicate properly with each other and try to avoid more of a rift appearing.

There’s no way I would even be considering an abortion. But I would be making sure I was able to support myself And my DCs ASAP..

You want to keep the baby; it's not up to him. Babies are a blessing imo. Money sorts itself out in the end. We were as poor as church mice with our children. I had no right to return to work after having my first baby (long time ago, v different maternity rules) - I ended up working evenings (relatively unskilled job), going out when my husband came home from work. Hard work, but worth it for my children.

*every baby is a blessing

You have no idea how ridiculous and insensitive this is.

Are women who cannot conceive not worthy of being 'blessed'?*

Eh?? Completely illogical train of thought; that wasn't even vaguely implied. I'm sure women who are TTC do feel blessed when they get pregnant, nobody said they're not worthy of it.

If you want the baby it's your choice !I'd like a fourth my husband doesn't so we are not however if I got pregnant we would.go ahead .. An abortion is a big.thing.... I had one as a teenager it was truly awful and I was very sad for a long.time after , don't get bullied into an abortion it's your body your choice and babies dont.have to be expensive breastfeeding is free , baby clothes and equipment can be sourced second hand , I'm fact I always buy.little baby clothes pre.loved and I can afford new as they are rarely worn out and you can get beautiful things for penny's + it's much better from an environmental point of view x I also brought my pram second hand it was in perfect condition & I had it professionally cleaned it cost a quarter of the price new x

If you are feeling this strongly then it won’t be necessarily helped with counselling. How would both of you feel if you had a termination and then couldn’t get pregnant again at the “right” time? Could he live with that?

Also if you were planning a 3rd anyway surely that would mean another earnings break later down the line; you could take the hit now (you already have all the baby gear so won’t be a huge additional outlay) and benefit from knowing you won’t have further interruptions later.

Whatever you decide, wishing you strength and the best of luck .

I don’t think either of you are unreasonable on your views re abortion. Ultimately, it is your body and you get to make the final decision so if you have definitely decided against it then that is entirely up to you.

But your partner does have a right to an opinion- and it is sensible for you both to understand the reasons behind your positions. I think his concerns are valid, as are your reasons gor

Though if you seriously want to add this additional financial responsibility then I think you need to consider going back to work as soon as is practically possible (and well before your children are teenagers).

I think there are risks to your relationship whichever way you go unless you can both come to an agreement. You may well resent him if you feel pushed into an abortion. He may well resent you if you have a child he does not want/feel he can cope with, especially if this causes financial strains and/or causes him to be under significant pressure as the sole provider for the family as you are not working.