I am living with a mix of anger and despair, if I am not angry the depression will take over completely. Watching someone frantically trying to save the business, and our home.
'No point in being angry? Anger won't help?'
We have no choice but to just suck it all up because there is sod all else we can do. That angers me, I can't do anything to help me or anyone else.
'We will take years to recover from this.'
I won't be alive to see this happen. I am never going to have what I worked for my entire life, what kept me going because there was a light at the end of a long and bleak tunnel, so yes I am angry at having my future taken away but still being here to go through the shit which is going to be even worse than before.
I am sad for all the losses of life, and those that are grieving, and angry that it has happened.
I am angry that we (as a household) were just a few years away from actually being able to have a life and that it has just gone pretty much overnight.
I am in despair, I have been through some real crap and got through it but no longer have the means or energy/health to do it again and I am angry that I can't find a way. I have always found a way, I am angry that I can't do anything.
I can't just suddenly change the way I feel. I am angry, I am sad, I am full of despair and depression and I am bloody terrified and that makes me more angry, at myself for not being better prepared, for mistakes, for being in the situation I am in, for not being healthy and fit, for not being able to live the rest of my life in peace.
If I had financial security maybe I wouldn't feel the 'pointless' anger. Money makes things feel a lot easier to deal with. No mortgage, no anger. I would like that.