To think that ignoring someone and sulking is abusive?

[Pingolo]

DH has been sulking and ignoring me for days because I asked him for something and he didn't like it. It feels like he's trying to punish me because I finally plucked up the courage to talk about what I need. But is it abusive?

I can't imagine my husband ignoring me fo a few hours but a few days?!?! That's absolutely unacceptable - even more so as your original request was totally reasonable.

I'm sorry you're going through this, sounds like the relationship is in a very bad place due to his behaviour. Don't doubt yourself and don't accept less than you deserve

Passive agression is just as agressive as other types of agression in my opinion (clue is in the name). People who do it just like to think that they're better people because their agression is passive. It's not. It's still agresision, it's still abuse.

So he tried to just talk as if nothing bad happened today and I told him we needed to discuss what had happened. I told him I felt like he just stonewalls me until it goes on for so long that I give in. At which point he shouted do you think I enjoy this? I said I don't really know why you do this. And he told me to fuck off and that was a passive aggressive thing to say. And now he's back to stonewalling. I just don't know where to go from here.

Of course he enjoys it.
He likes seeing your suffer.
He likes to punish you.
He loves it when you give in and try to get him to talk.
What you said was not PA at all.
It was very direct and you don't know why he does it.
Nothing wrong with that statement.
He is abusive OP.
From here, you go somewhere else if you can.
If you can't then google 'grey rock' and practice that!

@Pingolo

I think you do know where to go from here.

Stay and put up with it or make plans to leave. Because he’s not going to change - you saw today what happens when you challenge him. He didn’t say

“Gosh you are right, my behaviour is unacceptable, I don’t know why I behave like this, I’ll get therapy and work on myself “.

He told you to fuck off.

He started recording you? That's just weird

OP

@NotMyNigel
Exactly.

You poor woman.

He's a nasty, nasty piece of work.
You know well.

Channel your energy into
Looking into your options.
Your financials.
Seeking support.
Family.
Friends.
Advice.

You are lovely OP.

Married to a nasty man.

Make plans.
Keep posting.
We are here for you.

Leave him, take your children and go and stay with family or friends if possible. He sounds abusive and it is engrained behaviour. You are absolutely justified to feel how you do.

We don't have any family and we would be too much of a risk for close friends. I'm a key worker and have been exposed to heavens only knows and the kids have been in school. I have to find a way to make it work here. I literally have no where to go.

I understand you can’t leave now. But do you want to leave when you can ? If so, you can start making plans now.

Or do you mean that you want to stay with him long term ?

Ok OP, what about HR in work?

You are frontline and you are in an abusive relationship and your options are compromised by work. Can you ask them to help you?

I have no idea what I want. It's a huge step to divorce. But I can't keep ignoring this behaviour. I've really struggled with depression and I feel crushed most of the time. I'm afraid to be a single mum. I'm afraid he will get 50:50 and then I won't be here to protect them. Isn't that throwing them to the wolves?

@billy1966 We work in the same place. He's more senior than me. Everyone thinks he's so charming and wonderful. I'm afraid I won't be believed and he hasn't physically harmed me. He has pushed me around in the past but nothing that would ever leave a mark. Plus I don't know what HR could offer me really? They aren't a charity.

I find confrontation hard and will usually just back down so I will when I don’t want to back down but can’t articulate how I feel. Genuinely not intended to be abusive. Sometimes people are too cross to talk - especially if you are not a shouter. Shouters don’t seem to understand that though.

OP,

Just because someone is pleasant in work does not mean its hard to believe that they are different at home.

People understand very well what goes on behind closed doors is often vastly different.

I think you should approach HR.
They are used to staff and their problems.
I think you should also contact Woman's Aid.

You need to see what your options are.

Of course this is scary for you.

The thing is, which scares you more?

Leaving of staying.?

He's a nasty abusive man.

He has put his hands on you OP.

That is Domestic Violence.

Just because he didn't leave marks, doesn't mean it isn't domestic violence.

Please be very clear on that point.

Just throwing in a different dynamic here op.... It seems from your last message that you've probably almost certainly googled abuse. The way you added in there that he's charming at work. We all know that's listed as classic abusers behaviour. I don't mean this horribly towards you but have you become fixated with the idea that he's abusive and are saying this to him everytime you disagree? This might be why he's stumped as to how to 'argue' with you. I'm not saying he isnt abusive - maybe he is. But perhaps you're overlooking all else and have become fixated with the label. Mumsnetters will often be all too quick to call men abusive and tell you to LTB and call women's aid. But just before you do... What was your relationship like when you first met? How were things when you planned your DD together? What is your DH like in other areas? Are you ever kind to each other? Do nice things together? It sounds to me like you've had a total breakdown of your communication and you've both got unmet needs in your marriage and you're at stalemate. Can't you try sitting him down and asking kindly and calm how he feels about your marriage? Say that you feel that things are dreadfully wrong between you and that you'd like to talk together as you fear your marriage is heading in the wrong direction? See what he says? If he blames it all on you and refuses to engage you probably have your answer.

If he won't even give you 15 minutes a day, do you think he would want 50:50?

I don't know how you can keep living like this. You may be stuck right now but I think you need a long term plan.

OP I have to agree that it is unlikely that your DH is going to want the dc 50/50 if he cannot bath them by himself.
He may well tell you this if you discuss splitting up but that is very different to following through.
There is no rush OP, take your time, read up on abuse. Maybe sign up for the freedom program. Think about what you want from your life.

They always say they want the kids. I've never known a dickhead to not pull that stunt. They rarely do in reality.

My husband used to do this to me . He would give me the silent treatment for days but wouldn't tell me what I'd done to deserve it . I would carry on speaking to him to try to get round him. " would you like a cup of tea"? Etc etc . After 15 years married I got fed up and played him at his own game . Got up for work . Silence. Made myself a cup of tea and not one for him . More silence . At that time I didn't drive so he used to drop me off. More silence. By the time we got to my workplace he couldn't bear it and started chatting as if nothing had happened . He NEVER did the silent treatment to me ever again . Result