To think that ignoring someone and sulking is abusive?

[Pingolo]

DH has been sulking and ignoring me for days because I asked him for something and he didn't like it. It feels like he's trying to punish me because I finally plucked up the courage to talk about what I need. But is it abusive?

Who is the everyone he is recording this for?
This is very odd behavior.
Who does he imagine is going to be interested in your disagreements?

Who knows. We were not there. We didn't here your tone of voice used. It could have very patronising without you realising.

Maybe he is quiet because he is still angry and the alternative would be him shouting and saying words he doesn't want to say.

Noone can tell you without the full circumstances.

OP have a look at this thread. It goes on for 6 threads and she has now left him. Your DH might not be as bad as hers but it might help you clarify that he is being abusive and that YOU ARE NOT THE CRAZY ONE. Your DH sounds like a gaslighter extraordinaire.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

You poor woman.

He sounds like a nasty piece of work.

15 minutes a day, is all you are asking for.

Jesus, your life sounds awful from your posts.

Please reach out to your family and friends.

Tell them the hell you are in.

The only thing that helps people in your situation, is shining a light on the behaviour openly.

Not allowing them to gaslight you.

He is highly manipulative.

Sounds utterly miserable for your children and you.

Is this the future you want for them and for you.

His silence is to control you.

Horrible man.

Sorry , what a prick.
If you do as he says , he'll stop it, then you'll be walking on eggshells forever. Don't let your children live like that.

@dontdisturbmenow

Noone can tell you without the full circumstances

Yes actually people can and have

What an unhelpful post.

God he sounds like my exh. For some reason, the thing he absolutely cannot stand is the idea of being relied on or counted on. So I would never be able to rely on him to do something as a given when we were together either.

Unfortunately he’s the same with his contact times - hates the idea of me being able to rely on them!

@My2centsare - I think the problem is that "abusive" immediately brings to mind the worst-case scenario, when the truth is that abuse takes many forms, and isn't necessarily a reason to leave, I agree. The word has become too charged, when actually, when it is broken down, it is simply "ab-use" [ab="away" and "use"]. And in this instance, that is absolutely correct: it is the opposite of useful. His behaviour is ab-usive. The best action in these circumstances, then, is to remove yourself from them. I didn't say LTB, but to leave, or to find a way not to experience this again. (Often, though, this means leaving, because these behaviours are deeply ingrained and are hardened against change.)

anything that is used to manipulate someone is abusive

This x 1000

www.verywellmind.com/married-couples-silent-treatment-2303421

The very fact that he's recording you means he cannot see what he's doing, so you're on a hiding to nothing if you try to explain his behaviour to him.

Yes it’s abusive as he’s refusing to engage, waiting for you to shout at him, which is understandable after 3 dats of being ignored, then he presents you as being unreasonable for shouting.
Classic gaslighting, as he purposefully worked towards this outcome.

I go quiet if something upsets me. Some might think it is sulking but it isn’t, it is just how I process something. It doesn’t always have to be something sinister, different people react differently. Some will scream and shout if they are upset or argue, I just need to work things through in my head to get over it.

Do you go quiet for 3 days though,?

There’s a big difference between going quiet and purposefully ignoring them for 3 days MagentaRocks

I go quiet if something upsets me

I can go a bit quiet when upset too, but I don’t ignore anyone, I just don’t engage that much. I certainly wouldn’t ever ignore anyone for days on end.

@SharonasCorona
Exactly👏

Pisses me off to read people writing we don't know the details...we bloody do!!!

The OP has posted the details.

Lots of people quieten down when they are upset.

Ignoring your wife for 3 days because she has asked for the 15 minutes that ye have already agreed upon.

Shame on anyone who doesn't get it.

Hope you are ok OP

Yes it is abusive.

Dh is a terrible sulker. Yes I think it's abusive.

Exh also used to wait until I finally snapped and start sneering “oooh look at yourself!”. Very similar to the filming. “Crazy making behaviour” is classic abuse.

What kind of lazy useless arsehole of a grown man cant bathe a toddler.
Hes fucking pathetic and yes hes abusing you and manipulating you into never asking him to do anything for his own kids.
Your life would be easier without out him.
At least you would get a weekend off if you divorced him.

One of the DC has an autism diagnosis and I guess I wonder about DH too. There's so much he just doesn't get if that makes sense . He can be so rigid and unable to see anyone else's point of view. It doesn't really change anything because autistic or not his behaviour really affects me.

I think that must be an appalling way to live. How will this affect your dc growing up? A friend of my parents did this to his wife, all of his dc have huge issues, one is unable to socialise and basically never goes out, 2 are on a lot of medication. I think the guy is an absolute disgrace to have controlled his wife’s behaviour (and believe me, she is a completely reasonable, nice, normal person) and to have caused his dc to have such problems as adults.

Your choice is to never get any of your needs met. Or end the relationship. That's all.

As an aside, did he do bath-time for the three days without complaint?

I think it's a bit ott to call it abusive, but it is manipulative.