Child maintenance during lockdown

[Idratherbeasleep]

So I got a text from the cms today saying payments are going down to £6.87 a week of something down from £50, DC's dad is self employed I think, has been fiddling his earnings for years. I've been furloughed so am 20% down already, luckily we can still get by, it will be tight though. I get people aren't working to earn money but I feel a bit annoyed that it seems to be the resident parents who are left in the shit in a sense. And yes before you jump on me I get he has Bills to pay too and isn't earning anything, but. I am paying more having DC at home constantly in food, bills etc. Still need clothes and shoes. He's had years of working FT all the hours he can (literally) only declaring a small amount now has a mortgage while I've only been able to work minimum wage/flexible jobs because I cant afford childcare. Like I said luckily we will get by but aibu to think they need to come up with a plan for this? I mean I know people who do rely on maintenance to feed/clothe their kids and if the nrp is able to just call up cms and say I'm not working I cant pay with no questions surely lots of kids are really going to suffer?

[MarieQueenofScots]

Until the decent men find it as abhorrent as drink driving that their mates shun paying for their kids, and say so, nothing will change

Absolutely. I was discussing this with a self-confessed “decent man” on here. Saying one of his mates didn’t pay a penny, but it’s not really his business and it was his choice. How can you be friends with someone who actively chooses not to provide for their children?!

[lyralalala]

Maybe because we met at university but didn’t decide to have children until 35 so I felt like I really knew him.

You're still doing it though. You're assuming that your situation has turned out the way it did because of you and your smart choices.

I'd known my ex since I was 7. When we moved from Scotland to England we lived next door. I knew his entire family. I knew his likes and dislikes. I knew his fears and hopes. I knew him inside out.

He changed. Men sometimes change (I'm sure women do too, but it's mostly men who don't pay) and women have no way of seeing it coming.

Absolutely. I was discussing this with a self-confessed “decent man” on here. Saying one of his mates didn’t pay a penny, but it’s not really his business and it was his choice. How can you be friends with someone who actively chooses not to provide for their children?!

Completely.

People, men especially, are very much all for keeping their noses out of other people's business. Financial neglect, abandoning their kids, even domestic violence to an extent.

I've actually never been prouder of my DH than when a couple of years ago he ended a friendship because his ex-friend turned into a complete twat toward his kids.

[Whatsgoingonrightnow]

So irritating when women somehow manage to blame other women for men’s actions. In this case @Neednewwellies thinks it’s the woman’s fault for ‘choosing’ to procreate with an arsehole rather than the man’s fault for being an arsehole.

I’d guess most men aren’t arseholes to begin with, they transform into dicks after the split.

[Aeris1]

@neednewwellies. I was with my child's father for a couple of years before we decided to have a baby. I am in my 40's so I knew what I was doing and I believed he wanted it too. He still turned into a dick and walked out after a couple of months because he didn't want to be a father anymore and had met someone new at work while I was pregnant. He has not seen him in years. He chose to make my son so he should pay for him. It is not about age or how long we have known people, it is about men taking responsibility for the children they create or making sure they don't have children in the first place

[formerbabe]

Maybe because we met at university but didn’t decide to have children until 35 so I felt like I really knew him

There's women who have been married for decades then get totally screwed over in their divorce by men who they felt they really knew

[Thatbitchcarolebaskin]

It should be a disciplinary offence in the workplace to end up with the CMS putting a DOE on your salary and employers should be prevented from hiring staff with a child maintenance DOE attached to them to prevent the job hoppers

[Neednewwellies]

No, I’m not suggesting my situation is the way it is because I was smart. More that I knew he’d never not pay for his children. It’s not about length of time although I felt that living together for 17yrs before having children did help me feel sure by that time that he’d never behave badly towards his children.

Nowhere am I blaming the RP here. These men are absolutely the ones to blame. I’m just stunned that there seems to be so many of them.

[thequeenbeyondthewall]

Everytime you have sex with someone of the opposite sex there's a risk of pregnancy if you both sides are fertile.

Both sides are equally responsible for that. Just saying.

So all these men that just get off and dont provide should be ashamed of themselves.

What women would actually want to be with a man that thinks this is ok?

Harsher penalties need to be enforced.

[Neednewwellies]

^^
Yes, I agree! Our eldest is 14 and super bright. If he gets a girl pregnant at 16,17 etc then I will not be providing for him to swan off to university and leave that girl to cope either financially or physically. I will insist he is there to support her. I will insist he does a degree close to home whilst seeing his child and working p/t to give what he can. I would feel utter shame not at him getting the girl pregnant but at him thinking he can disappear and still enjoy his time at uni whilst she’s stuck here with a baby. In continuing to pay for his children and support me, DH is modelling the only acceptable behaviour to both his sons and how they must behave and his daughter and what she should expect in a partner.

[lyralalala]

More that I knew he’d never not pay for his children. It’s not about length of time although I felt that living together for 17yrs before having children did help me feel sure by that time that he’d never behave badly towards his children.

Yeah I knew that too... Until I didn't.

[thequeenbeyondthewall]

You never really know someone do you.

Harsher penalties are needed to protect the children and RP's.

[Howaboutanewname]

More that I knew he’d never not pay for his children

Are you really this stupid? Do you think that men start relationships, get engaged, get married, all the while telling their partner that they can fuck off if they think they’re ever going to support any children if they split up? It doesn’t work like that. My ex was of the ‘there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for my family, I’ll dig ditches if I have to’ variety. Absolutely nothing he said when we were together suggested he would refuse to support the children after divorce. Nothing at all. I am an intelligent person, been around the block, lived abroad, had several long term relationships, was with my ex for 6 years before we had children. I didn’t misread the situation or not know him or anything else.

He changed. He met someone else and he changed. He can’t stand that I had enough self esteem to, in his words, not bother fighting for him and got on with my life. He is deeply bitter that I didn’t need him to live a good life, that I was able to rally and rebuild and be OK. And so the only thing he has is to control the financial aspect of bringing up children but all I do is work harder and I get by. He deprives himself by playing games with his self employment. There are many, many men who do this and by denying it’s a problem, you are playing into their hands. They need to take responsibility for their behaviour. Not the women who are bringing up their children.

[Neednewwellies]

@Howaboutanewname I’m not being stupid and I’m not in any way suggesting the women are to blame. And I’m certainly not denying it’s a problem. Clearly these threads show it to be a huge problem. I’m just genuinely surprised that it seems the majority of men are able to walk away from those children they paved the halls with at 3am, wiped the bums and the faces of, read to and cuddled. I just genuinely can’t believe the duplicity. And as the mother of two boys it worries me how we are bringing up men to be.
I am in no way saying women are deliberately getting pregnant by feckless men just that I feel the many years I spent putting DH off helped me to be as sure as I could. I’ve already acknowledged that luck was involved but I also think living with him for 17yrs before we had a baby definitely helped me be as sure as I could. But then we still ended up separating albeit at my request. So no smugness there.

[Whatsgoingonrightnow]

I thought my ex would never not pay or be there for his children if we ever split too. We even had conversations where he denounced men like that and said he’d never be one.

Guess what? He is now one of those men. He usually does pay the bare minimum but always begrudgingly and he has made excuses before to try getting out of it. I haven’t been paid for five weeks now, lockdown has provided a handy excuse. He also rarely sees the children, never has them over night and has very little interest in them tbh. It’s sad and it took me a long time to stop being bitter and angry about it but I’ve had to for my own sake.

[Neednewwellies]

@Whatsgoingonrightnow, I’m sorry, it sounds crap. I’d be bitter too. I’m astounded that so many men seem able to just switch off from children they nurtured and devoted themselves to. I cannot ever imagine switching off the love I feel for my 3 nor can I imagine their dad doing that. It’s incomprehensible to me that these men can just switch off parental devotion. Bastards

[lyralalala]

You really can’t see it at all @neednewwellies

You are not the only one who put in a lot of years before having children

Everyone else who “put in the years” also felt they could be as sure as they could

[thequeenbeyondthewall]

Why are there not laws to protect children from this.

If it can be proved by DNA that it's your child why are there no laws to provide for that child.

I mean every time You have sex there is a risk it may End in pregnancy.

Ffs.

This is why there are so many single mums. They realise they are pregnant and do the best they are capable of when the partner/husband/friend/fuckbuddy/whatever bails. Happened to me as a wife.

And instead of applauding these women for doing the job of two people, society looks down on them/us.

Men just fuck off because the law lets them.

As women and mothers (and when it happens to men) we need better laws.

[Thatbitchcarolebaskin]

How is everyone getting on? Did anyone’s ex suddenly realise that they’re being toss pots and pay the maintenance that is owed?

I’ve written a letter to my ex’s commanding officer (who I think it is anyway) and am on the verge of sending it but not sure if something could come back to me? My ex is the litigatious type... thought he was Harvey Spectre in family court

[sameexperience]

I've had no payment this month. No notification from CMS that it wouldn't be coming, just no money there in the portal.

[Sunflowersok]

Not much you can do everyone’s in the same situation with money at the moment. If anything, he should offer to have DC more so help you out so he’ll be paying for food at least whilst he has DC. I think that’s reasonable

[Howaboutanewname]

No payments in over 10 years. Doubt a little global pandemic is going to change anything.

[AlovelybitofsquirrelJackie]

I spoke to CMS the other day. Ex rang them the day he was furloughed to see what he could reduce payments by. They said he was still liable for the full amount but to reduce a little if he was in significant financial difficulties. They weren't impressed he had reduced to 10%. They still aren't currently actively pursuing him which I have escalated as a complaint and raised with my MP. I can manage but I shouldn't have to and many other mainly women are affected by the CMS's current position.