To think people are being selfish and only thinking of themselves

[seekingperspectives]

I work in a primary school and have not been at work since schools shut.

I love my job and the children and I have really struggled without the sense of purpose it gave me. I have been helping out with a local voluntary aid group. This is involves, picking up prescriptions for people, food shops, keeping people company on the phone. I am so thankful for the volunteering work, as it has allowed me to connect with people and have a small sense of worth. I've got to know my neighbours better and me and my partner make an effort to say hello and smile to people we pass on our daily walk.

HOWEVER... my colleagues and friends seem to be only look inward at themselves and not making much effort to connect with me or each other. I have expressed feeling lonely and struggling with the sense of purposeless to my friends and tried to get them to open up and have a good chat or even a good session of games or quizzes to lighten the mood but am often met with rubbish excuses and they don't seem to want to talk and spend lots of time on social media sending silly memes and videos. (Re: friends - they are all in early twenties without children or much responsibility)

I know people deal with things differently but I'm left feeling quite disappointed with peoples lack of compassion and community spirit. Am I being unreasonable to want more from them?

Some people struggle and turn inwards on themselves... Maybe that's what's happening with some of your friends? They could be struggling themselves.
I have a friend who tried to organise quizzes ect... She only contacts me when she wants something so it came across that I basically need to entertain her. I'm struggling and she keeps popping up for quizzes.

With friends that's a bit harsh. But colleagues don't have to socialise with you out of work just because there is a pandemic. I would think it weird to be honest so just step back from that. With your actual friends then you need to ask yourself if they age your real friends. They could just be busy, if you didn't see each other much before this then again, it's no different but if you did and now they don't then speak to them and ask why

It's always sad when you realise the people you've spent most of your waking time with for however many years aren't actually your friends. But unfortunately colleagues are not friends.

I guess they feel their “duty” in terms of community spirit is fulfilled by actually doing the volunteering work.

For me, being with my DP and kids 24/7 for weeks on end is not leaving me with much mental space to interact with other people. I prefer to spend down time alone and not thinking about anyone else. It is selfish but it’s also mental self-preservation- I can’t be “on” literally all day every day.

I haven’t Zoom socialised with work colleagues since lockdown and we are pretty friendly! If you are not usually v friendly, I’m not surprised they aren’t that keen.

That’s odd of your friends though! Are they good friends?

Yabu. I'm doing just fine, but I'd soon start struggling if I felt obliged to join in with 'opening up', silly games or sharing shit on social media. I'd die of boredom and I imagine would quickly start to resent those trying to hold me responsible for their mental well being.

Yes, yabvu. I can't abide zoom, quizzes, interactive video group WhatsApps etc.

Everyone is struggling, it may be too much for them to conceivably have the energy to reach out to all their friends, and this could include you. Sucks but we're all out of sorts.

I think that if you need support, reach out to a friend or two and ask them directly. Organising quizzes etc is a great idea, but you have to accept that not everyone will say yes every time, and if they don't that isn't necessarily a rejection of you, they might just not feel like socialising. It is hard being isolated but I think try not to take things so personally.

You come across as a bit smug and judgemental to be honest. I'm sure you don't mean to, but maybe your friends and colleagues are put off by your way of coping.

Sorry, posted too soon, not sure what I hit! I don't get much out of them. I'm a delight in person . I always smiled and passed the time of day with neighbours, helped out if needed, I still do. But a forced let's all have fun quiz sends me running to the hills and as for a friend trying to get me "to open up", I just don't have the inclination for that now.

Yeah I think YABU I'm afraid. It's very likely this is their way of getting through it. I know everyone's rallying around to get the "British spirit" going but for some people just getting through the day is bad enough. I'm sorry you are feeling a bit lost and lonely, but try having the compassion you are trying to seek from others

Yes. Everyone has other things going on. It's great you've been able to do that, but not everyone can.

I live alone
I'm quite a quiet person
I like my own company
I like to choose my own entertainment

I don't actually want people constantly FaceTiming/phoning/messaging etc. I'm finding it very draining & I can't get anything done. People are asking some what have you been doing? Have you decorated x room, learnt a new language, virtually climbed Everest???' and I just want to shout NO I bloody haven't because I haven't had 5 minutes sodding peace'

people are making, what are you YOU 'rubbish excuses' because they're trying to spare your feelings. They're not your entertainment!!

I think that's true that they are struggling and my immediate feeling is i want to hear about it so i can offer help, advice and maybe some laughs. I always think a problem shared is a problem halved. Is this maybe not how most people feel?

You do sound a bit holier than thou about all of your wonderful volunteering.

I'm afraid I'd be exactly like your friends if people were trying to force conversation, 'opening up' and any more bloody quizzes on me (absolutely sick to death of them)

You accuse others of only thinking of themselves but your own post is very me me me. It's not fair to make your wellbeing other people's responsibility.

People are dealing with this in their own way and they might have other people (family, close friends, neighbours etc) that they've providing the kind of emotional support to that you're asking of them. Its hard that you dont have people to lean on but its not your work colleagues being selfish, it's just them coping with the extreme situation we have found ourselves in.

@seekingperspectives it's good to be available to your friends to offer support if needed, but of course you can't force them to open up or resent them if they don't. I think that there is absolutely nothing wrong with reaching out and letting others know you are struggling. Also nothing wrong with suggesting socialising. But don't mix up the two - socialising isn't a social service or something that anyone owes you. Equally, I agree with PPs that it doesn't come across well to resent people on the basis they are not volunteering or whatever.

Yes, but it doesn't matter if you think that a problem shared is a problem halved or if you want to give advice, offer laughs, share your feelings - it's not about you.

I am absolutely not asking them to entertain me, just to see how they are and vice versa. The quiz and games is an option if thats what they fancy I am not forcing it or calling people just offering up my ear for a chat and really confused as to why people seem less inclined to talk the more isolated they are. I think people constantly asking those questions of you is very insensitive

@implantsandadyson I am on here to understand that perspective better of why people want to isolate socially

If you are "offering up" a chat, do you not think they might not realise that you are feeling lonely and need a chat?

The problem with lockdown is that, just like the rest of the time, sometimes you just want to mooch around and do your own thing with no obligation to be entertaining or have fun; except that unlike outside of lockdown, you can’t pretend you’re really busy or have other plans. You can’t expect those around you to want to socialise on your terms just because you think they’ve nothing better to do.

However, if in the past month, none of the people you considered good friends have wanted to even have one or two Zoom meets or phonecalls, especially if you’ve told them you’re lonely, then that’s a bit shit and either they’re not the friends or thought they were and you’d be better off with new ones, or there’s something about your behaviour which means they don’t enjoy your company, and outsiders can’t tell you which it is.

I like my colleagues and we’ve had a couple of social Zoom meetings on weekdays at lunchtime - but colleagues aren’t actually the same as friends even if you get on and I don’t think you can expect anything from them right now beyond fulfilling their work commitments and being generally pleasant.

I always think a problem shared is a problem halved. Is this maybe not how most people feel?

I don't, sorry. The last thing I want to do is air my dirty washing and get faux sympathy and trite advice. Not saying that's what you do, just my own experience.

I don't want to face time and play games & quizzes. It feels awkward & forced. I'm just not really a people person. You might think their excuses not to join in your ideas for fun / catch up are 'rubbish' but they don't have to give you an excuse. Not wanting to is reason enough.

Online games session would be my idea of hell.

I have a small number of WhatsApp, FB or Messenger groups with friends and colleagues and we either post at random times or have the occasional impromptu group chat. Otherwise, catch up via a message system and, yes, most times it's sharing memes or jokes or our photos. It's just a no pressure way of keeping in touch and saying we're thinking of each other. Sometimes we actually ask how we're doing. 😁
For reference, we're in the 40-60 range.

I understand that some people are different and need other type of contact. It looks to me that you should be seeking people who are more like you at this time.