To think people are being selfish and only thinking of themselves

[seekingperspectives]

I work in a primary school and have not been at work since schools shut.

I love my job and the children and I have really struggled without the sense of purpose it gave me. I have been helping out with a local voluntary aid group. This is involves, picking up prescriptions for people, food shops, keeping people company on the phone. I am so thankful for the volunteering work, as it has allowed me to connect with people and have a small sense of worth. I've got to know my neighbours better and me and my partner make an effort to say hello and smile to people we pass on our daily walk.

HOWEVER... my colleagues and friends seem to be only look inward at themselves and not making much effort to connect with me or each other. I have expressed feeling lonely and struggling with the sense of purposeless to my friends and tried to get them to open up and have a good chat or even a good session of games or quizzes to lighten the mood but am often met with rubbish excuses and they don't seem to want to talk and spend lots of time on social media sending silly memes and videos. (Re: friends - they are all in early twenties without children or much responsibility)

I know people deal with things differently but I'm left feeling quite disappointed with peoples lack of compassion and community spirit. Am I being unreasonable to want more from them?

Maybe this is an introvert vs extrovert thing. I'm introverted and I am fucking loving lockdown. I quite like socialising in person, but I hate hate hate digital socialising. It's just shit.

My SIL is an extrovert and she's always trying to do quizzes and virtual birthday parties etc. I find it physically painful - zoom is such a pile of shit.

Why can't people just enjoy their own company for a bit? There must be things you've been meaning to get done but never had time for - do those things. Maybe give someone a call on the phone if you're feeling lonely? It's only been a few weeks.

I have 2 people arranging to Zoom for wine & a chat. I’d rather not.

I’m really struggling with working & the risk so when I’m at home I want to sit in my pj’s and numb my mind with lighthearted crap on tv & funny memes. I don’t want to talk to people or play quizzes thanks very much.

I haven't come on here to boast about my voluteering at all, I just want to lay out where I am at and try and understand the introverted perspective, not judging it at all. I am just a bit bored with receiving memes and tik toks and people avoiding actually having a good chat as we used to before. Seems like everyones with the consensus that they want to be left alone at the moment, and thats good to understand. I thought people might be looking to connect but ive got that very wrong

Thing is everyone at the moment has shit going on in one way or another so yes people are thinking of themselves a lot more and rightly so.

Not everyone want to talk and that’s fine
Not everyone wants to talk part in a quiz, again that’s fine

Your lonely and that’s sad but other people aren’t alive to talk etc to ease your loneliness

Also, don't assume that someone isolating is struggling. They may actually be the happiest that way.

I do understand what you're saying, I would have a few friends and in one relative who would completely agree with you but I don't. I find them draining sometimes. There is always a bit of an agenda with them - they need to feel needed. For example I've loads going on in my head at the minute, I miss my parents, I'm worried about my in laws, my husband is out working, I'm trying to think what to buy shopping wise, trying to make decisions re summer plans, worrying about 3 kids (schooling, missing their friends, missing their grandparents, not doing all the everyday teenage and preteen stuff). When I get some time on my own, which tbh I'm really missing I just can't be arsed talking about my feelings, having any more than a few quick messages, sending a funny meme - that's really all I have space for at the minute. And most people I know are exactly the same.

Perhaps they don’t view you as a friend.

Bloody hell OP, you sound hard work. Maybe your friends are dealing with this very differently and have their own issues.

I thought people might be looking to connect but ive got that very wrong

People aren’t a homogenous group though. Some are looking to connect, some aren’t. Just like when things are normal really.

If you are sending people messages saying you’re ‘struggling with a sense of purposeless’, maybe that’s putting them off and they feel it’s going to be a difficult, stressful conversation.

I am a bit of an introvert and suffer from GAD, and I honestly can't think of anything worse than being invited to "open up" over a "fun quiz".

I'm not doing prescription runs for the elderly, or brightening anyone's day but I am doing pro bono bidwriting for emergency aid for local charities. I wouldn't tell you about that either.

I read a really good article about times of crisis, written by someone who had lived in war zones. It said, basically secure your perimeter first, look first to keep safe those nearest and dearest, and keep your own mental health in check. This is a long haul. I'm glad you have found a sense of busyness and purpose that will help pull you though but that really isn't for everyone.

I don’t think it’s fair to talk about it in terms of ‘lack of compassion and community spirit’. You sound quite judgmental. I wonder if maybe without realising you’ve been a bit overbearing, both in your ‘trying to get them to open up...’ and perhaps in talking a lot about your volunteer work - perhaps making others feel like you think they should be doing the same. But not everyone is in the right frame of mind or position to do these sorts of things right now. You’re keen for them to give you some moral support - I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. But have you given them the same? Or have you actually just been causing them all more stress by insisting they all get involved in things they don’t want to do?

And Zoom - which I have to use to work for 4 - 5 hours per day - gives me a migraine

Thanks for your thoughts. I've just messaged a close friend apologising and will stop messaging others for now. Got to get used to this way of living without social contact and not expect anything from friends if they are probably feeling the way everyone on here is

I think it’s ok to be selfish sometimes. especially at times like this.

@seekingperspectives things will change in time, don't be dispirited.

I think your headline of "people are selfish...etc" will have made some poster, me included, bristle. In lots of ways there is not much to talk about, without heading into the doom and gloom or people's mental health, which I for one would not want to do. And some people just don't like organised fun. Intimacy and connection will come back. It really will.

Yabu.
Your way of coping is to reach out, their's is to reach in. Maybe they could say you're selfish because you can't empathise that they want to be left alone.

I think that's true that they are struggling and my immediate feeling is i want to hear about it so i can offer help, advice and maybe some laughs. I always think a problem shared is a problem halved. Is this maybe not how most people feel?

What I’m going to say is going to sound very blunt - feel free to flame me. But the above to me sounds the very definition of being a ‘busy body’. Be honest - are you seeking to help people to make them feel better, or are you seeking to help them to make you feel better? Or to make you feel like you’ve achieved something or to feel like you’ve got things sussed out compared to them? Or maybe just because you’re bored and lack that sense of purpose...

@arethereanyleftatall fair enough. Definitely learnt a lot about how people are generally feeling on here and I think I am not the norm so will adapt and hold off on the messaging for now

I also think you’re being unreasonable, it’s not nice to call people you’re supposed to care about selfish. I totally understand why they don’t want to do zoom or quizzes with my colleagues. Most people wouldn’t. I get you need it, but you need to accept because others don’t wish to do what you want to do, doesn’t make them selfish.

In actually fact it’s you who is selfish, because you don’t want to see what they need, slag off how they spend their time, simply because they don’t wish to do what you wish to do.

Pinkblueberry I really just worry about my friends when I am not seeing them, how they are and If they are lonely too and just want to be there for them. Ive definitely learnt from this thread that I am probably annoying them by checking in and will stop now

You can want more from them but they are under no obligation to give it to you. We are all dealing this in our own way and a pandemic is absolutely not the time to measure or test the loyalty of friends.

You sound like you want them to tell you that they’re struggling so you can help to make yourself feel better

If I see someone, i talk to them, if i dont then i really do not have the mental capacity just now to call anyone for a good old chinwag. I literally have nothing to say.

I am spending every minute of my time and energy on keeping my kids morale up, and making sure all their needs are met. It's not my responsibility to be doing that for another adult who feels like I owe them my time, and I definitely don't need advice or my problems 'halved' by someone who clearly isn't going through the same lockdown experience as me.

I understand that you need to feel validated, but it's unfair to put that responsibility onto unwilling people.

Bluntness100 I think maybe I didn't express myself properly as was conscious of taking up too much space but me doing stuff for other people does not make me not selfish. I was just saying that doing stuff for others and keeping connected is helping me through this time and that is definitely a selfish act. The relevance of it to me if that I have found connection so good for my mental wellbeing and have been confused that my group of friends seem to be rejecting connection with me and each other when it can have such an uplifting effect but i realise from hearing everyones perspectives lots of people are finding peace in shutting people off and that is vey fair and good to know as I seems I can be a better friend by standing back and not talking to friends much

I think that's true that they are struggling and my immediate feeling is i want to hear about it so i can offer help, advice and maybe some laughs.

I know you mean well but it's a teensy bit arrogant to assume don't already have friends/family to chat to, just because they haven't picked you.

No one is telling you not to check in of your friends. Maintaining the same kind of contact you usually have is fine, and so is reaching out to a friend if you are struggling. People are just saying that there is no reason to call people selfish just because they don't want to take part in a zoom quiz. Or because they don't want to tell you their woes. On the other hand, I do a zoom quiz every week and love it, so I think that if you can find some likeminded people it's a good idea.