To think people are being selfish and only thinking of themselves

[seekingperspectives]

I work in a primary school and have not been at work since schools shut.

I love my job and the children and I have really struggled without the sense of purpose it gave me. I have been helping out with a local voluntary aid group. This is involves, picking up prescriptions for people, food shops, keeping people company on the phone. I am so thankful for the volunteering work, as it has allowed me to connect with people and have a small sense of worth. I've got to know my neighbours better and me and my partner make an effort to say hello and smile to people we pass on our daily walk.

HOWEVER... my colleagues and friends seem to be only look inward at themselves and not making much effort to connect with me or each other. I have expressed feeling lonely and struggling with the sense of purposeless to my friends and tried to get them to open up and have a good chat or even a good session of games or quizzes to lighten the mood but am often met with rubbish excuses and they don't seem to want to talk and spend lots of time on social media sending silly memes and videos. (Re: friends - they are all in early twenties without children or much responsibility)

I know people deal with things differently but I'm left feeling quite disappointed with peoples lack of compassion and community spirit. Am I being unreasonable to want more from them?

@WorraLiberty fair enough. Before lockdown we would share everything that was going on and keep each other up to date, asking for advice etc on a weekly basis. I didn't expect this to change during lockdown but it does seem people would rather keep their feelings to themselves at this time and I definitely understand that better from the thread

@seekingperspectives

You seem to require a lot of outside stimulation. Nothing wrong with that. It's just how you are wired. That makes it near impossible for you to understand their behavior.

Just as I cannot understand after all your interaction with people through your volunteer efforts and your partner, you crave more. But I'm not going to label you. It is what it is.

Just accept you cannot understand or change others and then look inward to see if there is anything in your behavior or attitudes that might need changing to get the results you want.

Good luck!

For perspective there's an activity-based group I belong to that I LOVE doing weekly together when things are normal. Its brilliant in all ways for my wellbeing.
They've set up an online version and there's an expectation to attend even though the activity is ineffective online.
I hate it. I cry afterwards. It takes me 2 days to get my mood back on an even keel. It reminds me of all the things I'm missing and may not be able to go back to for a very very long time. So for some people in the group the online thing is a lifeline but for me it's the opposite. I'm fine on a daily basis having work meetings online etc. but that one thing really screws me up.
Try not to second guess people OP. You have no idea what they could be going through.

Being there to help friends is great.

Expecting them to want to talk to you about things isn’t, nor is trying to - even from a place of goodness - push everyone to deal with things like you do.

Everyone is doing what they need to get through this bizzare time

@DamnYankee Yes i am a very social creature and miss my netball, my job, the gym etc i was a very busy person before this and need to find peace in slowing down and spending more time alone which is hard when its not where I feel comfortable, i am an over thinker with too much time on my hands and anxiety about how loved ones are doing goes into overdrive but this isn't there problem as everyone has outlined.

Why do you think they even need your help and advice? I have very few problems, my main one being entitled idiots that seem to think feeding horses and trespassing are a perfectly legitimate pastime. I rant with the family, friends and neighbours that are either suffering the same or understand it. My work colleagues sending shit videos or trying to offer advice would not be the least bit helpful.

I’m an introvert, I’m used to a couple of hours a day by myself. In times of stress, I turn into myself. In times of stress, my husband becomes needier. Whilst in theory, I have lots of alone time at the minute because I’m working from home, in a different room to my husband and with no kids. However, that simply is t the case. I’m checking in more with family. My WhatsApp is blowing up with conversations from friends. My husband is needier than normal. Work is a constant blur of teams messages, video calls. And every conversation is the exact same. Regardless of whether it’s a colleague or friend or family. I have the same conversation 50 times a week.

And I’m not getting my alone time. I’m not getting a two hour commute to be by myself. I’m not getting recharge to my batteries. When you’re an introvert and you spend all day having the same conversations, even if they aren’t in person, you need to recharge your batteries. I don’t have additional capacity right now to be video chatting with friends, even though I would love to. It doesn’t make me a bad friend, it just means my brain is wired differently to yours.

TrainspottingWelsh This is my issue with the shit videos and memes im being sent! Conversations. feel like they rely on it at the moment, I'm not interested at all and want to spend less time on social media and more time chatting. They always shared problems before as i said above and often sought my advice on things so am quite involved in their lives and how they were getting on before lockdown.. so hard not to think of us as still having this regular back ad fourth as we did have before

AAA and there it is.
The needing to be needed. The giving of advice.
Not criticising OP but just pointing it out. Time for a think?

SpyApp I'm confused why this is a bad thing if it was valued and sought out? (pre lockdown that is!)

I am happy to have a chat with friends once a week. I don't have social media and have zero interest in having deep discussions with anyone about my life. I would rather boil my feet in oil than join in with games and puzzles.

I have one more recent friend who has decided she is my best friend and insists on Skyping for an hour every evening. She has a husband and I live alone so I think she thought she was doing me a favour. I began to dread it as we have nothing to say as we're in lockdown so it ended up with her asking what I had for dinner and what tv I will be watching every evening. and long silences. By a miracle I have managed to reduce it to twice a week.

Please don't assume other people need what you need, invariably they don't.

I didn't say it was a bad thing.. You were 'involved in their lives' pre lockdown and now you're shut out. You denigrate their chosen way of communication in your post but it suits them. It just doesn't suit you. Maybe find a different project to invest in for the time being.

Perhaps right now, that's all they need to do, send/ recieve the occasional video for a little smile and then get on with the rest of their day alone. I know personally, all I can just about manage is a a daily message to a few family members and one friend and the rest I've got my DD. I would kill for a few hours peace to just relax and reconnect with myself.
I don't think it's purposeful, but it's a little arrogant to assume they NEED to speak to you to feel better, or is it about making you feel better that you've helped them in some way? I reckon you're helping by just doing nothing and just waiting for them to come to you. They know you're there if they need you x

I've responded to lockdown by feeling disengaged. I can't make decent conversation. I feel like I've done nothing and have nothing to talk about even with good friends who's company I usually enjoy. I've really withdrawn. Maybe those people are similar

I think this is you need them and you feel lonely at the moment, and they are all wrapped up in their own worlds, so you feel hurt and annoyed.

Potentially you pushed it too hard, with the whole zoom and quizzing thing, and it’s made them back off. It came across as too needy.

There is nothing wrong with reaching out to people, but you need to be able to tailor that to the responses you get, not just keep going.

I echo PP: people are different and will be dealing with the situation in different ways.

I like my colleagues but would rather not hang out with them virtually in my spare time - I would prefer to dedicate that time, if I have the headspace for it, to my friends.

If I have the headspace. Not always a given. Some days I find it more restful just to read and not have to interact with anyone - including those friends I love dearly.

So it is not about right/more or wrong/less approach. It is all different and there is no one right way to deal with the situation.

@RainMustFall I am really only talking once or twice a week, i think people have blown out of proportion what i might be asking of my friends. Also we were very close before this girly weekends away alot and lots of sharing of whats going on in our lives , my expectation for this right now has not come out of the blue, i thought our friendships wouldnt change. They used to be very keen to insitigate meet ups, i think people are thinking im bugging people all the time, I am really not messaging all that often. I just hoped for a group video call once or twice a week where people are excited to be together, as we once were. But i am sensing people have very little expectations of their friendships right now and potentially want to put them on hold untill after lockdown?

Also re: colleagues i didn't want a zoom chat or anything major i just tried to check on how everyone is a couple of times and no one seemed interested. Lots of workplaces are checking in on staff and I sort of expected that would be the case with mine

Perhaps don't think of it as "putting friendships on hold", just think of it as friendships settling into a different rhythm and equilibrium for a while?

I think you just need to let everyone deal with it in their own way

I’m social. I love meeting my friends.
I fucking hate zoom

OP you sound like one of my best friends. She's trying to arrange Zoom catch ups and quizzes and god knows what every weekend, when in reality a) we see each other maybe once a month to because we both have incredibly busy lives normally and b) when we do we go to the pub and chat, we don't do 'organised fun' which I find tiresome and unnatural.

I adore her, she was a bridesmaid at my wedding, but I'm still working bloody hard and my evenings and weekend are being spent with DH, who travels with work usually so I hardly ever get to see (silver linings...)

Ditto work - constantly bloody Zoom quizzes and socials and 'virtual coffees' when normally I'm just left at my desk with the odd chat at the coffee machine. Why the sudden need to spend 30 minutes talking to me?

Please stop taking it personally, and chill out. It sounds like you have a lot to keep you occupied anyway.

Honestly I love my friends and love socialising, but fuck me, honestly op if they asked to video call me twice a week it would drive me to despair. Even once a month would be too much. It’s just so forced and artificial.

Basically we’ve done it when we had something to discuss. Not some forced planned activity. It is very different to a group outing.

I just hoped for a group video call once or twice a week

That is a lot though. Since lockdown I have spoken to

my parents on FaceTime x 3
One group of friend for a quiz
Another group of friends for a quiz
An extended family Zoom session

I haven’t spoken to anyone via zoom once a week, let alone twice a week.

I have a couple of friends who are extroverts and are arranging multiple zoom parties/pub quizzes/game nights a week.

I join maybe one a week and it leaves me exhausted and weirdly more stressed. I just find it really hard to "process" things with lots of other people's input.

I'd rather have 1-1 WhatsApp chats by text. Video calls and interactive stuff really stresses me out.

But I'm very much an introvert. I deal with things much better on my own with thinking space and quiet. I need to be alone a lot to recharge.

Don't people say introverts recharge by being alone, extroverts are recharged by the company of others?