To think people are being selfish and only thinking of themselves

[seekingperspectives]

I work in a primary school and have not been at work since schools shut.

I love my job and the children and I have really struggled without the sense of purpose it gave me. I have been helping out with a local voluntary aid group. This is involves, picking up prescriptions for people, food shops, keeping people company on the phone. I am so thankful for the volunteering work, as it has allowed me to connect with people and have a small sense of worth. I've got to know my neighbours better and me and my partner make an effort to say hello and smile to people we pass on our daily walk.

HOWEVER... my colleagues and friends seem to be only look inward at themselves and not making much effort to connect with me or each other. I have expressed feeling lonely and struggling with the sense of purposeless to my friends and tried to get them to open up and have a good chat or even a good session of games or quizzes to lighten the mood but am often met with rubbish excuses and they don't seem to want to talk and spend lots of time on social media sending silly memes and videos. (Re: friends - they are all in early twenties without children or much responsibility)

I know people deal with things differently but I'm left feeling quite disappointed with peoples lack of compassion and community spirit. Am I being unreasonable to want more from them?

Don't people say introverts recharge by being alone, extroverts are recharged by the company of others?

Yes, and that's why introverts feel so drained after a night out

Oh my GOD the virtual tea breaks on Microsoft teams with work.

I just can't.

Ruffins
That’s a very good point. Might even be the same for a lot of extroverts right now, unless mumsnet has many more introverts than extroverts. I love the interaction and having jokes and just being silly as well as hearing how people are really makes me feel revitalised and connected with myself and the world again. But this has taught me a lot about how that is just not the same for most people

I FaceTime my recently bereaved dad every day and speak to my best friends (3 of them) maybe once a week each. We’ve all got work, kids, tricky/stressful parent situations and lots going on.

I like this quote from Buffy.

You say you want to understand the introverted perspective, so I’ll try to explain it to you.

I come across as extroverted but I am introverted in that I like my own space, mentally and physically. When people try to force themselves into that space, I find it very upsetting - like I’m being intruded on in my own head. Sometimes I almost want to physically recoil! Any form of “enforced” fun really upsets me and my first reaction is to withdraw and reestablish a boundary. The more people try to push me (“No, come on, it’ll be FUN!”) the more I back away. I just don’t want people to push me into things I don’t want to do, or to invade my space, particularly when it’s someone I especially want to maintain boundaries with (work colleagues come into this category).

I get that you mean well but just as much as you cannot understand the withdrawing, an introvert cannot understand why you won’t leave them alone or respect their boundaries.

I’m fortunate to have had friends want to “check on me” and most have sent a message or an invitation to chat/FaceTime/Zoom which I can accept or decline. Those who don’t know me that well have steamed right on in there assuming I’m lonely (I’m not), that I must want company (I don’t always) or that I’m available whenever (nope). Those people I keep at arm’s length.

I get that for extroverts this current situation is not ideal (although, as introverts in a largely-extroverted world will tell you, this is how we feel a lot of the time...) and you think you’re doing a favour, but for some people, you really aren’t. They’re quite happy as they are and if you want to get in contact, it would be better to do it a little less invasively.

I don’t mean this to come across that I think you’re a bad person, because you sound like a kind and well-meaning one, but you need to remember that other people don’t feel as you do. That’s not wrong, it doesn’t need to be fixed or have them “jollied out of it”, it’s just...different.

They're not likely to come to you with relationship problems if their partner is at home and can listen.
For the rest, their partner is probably listening more than usual.
But with lockdown many social problems aren't as important as before, or don't even exist, I suppose.

The people I work with have set up a mental health check in group, I'm sure it's been helpful for people like you OP but I find it cringey and invasive. They have daily mindfulness sessions on zoom and I find it such a performance and do not get involved at all.

I work with these people, I get on with them really well, but they are not my friends, I'm not really interested in what they are doing or how they are feeling, many are struggling with lockdown but I am loving it.
So I feel awkward as I have nothing to add to the conversation of moans and groans because I am thriving with the isolation and I mindful that me being cheerful won't be helpful to them so I keep it to myself.

Don't you have anything indoor hobbies, interests, anything you want to research or learn more about, books to read? As much as you struggle with needing company many of us feel the direct opposite and feel suffocated with constant attention.

YABVU. Not everyone is like you and you don’t need to take it so personally.

I love my job, my colleagues and my friends, but I’m not interested in connecting with them when I’m at home.

daily mindfulness sessions on zoom
Bloody hell.

I think a good friend understands you, doesn’t judge you and let’s you be you. I’d hate it if a friend was judging me just because I do things different to her. We all cope with things in our own way. That’s why genuine friends are like hens teeth.

I agree with many pp, this virtual stuff is not for me.

I’m a very sociable person with a big friendship circle. I’m out all the time for dinner, drinks, pub quizzes, bowling etc but this online stuff is my worst nightmare.

Tried zoom and house party once and hated it, I felt ill throughout and couldn’t wait to leave.

It’s got nothing to do with being introverted or selfish, it feels forced, stilted and unnatural. My friends will (God willing) still be there when this is over and we’ll pick up where we left off.

I love chatting to friends and family but I have absolutely terrible anxiety about using the telephone. This includes video calls. The mere thought of having quiz nights and chats etc over zoom or Skype makes me feel sick! If I want to chat, I will use WhatsApp. I have a supportive partner and fantastic kids so I turn to them if I feel low. To be honest, I'm perfectly happy during this lockdown, so don't need any outside support. I also enjoy my own company so don't need constant stimulation from others. Working from home and homeschooling is keeping me insanely busy as well so I really am too tired for virtual socialising on top of it

I agree with everyone saying that we are all different - at all times- and we are all dealing with these strange times differently.

I also think that 'colleagues' and 'friends' are completely different. I have wonderful colleagues - best team I have ever worked with but we get on at work. We are still working, and we talk on virtual team meetings, but I don't want them phoning me up at night or at the weekend. We specifically aren't on social media with each other, as it is good to keep work and home separate IMO.

Unlike so many who post on MN - I like Facebook, as it means I can post something, and only those who want to engage, need to - unlike a direct call or request which puts people on the spot a bit.

I really do NOT want to have to have zoom calls with friends at this moment. I'm actually quite enjoying watching a bit of TV around everything else that has to be done.

I’m extrovert, but I consider people’s feelings. I don’t think it’s about being introvert versus extrovert, it’s about empathy

I’m not at all introverted, but I’m FT WFH, as is DH, both in demanding jobs, and we’re sharing homeschooling and care of our eight year old in a small rented house in the country while living out of a suitcase (were in the middle of a now-aborted house purchase) — and honestly, I don’t have much left to give ‘socially’. I have calls to make to elderly parents, grocery and prescription collections to arrange for them, and calls to make to at risk family members in the evening, and honestly, I don’t want to talk to friends. I’m fine, but I’m used up.

The problem here appears to be- you cope very differently to your friends. You clearly need social interaction and high energy, laughs etc whilst your friends cope by turning inward and hunkering down at home. Neither is wrong. They’re just different ways of coping. The problem arises when one of you (and that’s you OP) are trying to encourage people to cope in a way that’s not comforting to them and they don’t want to.
You have to respect that this is the way they are dealing with things. You deal differently and that’s ok- you need to find someone who is more on your wavelength i think- someone who needs interaction as much as you. Are any of your friends more like that? If so perhaps you can lean on each other. In the meantime you do need to give them space and respect that they are coping in a very different t way to you.

Like others have said I don't think it's about being introverted. We've been zooming/Skypeing/video messenging friends/close workmates/family etc and it's ok but it's no substitute for the real thing. It's awkward, unnatural and annoying and frankly it's doing my head in. I'll happily keep it up cos it's good to keep in touch and I like my friends/colleagues/family but I can understand why some might not want to engage that way.

The problem is is everyone is doing it and it becomes relentless and you just want a night off. Have you seen the mash report on it? How to tell your friends on Skype to Fuck Off or something. Kind of sums it up. Keep in touch but don't overwhelm. It's weird times we're in.

I don't like zoom or video calling but enjoy regular calling. Have you tried suggesting that to your friends?

Your colleagues i don't think many would want to or be bothered if you aren't actually friends.

I agree with many on here.

You are well intentioned, and kind. As an extrovert though, you haven't really understood what it is like for introverts (like me) who may not want to be jollied along and "encouraged" to open up. Others have explained it well.

Bear in mind too that people are at home at the moment. Beyond when we are working and know that interaction via Zoom or Skype is required, home is a sanctuary where many people really don't want to be intruded upon too regularly and without good reason. You may well be used to seeing your friends when you are all out and about. That is very different as you will very likely all have your sociable hats on then. At home many people are more likely to be happier if left more to their own devices.

Like you though, I'm not really totally enjoying lockdown even though unlike you I am an introvert. I miss the freedom to go off and read my book or just watch the world go by for a while in a café (on my own). I want to be able to go and see my elderly parents but they are shielding at the moment so it is not happening. I want to be able to do my weekly supermarket shop without feeling that people will want to treat me like a leper if I dare to sneeze. I'm not a social butterfly. I'm probably in fact more of a natural social distancer. I do want some of my choices back though. Lack of them is still stifling. I guess you are feeling that too, but with a different perspective.

@RainMustFall I am really only talking once or twice a week,

Yes, but the difference is when I talk to friends once a week we mostly just check up on each other that we are still well, Short and sweet. None of our conversations involve baring our souls and expecting to give or receive advice. Nor do they or I have any interest in quizzes and games.

AS I said previously, I don't have any social media (although some would say MN is SM) and have never even heard of Zoom.

Quizzes would make me want to jump in a septic tank.

OP, you might be coming across as needy, and that always scares people off. Try cultivating self-sufficiency. Reading, online courses, or whatever floats your boat. Most people have limited emotional space to offer others at the moment.

I’m an introvert and I’m not particularly interested in having a ‘circle of friends’ (shudder). I’m happy alone and quiet and I don’t want phone calls, quizzes, inane memes, chats etc. And I don’t care if that’s seen as selfish.