To feel rage

[Tuzz]

To feel rage with my partner and father of 2 DS 5 & 7. we all live together. Neither of us is working at the moment.
I wake up and my mind flicks the list of jobs I need to do. It is all usual stuff. 1st world problems. Get up, feed kids, feed dogs, tidy up kitchen - it is never done the night before, hang out washing, vacuum floors, on week days do home school ( I was a teacher so this comes easily to me) cook lunch, clear lunch, walk dogs and kids, mostly make kids tea, bath them read to them and put them to bed. Repeat.
You might be asking where is DP in all of this? He has mental health issues. He is depressed. His day starts when I bring him tea. He wakes up and uses his phone to check Twitter to try to “engage with the world” his words. After an hour he might come downstairs and then goes with a camera into the garden to take photos of spring emerging, this gives him huge pleasure. He will come back in tweet his pictures. Maybe start the doing some gardening. After lunch he usually chooses to go back into the garden and will be there until 6pm. He then goes back on his phone again to keep in touch with the world. Once the kids are asleep either he or I will cook our dinner. I never have the energy to tidy up. He never ever does.
My rage is that he seems only to do the things that give him pleasure, that ease his depression and things are never with the kids or helpful to living in a home with 4 people. I have to do everything else.
lately it seems to me every suggestion he makes I have to do because if I don’t he says I am not supporting him or helping his depression. This morning he showered and shaved. Then announced he wanted to have his hair cut. I was mid cleaning of the kitchen so I stopped and cut his hair. Then had to clean it all up while he went on twitter. I blew my top. Then he close to tears told me how unsupportive I was being. I know he is ill but I feel so alone and now really angry. Am I being unreasonable and need a slap? Or a hug and a big drink?

He has been very very clever hasn't he? Isolated you, made sure you feel responsible for him, a grown man, pushed and pushed your boundaries. Made sure he didn't do what you asked when asking for help so you wouldn't ask again.
You have just started to see the light. It's a horrible feeling but I think you will find one of relief too when you realise you are not to blame for his behaviour.
Take care through lockdown, not you have negative notice, and it you have time!, start writing things you note about his behaviour down. You will see a pattern emerging and it will help you see what others see. You and your children will get there. Sending hugs from someone who was you.

If you have time note down his behaviour that should have read.

@tuzz how're you feeling today?

He
Sounds
Like
He's
Really gaslighting you. You poor thing, it's an awful thing to deal with

He sounds emotionally abusive to me.

That sounds very difficult for you especially whilst bringing up two children, I sympathise but also feel bad for your husband. He clearly has alot of issues going on and needs help. It sounds like he is trying to escape from his depression by distraction (drinking, social media, photography) Have you considered maybe the reason he doesn’t get involved in family things is because he is aware of what a burden he has become? Have you tried asking him to come along on the family walks? You could suggest cooking a meal together? Or he could take some nice photos of the children in the garden, anything to remind him you are all a family. You also need to be honest with him about how your feeling instead of ignoring it and carrying on with your day because nothing is going to change. Of course this is all only if you want to, I think its understandable if you have had enough. I hope things improve for you both.

This morning started as ever. At about 9.30 he emerged downstairs while I was teaching kids. He sat looking at his phone for 30 mins and then asked if I was ever going to say anything to him. He said I never make any effort to make things better - I had been completely ignoring him. He said he was waiting for instructions on what to do so that I wouldn’t shout at him. So I asked him “you are really asking what needs to be done in our home? Can’t you see?” He then said he would hoover in the kitchen - right where we were all settled doing school work. I said no if you really want to help go and tidy our bedroom and clean the bathroom. He carried one lost of newspapers to the bin and then disappeared into the garden until lunch. He wouldn’t speak to me or the kids over lunch so I just froze him out. Kids were happily chatting about the Harry Potter book we are reading. He has no clue about it as he hasn’t read a single page.... ever... this afternoon we finished homeschool and kids and I went for a bike ride. I asked if he wanted to come - he said he needed to make progress in the garden as he had wasted the last 2 days in dispare as I had been so unsupportable.
I took off with the kids and when we came back he had thawed. Kids went to talk to him. He engaged with them. He had built a new wall out of discarded stones so he was feeling proud of himself. Tonight old patterns have repeated. I cooked and put kids to bed as he sat on his phone.
I have to keep the peace right now and swallow the anger I feel as his behaviour is otherwise so damaging for everyone, especially for the kids.
I started looking at schools in England today. No idea where I would go.... to a town near family, somewhere completely different. Can I even take the kids out of Scotland and away form him or do I have to stay local?

Prepare yourself to go.. say nothing.. you're not married to this man..

Glad you’re planning to leave OP

He can try and stop you changing schools and take it to court. But he has to have a very good reason for objecting. Simply ihe doesnt want you to' is not good enough.

My friend moved counties with the dc when she left her dh, she lived closer to her work and her parents, her support structure. Her ex took her to court but her move was granted and agreed to.

As your dp isn't involved with the dc much he'd find it very hard to find a decent enough excuse to object, let alone get anywhere

So good to see your thoughts moving towards your future without him. Keep making your plans, research your options. Maybe confide in a close family member if you can?

Be strong, you’ll thank yourself one day.

I don't often post on threads like this but your posts make me want to weep. I grew up with an alcoholic father. In the end my mother couldn't take it and left. She left me with him. Your dh sounds so much like him. Everything got turned around to make him the victim. It was never about anyone else only him and if you tried to tell him you didn't want to listen anymore then he would make out how no-one cared or understood him. How no-one helped him or supported him. At the age of 14 I took an overdose. Not because I was suicidal but because I just couldn't listen anymore. I told him I couldn't take anymore and he made we want to kill myself. He told me to go ahead. In utter frustration I swallowed a lot of tablets. He couldn't have given a shit. He called my mother who took me to hospital but that was it.
The frustration I read in your posts is a real echo from my past. My father nearly destroyed me. Please take your dc and yourself away from this toxic man. He will not change and you all deserve so much better.

Well done.
Please contact those who can support you.
Ask if they can help.
Move to where you will be supported.

Tell him nothing.
Make your plans and be gone.

Oh what a VICTIM.. OP, you need to leave him, what a pathetic human he is

When I had a bout of chronic depression/anxiety several years ago, I was told to create a daily structure/timesheet...I had to be as particular to include have a shower, clean a particular room, go for a walk, cook dinner, chat with a friend and so on. I was also told to schedule time for one thing I enjoy to do each day...at no point was I told in my therapy to spend my entire existence doing things that I only find enjoyable - because it's unsustainable, unrealistic and would not have prepared me to go back to my 'normal' life I.e. going back to work.

From what you've said, it sounds like he uses his depression/anxiety as a bit of an excuse to do sweet FA - I'm not underplaying that's he's unwell but where's his support to you? Does he go to any therapy? What steps is he taking to get himself well? Because by the sounds of it, he has no intention of making any changes and expects you just to shut up and put up because of his illness, but take no steps to get better?

Also, under Scottish law, I don't think it's much different from English law...he can stop you moving by applying to the courts but only you know how likely he is to do that.

He won’t take meds, won’t do threaphy via Skype but will drink two bottles a day. He won’t be a husband or father but will make endless demands on his wife and mother of his children and accusations the moment his every wim is not fulfilled

He can go live elsewhere and concentrate on making himself well enough to part of the family he has created

Years ago I had a flatmate who was depressed. I spoke to a counsellor about how to help him and she told me under no circumstances to let him duck out of his responsibilities. She was really clear that he had to do his fair share of housework, and if I did everything for him I wouldn’t be helping him at all. What your DH is doing is ridiculous.

Have you spoken to your family about what’s going on. It’s really important to de-isolate yourself

Ooooo he is a twat.

Exclusively doing things you like is not a treatment for depression. Neither is downing multiple bottles of wine. He needs to function in the world, and that includes housework and childcare.

Refusing talk therapy because you don't like video chat is unacceptable if his illness is debilitating. Refusing mediation really fucks me off.

You poor thing OP.

I feel like I express this view a lot on here- I have a lot of sympathy for those suffering from mental illness. I had PNA and it sucked. But if you are unwell and part of a family then you have a moral obligation to do everything you can to get well. Whether you fucking like it or not. He's not doing that.

Oh I missed two of your updates. He is an abusive gaslighting bastard.

Well done for waking up to it and looking out for yourself and your children. Are there any women's legal services doing video advice? Maybe give them a call while he's in the garden?

I need to get legal advice. Another row. Now he says he thinks we should separate. I have agreed I think it sensible but he says he wants to keep the kids with him. That they would be better off with him because I don’t have a job and how would I support them? That he won’t allow me to take them. What on Earth do I do? Do I have to apply to the courts to take them off the island?. There is little prospect of me getting a full time teaching post here so I couldn’t afford to stay if he wasn’t going to let us stay in his house and move out. What on Earth do I do?

The situation sounds unbearable op / for you and your dc.

I was in a similar (but also) very different situation a few years ago. From your last post it sounds as though you are detaching- this is very powerful. One moment there is confusion, sorrow, powerlessness, anger, hopelessness, and much unhappiness. And then you stop banging your head against the wall. And a wonderful thing happens. You. Detach. From. Him. And the situation changes completely. Your focus changes, your energy returns, and you know you will find a way out of it. Because you have to. Because your kids need you to. Because a whole new life is entirely possible and you can start to see it.

Detachment- it can feel shocking. But it is your amazing new best friend.

You got this.

Remember you don't need to argue with him. You don't need to have soul destroying pointless horrible arguments. Especially if youve covered this ground before. He want to vent at you, intimidate you, run you down. He will use arguments to do this.

Unless you don't argue back.

This lockdown will make things harder. But you're in charge. Not the alcoholic man child.

I haven’t got this. I can’t leave. Even the car is his. I can’t go to my parents they are too far, too old and too fragile. Where do I go? How can I work?

Hopefully someone will come along soon who can advise. You won't be the first person to be in this situation, there must be some help available somewhere.

Hello - I can see that you're in a really tough situation right now so I wanted to offer support. I would suggest that you might find it useful and empowering do some detailed research and make plans. At the moment it all feels overwhelming and insurmountable, but you need to begin gathering the information you need to get out of this situation. So - draw up a rough budget of the minimum you would need to live on financially on your own with the kids, so things like rent, bills, council tax, food, clothing and other expenses. Go online and see if you can find out what financial support you could apply for in terms of benefits while you sort your job prospects. Look into what kind of retraining you might need to do to refresh your teaching qualifications, if any. I hate to say this, but you may need to stay near enough to him that your children can maintain some kind of relationship with him - as horrifying as his behaviour to you sounds, he does have the right to see his kids, and them see him. But I don't think you'd have to stay on the island - perhaps look at decent sized towns or villages on the mainland nearby? This also means that when they are with him, say on some weekends and holidays, you get some time to yourself.

I strongly remember the day that I phoned the tax credits office when I needed to get out of a bad relationship, and the dawning moment of relief I felt when I realised that I could just about afford to leave. It wasn't easy and money was pretty tight for a few years, but oh my god, the bliss of being free. You don't truly realise how bad it was til you're out of it. I wish you all the luck in the world. You deserve better than this.