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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family WhatsApp group

78 replies

mrsnec · 26/04/2020 06:20

My DM told me that DSB had started a family WhatsApp group. At first he didn't invite me to join so I told DM this and just laughed it off. I'm close to DM but we're not a close family in general.

Then DM decided I must be in the group and asked my DSB to invite me. I said ok but it took him ages and there were excuses, couldn't find me on WhatsApp, didn't have my number, then put it in wrong and was too busy to sort it. It was all rubbish.

When he finally figures it out he then sends a message saying I should join and that everyone wants to connect with me, see my DC growing up and know what's going on in my life. He sends a copy of the message to my DM.

DM says wasn't that lovely of him and also tells me that all the people in the group who I haven't met before want to get to know me.

I joined despite not really wanting to. I have a toxic relationship with my DB which I've tried to fix many times but the more he rejects me the more painful it is and I don't believe any of the others are interested or they would have made an effort before.

They were doing a quiz and gave me 10 mins notice. We have a time difference so I apologised and said hi to everyone. Not one single person aknowledged that.

I gave it a few days. Decided to post a lot of rubbish just to see what the response was like. There was quite a lot of chat about homeschooling which was nice but it was with the people I am actually in contact with anyway.

I haven't had much of a reaction on much else and certainly nobody has engaged in an actual conversation and these people who want to get to know me haven't reacted to anything I posted.

My DB made a one word comment on something and then something pedantic correcting a fact in my homeschooling but he's not said anything about the pictures of the DC and that hurts me.

To top it all, my DM has been telling me what to post. E.g..'Show them your garden 'they'd love to see it'

And if I send her something she say 'Why don't you put that on the family chat it was getting a bit annoying.

We Skyped the other day. She starts talking about the chat and says 'Isn't it lovely to see everyone getting on so well' I agreed and changed the subject but in my eyes someone commenting yum! On a picture of my lunch does not a connection make.

Then she made a comment that I must be mindful of the time difference. My posts sometimes come at inconvenient times for some people and they have very important jobs and a few people have commented.

I checked my phone and had no responses that day and I left the group. I have anxiety and the physical symptoms have been worse this week. I have a separate issue which is making me feel very insecure and I don't need any more grief.

I then get 15 missed calls from DM and messages demanding I rejoin in block capitals.

One of the people I've never met, have had no interaction with on or off chat and wouldn't know if I fell over her then calls DM thinking she's offended me!

I explained how I feel but DM thinks I have ruined it for everyone now but surely things just go back to how they were so, AIBU and if not who is?

I

OP posts:
Henrysmycat · 26/04/2020 06:24

Does you mum knows all the backstory and how you feel? She needs to know and she needs to stop pretending everything is great between you all.

LellyMcKelly · 26/04/2020 06:24

I’d just join and then mute the group.

Dadq · 26/04/2020 06:29

I think you had unrealistic expectations of the group. WhatsApp isn't necessarily like Facebook or Instagram where people react to posts or reply to things.

Posting a lot of rubbish and then flouncing when people don't respond seems rather self-sabotaging too.

SpillTheTeaa · 26/04/2020 06:30

I wouldn't join just to please my mother.
If you don't want to be in the group then don't.
They all sound delightful Confused

FollowYourOwnNorthStar · 26/04/2020 06:32

I’d rejoin and mute the group too. Then I’d just not be invested in it. Check it once a week or post a message once a week.
My family chat group sometimes runs hit for days, and other times is dormant for a month. We all don’t really bother about how long it takes someone to respond, and I’m just as likely to text someone directly or just my siblings WhatsApp group. By this I mean - don’t over think it, or let it make you anxious. It’s another way to communicate. You don’t need to use it and only it. Just add it to the other ways of communicating you have. It’s handy when working out Christmas or family BBQs. Less so family birthdays, where the birthday person can’t see the chat!

emilybrontescorsett · 26/04/2020 06:35

I would have just stayed on the chat but ignored the comments.
Be honest with your DM and tell her to stop treating you like a child.

00100001 · 26/04/2020 06:39

Join... Then mute the group.

Sameold2020 · 26/04/2020 06:45

No, don't rejoin just to please do. You don't need that shit in your life. Just stand your ground. Give your dm permission to post pics if you like.

TheListeners · 26/04/2020 06:55

Is your brother the golden child by any chance? It sounds like it. Your mum is upset her kids don't get on and your joining the WhatsApp group proved you did, your leaving proves you don't. Making her cross and upset which she's now taking out on you. I do think you had high expectations of the group especially if you were posting pictures of your dinner! But if your brother is the golden child you mum is never going acknowledge that he treats you badly.

I'd just stay out of the group and tell your mum everyone she mentions it that you're not joining again.

TheListeners · 26/04/2020 06:56

*Sorry not everyone but every time she mentions it

AndSheSteppedOnTheBall · 26/04/2020 07:02

I can’t bear family WhatsApp. I’m not on Facebook and I only joined WhatsApp because we live abroad so it’s easier and cheaper for everyone to use to stay in touch. My family doesn’t have a group but my husband’s does and it’s utterly tedious. Best to just mute it, if there’s enough people in the group posting no-one will notice whether you do or not.

LynetteScavo · 26/04/2020 07:04

The art of WhatsApp group like these is to be in them but never post, unless it's a smiley face /congratulations about a wedding or baby announcement.

I'm not sure about rejoining the group. Usually is say don't, but to keep your DM happy and just because it will annoy your DB I think I might rejoin then ignore.

Oysterbabe · 26/04/2020 07:10

I think you're over thinking it. Be in the group, post the odd thing if you feel like it, don't worry about it. I wouldn't have much to say about a picture of someone's lunch either.

Normalmumandwife · 26/04/2020 07:11

Don't rejoin. All you are doing is allowing your DM to dictate to you and if you give in it will make her worse. Be firm and say no and ask her to stop trying to bully you into it.

Original poster
mrsnec · 26/04/2020 07:13

Yes my DM knows everything. No matter what DB does she will tell me to keep trying. Yes the sun shines out of his bum.

She aknowledges it's not a close family but wants to pretend. They have spent Xmas on their own for the past 2 years for example.

Yes I said I was happy for her to share pics of the kids if anyone was interested. She said that was 'unacceptable '

Probably did have unrealistic expectations but with what DSB said I thought perhaps someone might want an actual conversations but I now know the bit about people wanting to get to know me was bollocks!

I'm not one for posting pictures of dinner normally but it's what everyone else seemed to be doing. I thought it might spark a conversation. I live abroad and was eating local food. I'm not one for political memes either and it was that or a picture of my dinner!

I actually deleted the chat. DM asked DSB to invite me again but he didn't. He phoned her last night as did DB both wanting to know why I left. Nobody posted anything on it yesterday apparently.

OP posts:
Littlejayx · 26/04/2020 07:16

I left these chats (partners family) made me to anxious!

Laurie01 · 26/04/2020 07:18

Leave the group, you don't need the grief! Surround yourself with people you do like, sod the rest.

Figgygal · 26/04/2020 07:19

Don’t rejoin you weren’t interested to start
She’s being pushy and over involved

TwistyHair · 26/04/2020 07:27

Don’t rejoin. You don’t have to please her just so she can pretend everyone is best buddies.

Jellycatismyspiritanimal · 26/04/2020 07:27

Gosh your mum sounds pretty awful, she needs to stop bossing you about, "unacceptable"? You're not a child.

Namechangex10000 · 26/04/2020 07:35

I feel you op, I’m having similar issues but more MIL has created a family what’sapp consisting of her, fil, bil and his wife, dp....and his ex wife. Not me, with whom dp has a child. How she thinks that’s not down right nasty I will never know. Some people are arseholes

Palavah · 26/04/2020 07:36

I'm a bit confused by two things:

  1. you talk about being told people wanted to 'get to know you' - are these relatives you've never met? Do your D(s?) B and your DM know them already?

  2. what do you men's when you say you posted a load of rubbish to see the reaction?

I agree it will have looked a bit flouncy to have left just after posting a load of stuff. You sound as though you are desperately seeking validation and approval for people you may not have met?

Eddielzzard · 26/04/2020 07:38

It's all about your mum and how her family looks to the world. I wouldn't rejoin, and I'd also take a step back from her. She's adding to your anxiety by constantly telling you what to do and ignoring your feelings. You're an adult now, she doesn't get to do that anymore.

lotusbell · 26/04/2020 07:41

Just out of curiosity, who are the people in the group who you don't know and who want to get to know you, if it's a family group?
I think I'd rejoin but mute it. The only thing is, your mum will probably complain that you dont contribute!

PeanutDouglas · 26/04/2020 07:44

Don’t rejoin.

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