Family WhatsApp group

[mrsnec]

My DM told me that DSB had started a family WhatsApp group. At first he didn't invite me to join so I told DM this and just laughed it off. I'm close to DM but we're not a close family in general.

Then DM decided I must be in the group and asked my DSB to invite me. I said ok but it took him ages and there were excuses, couldn't find me on WhatsApp, didn't have my number, then put it in wrong and was too busy to sort it. It was all rubbish.

When he finally figures it out he then sends a message saying I should join and that everyone wants to connect with me, see my DC growing up and know what's going on in my life. He sends a copy of the message to my DM.

DM says wasn't that lovely of him and also tells me that all the people in the group who I haven't met before want to get to know me.

I joined despite not really wanting to. I have a toxic relationship with my DB which I've tried to fix many times but the more he rejects me the more painful it is and I don't believe any of the others are interested or they would have made an effort before.

They were doing a quiz and gave me 10 mins notice. We have a time difference so I apologised and said hi to everyone. Not one single person aknowledged that.

I gave it a few days. Decided to post a lot of rubbish just to see what the response was like. There was quite a lot of chat about homeschooling which was nice but it was with the people I am actually in contact with anyway.

I haven't had much of a reaction on much else and certainly nobody has engaged in an actual conversation and these people who want to get to know me haven't reacted to anything I posted.

My DB made a one word comment on something and then something pedantic correcting a fact in my homeschooling but he's not said anything about the pictures of the DC and that hurts me.

To top it all, my DM has been telling me what to post. E.g..'Show them your garden 'they'd love to see it'

And if I send her something she say 'Why don't you put that on the family chat it was getting a bit annoying.

We Skyped the other day. She starts talking about the chat and says 'Isn't it lovely to see everyone getting on so well' I agreed and changed the subject but in my eyes someone commenting yum! On a picture of my lunch does not a connection make.

Then she made a comment that I must be mindful of the time difference. My posts sometimes come at inconvenient times for some people and they have very important jobs and a few people have commented.

I checked my phone and had no responses that day and I left the group. I have anxiety and the physical symptoms have been worse this week. I have a separate issue which is making me feel very insecure and I don't need any more grief.

I then get 15 missed calls from DM and messages demanding I rejoin in block capitals.

One of the people I've never met, have had no interaction with on or off chat and wouldn't know if I fell over her then calls DM thinking she's offended me!

I explained how I feel but DM thinks I have ruined it for everyone now but surely things just go back to how they were so, AIBU and if not who is?

I

Just stick to the line that it doesn't work for you. I have literally nothing to say to my brother who fucked off to the States 20 years ago. Doesn't stop my elderly mum trying to make out we are close family

OP you were taking the lack of responses on your points too personally.

This is probably understandable due to the backstory/your anxiety.

Family whatsapp groups, particularly if they include groups of people who don't know each other well, can be tricky. It's not Instagram, you are not competing with your DB'S partner for likes on articles.

Especially if there are time differences, it's really easy to follow a link to an article you shared, find it interesting but if you don't respond at the time and the whatsapp chat moves on, to forget to comment later. Same with the food. Don't take it personally.

If you want to re-engage, don't be so invested. Post a bit. Mute comments.

Whatsapp groups are absolute dynamite and should be banned. especially family ones. I naively started ona coupe of years ago and there were so many fallings out it was unreal. Expectations to respond, like, tick stupid things being posted and huffs if they were ignored. Families move apart. It happens and somtimes for very good reasons. Live your life. If you mother is one of those that things family should all hug together then she is deluded

You sounds like you do want to connect with them, this is the way to do that. Gentle daily connections is a good way to stay in touch it doesn’t have to be a big deal. However your mum sounds very difficult- mentioning the time thing is a way to undermine you and must make you feel even more insecure. The fact that she and your bro seem keen to control the narrative makes me think it would be best for you to join the group but only ever to comment positively on other posts, if you post stuff about you lower your expectations as your family sound very difficult. If it gets too much leave again - or mute. Life is too short to worry about their drama.

I think my expectations were made higher because of my DM, DSB and DH to an extent.

On reflection, my mum's interference was a bigger issue than the lack of response. The reason I didn't just mute the chat was because I could forsee my DM wanting to know why I wasn't posting anything.

The time difference is only 2 hours.

DB 's partner isn't on FB. How else am I supposed to reach out to her?

My other issue is my relationship with my DH. During lockdown he has been spending a long time online to his friends who are all single. Some have multiple partners and two of them have been involved in a lot of dodgy stuff. He spends up to 5 hours a day online to them.I am feeling very insecure at the moment.

Also in the past I tried to make friend's with DSB's fiancee. I even looked after her son but afterwards she rejected my calls and blocked me from FB. I didn't confront her about it but my DM said at the time I'm just not on her radar. DM wants e everyone at the wedding though.

your confidence must be very low. These people (including your DH) don’t sound like they bring you joy.
What do you enjoy doing? What makes you happy? Do much much more of that.

Just say to DM I'm struggling with my anxiety right now, finding myself over-analysing people's responses etc. and the group chat isn't helping this and can be quite overwhelming. It's nothing personal, but I don't wish to rejoin. Thankyou for understanding.

Just saves any awkwardness, yourself being painted as the (unjustified) 'bad guy' and prevents further discussion on the matter.

I think maybe you had unrealistic expectations. If there were people you don't normally speak to there it's understandable they didn't instantly start reacting to pictures of your dinner or whatever.

Yes my confidence is on the floor. Apart from the DC I can't think of anyone who brings me joy right now and that's questionable sometimes. There's postitives though there's loads of things that make

me happy it's not all doom and gloom in my life.

DM and DSF have both just sent more messages asking to rejoin. DSF is going to hospital tomorrow for a procedure and is very nervous. He says DSB thinks I meant to mute the group to avoid late night notifications and left by mistake!

I like Lynzpynz suggestion but I still feel torn.

I am still confused. Is DSB your step brother who set up the group? You also have a DB and aren't close to him? They didn't add you to the group chat but your mum pushed your DSB to send you an invite to the the group and your DM keeps telling you what to post etc? You feel uncomfortable as people you don't really know don't respond to your posts. It sounds like one giant pain in the ass and I would have left too. Your DM is the main problem here though and you need to set some boundaries with her. As for your DH I am not surprised your upset that he spends 5 hrs online to friends although you seem to be quite passive and accepting in that relationship too... stop letting people bully you into doing things you don't want to do. And I certainly wouldn't be rejoining the group to pacify your mother

I certainly would not be telling your DM about your anxiety- she will likely mock you and dismiss it as stupid .

Yes you understand it all correctly. DSB set up the group DB is the one I don't get on with. DSB pushed me. If I'm honest I'm not that keen on him either but I'm very fond of his sisters.

They are close. We went to school together. They were in the same year. DB is going to be DSBs best man etc.

Yes I already told DM about my anxiety. Yes she dismissed it, yes I feel constantly bullied and yes I need to grow a pair!

I think your mum is trying to force a closer relationship and get your brother to include you in his family and that's got your expectations up. She and your brother have said everyone want to get to know you but I think that's probably not quite true. You could be friendly but it doesn't sound like there any close friendships waiting for you.
I do think your anxiety has got the better of you kind of but I think I'd probably have found myself in the same situation. Its hard, explain to your mum that she might he well intentioned but you keep getting hurt by her trying to force a closer relationship with your siblings and they reject you.
I would rejoin the group and say you meant to mute it but haven't been in a group before and didn't know it would throw you out. Then just be polite and friendly but dont expect too much from it. Sorry they're not as close to you as each other, it sucks buts not really a reflection on you, just that you dont have as much in common which is perfectly normal.

Probably true and she does have form for this. My parents paid for my wedding.

My relationship with DSB and DB was tricky even then. I didn't want them there. She told me she'd withdraw the funds if I didn't agree. We couldn't afford it and couldn't cancel arrangements. It was a destination wedding and neither spoke to DH and I for the whole week.

I wonder if DSB has the same concerns?

Back to the group issue, I had planned to give it until after DSF's op but when she made the comments about times it pushed me but I accept it was a knee jerk reaction. If I rejoin and mute I still feel I might get a compulsion to check it all the time.

mrsnec that sounds tough all round. Are you able to mute your mothers messages so you can at least manage that?

Do you have any rl support?

Rejoining is the one thing you have control over. It sounds like it will just add to your anxiety. Ofcourse it would appease your mum however I have no doubt she will just keep issuing you with instructions as to what to post which you dont need.

Can't really mute DM today with DSF going into hospital tomorrow.

The person I usually confide in has just had a bereavement. Can't really talk to DSS as I can't slagging off their DB to them. Only thing I can do is stop DH going to the virtual pub today.

That sounds very lonely. Are you able to have a conversation with your DH and perhaps agree to do something together today?

What...? I mean what!? This is all nonsense.

Lockdown restrictions are very bad here. That's a contributing factor too I'm sure difficult for us all to go out together but we have loads to do around here and I think I might suggest putting the DC to bed early later with a movie then share a bottle of wine with DH in the hot tub

@Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal do you really think I'd make this all up?

I'm in my husband's family WhatsApp group. There's about 16 including siblings and in laws and a couple of nephews and my daughters. I rarely comment on anything, and if I do it's often tumbleweed. Nobody really cares, it's only useful really for saying Happy Birthday or checking who's visited granny recently so she doesn't get lonely + other family related plans. It's not really for conversations. There is occasionally a pic of someone's dinner and a couple of people might say yum. It's not really a place where you can 'get to know' somebody.
I think you're overthinking WhatsApp. I'd probably rejoin and get a thicker skin (I know, easier said than done). Nothing wrong with not rejoining though, if you really don't want to.

Actually, flouncing is quite dramatic:) I might pretend than was an accident.

I don’t really have any comment on the OP’s family dynamics but I do think it’s important that people are able to control the social media and groups that they are on. Being able to say that you can’t cope with the volume of messages or that you don’t think that a particular group works for you has to be okay. Otherwise things like WhatsApp and Facebook become another chore.

We have a family WhatsApp group but only my dad, sibs and my son are on it. People who married in to the family and my sibs' under 18 kids don't bother. My son rarely posts. If my husband's family had one I'd leave it to him his sister and parents and any of their adult kids they want to invite ( lots of second marriages and stepkids). If you make them too big they become pointless especially if you don't know some of the people in your supposed family.

Our group is very light hearted. We also have a sibs WhatsApp group that we use occasionally to discuss our dad