Family WhatsApp group

[mrsnec]

My DM told me that DSB had started a family WhatsApp group. At first he didn't invite me to join so I told DM this and just laughed it off. I'm close to DM but we're not a close family in general.

Then DM decided I must be in the group and asked my DSB to invite me. I said ok but it took him ages and there were excuses, couldn't find me on WhatsApp, didn't have my number, then put it in wrong and was too busy to sort it. It was all rubbish.

When he finally figures it out he then sends a message saying I should join and that everyone wants to connect with me, see my DC growing up and know what's going on in my life. He sends a copy of the message to my DM.

DM says wasn't that lovely of him and also tells me that all the people in the group who I haven't met before want to get to know me.

I joined despite not really wanting to. I have a toxic relationship with my DB which I've tried to fix many times but the more he rejects me the more painful it is and I don't believe any of the others are interested or they would have made an effort before.

They were doing a quiz and gave me 10 mins notice. We have a time difference so I apologised and said hi to everyone. Not one single person aknowledged that.

I gave it a few days. Decided to post a lot of rubbish just to see what the response was like. There was quite a lot of chat about homeschooling which was nice but it was with the people I am actually in contact with anyway.

I haven't had much of a reaction on much else and certainly nobody has engaged in an actual conversation and these people who want to get to know me haven't reacted to anything I posted.

My DB made a one word comment on something and then something pedantic correcting a fact in my homeschooling but he's not said anything about the pictures of the DC and that hurts me.

To top it all, my DM has been telling me what to post. E.g..'Show them your garden 'they'd love to see it'

And if I send her something she say 'Why don't you put that on the family chat it was getting a bit annoying.

We Skyped the other day. She starts talking about the chat and says 'Isn't it lovely to see everyone getting on so well' I agreed and changed the subject but in my eyes someone commenting yum! On a picture of my lunch does not a connection make.

Then she made a comment that I must be mindful of the time difference. My posts sometimes come at inconvenient times for some people and they have very important jobs and a few people have commented.

I checked my phone and had no responses that day and I left the group. I have anxiety and the physical symptoms have been worse this week. I have a separate issue which is making me feel very insecure and I don't need any more grief.

I then get 15 missed calls from DM and messages demanding I rejoin in block capitals.

One of the people I've never met, have had no interaction with on or off chat and wouldn't know if I fell over her then calls DM thinking she's offended me!

I explained how I feel but DM thinks I have ruined it for everyone now but surely things just go back to how they were so, AIBU and if not who is?

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The message from your DSB sounded like it was all about him rather than you. He didn't need to send it to your DM as well but he did because it made him look good.
I am sorry to say but you were quite gullible in believing him and taking him at face value.

If you don't want to fall out with your DM I would rejoin but mute and not post but if you aren't bothered about what your DM thinks just ignore her and carry on with your life.

You all seem to read too much into the group!! You act like you don't care but then if people don't answer you you're over thinking it. That's what I hate about WhatsApp because I've don't the same. There's some good suggestions above, either not rejoining or just posting once a week. The people on the group who say you post at the wrong time-I can't roll my eyes enough at them, they expect you to post at a certain time?! Doesn't sound like a fun place to be I probably wouldn't bother now you got out!!

Family and WhatsApp can be really difficult to find a balance. When it works well it's light-hearted chatter and quick responses but if people read too much into it, like you are it can cause breakdowns in otherwise healthy relationships.
I'd stay out of the family group as you don't even seem to enjoy talking to the people in it and only do it under your mum's instruction. Explain to her that the time difference doesn't work for you and that's why you left if you need to.
Invest your time messaging some friends instead.

The people in the group I haven't met are my DB's new partner, my DN's fiance, my DSS's husband and DSB's adult stepchildren. It was my DB's partner who phoned my DM thinking she'd upset me.

When I say I posted rubbish it was only because it is to me and it was only what everyone else was posting yes I suppose it was for validation but my DH thinks it's normal for people to aknowledge someone new to a group. He's in several WhatsApp groups with his friends and it's the first time I've joined one.

I wouldn't re-join if I were you. Why would anyone feel to have right to bully you into doing something essentially irrelevant (such as WhatsApp group) when you don't want to. I am sorry but your DM sound like a bully and very very disrespectful to you and your feelings.

You sound really needy.

Honestly, don't rejoin and don't feel guilty about it. Your mum can't tell you what to do and as a previous poster said, these groups can be mind numbingly tedious. I came off a group recently...the relief and reduced anxiety are well worth any raised eyebrows.

I think your DM is trying to foster closer relationships. But family WhatsApps are often pretty random. You'll get a flurry of activity for a few days, then nothing much for weeks. Try not to take it personally from the rest of the group. The issues with your brother likely need to be sorted seprately.

Oh I hate WhatsApp groups so much, exactly for this reason, they are so fake. I had this issue op, I left all my groups and I just said I left as I was cutting down on my phone usage and didn't want my kids looking at me constantly picking up my phone and that it's my choice,so not be bullied into re joining if this group gives you anxiety, I'm sorry but that's awful advice from others. stay away from people who dont bring positivity to your life,its the true secret to happiness

I might be a bit needy and gullible it's fair to say that.

I want to. Maintain my relationship with my DM but I want her to accept the situation.

DSB is getting married this year and my parents are putting a bit of cash towards it
Which is fine but probably why he's trying to butter up my DM

YANBU. My mother has, for years, tried to force my db and I have to have a relationship. We’re just not compatible, I just don’t have an interest in his life and vice versa. It can’t be forced. Just ignore your dm’s demands and when she becomes too much, tell her your relationship with your db is none of her damned business.

Are you trying to engage with them? Making conversation about their pictures?

Leaving the group was a big statement. With hindsight you should have just muted.
I would not rejoin. All the same issues will still be there.
Sounds like one of those situations where you’ll have to keep repeating the same message to your DM. “It’s affecting my anxiety levels”.

I agree you had too high expectations of the group, or your feelings about your stepbrother got too enmeshed with the group dynamics. We have a family group, just siblings and parents, and I seldom post or comment, or notice whether there’s been a response if I do.

It is obviously important to your mum to feel like the family are all getting on. Only you know the back story and whether your priority is pleasing your mum or maintaining your stance on the relationships.

You're overthinking the whole WhatsApp thing, especially with that number of people on the group there will always be some more active than others and if you've got a time difference it's a great excuse not to post.

The simplest way is that if he invites you again, join and mute it.

If he doesn't, you don't want to be in it anyway so what have you lost?

It is a bit drama llama to leave a group because no ones talking to you or liking your posts though.

I wasn't familiar with WhatsApp groups and didn't realise everyone would see I'd left. I decided afterwards I am ok with making a big statement like that though.

Yes I did try and engage with the ones I don't know and they didn't respond.

I accept that I have nothing in common with DB. I made a comment to DM that he comes accross as a bit of a prat. She said again in block capitals 'tolerate him, that's what we all do'

WhatsApp groups aren't like a normal conversation, you don't need to respond.

You say you've posted lots of rubbish and got no response. How much response do you give when others post rubbish?

Sorry OP but you actually sound like rather hard work.

You posted a picture of your lunch, someone replied "yum", but you're disappointed you didn't get more comments or a proper connection. I'm baffled.

WhatsApp groups are generally a lot of waffle, with the occasional useful bit of information. I've never specifically acknowledged someone joining a group (nor has my joining been commented on). It's not like walking into a room where people say hello.

You don't seem to know your family and visa versa they don't know you. They're not likely to make lots of comments on your posts yet. Do you comment on all of theres?

The group might be a way of getting to know people gradually and them you. It might be a way if starting to feel more connected. However, if not getting enough acknowledgement is something that would cause you upset and you end up measuring your relationships on likes and comments then social media probably isn't right for you.

I couldn't really understand your OP, huge level of drama here (obviously linked to a back story)

I think you're not getting what's app groups. Family ones in particular have lots of random stuff, usually jokes / stuff the kids are up to / slagging.

You're not expected to respond to each individual text, it's not a conversation. Maybe an emoji if you like.

Curious about 'people you don't know' - are these your SIL? Do you really not know them at all? If so, I agree with not being part of the group, that doesn't make sense.

It sounds like you're expecting too much from the group, that your DM is overly invested in your sibling relationships & the whole thing is stressing you. I'd stay out of the group & just stay in touch with your siblings that you have a relationship with

WhatsApp is like social media in general — can be fun or useful, but it easily becomes yet another way of bullying people.

Your last post reinforces the impression that you are quite hard work and enjoy a drama.

If you're not happy with what happens as a result of this you need to reflect on your own part in it.

If not, just accept that life will continue to feature falling outs and crack on.

Your family dynamic sounds a bit skewed, but you also have odd expectations of what a whatsapp group is like.

I must say I'm not overly fond of my groups in lockdown as seem to be primarily used for people to post hysterical memes or long videos ( not of them but allegedly funny covid-19 ones) that you're meant to comment on, when to my mind Facebook is where these things belong and you can ignore if you want to. However interspersed with that our street book group has offered grocery shopping when people couldn't get out and swapped books and art supplies with neighbours.

In your position I would have joined, done a bit of superficial posting, ignored the quiz at short notice and generally not paid much attention to it. Removing yourself seems like a dramatic response to a bit of a non-event.

I hate to say it but I think your mum sounds like she's the problem not your other family members. As a PP said with hindsight it would've been best to mute the group but sounds like you're damned if you do/damned if you don't. I bet you'd get questioned if you posted too much/didn't post enough/you can't win basically.

Your mum seems quite controlling and I suspect trying to please her is contributing to your anxiety. Please don't rejoin the group. You're better off out of it. There's way too much drama already.

Ok I will give you another example. DB's partner, my mum is desperate for us to be friends. The one who phoned my DM.

She posted an article, I responded that was very interesting and helpful. Then I posted an article I thought was intresting. She didn't respond but she had been on as she later posted a picture of her dinner.

Look I don't have a problem with it and I do want to engage with people I just feel like I'm trying and it's not really working.

I have had conversations with others on the group which have been great but I talk to them on fb anyway.

I think you have unrealistic expectations of a WhatsApp group. It doesn’t really work for people you don’t ‘know’ yet and it doesn’t work if you want specific responses immediately. It was a bit dramatic and flouncy of you to post loads of rubbish and then leave the group because people (understandably given it was all rubbish) didn’t respond. It’s so much easier just to mute it, and only look as and when you feel like it.
My relationship with my family is fraught in parts, and some of them have been horrid to DH in the past, and we’re all on a WhatsApp group together. DH and I both have it muted, he never looks at it, and I look maybe once a day/every couple of days, and respond if there’s something big that someone else has posted, or post an update on my life but I don’t expect or wait for a response. I’ve found that to be much less stress inducing personally.
That being said, you’ve already flounced so it is what it is. Just check in with those you want to check in with.