To ask what your dp does to help around the house / with kids

[PanicBoo]

I feel my dp doesn't do much with regards to house / kids. He says he does. He does bits but I don't think it's very significant and wonder what it's like for others.

What he does:
Change nappies - mornings mostly. Rest of the day is usually me.
Will get youngest ready in the morning - sometimes
Will load / unload dishwasher
Empty bins
Will tidy up after eating
Sometimes makes breakfasts for kids.
Hoovers when he feels like it.
Shopping - I don't go very often
Cleaning car - never me

What he never/ hardly does:
Reads to kids - never
Homework with kids - never
Bathe kids - never
Play with kids - hardly
Dusting/ deep clean of any room. - never
Never would clean the cooker or fridge or anything like that.
Never takes kids out on their own. I do often or we go out as a family together.
Clean bathroom - very rarely
Doesn't cook. Ever. All on me.

There's lots of other stuff I can list but you get the picture. I honestly feel like I have all the responsibly for the kids and house and he just wipes a babies bum and thinks he's done for most of the day. It's making me really resent him.

AIBU to think he doesn't do that much or is he right and I'm expecting too much.

How do people get in to these situations?

My exh was like this. Only did what he felt like, and the rest was left to me. As if I loved those necessary jobs! I'm better off now that he's gone, and I just get on and do everything myself with no resentment to any one.

You can communicate your concerns and get him to step up more, or you can put up with it.

I have brought it up many times before but he insists he does help and calls me a liar. I don't know what it's like in other people's homes so I don't know if I'm being unreasonable.

Just as much as me. Probably more actually.

Never understand how there are so many arses in the world and why so many women put up with them

Tell him that you can swap jobs for a week if he thinks he does enough

Tbh my do looks amazing in comparison to my father. He did absolutely nothing. And I mean nothing. Didn't even lift his plate off the table after he'd finished so I don't have a good template to work off. I know it's not an excuse but not everyone can see when things aren't right.

He doesn't help around the house because it's his house too and he's equally responsible. He does an equal share.

I think I just want to know. Do other people's dps deep clean rooms?! Do they clean cookers?

I think I just want to know. Do other people's dps deep clean rooms?! Do they clean cookers

Well yes, of course

Do a weekly schedule showing what you both do. Ask DP to justify why he should have more leisure than you.

If he's insisting that he does help when he doesn't and calls you a liar, then that is gaslighting.

My ex used to do that too.

Mine does loads. But before we had kids I was very clear that I wasn’t interested if it was largely going to be down to me to do the majority of the grunt work. I was also clear that he was an extremely untidy b*gger and that it had to stop as I wasn’t running round clearing up after him any more. We actually talked about how things would work in this regard more than anything else as I was worried about exactly this, but it turns out that a good dose of honesty and practical talk really helped! There are two of us - everything is a joint enterprise.

Mine doesn’t do regular cleaning but I work part time and so do more house stuff , and he is a good cook . The thing that would bother me most on your list is that he doesn’t play or read or take kids out. That’s being a parent . I would get upset about that - Did he want children ? I ask because it took my DP 10 years to be ready because I think he knew if he did it, he wanted to do it properly and be an involved Dad.

Mine does about the same as yours, but works very long hours whereas I work very little so majority of the house/kids falls to me

We have nearly 9 month old twins and both working from home. During the week we care for the twins and work in shifts. My husband and I care for the twins 50:50, nappy changes, feeds, night wakings, baths, play, everything. I usually do the cleaning but my husband always offers to help. I prefer to do it myself but my husband will usually hoover. He will also empty the dishwasher, putting washing on and out to dry. We also split the cooking between us. I honestly can’t criticise my husband in any way.

I definitely don’t think you are being unreasonable!

I don't understand how people end up having multiple kids with partners who don't want to play with or raise their own kids.

DH does 50% of childcare and is so much better at coming up with fun games than me. He also does most bedtimes including baths.

Normally we have a cleaner but as she is currently not coming we share the deep cleaning of the house 50/50. I do more of the day to day but that is because whoever doesn't do bedtime is in charge of making the house neat and tidy in the evening and DH does most bedtimes.

I do 90% of the cooking and food planning but I enjoy it and DH doesn't. He does a lot of admin though.

My partner does pretty much half of everything except breastfeeding and works full time.
The only things he doesn't do are read to our baby daughter and take her out just him and her. But I think that's down to him being nervous to do so and not laziness.

When did he start doing so little?

don't know what it's like in other people's homes so I don't know if I'm being unreasonable

Not being funny but it sounds like you have some major issues if you need strangers on the internet to tell you that this isn't right. Why are you willing to put up with this and why have children with him if he's not the least bit interested in actually being a Dad?

Do other people's dps deep clean rooms?! Do they clean cookers?
I’m not sure that I’ve ever deep cleaned a room. What does it mean? My DP would never do either of these. but he does plenty, including all shopping and cooking.

My DH does lots more than me, I do virtually zero housework. We do usually have a cleaner for the weekly basics but not in lockdown and probably not when I return to work as we need to cut costs.

I do the bulk of childcare for our baby now as she’s 7 months, EBF and I’m on mat leave and co-sleeping. He doesn’t do nights as nothing he can do without boobs (she doesn’t need settling, I just feed lying down) and I do bulk of nappies as he’s at work. He does have her for 2hrs most days so I can go out and ride which includes giving breakfast or lunch and definitely plays with her after work every day too. It will be more equal when I’m at work as I’m the main earner and he will be dropping hours and doing some days of childcare.

I do the online shopping for food, he does and shopping in person. He most of the cooking as he’s good at it, I do most of the laundry as I like it.
He does all the cleaning, diy, gardening, cars. We both tidy.

We are definitely a partnership. I’m happy to do most of the baby care because he does so much. You most definitely have a DH problem!

Having the idea of a partner " helping" around the house is reinforces the dynamic of this being your responsibiity OP.

Switch your mindset.

My OH does not "help" around the house because housework is as much his respoonsibility as mine.

If yuo feel he is not taking a fair share then think about how you are facilitating that.
Do you wash his clothes Cook his meals? Tidy up after him? If yes and he is not doing a fair share for you in return then stop extending yourself in those directions. If he doesn't take bins out then he doesn't get clothes washed.

You have more control over this situation than you realise.

My partner does half, if not more. There are a few jobs that he almost never does unless I mention it, but that's true for me too (I haven't taken the bins out since we moved house two years ago).

Why do people (women, usually) put up with this? You deserve better. A relationship is supposed to be a partnership, not domestic servitude.