To ask what your dp does to help around the house / with kids

[PanicBoo]

I feel my dp doesn't do much with regards to house / kids. He says he does. He does bits but I don't think it's very significant and wonder what it's like for others.

What he does:
Change nappies - mornings mostly. Rest of the day is usually me.
Will get youngest ready in the morning - sometimes
Will load / unload dishwasher
Empty bins
Will tidy up after eating
Sometimes makes breakfasts for kids.
Hoovers when he feels like it.
Shopping - I don't go very often
Cleaning car - never me

What he never/ hardly does:
Reads to kids - never
Homework with kids - never
Bathe kids - never
Play with kids - hardly
Dusting/ deep clean of any room. - never
Never would clean the cooker or fridge or anything like that.
Never takes kids out on their own. I do often or we go out as a family together.
Clean bathroom - very rarely
Doesn't cook. Ever. All on me.

There's lots of other stuff I can list but you get the picture. I honestly feel like I have all the responsibly for the kids and house and he just wipes a babies bum and thinks he's done for most of the day. It's making me really resent him.

AIBU to think he doesn't do that much or is he right and I'm expecting too much.

Like crystal we have our own “jobs” here. I do all the food shopping, cooking (aside from one day a where I work late and he does freezer food for himself and the kids), washing, ironing, cleaning upstairs, homework, making sure kids clothes fit them, banking, sorting kids clubs, cleaning/feeding rabbits and making sure we have hay etc in.

He cleans the kitchen after I’ve cooked, hoovers the front room once a week, all gardening (aside from a little bit of weeding that I do) and puts the bin out. He also does 100% of the maintenance in the house (builder) and there is a lot to do. I definitely feel that I do more but he would disagree. We both work full time - he argues that as I have a sitting down job and his is manual, that he needs a rest when at home.

My DH doesn’t do much cleaning, and I do most of the childcare because I’m home more & the kids gravitate towards me. He does get up with them at the weekend so I can have a lie-in, and will happily help if I ask him to.

However, DH does all the gardening / DIY stuff and sorts all the life admin.

I’m very happy with the balance.

Mine shared night feeds, changed nappies etc when babies. He does bath time, we share stories by doing one child each. He does dishes, tidies up, Hoover's, diy etc. Currently he is working and juggling the kids on my work days as I cannot do my job and look after the kids.

Does he work long hours? Are you a SAHM ?(Even then he should be doing some input with your DC,cooking some of the time and so on)Deep cleaning rooms and ovens seems a bit full on to me .Oven cleaning man comes about twice a year .about 50 quid or so .Deep cleaning of rooms occasionally !

Yeah, God forbid a man should deep clean a room. His testicles would probably shrivel and drop off as soon as he donned the Marigolds from the indignity.

As others have said, OP. You’re asking the wrong question. DH doesn’t ‘help out’ with the house and children because they’re equally his responsibility. Usually, most of the cleaning, deep or otherwise, is done by a cleaner. DH does all the cooking and grocery shopping and is as hands-on with DS as I am.

Mine normally parents my LO 2 days of the working week plus one morning on the weekend on his own. He did take shared parental leave though. He's also a carer for an OAP.

What I learnt from my older SILs is if you want to explainP how much you do, go on holiday for more than a long weekend - so a week or more - without him and the kids. It is better to go abroad but if you cannot afford that find a relative/friend who is happy to put you up and lives about 300 miles away for a week. The reason being is when he says he can't cope on day 4 you can't easily come back so he will have to sort it out himself. I should add my brothers never said they couldn't cope they just got on with it as due to the sibling age gaps in my family they were use to coping with younger children just not for one to three weeks on their own.

I'm afraid mine does an awful lot, not posting to brag, just to answer the question you've posted. When it comes to DD the two of them could get along without me a lot of the time, he can/does everything for her, and we look after her in a very equal way, I'd say he currently does more than me with childcare, including reading, bathing, feeding, nappies, everything really.
I tend to do more housework than him and I do 90% of the cooking because I enjoy it but am also a dreadful control freak when it comes to the kitchen.
I think you'd be very much within your rights to expect and ask him to do more.

I do more cleaning but he does more childcare. He will tidy everything away so I just need to wipe down. He has in the past not pulled his weight as much but hes been really proactive since lockdown.

My DH does not “help” around house and with DCs. We both do whatever needs to be done and back each other up constantly. It’s also very flexible depending on who is working most hours.

But there are things we both hate doing, so the other one usually does it. I am the one to clean the cooker, but he gets out the ladder and washes the windows.

So whether you DH is doing a fair share depends on who is working most hours? If you both work about the same, it’s not fair. But if he works and you don’t at all or only part time, then the list looks fair to me.

Before we even got married my dh and I discussed chores. I made it clear that we would have to share chores .
He likes ironing, so he did most of the ironing. I like cleaning, so I did most of the cleaning. Cooking would be shared.
Before having children, we had another discussion regarding chores and childcare and we both decided that things would be shared equally,
Of course it will not always be 50/50 sometimes my dh will do more, sometimes I will do more depending on our schedules , availability etc

My DP was trained very well on the housework front by his DM and military step father but basically never cooks and has taken some time to get used to the childcare aspect. I haven't cleaned a bathroom in forever (and they are cleaned weekly), he clears up after I cook in the evenings including cleaning the cooker. We share laundry (by which I mean he hates putting clothes away and we both put clothes in the wash) and I never iron anything. He also works full time and does long hours so can't help with DD during the week.

I work part time and do the lions share of the childcare, all the cooking, all the shopping, loads of general tidying up and hovering so the house isn't a state when he gets home (usually), and share the washing. At the weekend we alternate having a lie in.

I have had to prod him onto action on the childcare front a few times in the past but he is more than capable, just not in the habit as much as I am as he works Mon - Fri.

I feel we have an good balance, although I would love it if he could manage his hours a bit better while working from home so he could help with bathtime at the moment. I'm 30 weeks pregnant and all the getting up and down during DD's bathtime is getting harder to do!

My DH loves cooking. He has a delusional idea that the fact he cooks most days means he is doing at least half the housework despite the fact that him cooking takes me at least as long to clear up/wash up afterwards

I do the bathrooms, dusting, washing and windows.
We share hoovering, cooking and shopping
He does the dishes, kitchen, beds, cars and garden
What exactly is involved in a deep clean?

How can anyone tell you whether he does enough or not, compared to you, without a camera tracking exactly what you both do during the day.

It's natural to be focus on what we want to see and assume we do more than others.

Also it is normal for some to do more at a time in their lives but less at another. Not everything has to be 50/50 at all times.

This was one of the reasons why my DD ended her relationship. They have two children. She works part time but wanted to eventually go full time and have a life on top. Not to be tied doing it all.

She now gets a break two days a week when he has the children. The house is easier to run without him in it. I can go and babysit without him objecting and other family can help out.

My DH didn't do a lot because of working hours, but would take me out to eat of a weekend (he worked away mid week), would cook and take the children to visit his family.

When he cooked, he deep cleaned afterwards. He had trained as a butcher and cleaned to those standards.

My eldest DD's DP does more cleaning than her. He'll deep clean a room. They are a team. He does as much as her, if not more including dog walks, when they babysit my GC. He used to tell my other DD's ex how out of order he was.

The bit that would upset me the most here is that he doesn't want to play with the children, take them out, read to them, a list of jobs on the fridge can solve chore distribution but it won't make someone want to engage with their children.
FWIW DH and I both do laundry, hoover, dust/clean, I tend to clean the kitchen he tends to clean the bathroom, I do almost all of the cooking - my choice I don't like DHs cooking and whilst he'd be happy to eat beige freezer food I'm not, so I also do the grocery shopping although DH is happy to do so and did yesterday with a list. Pre lockdown we'd often get click and collect and he'd pick it up on his way home from work. He does what I consider gross things ; cat litter tray, drain unblocking, usually bins although I do them sometimes, when the cat brings a mouse in (frequently). We both do the gardening although I do more panting, growing and weeding he mows, trims the hedges and trees (much taller than me), he also digs over the beds for me and any other ad-hoc stuff I ask him to do, this weekend he removed an old bush and fixed the leaky outdoor tap. Neither of us clean the windows or oven we get someone in to do that.
When it comes to DS it's 50/50 nappies, naps, meal times etc. Bath and bedtime he does more of so I can start on dinner. He also loves playing with DS taking him out on his own and when I went back to work we both condensed our patterns so we get a day each in the week off to be childcare, on his day DH takes DS to swimming lesson. We pay the same amount towards bills and have the same personal spends. I save more (joint savings) because I earn more.

My DP moans at me for not cleaning enough! He's like an annoying Mr Muscle sometimes lol.

Currently I'm nursing a 9 week old so i epxect my husband to do the bulk of the care for our toddler if he's not working - he gets her up in the morning, potty, breakfast, playtime. Tries to get her changed but she usually resists this til i get up. He does most of the cleaning at the moment and I do the cooking, which suits me as I enjoy it and am probably better at giving toddler DD the right food to eat.

My DH doesn't help around the house and with the DC
We each deal with all of that as it is not the 1950s

We are a team here, he probably does less cooking than me but only a small amount but he does more of the homework help as he’s far more patient. He doesn’t help in the garden but I don’t help take the bins out or clean the cars.

He doesn’t need telling or nagging either. Yesterday for example I was out on our daily exercise with our 12 year old and when we returned he had all windows open, music on and was dancing as he was hoovering the house he had just cleaned.

We’ve been together 16 years, he’s always been the same. He was and is a very hands on Dad too.

My ex h was like the man you describe, I walked out on our 5th wedding anniversary when I realised he would never change and I was exhausted. I swore I would never tolerate such BS again. He used to refuse to “babysit” our young daughter!

My partner does basically all of the cooking and is in charge of the kitchen in general so does all the cleaning in there and the dishwasher every day. He also des most of the food shopping (although I do more of the planning) and will do some tidying or washing if I ask but generally that’s more my job.

When DD was a baby he did half of all night feeds and is a v involved dad. At the moment he’s looking after her on his own more as I’m studying.

The only area I’d say we’re unequal sometimes is in planning and mental load as everything like clothes for DD or dentist appointments falls on me and he doesn’t really think about it. I suspect he has undiagnosed ADD though and done of that stuff is genuinely a lot harder for him than me.

The problem with some tasks is not everything is equally important, especially to both people.

For example, almost everyone would say that they need to cook meals, wash clothes, clean dishes and generally clean/tidy.

However, I’ve never ‘deep cleaned’ a room in my life and I wouldn’t start doing that. I also wouldn’t expect my partner to necessarily carefully wash, wax and polish the car, it’s something I enjoy doing, but I wouldn’t go around saying ‘do you know what, DP never waxes the car! I do it because I enjoy it/I like to see it done, but I wouldn’t expect my partner to do it and I wouldn’t even count it in the balance sheet of ‘I’ve now done X’. In the same way, if my partner went around polishing the door handles or something I wouldn’t see it as something they’ve now done around the house, in the same way I would if they’d done the washing up, cooked us a nice meal or hoovered up.

The other problem is people who are on the more excessive side of clean always think they’re in the right, so if you wash the bedding every day and say ‘I’ve done the daily bedding wash YET AGAIN!’ It’s not a reasonable comment, because most normal people would be fine not doing that so often, so you’ve created extra work which is frankly your problem, the same as if someone said ‘I sung the daily incarnations and worshiped Ra the Sun God AGAIN this week’

My DH does everything because i work full time and he's retired

Do you both work similar hours? With domestic stuff if one of you works less then it's fair for the other one to do more round the house. If you both work similar hours then it should be 50/50 split. With the children he should be doing half though as he is their parent too. Have tried telling him what needs doing? You shouldn't have to but sometimes it's the only way.
My husband does less than yours but that's because he's lazy and I let him get away with it. If I ask him to do something he usually does.

My OH is much like yours. He does work more hours than me so for the most part I don’t mind housework etc. It does get to me that he is so uninvolved with the children though. We have 3 and he refuses to bath them or take them anywhere alone. I can actually count on one hand the amount of times he has joined us on a day out in the last 12 months. He has never been on holiday with us, we go away with my parents. I feel so trapped as this is it now, even if we split then he would be the same crap father to the kids and if I was alone I would be financially fucked and more stressed as a result. No advice just a handhold as you’re not the only one in this situation.