To ask what your dp does to help around the house / with kids

[PanicBoo]

I feel my dp doesn't do much with regards to house / kids. He says he does. He does bits but I don't think it's very significant and wonder what it's like for others.

What he does:
Change nappies - mornings mostly. Rest of the day is usually me.
Will get youngest ready in the morning - sometimes
Will load / unload dishwasher
Empty bins
Will tidy up after eating
Sometimes makes breakfasts for kids.
Hoovers when he feels like it.
Shopping - I don't go very often
Cleaning car - never me

What he never/ hardly does:
Reads to kids - never
Homework with kids - never
Bathe kids - never
Play with kids - hardly
Dusting/ deep clean of any room. - never
Never would clean the cooker or fridge or anything like that.
Never takes kids out on their own. I do often or we go out as a family together.
Clean bathroom - very rarely
Doesn't cook. Ever. All on me.

There's lots of other stuff I can list but you get the picture. I honestly feel like I have all the responsibly for the kids and house and he just wipes a babies bum and thinks he's done for most of the day. It's making me really resent him.

AIBU to think he doesn't do that much or is he right and I'm expecting too much.

We are equal, he doesn't help around the house, it is his house as well, his responsibility to look after as well of course, it just isn't even a thing.
He works ft, I work 4 days. I'm off due to cv he isn't. The only thing I'm doing more of is cooking, we're usually 50/50 but I've got a lot of free time obvs.
I don't understand how this isn't a red flag at the beginning of a relationship, I'd have run a million miles straight away, it's totally unacceptable.

What I'm also getting from your list is that as well as doing fewer jobs than you generally, his jobs are the ones that need doing less often as well. This always comes up on MN when you see people insisting that their partners share the work equally because the DH 'empties the bins, sorts out car stuff and organises bins,' and they 'cook everynight, do dishes, clean bathrooms,' (or whatever) so three jobs each. How fair!

Except for the fact that things like doing the bins is maybe a five minute, once a week job, and 'car stuff' and bills involves maybe sorting out an MOT and setting up direct debits once a year, that's it! Whereas cleaning, cooking, etc have to be done every single day. That's what your list looks like - he could go a year without cleaning the car and it would still work, whereas you couldn't leave the children without food for even a day.

I agree what you grew up with does alter your expectations though - my dad was so hands on, even if he didn't do all the same jobs as my mum (he can't cook for toffee!) he definitely did as much as her in total. Even when he was working full time and she was SAHM as soon as he got in he would start tidying and stuff. So I've always accepted that as the norm and don't put up with anything less!

A husband and father does not “help” with the children and housework.
A neighbour might “help” with emergency childcare for half an hour after school once in a blue moon.
Your mother might “help” with housework by washing up her own mug before saying good bye.
A husband and father does his fucking share of looking after his home and children. “Help” doesn’t enter this equation and the sooner both men and women get this into their heads the better.

He does everything! There is nothing he won't do!! We are on equal footing in this house. The only thing he didn't do was breastfeed...for obvious reasons. But that didn't stop him getting up at the 1am feed and changing the baby before I fed them. Then he would get the swaddle ready and wind baby if needed and then put baby back in the basket! We're a team!

Mine does:
All DIY, like painting, putting curtains up, fixing things
Washing
Ironing (I don’t iron, ever)
At least 60% of cooking
Gardening
Cleaning
Making beds
Most of the food shopping and meal planning
He does loads of homework, games, and sorting out stuff for my DD (not his daughter)

What he doesn’t do:
Cleaning bathroom

He does loads, and so do I.
It’s a pretty even split.
We’re a team, and no one ever feels hard done by.

FFS, it's not HELPING around the house.
He lives there? So he rolls his sleeves up and does his share. Having a penis doesn't excuse him from life-tasks.
There are far too many women facilitating this shit.

I hate these threads because of all the "how do women get into these situations?" posts. Bit fucking late eh? Also presumably OP didn't think "ooh he'll do fuck all round the house, great, let's get married". My DH is the same OP. He will do something like the bins but only if I ask him once a day for three days. That's his timeframe. By that point I've usually just given in and done it myself.

I hate these threads because of all the "how do women get into these situations?" posts. Bit fucking late eh? Also presumably OP didn't think "ooh he'll do fuck all round the house, great, let's get married".

@goodthanks, as the vast majority of people live together, sometimes for many years, before they marry and/or have children together, it surprises me that you don't think an averagely intelligent woman might base part of her decision as to whether to commit to an individual man on whether he's labouring under the delusion that doing laundry or making dinner require special training that can only be accessed by possessing a vagina.

@Navelwort some of us don’t live together for years before we have children? Personally I met my partner very young (secondary school). We had a child young and I’ve never been brave enough to leave him, so here we are. Not every relationship follows the perfect timeline.

@pleasedontdrawonyoursister just because you have accepted it doesnt mean you should have - it is in your power to ask for more. The fact that you've settled for being unhappy doesnt mean OP has to.

Does more then mine, he will play with them sprodically. Nappy changes maybe a 3 times a week, will only cook of im not here.

He will do diy.

@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow oh I completely agree. I wish I had the courage to leave and would encourage OP to lay the cards on the table, help me out or get out (but I can understand if she doesn’t feel she can).

I think it's to do with how you grow up. For example my dad never did anything round the house but was working close to 14 hours a day building his business. So I never saw, him do anything and my mum did it all.
As we got a bit older he did us kids out on a weekend but still didn't do any housework. My mum was mostly a SAHM which I supposed helped. Now he's retired though they do split housework 50/50.
Having grown up with it I suppose I've just accepted it. The only thing I resent is that my husband told me to get a job, promising he'd help more . I did but because I work about 12 hours less than him he still doesn't do anything.

I think it's to do with how you grow up.

I think that's true to an extent, @Rosebel , but my upbringing my mother a SAHM skivvying for the male extended family members who lived with us, as well as her husband and her children, and expecting her daughters to do chores while their father and brother did nothing had the opposite effect. I saw the complete waste of my mother's life in cleaning and cooking and pointless domestic drudgery, and decided that was not going to be me. And it's not.

@Pleasedontdrawonyoursister, I'm sorry you're in a situation you feel you can't change -- I got together with my now-husband at eighteen as well, but it's a fully equal relationship. Best wishes to you. I hope you can see your way to getting out.

i have one of the rare men you only read about

he does everything i do,in fact more as he does more house work than me,like i cant do quilt covers as i get all muddled up and as we all have superking is a hard job

from birth hes done both kids as and when needed and they were both in reusables full time(neither have ever had a throwaway on them)and in 2004 that was a hard work job,they got a bit easier in 2010

youngest also went through 11oz every hour and half since birth then at 3 months 16 oz(a full bottle and then half) and he used to make the bottles up and i fed him as we coslept

our household/lifestyle and beliefs are different to the norm as we home educate and follow the learn through lie/unschooling approach and we do attachment/gentle parenting and believe in gender equality and gender neutral(as in it do not matter what toy/clothes its made for if you want it you can have it)as ive 2 boys its never mattered but they are brought up a person is a person not what sex they are and just because society thinks boys and girls "should"act this way or do things this way thats not how it is

both boys are disabled so we are class ourselves as 24/7 carers and 24/7 educators as neither kids sleep so education happens as and when it wants

hes also our driver and we are out everyday doing something,sometimes we drive miles a day so he does more physical than me

also the way you worded the title implies that its the woman responsibility and any men that helps is doing you a favour

i made sure from day 1 that we did things equally

im taller and heaver that him and physically stronger so and things that a "man"is supposed to do around the house its easier for me to do

hes taking the piss here because you hav allowed his behavior to go on this long